Subject: Congratulations and minor nitpick.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-09-05 11:55:00 UTC
"... a second CRUNCH as the it drove her into a small crater."
Something’s wrong with this sentence. It’s probably meant to be either "the bird" or "it".
HG, looking forward to reading your missions.
Well, I've waited for long enough (if a little more than a month is considered long enough). I've done SO MUCH reading and completed all the requisite material including the beta stage, so I believe I have what it takes to create my own PPC content. So, without further ado, please find my official permission request below. Enjoy!
Agent Bios:
Falchion - A Skarmory who wandered through a plot-hole one day, Falchion is a sportive but absentminded armored bird. A newcomer to the PPC, he has a collection of false memories which he wishes to decipher.
Rasheeda bint Giza - A powerful Sphinx from a fantasy continuum of the author's creation, Rasheeda has just transferred to the DF from the DIA. She is trying to become a balanced character without being too overpowered.
Writing Prompts:
Control Prompt - The Agents first meet.
Random Prompt - One Agent incorrectly accuses the other of something.
Targeted Badfic: "Rise of the Galeforces" - The only badfic ever completed by Falchion's Author (a.k.a. myself). Contains a self-insert Gary Stu who is overly pedantic about palaeobiology, two Character Replacements, a lot of gratuitous tickle-fetish scenes in the first two episodes... and nonstop graphic violence/gore in the last six chapters. Yay.
Episode 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1J58DHm5dFEndaQq-krzdJJs7iq7AkT7d0zuWAo35Qo
Episode 2: <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CfQS2gmVZCgrbMaAsR4k3WWZpGbkToOYojFs37ySsY">https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CfQS2gmVZCgrbMaAsR4k3WWZpGbkToOYoj_Fs37ySsY
Episode 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sDmdwFggmwpcnZY1DvZZClv7EjkrIY4Y9hCZDINDahg
Episode 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mEWIdcvDq3wQo0r5M5ekYy4Z5TrVg1B0DqGLJMte03E
Feedback is appreciated as always~ :) I hope I've done well enough!
But letting other people do all the Permission stuff is one failing I try to hide whenever possible. And so:
-You. As far as I'm concerned, you've involved yourself in the PPC Community, so tick box there.
-Characters. I liked them when I first saw them, and I still like them now. The changes Falchion's character in particular has gone through remind me of Manwe's chapter of 'The Game of the Gods'. He started out with flaws coming out of his, er, whatever Skarmory have instead of ears, and has been continually adapted into a good character - not by simply deleting things whenever people questioned them, but by changing them to fit. That's how it's supposed to work, it really is.
Though I have no idea why you kept the section title 'Sexuality and Kinks', since the latter make virtually no appearance. That would be like titling part of your CV 'Work & Volunteer Experience & Time Spent In Space'; it's technically accurate, but rather random. Oh well.
Control prompt: I liked this. I particularly liked the random Pokemon battle - it seemed a bit strange having Rasheeda know about Pokemon, but she's a trained PPC agent, she should know some canons. That was the high point of the story, for me.
I was a little disappointed that, while putting the first half in the Floating Hyacinth's POV, you didn't make particular use of the peculiarities of the Flowers. They're powerful telepaths with fairly low visual acuity - you missed a great opportunity to give us Rasheeda's description as a Flower sees her. You could've gone overboard with the leaf-metaphors (I'm not sure the Hyacinth even knows what a deinonychosaur is, though come to think of it we do have one running around HQ), and even delved into a mental description to go with the physical one.
But like I say, that's a missed opportunity, not an error as such. It might also have interfered with the purpose of the piece, which is showing us what the agent is like, and you did that very well. Even for Falchion, at least in a combat situation.
Minor errors I caught:
-The SO wouldn't be the sole person responsible for Rasheeda's transfer. Either it would be the Marquis de Sod (Personnel), the Tiger Lily (DIA), or the Board as a whole.
-Rasheeda seems pretty random in terms of which deity she invokes. Why invoke Osiris about DAVD? Why invoke Anubis when attacked? They're both gods of the Dead, which doesn't seem very appropriate. In fact, given that the first place is a request for protection, the second a response to violence, and that Rasheeda's a lion... have you considered giving her a cat theme? 'Bastet forbid' would work in the first instance, since she's a Protector (and it also makes for interesting possibilities with the Temple of Bast), while 'for the love of Sekhmet' would work in the latter. Then you've already got Mafdet, who's a cat or mongoose... it's not like there's a shortage of feline Egyptian gods!
