Subject: Not bad! Not bad at all!
Author:
Posted on: 2014-09-17 20:35:00 UTC
I noticed a few grammar/word choice mishaps you forgot to fix on the original file; I'll get to those if/when you open these parts to comments/suggestions :) (Your pre-mission does not need my help.)
Hello everyone,
I am pleased to announce that work is underway for my first mission! Given the sheer length of the writing I've created so far (courtesy of the unbelievable monster of a fic I'm sporking), I've been advised by my betas to divide it into multiple parts, so I've split up the writing so far into "acts". The Pre-Mission and Acts 1-3 have been completed, and I thought I'd show them on the Board for your enjoyment.
Based on my readings within the Board, I'm also uploading the prologue I published for my current Agent pair. My RC number is #227.
Prologue: A Wild Skarmory Appeared! (completed on September 6)
Mission 1: Connecting The Dots (In progress)
Pre-Mission
Act 1
Act 2
Act 3
As an aside, I've settled on a good name for my Sphinx Agent: Rashida Mafdetiti. I had to change the spelling of the first name, as Rasheeda is Muslim for "Conscious" but Rashida is Egyptian for "Righteous", which suits her better. Her name now means "The Righteous one [for whom] Mafdet has come", which suits her pretty well, I think.
My writing will be a bit slow due to research and all that, but Acts 4-6 and the post-mission are in progress and will be delivered to my betas for perusal, I promise. Take care!
-SS
My thoughts- firstly, formatting. I suggest having an extra line between paragraphs. Even though you indented, you still ended up forming a but of a text wall.
Secondly, Rashida. I love how you included so much insight into her thought process and yet still left her past unclear. Makes things more exciting, it does. ;)
Thirdly, the Pokémon battle. I was laughing my stomach sore the whole time I was reading it, especially the bits involving the battle narration.
All in all, a very good start, and I will leave more thoughts as I read!
The only complaint I really have is the lack of space between paragraphs. And considering you couldn't have had time to change that (if at all) I guess I have nothing negative to say.
On to the good things!
The Sar-Plasm was a very nice touch, and it seemed fitting for Rashida. Though I do have to ask... how does a Skarmory know how to work a shower? I can't imagine Falchion ever had reason to learn in the past. Still, it made for an amusing image when he fell in. And where exactly was the shower located in relation to the rest of the RC? I got the sense that it was out in the open, which seems quite a bit odd.
Anyway, just from reading Rashida's description of the fic I can tell your agents are going to be in for quite a ride! I'm interested to see what significance Falchion's Shiny Bauble will have, too.
Very Nice!
I noticed a few grammar/word choice mishaps you forgot to fix on the original file; I'll get to those if/when you open these parts to comments/suggestions :) (Your pre-mission does not need my help.)
I just e-mailed the most current drafts of Acts 1-3 to you for your perusal. Enjoy!
As an aside, I've fixed up some things pointed out in the replies to the original post. Mr. Incrediebell is no more, and instead I've modified the writing so that helen is identified as the first mini-Omnidroid. I've also retconned the Ominous Red, and since I didn't want to get rid of mention of a new Suvian color entirely, I decided to substitute another one. From Act 2, Page 5:
[Rashida:] “There’s an eery glow from the corner of the basement.”
[Falchion:] “An eery glow?” I asked.
[Rashida:] “Yeah,” I muttered, cringing as we tried not to stare at the glow – its color wasn’t directly specified but to us, it was a disturbing shade of red that apparently instilled viewers with overwhelming dread...
It's unusual for a PPCer to tackle such a huge fic for his first mission, but I must admit that you've done so quite admirably. This mission could easily have been penned by a more experienced Boarder. You've gotten me interested in the story, and you demonstrate Rashida's and Falchion's personalities quite well.
A few things, though:
1) The mini "Mr. Incrediebell": I do not think that this counts as a mini. In context, it is clear that in-fic!Megamind got the name wrong but did not care to find out if he was indeed amiss. In other words, the authors meant for it to be misspelled.
Of course, I would welcome it if an Oldbie would give his or her two cents on this.
2) Ominous Red: I do not think that this should be a Sue color. Though a comma would have been useful, I think that the sentence is perfectly grammatical as is: it's pretty clear that in the phrase "glowed with an ominous red aura," both "ominous" and "red" modify "aura." I know that we at the PPC love to find humor wherever we can is, but this seems like creating an issue where there is none in my opinion.
3)“Called it,” I grinned smugly as I watched Donkey Kong introduce himself…
That comma should be a period, or else the verb should change; one cannot "grin" a quote. If you want a facial expression tied to the quote, consider something like this: "Called it," I said with a smug grin on my face as I watched Donkey Kong introduce himself…"
Either way, good work so far, and I'll be looking forward to the rest of the mission.
1.) *Facetalon of D'oh!* In hindsight, I should've known that Megamind's mispronounciation was canon. I'll wait on additional feedback for that, though, since Mr. Incrediebell was the first mini I found on the mission and our first Incredibles mini as well, and I'm a bit reluctant to retcon it out of existence because it may uproot quite a few minor details in the story.
2.) Yeah, the Ominous Red sounded a bit forced in hindsight. I WAS wondering if there was a Suvian color tucked in the fic somewhere, and I was hoping this was it, but I may end up having to retcon that particular part. I do have to wonder, though, are there any Suvian shades of red that can be substituted?
3.) I'll fix that ASAP. Thanks!
P.S. Is anyone interested in creating a page about The Incredibles continuum on the Wiki? I was tempted to but I'll hold out in case someone else knows about Incredibles badfic and related subjects better than I do...
Forgot to close the italic tag after the first line of point 3)
I'll get to betaing everything I haven't done so far either tonight or tomorrow (actually make that tomorrow, I may be a bit too tipsy now to do much)