The last few lines had me in stitches. :D

Wire Tap: Christmas Special by SeaTurtle on 2014-12-25 03:24:00 UTC Reply

Wow, it's been a while since I've written something. Might as well start now!

Welcome again to Wire Tap, the mini-series of my main mini-series (Un)Intelligence. Sit back, relax, and enjoy.

Protip: do not look up images of flesh eating disease. Seriously.

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Department of Intelligence datanet

>Login
>>BOARD OVERRIDE DETECTED, GRANTING FULL ACCESS
>>View/Authentication[BOARD OVERRIDE]/Chatlogs/Today/ICEPChatlogs/ Log12913-PC9-AF10

>>>>TRANSLATING… DONE

[GlassNoodles has joined the chat room]
[MrBurleigh has joined the chat room]

MrBurleigh: Hey, Penny. New screen name?

GlassNoodles: you betcha, angus. i’m really into japchae right now.

MrBurleigh: Japchae? Oh man, I love Korean food. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I finally took possession of the New Caledonia condo just right now. I’m going to get some of the cubicle crew to help me move all of the important stuff to the new place this afternoon. Sophie really wants to sleep next to the big window tonight.

GlassNoodles: :D :D :D what a christmas present! sophie must be so happy!!

MrBurleigh: Oh, she’s been ecstatic all week long. D’you know she’s never seen a real sunrise in her life? She’s practically been raised in HQ. Come to think of it, the last time I saw a sunrise on Earth was when we got lost together in New Cal without our RAs! Looking forward to seeing the sun with my own eyes tomorrow.

GlassNoodles: lol, i remember that! we were such a great big bunch of newbies way back in the day!

GlassNoodles: and good on you! hq is really boring :) i guess this means you’ll have to wake up earlier than usual so that you have time to walk to the complex, right?

MrBurleigh: Yeah, but not by much. The residential sector is built around Central anyways, so it’s about a ten-minute walk from my place to one of HQ’s entrances. Besides, I always walk Sophie to the Nursery’s school before work; this shouldn’t take any longer than it usually does.

GlassNoodles: glad to hear it! mind if i come over and help with your move? it turns out i’m free this afternoon after all.

MrBurleigh: the indoors quiddich match got cancelled?

GlassNoodles: had to be rescheduled. patterson got mauled by a Sue in the field just a few hours ago. medical will fix that in no time but he’ll still be under observation for a few days so that means he can’t play. i don’t blame him-- heaven knows he needs a break after all he’s been though.

MrBurleigh: Thanks for telling me that-- I’ll swing by John’s RC and visit him later. By the way, you guys don’t have substitute players?

GlassNoodles: not even one. it was hard enough forming the team! it turns out that bludgeoning people in the dark isn’t all that popular in the doi.

MrBurleigh: I can’t imagine why.

GlassNoodles: har har. just you wait: the doi will qualify for the 2015 season!

MrBurleigh: I’m looking forward to the upcoming season, then. See you in a couple of hours, then.

GlassNoodles: will do :) i’ll bring you a housewarming gift too!

MrBurleigh: You’re far too kind, Penny. See you later.

GlassNoodles: i know i am. cheers big fella.

[GlassNoodles has left the chat room]
[MrBurleigh has left the chat room]

= = = = =

Department of Internal Affairs datanet

>Login
>>BOARD OVERRIDE DETECTED, GRANTING FULL ACCESS
>>View/Authentication[BOARD OVERRIDE]/Misc.data/Today/Personnel/SpecialResponse/Activeduty/Species/TimeLord/Emiranlanoamar(Guardsman)/Datanetsearchhistory

>>>>TRANSLATING... DONE

[Login at HST 16/12/2014, 08:47:12]

