"Calm down."

Subject: "Calm down."
Author: Desdendelle
Posted on: 2015-02-11 21:51:00 UTC

The Librarian's tone was that of a person who just returned home to find his dog eating the sofa. "Yes, I am a Time Lord. No, I am not an engineer. I am a Librarian, if the name didn't clue you to that fact. I have no idea how you can get a Sonic Screwdriver - what would you need it for, anyway?"
"This ain't RC #2184," Des interrupted the Librarian's rant. "This is RC log₁₀e, as the sign on the door states." He took another sip and sighed. "Fukken badfic."

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New Mission by Desdendelle on 2015-02-06 17:29:00 UTC Reply

A trio of Stus are Experiencing a Significant Gravitas Shortfall in this new mission, in which Agent Ari of DIC takes newbies Navare and Amris on a training mission (ha!) to the Nanohaverse.

So, I finally managed to write something, which is a co-write with Firemagic - I probably wouldn't have gotten off my ass and done anything without her, so lots of thanks!

The mini-Berserk Defence Programme MidChildan is up for adoption.

Congrats on the - wait a second... by Scapegrace on 2015-02-08 00:50:00 UTC Reply

Is that a Culture drone?

Is that a CULTURE CHARACTER in the PPC?

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- *happyboom*

Yep. by Desdendelle on 2015-02-08 00:59:00 UTC Reply

Amris is, indeed, a genuine Value 1.0 Culture Drone. I've been toying with this idea for some time, and finally introduced the bloodthirsty ball o' fun.

I think that makes three of us - I know for a fact Hieronymus Graubart read Consider Phlebas - but that's about it. That's my second obscure fandom here, I guess.
-Sets up a celebratory tea party-

Heh, that's weird. by domirossi on 2015-02-08 14:38:00 UTC Reply

I didn't know about the Culture series until just a few days ago, when SpaceX renamed their landing barge "Just Read The Instructions". A pretty freaky coincidence... I blame the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon.
I'll get the drug bowls! =] by Scapegrace on 2015-02-08 10:05:00 UTC Reply

Though this makes me wonder what a Culture mini would look like. Prolly a mini-GOU with an attitude problem. Might even be a mini-Mind, which would be all manner of fun and jolly japes... >=]

Well... by Desdendelle on 2015-02-08 17:27:00 UTC Reply

From what I've seen, Culture fanfic is basically nonexistent. There are two meh crossovers in ff.net and a few things in AO3, but that's about it.
That said, I think the 'verse's mini should a miniature version of the Xenohobe's avatar. Solely because that's highly amusing.

Yeah... that's disappointing. by Scapegrace on 2015-02-08 18:00:00 UTC Reply

ISTR a Harry Potter crossover, of all things. The Harry-resembling fleshheap in the story had a go at the Sorting Hat, 'cause he was raised by the Culture instead of the Dursleys and, well, I kind of agree with their stance on telepathic rape. =]

Wait, what? by Desdendelle on 2015-02-08 18:26:00 UTC Reply

A Harry Potter crossover? Can I have a link, please?

Well, if you wanna... by Scapegrace on 2015-02-08 23:17:00 UTC Reply

Here you go.

Be warned: with the old nostalgia goggles on, I remember it as being on the bad side of mediocre, and it's a deadfic. Oh well. Enjoy! =]

Oh, also. by Desdendelle on 2015-02-09 00:05:00 UTC Reply

If something exists, it will be crossed over with ponies. No exceptions.
-sighs- (swearing inside) by Desdendelle on 2015-02-08 23:50:00 UTC Reply

Why did I ask. Of course it has a nonsensical premise that ...s up with Culture canon.
...'s sake, Harry's an Excession?! What's wrong with this karking author?!
Diziet Sma, surprised at a flying motorcycle. Riiiiight. Next thing, Chiark Gevantsa Jernau Morat Gurgeh Dam Hassesse surprised at a Stricken game-piece. Diziet Sma on Earth with the wrong ship about twenty years two late. Skaffen-Amtiskaw with her for some reason. What.
...'s sake, Diziet Sma, having Contact's interests in mind? Whaaat.
Uncanonical Potterverse majeck. Woo.
Harry Potter, famous in the whole Culture? ... the flying what? Even Jernau ...ing Morat ...ing Gurgeh isn't that famous!
So, Fal 'Ngeestra doesn't exist. ... you, author, did you even read Consider Phlebas?
Okay, I decree this fic ...ing badfic for not having a clue on how the Excession works.

Rein Zwei in a box, who thought this is a good idea?! This isn't 'bad side of mediocre', it's 'canon-breakingly bad'!

