Since you haven't had any requests yet...

Subject: Since you haven't had any requests yet...
Author: Neshomeh
Posted on: 2014-11-05 23:08:00 UTC

Here's one I was thinking of taking at one point, but decided I won't:

Fic: "ᴛʜᴏʀɪɴ's ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴘʀɪɴᴄᴇss/ᴀ ᴋɪʟɪ sᴛᴏʀʏ"
Continuum: The Hobbit
Description: A random girl claiming to be a Ranger and an Animorph joins the Quest for Erebor, makes Thorin a misogynist, flirts with Kili, steals lines, makes out with Kili, and otherwise contributes very little to the plot.
Type of Badfic: Numerology-Wrecking Suefic

Plot Holes: She joins Thorin's company; she's somehow "the last Animorph" (without actually tying the story to the Animorphs series in any real way, or I'd be all over it); apparently Animorphs are considered monsters, according to her bio and Radagast; she's somehow a Ranger and Thorin's adopted daughter; apparently she's also a Shadowhunter/Dragon Warrior/Shadow Runner, the last of which at least is apparently a racial enemy of the Dwarves; and the story has annoying formatting and POV shifts.

Offenses Against Canon: Her name is silly, her other name is silly, and her horse's name is silly; most of the fic is a word-for-word retelling of the movie; she can blend in with shadows and turn into animals; she makes Thorin question her as a fighter because she's a woman, then handily beats him; she's Thorin's adopted daughter; she has a portentous dragon-shaped birthmark; and she gets a speshul sword with a silly name from the Trolls' cave.

... I'm not actually sure what I should call a plothole and what I should call an offense against canon. I tried.

I don't know the wordcount, since it's on Quotev, but the good news is that you can completely ignore the large, obnoxious stretches that simply recap the film. {X P And hey, maybe Kaitlyn will finally get her wish to be a Hobbit.

Happy sporking!

~Neshomeh

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PPC: Driftwood - Mission 5 & Now Taking Requests by Huinesoron on 2014-11-05 09:34:00 UTC Reply

Bella Black

In which Hermione sees a Death Eater in Hogwarts and decides she just needs a hug.

Reviews, as always, are welcome.

And, yes, once again I'm taking requests for their next mission. Less than 6000 words, rated T or lower, and please tell me why it's bad; the Intelligence Report layout given below is good for that.

hS

Intelligence Report Template:

Fic: [Title & link]
Continuum: [Continuum/-a]
Description: [Your summary]
Type of Badfic: [ie, what department would it fall under]
Plot Holes: [Brief description of the biggest holes in the plot]
Offenses Against Canon: [Brief description of the biggest breaks from canon]

I'll have you know... by Fractal Dawn on 2014-11-08 18:37:00 UTC Reply

I had a review. It was at least somewhat lengthy, discussed which points I loved and why (particularly handling the issue of Selene's dietary needs and appreciation of good food), pithy remarks and astute observations.

And then Firefox crashed and ate it.

I am too tired to re-type it. So we'll just leave it as "I really loved how you handled the characters of the PPC Agents, as always I love the constructive criticism at the end, the fic was WTF, and it was well-handled; thanks for a great read."

Also, nit-pick: "Selene turned in the stool..."
Should that be on the stool? I've never actually heard in before, but I would be willing to believe some people use it.
Since you haven't had any requests yet... by Neshomeh on 2014-11-05 23:08:00 UTC Reply

Here's one I was thinking of taking at one point, but decided I won't:

Fic: "ᴛʜᴏʀɪɴ's ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴘʀɪɴᴄᴇss/ᴀ ᴋɪʟɪ sᴛᴏʀʏ"
Continuum: The Hobbit
Description: A random girl claiming to be a Ranger and an Animorph joins the Quest for Erebor, makes Thorin a misogynist, flirts with Kili, steals lines, makes out with Kili, and otherwise contributes very little to the plot.
Type of Badfic: Numerology-Wrecking Suefic

Plot Holes: She joins Thorin's company; she's somehow "the last Animorph" (without actually tying the story to the Animorphs series in any real way, or I'd be all over it); apparently Animorphs are considered monsters, according to her bio and Radagast; she's somehow a Ranger and Thorin's adopted daughter; apparently she's also a Shadowhunter/Dragon Warrior/Shadow Runner, the last of which at least is apparently a racial enemy of the Dwarves; and the story has annoying formatting and POV shifts.

Offenses Against Canon: Her name is silly, her other name is silly, and her horse's name is silly; most of the fic is a word-for-word retelling of the movie; she can blend in with shadows and turn into animals; she makes Thorin question her as a fighter because she's a woman, then handily beats him; she's Thorin's adopted daughter; she has a portentous dragon-shaped birthmark; and she gets a speshul sword with a silly name from the Trolls' cave.

... I'm not actually sure what I should call a plothole and what I should call an offense against canon. I tried.