Christmas gifts for partner

Christmas gifts for work partner

Quarian race

Dextro-amino life forms

Difference between levo-amino and dextro-amino life forms

Quarian face

Quarian immune system

How to boost immune system

Quarian environmental suit schematics

Epidemiology

Immune system

Retrovirus

Bacteria

Flesh eating bacteria

Flesh eating bacteria images

Roast beef

How to make a roast beef sandwich

PPC New Caledonia sandwich shops

Shawarma

What is the best kind of shawarma

Cows

E. Coli

Mass Effect sniper rifles

Viper rifle vs Mantis rifle

Mass Effect sniper rifle ballistic tests images videos

M-97 Viper X price

Big Murphy PPC New Caledonia Viper X rifle price

Weapon mods Mass Effect Big Murphy

Sniper rifle concentration V mod price

How to replace M-97 Viper parts with ultralight materials

How to wrap a gift

How to make a curly bow with ribbon

Laser screwdriver firmware updates

Does laser screwdriver work on ribbons

Make ribbons curly with laser screwdriver

How to put out a fire

[Logout at 16/12/2014, 13:06:09]

Wire Tap: New Year's Special by SeaTurtle on 2014-12-31 18:18:00 UTC Reply

Department of Intelligence datanet

>Login
>>BOARD OVERRIDE DETECTED, GRANTING FULL ACCESS
>>View/Authentication[BOARD OVERRIDE]/Chatlogs/Today/ICEPChatlogs/ Log_00140-TK12-GD13

>>>>TRANSLATING… DONE

[Tomoko Kogi has joined the chat room]

[Colibri has joined the chat room]

Tomoko Kogi: Dammit, I thought I set my chat handle for good last time. Hang on a moment.

[Tomoko Kogi has changed their username to “SiliconChipEater”]

SiliconChipEater: That’s better. Now, on to business: De Grasse, I need your expert advice again.

Colibri: Really? How may I be of service?

SiliconChipEater: I’m going on another date with my girlfriend. Do you remember Mei? I think I introduced her to you a while back. Really short, kinda round, glasses, pink pixie cut, graphic tees and jeans?

Colibri: I think I remember meeting her, yes. She’s the one that said that I looked like a shrivelled-up goblin, right?

SiliconChipEater: Oh my god. Are you still butthurt over that? It was obviously a joke and she apologised! Besides, she didn’t even know about HQ’s translation field since she’s from World One and all.

Colibri: Naturally, this gives her the permission to say things to people “behind their backs”. Speaking of which, I am still owed a cake-- as in a “cake that was made by me for my grandmother’s birthday”.

SiliconChipEater: Okay, I’ll admit that one was my fault. I did say that anything in the kitchen was hers. So, are you going to help me?

SiliconChipEater: Hello?

SiliconChipEater: Did you seriously just bail on me here?

Colibri: Sorry-- AFK for a while. Nasir came over and dropped off his Pokémon before his date with Penny. So where do you want to go this time? North America? Europe? Someplace tropical? I’ve got a lot of stuff planned for Europe-- especially around this time of the year. Even it it’s a little after Christmas some places still have their lights up: New Year’s is upon us and all.

SiliconChipEater: Well, preferably somewhere warm. Mei liked the South American trip that you planned last time but wanted somewhere even warmer. By the way, we took some great pictures at Machu Picchu, wanna see them?

Colibri: No thank you.

Colibri: Might I suggest Hawai’i this time? It’s nice and tropical, everything is in English, and a lot of things in Waikiki are also translated into Japanese for tourists’ sake.

SiliconChipEater: Really? Now that’s pretty useful. Yeah, let’s go with Hawai’i. What is there to do there?

Colibri: There’s a fireworks show at scheduled at midnight tonight. If I were you, I’d pack a supper, walk on the beach with Mei until sunset, and have a picnic while watching the tourists mill around. I’d sit there until midnight, watch the fireworks, and then pack up and go home afterwards.

Colibri: My only concern would be to arrive on time for the next sorting shift: by my watch, you’d only have 2 hours left to sleep before we have to report at the Hub.

SiliconChipEater: I’ll manage. Any restaurants in the area? I’m really looking to impress this time. Sandwiches are good and all but I’m looking for the wow factor.

