Based on John Rutter's 'Angel's Carol'. Give it a listen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOIhzqutZuQ Very lovely song; does not deserve what I've done to it.


Have you heard the sound
of the agents’ voices
ringing out with charges
ringing out so clear?

Have you seen the blades
shining oh so brightly
as a grim warning
the PPC is here?

Have you heard the news
that they bring from HQ
to the brainwashed canons
who have waited long?

Bad slash, oh, in excess! We kill it!
Bad slash, woe, in excess! We kill it!
Hear the agents sing their joyful song

They have come with bows
and will send off arrows
like a gentle snowfall
in the gentle night

They have come with rage
and one single purpose
to drive out the wraiths
and all the Sues to smite

They have come with love
for the words of canon
And of goodfics, fanart
and a fandom true

Suefics, oh, in excess! We kill them!
Suefics, woe, in excess! We kill them!
Hear the agents singing ‘Slay that Sue’

They will bring new light
to the worlds in darkness
bringing all replacements
quick deaths from above

They will bring new hope
to the waiting canons
when they quote the words
with purity and love

Let the worlds rejoice
at the agents’ coming
Let the Flowers join in
with the joyful verse

Bad AUs, in excess! We kill them!
Bad AUs, in excess! We kill them!
Hear the agents singing ‘End the curse’

Another Jingle Bells Parody (Pokemon edition)
(Sue names taken from the Unclaimed list, the Killed list, and...personal experience)

Jingle bells, Amon smells,
Judy laid an egg,
Wendi's rich and a world-class bitch
And Alex got away,
Hey!
(repeat)
Dashing through the snow
In my pair of Running Shoes
O'er the Routes I go,
Screaming at the Sues!
Yes, I killed Natasha,
And Luke was dead before,
But they're like roaches: For each one
You kill, you find ten more!
Ohhhh,
(chorus)

I adapted Let it Go for the PPC. There are a bunch of mentions of Sue-slaying, but it's about all sorts of holiday badfic.

I'm so, so very sorry.


The badfic mounts on the Pit tonight
Not a goodfic to be seen
Every canon in devastation,
And Suethors screaming, "MEAN!1!!"

The Minis growling like the badfic storm outside
Couldn't keep them down, no matter what we tried.

Take some Bleeprin, try not to snap
If we stop, then the canon's a wrap
Move on, don't stop, don't let them go
Well, here we go!

So just go, so just go
Exorcise every god and mortal
So just go, so just go
Then away through another portal!

I don't care
What the next fic will say
Let the Sues cry on,
We can't let them have this holiday.

It's "funny" how some badfics
Make everything taste like pain
And canon's breaking uncontrollably
I'm going to go insane!

Time to see what this fic'll do
What grammar rules that they'll break through
Just right the wrong, canon for me
Another fic slash-free!

So just go, so just go
Did she fall from the freaking sky?
So just go, so just go
All this badfic will make me cry.

Here I stand
Though I can't stay
And the Sues cry on

I rush to charge across this urple ground
Oh great, did they just break the speed of sound?
And one thought slams into me in a blast:
"Not another time-travel fic,
The past should stay the past!"

So just go, so just go
No time to sleep, no time to yawn
So just go, so just go
Yet another perfect girl is gone!

Here we stand
In the badfics' way
And the Sues cry on,
We can't let them have this holiday.

"Let All Suvian Flesh Keep Silence", to the tune of (you guessed it) "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence".

(Guess who's got a one-way ticket to hell. That's right, I do!)

Let all Suvian flesh keep silence,
And with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing Glitter minded,
For with chargelists in their hands,
PPC Agents descending
With the Canon to demand.

Over Arda, our Sue of Mary,
Ruled with glittered fist and lust,
Walk’d with Fellowship and woo’d many,
Twisting purposes to her own;
She has powers, yea, innumerable
But she only seeks her Twoo Wuv.

Rank on rank the host of Canon
Spreads its vanguard on the way,
As the Light of light descendeth
From the realms of endless day,
That the powers of Sue may vanish
As the Glitter clears away.

In the wreck the tired Agents,
Caffeinated with sleepless eyes,
Trudge through portals back to HQ
As with ceaseless voice they cry:
Alleluia, Alleluia
Alleluia, Canon prevails!

A PPC Agent's Delusion Dream (or, A Very Unlikely Reality)
To the tune of Sevivon, Sov Sov Sov

Agents far, agents wide
Now rejoice on every side.
Agents dance, agents sway--
The SO has gone away!

What we'll do now, we don't care,
If nothing else, he's outta our hair!
Good paychecks are now in store--
And vacations, more and more!


--
With luck, I'll eventually make a recording! Those are always fun.

