Very brief, I have about ten minutes... (which is why no Terri this time; also because you've said to Nesh that it's not complete)

Unfortunately, the negatives that Terri highlighted in Arrow are still here - in fact, they're magnified. One reason I've always disliked missions taking place in TARDISes is because they completely separate the agents from the action. And, uh... okay, it turns out that they weren't in their TARDIS? Then why are all the quotes in [square brackets] like they're coming from a computer screen? And, more importantly, why don't the agents interact, like, at all? Yes, Ceka goes and pesters the Doctor, but other than that, this reads like an MST, not a mission.

You've tried to paraphrase parts of the action, but you've run into two stumbling blocks: you've still got way too much direct quoting, and you're not really being selective about either. Yes, every direct quote got a reply, but... how many times do you need to say 'No respectable Time Lord would say that'?

I think I can probably stop here. My main issue is that the agents don't interact with the world around them, um, pretty much at all, except when you write little set pieces (Ceka talks to the Doctor, the agents sneak into the gym). I also have no idea why Ceka is a Time Lord - or why she's even there. Two agents would have been plenty, and would have let you flesh out Silver and Anna's characters further.

Oh, and something I go on about a lot: no-one's going to read a half-page block-paragraph charge list. Break it up with interruptions by other characters, or trim it down to bare essentials, but that sort of thing is too long. (And yes, I have a few of my own floating around).

If you'd like me to go through and dissect TLT in more detail, I can try, but right now, my time's up.

hS

The story was very good. please write another one.

Um. I don't have time for a full beta reading, either, but there were some things I want to bring up about the mission's current form that need to be worked on. (I couldn't do a proper beta anyway, as I've only seen a few Ninth Doctor episodes. Hey, Slitheen! Nice to see you guys again. Nice to actually recognize something out of a Doctor Who mission for once.)

The one big issue right now is this extremely forced animosity between Silver and Ceka. It's completely distracting throughout the entire mission, and there doesn't seem to be any reason for it, except to have conflict for conflict's sake. I'm fine with agents not getting along well all the time, as the PPC isn't a children's TV show. But Silver's . . . Time Lord racism? I don't know what to call it. Silver's racism gets thrown at us out of nowhere in the beginning—nothing in the previous mission suggested Silver had anything against Gallifreyans. She doesn't display the same level of distaste towards the Doctor later, or even to the Sues. Heck, she even goes along with recruiting the Flier at the end without a word of complaint, so what is it that makes her dislike Ceka specifically? And there's no resolution to it, either; we're just told at the end that "her prejudice [is] finally gone." But this just makes it more illogical, because we never knew why that prejudice existed in the first place, or why it has suddenly disappeared. The agents' collective actions during the mission also contradict that there is any conflict between them, as on two occasions (neuralyzing the gym and returning the Doctor to the TARDIS) Anna leaves Silver and Ceka alone together, with no sign of enmity between them during those periods. If Silver disliked Ceka so, wouldn't she volunteer to do those things, to get away from Ceka?

Perhaps the answer there lies with the suspicion in the beginning that Ceka might have been trying to help the Sues. But that leads to another contradiction, because if Ceka, an established, if newbie, agent was untrustworthy, why would Silver (again) go along with recruiting the Flier, an actual Sue? At the end of the day, it feels like you've written Silver to be mean to a new character for the sake of giving the agents something to do during the mission, then magically removed that conflict at the end when it was no longer convenient. Honestly, it doesn't work; take away the Time Lord hate, and all the agents have left in their part of the story is commenting on what the badfic does and performing the motions of observe-neuralyze-assassinate. The actual badfic sequences are far more entertaining than what the agents are doing.

I realize this all sounds extremely negative, but that's partly because I'm reacting to an unfinished product that got posted too early. My goal here is only to point out a major narrative error so you can retool it in the next draft. Give your agents personalities: not just contextless, baseline traits like "hates Gallifreyans" (though again, I'm still not clear that is Silver's problem), but full viewpoints and opinions that can play off of each other and whatever's happening around them. That will lead to much better dialogue and a much better reading experience overall.

Review here

(I know it's the older mission; I was going to do both, but ran out of time)

And I'm a little unclear on this: are you saying Time Lord Twins is finished, or that it needs betaing? If the former, then you should absolutely post it on the Board as well as the Wiki - most people don't look at the Wiki for new missions!

hS