I don't know the wordcount, since it's on Quotev, but the good news is that you can completely ignore the large, obnoxious stretches that simply recap the film. {X P And hey, maybe Kaitlyn will finally get her wish to be a Hobbit.

Happy sporking!

~Neshomeh

Oh my. by Huinesoron on 2014-11-07 09:18:00 UTC Reply

Definitely taking this one (even though it's clearly way longer than 6k; the 'here's the film' segments eat into that, such as the first... three entire chapters). And... wow. Those are some pretty bad names. Yep, time to club this one over the head.

Also, her sword is named 'Wingless Dragon, Long Vowel'. ^_^

hS

Oh hey, speaking of names... by Neshomeh on 2014-11-07 15:59:00 UTC Reply

I have a little plotbunny involving Alice and that Valinorian horse I found in one of Adagio's missions, but he really does need a better name than "Delroch." Could you help me figure something out? Probably Quenya, since he's from Valinor. He's supposed to be the son of Nahar's sister, so I was thinking something along the lines of "proud blood." He's white, if that suggests anything that won't remind us of Snowmane.

Failing that, I could look for another literary reference a la Alice... Charles, maybe, that being Lewis Carroll's actual first name... which would probably lead to all sorts of terrible "Charlie the Unicorn" jokes. >.>

~Neshomeh

A Quenya question! Awesome. by Huinesoron on 2014-11-07 16:37:00 UTC Reply

There doesn't seem to be a Q. word for 'pride', but 'holy' is another matter. And... well, Nahar is almost certainly a Maia in his own right, not a horse at all - he creates mountains when he jumps. That means his sister is presumably a Maia as well - in the same sense that Manwe and Melkor are brothers - so Horse here is in the same situation as Luthien the Nightingale. Only, uh, for horses.

So... how about 'Aireyár'? It means 'Holy blood' (insert Da Vinci Code reference here), using an older word for 'blood', as might be expected for the nephew of Nahar. Or there's 'Aineyár', directly adopting the word 'Ainu'. It's a bit unsubtle, but I see he was owned by Maglor; that Feanorian arrogance rubs off, y'know.

Wandering further afield, there's a lovely word 'Calambar', which literally means 'light-fated', but is interpreted 'blessed'. You could also have something like 'Mánayár', 'blessed blood', or 'Mánalossë' for 'blessed snow-white'. Or, for any of the '-yár' names, you can use '-sercë' instead; it's a more modern 'blood' word. 'Mánasercë' is probably the neatest of those.

Anything? I can keep wandering the name lists if you want something else. Nahar's own name is no help - it's apparently onomatapoea in Valarin.

hS

Hmm... by Neshomeh on 2014-11-07 17:07:00 UTC Reply

I like the sound of Calambar, and the lack of diacriticals. And he is lucky enough to escape his badfic and find a new life, so that's a good fate right there.

Here's another thought, though: what sort of name would the real Maglor come up with for his horse? Some reference to music could be fun.

~Neshomeh

That's a Netilardo question if I ever heard one. by Huinesoron on 2014-11-08 18:44:00 UTC Reply

It is a curious fact of the history of Middle-earth that Maglor Feanorion was the premier horse-master of Beleriand. Between the hardy native breeds and the powerful Valinorean race - the ultimate ancestors of the mearas - there was no contest, for even setting aside the effect of the Two Trees, Valinor was a land of wide plains, while Beleriand was heavily forested.

But the horses of Aman never crossed the Grinding Ice; the only Valinorean steeds to reach Middle-earth were those carried by Feanor's host in his ships. Given the tense relations between House Feanor and the rest of Beleriand, it is clear that the Feanorian horses would have remained just that.

But Maedhros lived on a mountain; Caranthir, Celegorm, and Curifin guarded hilly regions and mountain passes; Amrod and Amras hunted in the ancient forest. Of Feanor's seven sons, only Maglor lived in horse country - in fact, in the greatest horse county in Middle-earth. For Maglor's Gap was the eastern gateway between forested Beleriand, and Ard-galen - the massive plain between Dorthonion and Thangorodrim. Until the Sudden Flame, it was a sea of grass - and of Noldorin warriors, and of their horses.

So Maglor would have raised the greatest horses in Middle-earth; tall and proud, fleet of foot, heirs to the horses of Valinor, and even to Nahar himself. And they would have been long-lived - the one Valinorean animal we know the lifespan of is Huan, and he lived at least 460 years. Maglor would have had a lot of time to get to know his charges.

So what would he have named them? Given Maglor's somewhat tense relationship with his family, the typical Feanorian names would have been out. But the first thing everyone knows about Maglor is that he was a harper - and we all betray ourselves in the metaphors we use. Maglor would have seen his horses as allegro, as adagio, as prestissimo, their personalities likening themselves to music.