This hurts by Hieronymus Graubart on 2015-02-11 19:38:00 UTC Reply

It hurts even more considering that I would actually like it if Dumbledore were less evil, Harry were less overpowered and this magical car felt less unmagical, not to mention the Ron bashing and the Slytherin bashing that would apparently come up if this were continued.

Obviously I don't know enough about the Culture to see the uncanon there.

Is Fal 'Ngeestra a Referrer? I remember what she did in Consider Phlebas, but I don't remember what it's called.

Is Upper-Jumping what the House-elves do when they apparate at Hogwarts? I would appreciate this much more than upper-jumping Harry, but from what I found on Wikipedia, only Excessions should be able to use the upper hyperspace layer, and nobody actually knows what an Excession is besides being incredibly powerful and dangerous.

HG

Well... by Desdendelle on 2015-02-11 20:35:00 UTC Reply

Yes. In fact, Fal 'Ngeestra is the Referrer that appears in Consider Phlebas.
Actually, normal ships can use Ultraspace ("upper" hyperspace). The Excession is special because it's connected to both Ultraspace and Infraspace ("lower" hyperspace) at the same time.
The point is that the Excession is really, really special, and making Harry one, then ignoring the consequences... let's say it made my mind melt.

Like I said, goggles of nostalgia firmly in place. by Scapegrace on 2015-02-09 00:14:00 UTC Reply

I'm re-reading it now. It is a pile of dog eggs roughly the size of a GSV. The Potter stuff just does not mesh with the Culture stuff in the setup provided, and it's all bloody wrong anyway. Also, check the Author's Notes. Evidently they take about as well to criticism as a nipple to an angle grinder, and they admit to serious timeline violations for the benefit of their stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID idea.

I get that Harry Potter being raised by the Culture is interesting. I like that bit. I like, upon the reread, almost nothing else. It's yet to give me my ultimate bugbear of manipulative!Dumbledore, but knowing my luck it was probably being foreshadowed. God, this was atrocious. Badfic recommendation seconded. Launch all fighters.

Well by Desdendelle on 2015-02-09 00:20:00 UTC Reply

To quote myself: "Harry's a Glauronging EXCESSION
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS KARKING GRINEER SKOOM AUTHOR"
No, honestly, it's like making Harry the One Ring or something. I think my brain just melted.

I certainly won't be able to spork it by myself. a) It's long and b) I'll be spending too much time trying to bash my head on the nearest wall.

Halp.

Well, gimme a bit... by Scapegrace on 2015-02-09 00:24:00 UTC Reply

I'll get the first draft of my second mission done (!) and put something together. This is a much more traditional mission than what I've planned for Wobbles and the Notary to be exposed to, because what kind of author would I be if I didn't send them into vile hellscapes unfit for sentient habitation?

Hrmhr by Desdendelle on 2015-02-09 00:27:00 UTC Reply

I imagine that it would be agent!Des who would be tortured in this mission. Childhood and all that. Notary would have the Librarian to have fun with. Isn't that enough?

"Fun?" by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2015-02-09 00:42:00 UTC Reply

"Though I do not wish to speak ill of a fellow Councillor, I find it quite unthinkable that spending time around that renegade would be enjoyable, particularly not while having to suffer through a universe populated by a bunch of jumped-up indolents content to be the puppets of bickering overgrown fax machines."

"Aw, you're just sore 'cause he was in the front row for the gunge tank-"

"Human this conversation does not concern you it concerns private Council business that may have a deleterious effect on the personal safety of multiple Councillors do not talk about the gunk tank go away go away GO AWAY!"

"... Morgan was right, you don't need to breathe, do you-"

"SHOO! Shoo before I get the push broom!"

((They hate each other so much. It is glooooorious. As for the gunge tank, well, I'll let this terrible video do the explaining. Nerrr-na-na-ner-ner! =oD))

Yes, fun. by 0.4342944819.console.192.168.2.1.External on 2015-02-09 00:58:00 UTC Reply

You two are going to be nice. You two are going to be quiet. You are not going to bicker. Otherwise I'll take my axe and chop-chop-chop you.
-Agent Des
{Note added by 0.4342944819.console.192.168.2.1.External: Notary, just this once: get some common sense and don't provoke him any further. He is actually pretty scary with that deranged look on his face. -Librarian}

"..." by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2015-02-09 11:05:00 UTC Reply

"... Fine. Fine! I will abide by your axe-wielding diktat, Agent, if the Ruby Shipwright consents to do so as well."

"Aw, don't be down, Agent Noble Beast! I know what'll cheer you up! A balloon spy suit!"

"I find that distinctly unlikely to work."

"Oh, well, okay. I mean, you do already have one."