To the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"

Obi-Wan had become an Aurek-grade cad.
Silmaril burns drove Anakin mad.
What I day I had in FicPsych!
Self-injuring was the Wizard of Oz.
Likewise Misunderstood!Woobie!Miraz.
What a day I had in FicPsych!
Some idiot put C'mell in
A room with Legolas.
Read Lost Tales 2 again; between
Elves and cats no love is lost.
And no sooner were they to Medical sent,
A TARDIS dropped off crackfic'ed Arthur Dent.
What a day I had in FicPsych!

Darth Sidious heard the sound of the drums.
Gonff was schizophrenic, also all thumbs.
What a day I had in FicPsych!
Leela had lost all of her spine.
Fluttershy could do nothing but whine!
What a day I had in FicPsych!
Ungoliant had been dancing
To "Spider in the Bath",
Reeplcheep had starred in Yiffstar fics,
Mister Scott now hated math,
And Retief was content to be a king's gift!
All this was just the first hour of my shift!
What a day I had in FicPsych!

Inspired by Bob Rivers' "The Twelve Pains of Christmas" (and the Twelve Days of Christmas besides), I bring you this 90-line abomination. Boldface is singing, non-boldface is angry shouting and eventually anguished screaming. Enjoy!

Bonus: See how many fandoms you can spot starting from the 6th pain!

----------

The first trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
...is M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The second trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The third trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Warped character,
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The fourth trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Sickly urple prose,
Warped character,
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The fifth trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Five extra Rings!
Sickly urple prose,
Warped character,
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The sixth trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Suethors being idiots,
Five extra Rings!
How am I supposed to read all this?!
Warped character,
There's only nine members of the Fellowship! NINE!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The seventh trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Character Replacements,
Does she understand how this game works?!
Five extra Rings!
I'm gonna go blind from all this glitter!
Warped character,
Voldemort is Harry's uncle?!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The eighth trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Loads and loads of minis,
Character Replacements,
This bastard just can't take criticism!
Five extra Rings!
'A waterfall of gold sparks'... That's her hair?!
Warped character,
PIKACHU NOOOOOOO!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The ninth trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Incorrect biology,
Loads and loads of minis,
Violet isn't a murderer!
You're just doing this for attention, aren't you?!
Five extra Rings!
HIS EYES! MY EYES! THEY BURN!!!
Starfire wouldn't do that! Never!
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The tenth trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Kids born from M-Preg,
But Pit should've bled to death by now!
Where are they all coming from?!
Character Replacements,
Does she even READ the reviews?!
Five extra Rings!
Go wear less elaborate clothing!
Since when did Sora become such a smartass?!
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The eleventh trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Rampaging fic trolls,
I thought women are the ones who have children!
WTF? Velociraptors don't have -
That's not how you spell Godzilla, you twat!
Zuko is NOT a sadistic nut!
Is this some kind of joke to him?!
Five extra Rings!
And lose the fancy jewelry too!
Twilight Sparkle is NOT a prostitute!
Who put Death Mountain right next to Hyrule Castle Town?!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The twelfth trend in badfic that's such a pain to me...
Badly written shipping,
Seriously, who would write this crap?!
The baby's gonna be covered in -
A carnivore just can't live on a vegan diet!
Where did all these minis come from?!
Terminate with extreme prejudice.
How does it feel to have your fic sporked?!
Five extra Rings!
Tolkien would be rolling in his grave!
You know what, so would Rowling!
THAT'S IT! I'M MOVING TO THE MOON!!!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

To the tune of Elvis Presley's "Blue Christmas"

There's a Code Eighteen here on Arda
We see the daughter of Manwë and Varda
Lead a score out at noon
Not at dusk, and too soon,
For they leave ASAP
En route to Mount Doom

And there are nine love interests calling
For canonicals--Gandalf's not falling!
They in Rohan arrive,
Boromir's still alive!
For there's a Code Eighteen here on Arda.

There's a Code Eighteen, for certain.
One Sue's a Vanya, and canon is hurtin'.
For "A/N: Arwen who?
"Eveningstar, nuts to you!"
For there's a Code Eighteen here on Arda.

We find nine obscure ways
To do nine Sues away
And no more Code Eighteen here on Arda.
And no more Code Eighteen here on Arda.

Based on "A Strange Way to Save the World", which... may be by Mark Harris, I'm actually not sure. Either way, it's a Christmas song I really like.

Scored as a duet, for a male and female voice. And... based on OFUM.

A Strange Way to Fall in Love

I'm sure he must have been surprised
At what OFUM had done for him
'cause never in a million lives
Would he have dreamt of Ms. Holling.

But watching as she slumbered
He saw with his own eyes
A smile on Lina's face he recognised
And Gimli thought

Why me?
I'm just a dwarf without a mine
Why here?
Inside this crazy uni 'verse
Why now?
When she's in classes all the time
Why her?
She was a Legoluster first!

