Subject: Interlude with Iximaz!
Author:
Posted on: 2015-01-26 20:40:00 UTC
Suppertime Stories
Behold, a thing that we came up together with in our spare time! By the way, this takes place between Why We Can't Have Nice Things and Pilot, which both happened on the same day in-universe.
That was a pretty good interlude. Good character development all around, and you've even mentioned other characters' missions! That's definitely a plus.
Of course, a few issues. I mentioned before that in your post, you have the timeline off. You said that this takes place before the Indiana Jones trollfic, while in the interlude itself, it is as clear as crystal that the trollfic mission already happened. Of course, alas! Board posts cannot be edited once posted.
In addition, a few other errors:
1)Rina had elbowed her partner in the ribs.
“About a year,” she said calmly. She turned to Randa and hissed, “That mission took two days, stop going on about it!”
It becomes clear in context that Rina is both the actor in the first paragraph and the speaker in the second, but at first, one is confused as to the antecedent of "she". Either replacing the "she" with "Rina" or removing the paragraph break (i.e., making the two one paragraph) would remove the confusion.
2) the black converse had glittery stains
I'll defer to someone who's more knowledgable than I, but isn't Converse a brand name--hence requiring capitalization here?
3) with the September 11 World Trade Center bombing be involved
Either delete the "be" or change it to "being".
4)Falchion chirped a quiet laugh as he watched the girls leave. Then he turned to rejoin Rayner, but not before clicking his rear talons at his accomplishment. It felt so good to make some friends around here.
“Well, I guess the cats and the roosters have finally split up,” the humanized pegasus said with a dry smirk a few minutes later as they walked down another corridor en route to the DF.
First, I think that a scene break is necessary between these two paragraphs.
Second, even though "en route" is a French loanword, I don't think that it needs to be italicized, due to it being so common in English.
Like I said, this actually takes place right after the end of the second mission. The "Pilot" mission is eatpraylove's one, not mine - sorry if I didn't say so sooner. ^^;
Anyway, thank you kindly! I've shared the file with Iximaz so she can fix the errors, since I'm too busy studying at the moment to do that myself.
I forgot SkarmorySilver has control over the document now that it's published. Nothing to do but wait, I guess.
The timeline in regards to SS' characters you'll have to wait for him to say something himself; I'm afraid I can't provide an answer to that. Anyway:
1) Okay, duly noted, off to change that!
2) Whoops, my bad! *sheepish grin*
3) Not my bad, but I still should've caught it. >_>
4) I'm... not 100% on this one. Time to check The Google!
Next mission, I really ought to ask if you'd be willing to beta read. I went over this like four times and still didn't catch that stuff. :/
Are you sure that you have the timeline right? A few paragraphs in, it seems that this takes place after Why We Can't Have Nice Things, not before:
Of course, there was also the prospect of having to listen to his partner yelling at Sarah for screwing up on a massive scale. It was not something to look forward to, especially not after all of the flak he had taken directly on his first assignment.