"What in the name of Rassilon are you talking about?"

"You know, the balloon spy suit in your closet! The little black one with all the zippers! Gotta say, the colouring on those is amazing, it's a really high-quality bit of rubber work-"

*Sounds, offscreen, of someone attempting to cram a mid-sized potted lily down an Agent's neck.*

*enters RC holding a tray with a teapot and some cups* by A random DoSAT Technician on 2015-02-10 00:19:00 UTC Reply

"Did someone here ask for some jasmine tea or I'm in the wrong RC?"

The Librarian pointed at his partner... by Desdendelle on 2015-02-10 08:13:00 UTC Reply

... who was hitting his head on a wall. "I do not believe anybody here ordered a cup of tea, but he could certainly use one - if you can pry him from the wall, that is. The mission that is currently displayed on our console made him somewhat lose his composure."

*takes a look at the man hitting his head on the wall... by The same DoSAT Technician on 2015-02-11 02:47:00 UTC Reply

...then back to The Librarian* Well... *the blue-eyed pale asian-looking girl with blonde-dyed-that-used-to-be-black hair scowled* I could, but I would need water. A lot of water, like about 15 gallons or more.

[Note: I can explain the look! XD]

"That's a lot of water." by The Librarian on 2015-02-11 12:42:00 UTC Reply

"I'm afraid that would ruin my clothes," the Time Lord said, "and the books, too." He motioned at the bookcases lining the RC's walls.
A mini-Reaper that was hiding in one of the dark corners near the ceiling swept down and began to gesticulate wildly.
"Doctor who doesn't particularly like the idea, either."

*snorts and chuckles a little* by Still the same DoSAT Technician on 2015-02-11 16:24:00 UTC Reply

"Don't worry about that. I'm a Waterbender from the Avatar-verse. Before any comment on my looks; Republic City; child from what in World One call a "mixed race marriage" and yes, I like dyeing my hair. Hmm, now that I think about it, probably your friend over there..." points at Agent!Desdendelle, then raises her voice so he can hear her "...will not like being encased in a block of ice."

"You really shouldn't have said that." by The Libararian on 2015-02-11 18:36:00 UTC Reply

The Librarian glared at the Technician. "We're trying to calm him down, not provoke him! I, for one, have no desire to waste a regeneration in order to discover how being axed feels like. Can't you just mention the tea to him?"
Fortunately, Agent Desdendelle seemed not to notice the conversation; he was hitting his head on the wall and mumbling to himself.
A small, blue vacuum cleaner - tinky winky the mini-Noo-Noo - nudged Des' foot and was kicked across the room for its trouble.
"You see what I mean?"

*winces and sighs in relief* by Technician Shui-Hua Liu on 2015-02-11 18:52:00 UTC Reply

"Well, he didn't seem to notice, most fortunate because I'm not carrying any water with me, besides the tea." Looks at the tray and sighs "And it would be such a waste to use this jasmine tea prepared with the recipe of the legendary teashop The Green Dragon from Ba Sing Se for waterbending." Turns to The Librarian, "By the way, my name is Shui-Hua Liu, nice too meet you... err... What was your name again?

The Time Lord inclined his head. by The Librarian on 2015-02-11 20:31:00 UTC Reply

"The Librarian. Agent Librarian, apparently. Jade Warden of the Continuity Council of Gallifrey-in-Exile by need."
His partner perked at the mention of tea - it must've gotten past the self-inflicted headache. "Tea? Where?! Gimmie that!"
He snatched the tray and - with surprising delicacy - set it on the table. He leaned and sniffed the tea. A moment passed, and he sat down. The Librarian released the breath he did not notice he was holding.
Agent Des sipped the tea. He gave Shui-Hua a bleary look. "God of Tea will bless you," the be-goateed human mumbled.

*releases her breath too* by Technician Shui-Hua Liu on 2015-02-11 21:10:00 UTC Reply

"I'm sure that the Dragon of the West, the creator of that brew; would had thanked your compliments." Technician Liu bows in a greeting,"Well Agent Librarian is nice to--" Opens fully her eyes in a surprised expression, when realization hits her. "Wait, Gallifrey? Y-y-y-y-y-you are a Time Lord? By the Spirits! What can you tell about, about your people's technology? How does it work? How could I get a Sonic Screwdriver? Do you have a---" Suddenly stops her geek-out, "Wait... Response Center #2184 is not occupied, right?"