Now I'm not one to second-guess
A blessing from above...
But isn't this a strange way
To fall in love?

Just think of how it could have been
If Lina had got what she desired
She would have been with Legolas
And never known her Gimli's fire

But as the school year closes
They come to say goodbye
And Gimli looks into his Lina's eyes
And Gimli thinks

Why me?
I'm just a dwarf without a mine
(Dwarf without a mine)
Why here?
Inside this crazy uni 'verse
Why now?
(Why now?)
When she's in classes all the time
Why me?
I was a Legoluster first!

Now I'm not one to second-guess
A blessing from above...
But isn't this a strange way
To fall in love?

hS

Twelve Flowers bick'ring
Eleven days in FicPsych
Ten minis playing
Nine Time Lords healing
Eight disentanglers
Seven pyros burning
Six bells a-ringing
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF's hide for Luxury!

After "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm" by Irving Berlin(!), although I was following the Doris Day lyrics as recorded here. The original song is actually quite repetitive, so I've loosened up the rhyme scheme significantly. Entire verses also repeat, so I've only written each verse once for space's sake.

The filk leans more towards general canon love, and doesn't involve the PPC directly. Couldn't help it; that's just how the song wrote itself. Nesh, if you don't want it in the songbook, that's fine. I'm also worried it sounds too much like I'm dissing AUs and other goodfic that doesn't follow canon; my intent is that it's just about a good book (etc.) always being a reliable and unchanging companion.

Fandom's imploding, fics are exploding
But canon weathers the harm
What do I care how many fics swarm?
I've got canon to keep me warm!

I can't recall a worse shipping brawl
But I keep back from the brink
What do I care how many ships sink?
I'll always have my canon link!

Down with the inserts, down with the pairs
Back to the canon, you'll see how it fares
Flames are brightening, but my soul's lightening
And I can float high above
The fandom wank, I've had enough of
My heart is filled with canon love!

Out with the movies, any adaptation
Just cannot fill me with sad consternation
I know the form my world has always worn
Fills me with love to keep me warm!

I have a bunch of ideas for songs...I'll probably post the one that makes me cringe the least tomorrow. :)

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth- or in this case, All I Want From Upstairs Is A Vacation. ...enjoy?


"I really love this job!" said nobody
Those vacation hours are gone you see
And I know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish from Upstairs, see
is as plain as it can be!

All I want from Upstairs
is a vacation,
a vacation,
just a vacation!

Gee, if I could only
have a vacation,
then I could finally
be happy!

It seems so long since I could say,
"Man, Upstairs is really kind and thoughtful!"
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only relax- [BEEP!]

All I want from Upstairs
is a vacation,
a vacation,
a vacation.

Gee, if I could only
have a vacation,
then I could finally
Be happy!

This sprang into my head a few days ago, inspired by Henry Robinson's origins as an Mpreg baby. Maybe a little NSFW due to the subject matter—gotta set the right tone for these things, doncha know—so please exercise discretion reading on.

Harry Potter Had a Baby Boy (Get the Debugger!)

To the tune of "The Virgin Mary Had a Baby Boy," a traditional Trinidad Christmas carol.

Oh, Harry Potter had a baby boy
Oh, Harry Potter had a baby boy
Oh, Harry Potter had a baby boy
And he birthed it through his anus.

It came from his colon,
It came from that wizard kid's colon!
It came from his colon,
It came from that wizard kid's colon!
Get the debugger!
Get the debugger!
It came from his colon,
It came from that wizard kid's colon!

The agents wept when the baby was born
The agents wept when the baby was born
The agents wept when the baby was born
What's become of little Albus?

He fell through a plothole,
He fell through a buggery plothole!
He fell through a plothole,
He fell through a buggery plothole!
Get the debugger!
Get the debugger!
He fell through a plothole,
He fell through a buggery plothole!

Oh, Snape, he saw when the baby was born
Oh, Snape, he saw when the baby was born
Oh, Snape, he saw when the baby was born
What's become of our Severus?

He knocked up poor Harry,
He knocked up that poor Harry Potter!
He knocked up poor Harry,
He knocked up that poor Harry Potter!
Get the debugger!
Get the debugger!
He knocked up poor Harry,
He knocked up that poor Harry Potter!

The agents charged, for the baby was born
The agents charged, for the baby was born
The agents charged, for the baby was born
And they debugged the little fetus.

They took it to HQ,
They took it to Headquarters, woo hoo!
They took it to HQ,
They took it to Headquarters, woo hoo!
Get the debugger!
Get the debugger!
And take it to HQ,
And take it to Headquarters, woo hoo!

---

... I kinda feel like I should apologize for that. Be more classy than me, guys! ^_^; I'm working on something better, too.

~Neshomeh