Subject: Man...
Author:
Posted on: 2015-01-16 18:59:00 UTC
Am I ever glad that the various psychopomps in Gunnerkrigg Court never appeared in my first mission. There's thousands of 'em. I'd still be writing it now. =]
-
Mission 1: Of Poorly Matched Continua by
on 2015-01-16 17:23:00 UTC
Reply
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b0cfqX2-xrS4HM9x4khZPZkLdzKQfYUi6_xiKvyWKZo/pub
The PPC's first foray into two new continua, with newly discovered minis and a completely distraught Valon.
My thanks to SkarmorySilver and eatpraylove for beta-reading. -
Bit of a late reply, but eh. by
on 2015-01-19 17:09:00 UTC
Reply
Like I said when beta-reading this, I'm kinda glad you picked something pretty short to work with. If I had to pick a favorite part, it would definitely be the death of the replacement. A dramatic fight scene would only put the agents on the losing side, and special note goes to this instance because of how powerful Prototype characters usually are. Using Suu to get rid of him was so unexpected that it just works, for both the agents and the readers.
And just FYI, I'd actually be interested in a collab with you sometime. Given how my research is, though, well... -
correction by
on 2015-01-18 13:45:00 UTC
Reply
"Most people would have gone pale as well, but Valon’s face is already so bloodless that one could hardly tell."
Should that not be "Most people would have gone pale as well, but Valon’s face was already so bloodless that one could hardly tell."?
Otherwise, good story. -
ItÂ’s a stylistic choice. by
on 2015-01-19 08:21:00 UTC
Reply
Using present tense here draws attention to the fact that Valon is still alive and didn’t change much, thus reducing tension. Using past tense implies that Valon may not have survived the mission, or may be more tanned now after taking a sun bath.
HG -
Another nitpick by
on 2015-01-18 11:50:00 UTC
Reply
Valon took a moment to understood what was happening.
I’m not a native speaker, but shouldn’t this be "Valon took a moment to understand what was happening" (infinitive, not past tense)?
This was fun to read, although I, not knowing either of the canons involved, was struggling to understand what’s going on there.
HG -
Pretty good... by
on 2015-01-18 03:49:00 UTC
Reply
Two nitpicks, though:
First:
It’s ‘My name is Alex Mercer,’ you kinda left something out.
That comma in the middle should be a semicolon, and thus placed outside of the single quotes.
Scond:
Why is "nuking Manhatten" a separate mini from "Manhattan"? In both cases, the misspelling is only of "Manhattan," right? -
To the second by
on 2015-01-18 03:55:00 UTC
Reply
"Nuking" was capitalized in the middle of a sentence. It looked like a name, so in my eyes it produced a second mini.
-
Oh. That makes sense. by
on 2015-01-18 03:57:00 UTC
Reply
I didn't take notice of the capital; I remembered the lowercase from the badfic text shown a few lines further down.
-
By the way... by
on 2015-01-17 14:53:00 UTC
Reply
See if you can catch the hidden Game of Thrones reference.
-
A question... by
on 2015-01-17 02:25:00 UTC
Reply
Since when do consoles go ZEEN! ? I thought they beeped.
-
Look up Valon on the wiki. by
on 2015-01-17 03:06:00 UTC
Reply
He managed to accidentally change the console's alert to the music from Psycho's famous shower scene.
-
Interesting... by
on 2015-01-16 20:33:00 UTC
Reply
It was a rather enjoyable reading, the only thing that hampered a little my enjoyment was that fact that I know absolutely nothing of both continuua; I do love the characterization of the agents though.
Also, for some reason my mind kept relating the name "Alex Mercer" with a certain psycho from Skyrim... -
That was quick. by
on 2015-01-16 19:48:00 UTC
Reply
But I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised; you said when you reported it that you really wanted this to die. Congratulations, and I hope we can work together in the future! *tosses confetti*
-
Congrats on the mission! =] by
on 2015-01-16 18:04:00 UTC
Reply
I'm not familiar with either canon (being one of those foetid nightmare beasts who only play weird, dirt cheap indie titles dug out from the depths of Desura), but the agents seemed pretty enjoyable and your knowledge base is obviously sound. I also rather liked Kala's motivation for joining the PPC.
All in all, off to a pretty good start! =] -
Ooo, mission. by
on 2015-01-16 18:02:00 UTC
Reply
It didn't have the stiltedness of your first Permission Prompt, which vastly improved the quality. The flow was good. The person I'd suggest a Crash Dummy for a second-person fic, but I've been told that's optional. The only thing I'm confused about is why Discworld-Death showed up. (Also, there's an errorbox in the middle of "of.")
All in all, I'm looking forward to seeing more of these agents! :)