We do not have a Quenya (for Maglor of House Feanor would certainly have used Quenya) musical vocabulary comparable to our Italian one. But different instruments are suited to different tempos and styles of music, and so a slow horse might become Nainië, 'Lament', and a frisky, ever-juvenile steed might be Nyellë, 'Bell'. A steady walker could be known as Lairë, 'Poem', and one who could hold a rhythmic trot as Lírë, 'Song'.

And Maglor's personal mount? We each seek out personalities like to our own - and so what else could his horse be known as but Nandaro - 'Harper'?

hS

I like it! by Neshomeh on 2014-11-11 16:03:00 UTC Reply

Of course you know I can't resist naming him "Harper." And it's such a pretty word in Quenya, too. This is awesome. Thank you! ^_^

~Neshomeh

If you do... by Huinesoron on 2014-11-11 16:46:00 UTC Reply

... there's also a beautiful word Nandellë, 'little harp'. It could serve as an affectionate nickname/aftername, should anyone be in a position to give him one.

hS

Maaayyybeee. >.> by Neshomeh on 2014-11-11 17:14:00 UTC Reply

~~Yes I want adorable mearababies shurrup.~~

>.>

<.>
~Neshomeh

I cannot even describe how happy this post makes me. by DawnFire on 2014-11-09 23:54:00 UTC Reply

Thank you for writing it.

~DF

Ooh, Animorphs! by Iximaz on 2014-11-06 01:45:00 UTC Reply

(And ick, that fic. It makes me sick. So much of this story just doesn't click. ~~No I won't stop rhyming yet. You think you can make me? Wanna bet?~~)

Are you planning on Ilraen ever getting to see more of his home continuum?

I've been keeping an eye out for a good Animorphs Sue, but the majority of badfic I've seen is Angsty(er than normal)!Tobias or Jake/Cassie bad het, Marco/Rachel where she acts wildly OOC, or bad slash with Tobias/Ax (ewww). And a lot of badly written fix-fics where Rachel comes back from the dead.

Though I can't blame them for trying. I didn't read the last book for years after my first time because I hated the Downer Ending.

I really want to, but... by Neshomeh on 2014-11-06 03:29:00 UTC Reply

The trouble is finding a suitably terrible crossover with continua I know—and if I had my druthers, I'd want it to really mess with Ax or Elfangor or maybe Aldrea for maximum effect. Unfortunately, most of the ones I've looked at are either one-shots/single chapters or epics on the order of tens of thousands of words, and/or just mediocre-boring rather than making my fingers twitch for the sporks.

I've got my eye on this little gem, though: "The 54th Hunger Games." As you might've guessed, it's a Hunger Games crossover. The Animorphs live in various districts in Panem for some reason, and of course they all get reaped. The story spends most of its time on the reapings and the fancy dresses the female characters wear. It's insipid, OOC, has barely anything tying it to Animorphs besides the characters with their names, and overall just dumb. And Ax is in it, even if he is human. I might go for it if nothing better falls into my lap before I'm ready to start a new DIC mission.

On the bright side, I also found an Animorphs x Dragonriders of Pern fic that's fairly good: "Invasion of Pern." It's all OCs, it's well-written, and above all it's plausible. ^_^

~Neshomeh

I could keep an eye out, if you'd like. by Iximaz on 2014-11-06 11:54:00 UTC Reply

I know you're familiar with Animorphs, Harry Potter, Dragonriders of Pern, and Lord of the Rings. Any others I should know about?

...Cassie didn't get giggly over her Tribute Dresses, did she? Please tell me she didn't.

I'll have to go check out that fic sometime!

Sure, that would be nice. {= ) by Neshomeh on 2014-11-06 23:25:00 UTC Reply

My favorite fandoms are broken down by my competence in them here on my wiki page.

Cassie does not in fact enjoy being trussed up in the fic, and her dress is more sedate than the others', as I recall. So I guess there's that, at least. (Rachel, on the other hand, is thrilled. I mean, I know she likes fashion, but I still don't see her at the type to get all excited over a chance to wear a prom dress.)

~Neshomeh

Poor Kaitlyn by Hieronymus Graubart on 2014-11-05 13:31:00 UTC Reply

I’d be furious if somebody removed my memories of Hermione Granger.

I’m afraid this mission report is not free of errors:

... black bees seemed to crystallised out of the darkness.
"crystallised" is probably the wrong tense?

The canon characters were starting to recover from the battle that had been waged over her head.
Since there are two of them, this should be "their heads".

(not coincidentally) HG

Thanks! by Huinesoron on 2014-11-05 15:00:00 UTC Reply

Both typos fixed; FF.net may take a while to update, but I have changed them.

hS

*practically flips out due to excitement* by Iximaz on 2014-11-05 12:25:00 UTC Reply

The part when Kaitlyn tried to float through a tree had me in stitches. And her hedgehog Patronus was a nice choice. Hedgehogs are kind of like hobbits in a way, aren't they? =^w^=

I think you hit just about every nail on the head in regards to charges for this monstrosity. Well done!