"Calm down." by Desdendelle on 2015-02-11 21:51:00 UTC Reply

The Librarian's tone was that of a person who just returned home to find his dog eating the sofa. "Yes, I am a Time Lord. No, I am not an engineer. I am a Librarian, if the name didn't clue you to that fact. I have no idea how you can get a Sonic Screwdriver - what would you need it for, anyway?"
"This ain't RC #2184," Des interrupted the Librarian's rant. "This is RC log₁₀e, as the sign on the door states." He took another sip and sighed. "Fukken badfic."

"I realized that much when I heard both of your voices" by Edhelistar on 2015-02-11 23:02:00 UTC Reply

Said Technician Liu ignoring The Librarian's rant and gazing at Agent Des, "I just get the feeling that the RC in question in not occupied and I got a prank call for someone asking tea for that RC," she sighs, "So much for trying a side tea brewing business, along my workload at T&A."

Well done! by Iximaz on 2015-02-06 20:05:00 UTC Reply

I'm afraid I don't know anything about either continuum either, but it was still enjoyable! The Reality Room execution was my favorite part. *tosses cakefetti*

Re: Well done! by firemagic on 2015-02-06 21:30:00 UTC Reply

Well, there's only one continuum in play, as far as I can tell. Admittedly the Nanoha canon barely plays a role in the fic, but still..

Also I'm glad you liked the execution! I like writing fight scenes.

(Also, I left you a message on the RinaAndRanda wiki page, so please respond to that, if you don't mind)

Oh shoot by firemagic on 2015-02-06 21:31:00 UTC Reply

(Didn't notice you'd replied! And I was thinking the idea of a cowrite would be that I would bring Nanoha knowledge and you would bring Pokemon knowledge and it'd work that way?)

Perhaps I can help! by SkarmorySilver on 2015-02-06 22:25:00 UTC Reply

I'm fairly familiar with the anime (I watched quite a lot of the original series episodes as a kid, along with the Diamond/Pearl anime and some Black/White), and I frequently lurk around Bulbapedia so I'll be able to catch anything else.

So if you really want the fic in question dead, I could be of some use. Since it's a crossover, though, I'll probably have to have my DIC team set up first, but I'd love to co-write with Ari and Tera nonetheless!

Sounds good! by firemagic on 2015-02-06 22:31:00 UTC Reply

Though, your Rashida and Falchion are in Floaters. So they could do a crossover mission.

Re: Sounds good! by SkarmorySilver on 2015-02-06 22:35:00 UTC Reply

True, but I already have quite a few missions slated for those two, and I don't want to create a backlog for them; besides, my upcoming DIC team could use a few missions themselves (I've found only two crossovers for them to tackle so far, and I could certainly use more).

We can talk more about this through PM. My e-mail is, of course, skarmorysilver at gmail dot com (plug in punctuation as needed).

Ah, I see! by firemagic on 2015-02-06 23:06:00 UTC Reply

Ok then. I shall make a GDoc with the fic copied over and we can talk about it there.

Well... by Iximaz on 2015-02-06 21:39:00 UTC Reply

The fix also looks like it's anime-based, and my knowledge of Pokemon really only covers the games (though I know those inside and out). I probably ought to put that on my profile...

Re: Well... by firemagic on 2015-02-06 22:04:00 UTC Reply

Oh, I see.

If it's not too weird to say, I'd still like to do a cowrite with you? I feel like there might be some fun stuff with the Ari/Theia/Tera group and your Agents.

Sure! by Iximaz on 2015-02-06 22:19:00 UTC Reply

I'll keep an eye out for something good!

Hm, well by firemagic on 2015-02-06 22:34:00 UTC Reply

There's this thing...

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10750593/1/Mythical-Magi

>:U by Iximaz on 2015-02-06 22:46:00 UTC Reply

WHY DOES THIS EXIST DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE-

*ahem*

I mean, yikes. That's quite the doozy.

Agreed by firemagic on 2015-02-06 23:05:00 UTC Reply

Should I make a GDoc for this and send it to you?

Sure! by Iximaz on 2015-02-06 23:18:00 UTC Reply

Email's artemis(dot)hunt(at)att(dot)net.

Sent! (nm) by firemagic on 2015-02-07 00:00:00 UTC Reply

Good work! by eatpraylove on 2015-02-06 19:15:00 UTC Reply

I'm glad you got to write something less brain-breaking than your other missions :)
Re: New Mission by SkarmorySilver on 2015-02-06 18:00:00 UTC Reply

Not familiar with either of the two continua, but this was pretty fun to read! *tosses congratulatory Spikes*

I did spot a typo, however... the Berserk Defence Programme of the Book of Darkness would appear and would be obliterated by the Asura’s Arc-en-ciel cannon
Shouldn't there be a period at the end of that sentence? Uh...

Fixx'd. (nm) by Desdendelle on 2015-02-06 18:07:00 UTC Reply