Colibri: Waikiki has a ton of good Japanese/Korean food. I’d suggest walking along Kalakaua Avenue and exploring the side streets if you have the time. If not, there’s a really good ramen place on Beachwalk Avenue. Can’t remember the name, though.

SiliconChipEater: Sounds good. Anything else I should know?

Colibri: Arrive early at the restaurant; chances are it will be jam-packed full after 5:30pm. I’m forwarding a part of my notes to you right now if you want to do some extra reading.

SiliconChipEater: You’re the best, De Grasse. By the way, what are you doing tonight? Partying it up? Meeting friends?

Colibri: Watching over Nasir’s Glaceon and Murkrow, actually. Grandma has gone over to visit some friends in World One and my parents are working the night shift.

SiliconChipEater: What, you’re gonna be alone?

Colibri: Nope. Juliane and Blacklight are going to watch some Star Trek with me. It’s a nice change of pace for once.

Colibri: Er, the Pokémon, I mean.

SiliconChipEater: “For once.”

SiliconChipEater: When you scurry off and hide after work or between shifts are you really always alone?

Colibri: Well, I do a lot of things with my family but most of the time I’m alone, yes.

SiliconChipEater: Do I really smell that bad?

Colibri: No, it’s not that.

SiliconChipEater: What, then?

Colibri: I don’t want to be a bother. I haven’t got much to share and nobody likes a third wheel. I find that it’s better if I just keep to myself and not disturb anyone.

SiliconChipEater: May I ask a personal question?

Colibri: Go ahead.

SiliconChipEater: You were bullied at school, weren’t you?

[Colibri has left the chat room]

SiliconChipEater: Well, f*** me for trying to understand, right? Don’t think that you’re off the hook, De Grasse. I’ll talk to you when I get back; I’m turning off my phone now.

[Colibri is currently offline. Your message will be sent to them upon their return.]

[SiliconChipEater has left the chat room]

[Colibri has joined the chat room]

Colibri: I swear I logged off because Blacklight landed on my keyboard as I was typing my message. If it’s not too much trouble for you, I’d like to have a chat with you once you’re free.

[SiliconChipEater is currently offline. Your message will be sent to them upon their return.]

Colibri: And yes, I was bullied at school. With a face like mine, who could resist taking potshots at me, eh?

[SiliconChipEater is currently offline. Your message will be sent to them upon their return.]

Colibri: Have a good evening, ma’am.

[SiliconChipEater is currently offline. Your message will be sent to them upon their return.]

[Colibri has left the chat room]
That was great. by Sergio Turbo on 2014-12-26 09:01:00 UTC Reply

Especially the search history. Hilarious
Re: Wire Tap: Christmas Special by firemagic on 2014-12-25 14:52:00 UTC Reply

Ok, the search history bit was pretty funny. I like how it goes from bacteria to flesh eating bacteria to roast beef sandwiches to shawarma. Also, the bit about Angus moving and Sophie getting to see a real sunrise was nice.
Chuckles, chuckles by Desdendelle on 2014-12-25 13:59:00 UTC Reply

Poor, poor Naya, being partnered with the Guardsman. Pretty funny, though.
Also I really doubt a quarian wouldn't know how to put out a by Ekyl on 2014-12-25 05:54:00 UTC Reply

fire. What if one broke out on the Migrant Fleet? Pretty sure fire safety and stuff would be par for the course.

The second part is actually Naya's partner's... by SeaTurtle on 2014-12-25 11:48:00 UTC Reply

...search history. Hence the searches on how to boost an immune system and laser screwdriver updates.

The last few lines had me in stitches. :D by Iximaz on 2014-12-25 04:39:00 UTC Reply

Oh, and since it's about forty minutes to midnight, have a preemptive Merry Christmas! Now I'm off to bed!
Big Murphy would wonder why she didn't come by and ask. :P (nm) by Ekyl on 2014-12-25 04:19:00 UTC Reply