Have one of my own shed feathers, along with a working replica of Riptide!

Have a Zeus sock puppet. It may occasionally shock you but it usually isn't lethal.

Have some lemon flavored mayonnaise.

Have some movie-theater popcorn (to eat while you read the Original Series and Constitution) and a Steve Jobs-style black turtleneck!

You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

Here's a virtual bag of bolts and crossbow for you. Right now I like Parasyte, Vinland Saga, History Channel Vikings, Legend of Korra, and had just acquinted to Adventure Time. What's your fandom?

Have a bottomless bag to store your other gifts--it comes equipped with pockets so you shouldn't lose anything inside.

I might be wrong, but I think the definition of a troll fic is that it's bad on purpose. Whether or not it's funny or worth reading is harder to say, probably depends on whether or not the fic is a good parody.

Hi welcome to the ppc, hope you have fun here. Please take this wilver sword

Here have a Magic Ring that gives you a clown nose when you wear it as a welcome gift!

Heylo greetings and stuff!
I'll point you toward the Constitution, Original Series and Wiki, then give you this beautiful cup of tea. Don't let the leaves eat you!

It's a +3 vicious shovel! Careful, it does recoil damage.

Welcome to the community! For your newbie gift, here's a Quantum Clown Car. It should be safe, but it doesn't really like mimes. Stay away from them and it shouldn't explode!

Hello, and welcome aBoard! Take this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti, and this chirping pocket manatee! If the urple bow around its neck becomes too much, feel free to remove it. ;)

There is, in fact, a Troll Division of the Department of Bad Parody.

As for Moon Daughter, well... sorry to burst your bubble, but I've already claimed it. You can see for yourself here.