-You've left the Accident unclear - deliberately, I assume - but nothing you've written suggests she was in the DIA, rather than the DMS. I assume the 'Stu had taken down an agent team, and Rasheeda was in there to stop him causing any more trouble? A couple of mentions of the other agents wouldn't have gone amiss.
Random prompt: This was a good choice, letting us see what Falchion is like when on a mission (ie, with hands and stuff). I don't think it came out as well as the control prompt, but I can't really pin a reason on that. Certainly it would work better with more context - a lead-in of him getting more and more worried about the story - which makes me think this is just a scene from an upcoming mission.
But it's technically sound, has some good lines - I like 'flocking' as a swearword, particularly from a solitary species like Skarmory. I also like his head-under-wing instinct, that works well. (Have to ask, though - 'Bird Jesus'? Um, he's a Pokemon, I'd expect him to invoke one of the various deities they have rather than making a strange semi-reference). It shows us Falchion's character, and Rasheeda's - which matches her character in the control, so points there! - and while I'm not sure it technically fits the prompt description (she seems to be correct in her accusation), we're not actually here to make you jump through hoops. Unless it's funny.
The badfic: Um... that's long. Are you sure you want to do that as your first mission? For comparison, my first mission was a fairly short, fairly benign story. It lets you ease into writing the agents, lets us as readers get to know them in a fairly calm environment, leaves you room for escalation later - and means later missions aren't an anticlimax. I would really recommend you take something shorter, milder, and less personal to start with - something that you can dissect as a story, rather than using its authorship as your plot driver.
But ultimately, it's up to you, because unless anyone has a serious objection, I'm going to say Permission Granted. Have fun!
hS
*INCOHERENT ARMOR BIRD SCREECHING* THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHAAAAAAANKYOOOOOOOUUUUU~ 8'DDDDD
*Ahem* Erm, please forgive me for taking this long to respond - research and yard work have been eating my time like popcorn as of late. As compensation, I'll now address each Boarder and matter for consideration in turn.
RE: Huinreson
On Falchion's character changes: I actually didn't have Rapture's Redemption in mind when patching up Falchion's character - I was just doing what felt right to me at the time - but holy Arceus, that analogy makes so much sense. Now I'm really tempted to make an homage to the concept of a character becoming balanced as the story progresses - I could start things off with Falchion having a bit of a prideful and fast-talking streak to him, but then he starts seeing things go down the drain and realizes that he really has to start pulling his own weight (and adjusts accordingly). And yeah, 'The Game of the Gods' was a hilariously awesome read.
On 'Sexuality and Kinks': By 'Kinks' I meant 'Fetishes' or 'bizarre sexual preferences or behavior'. It does tie into the 'Sexuality' thing quite a bit because it helps flesh out his sexual profile (i.e. you have a better idea of what he'd want from a romantic partner when things get steamy, wink wink). In the specific case of Falchion and the Galeforces mission, his and his author's fetishes actually DO come up quite a lot, since they're featured quite extensively during a lot of the fic itself.
On the Control Prompt: I actually didn't think about describing things from the Flowers' POV - it would've made a lot of sense, but then again we'd have a bit of a hard time trying to figure out Rasheeda's appearance ourselves. I'm glad I demonstrated the Agents' characters well, though I guess I could go back and fix up the Egyptian deity inconsistency with a bit more reading on Wikipedia. BTW, I would like to know who this deinonychosaur agent is. I'm in a practically permanent dinosaur phase and all, if the fact that I've already taken a liking to Marsha is any indicator...
The Accident is indeed a Noodle Incident, of sorts, though I may end up writing a "flashback mission" in the future, with one of the witnesses describing everything that happened to her current partner.
On the Random Prompt: Bird Jesus is a reference to that completely awesome Pidgeot from Twitch Plays Pokemon Red, which I'm sure Falchion must've done some reading upon while he was recuperating at Medical and FicPsych. By the same token, Zapdos was another Pokemon used in that particular phenomenon, though I guess it would make sense for him to refer to it as a deity regardless due to it being one of the Legendary Birds of Kanto.
This scene actually is intended to be part of the Galeforces mission, and I'm sticking to it as my first because I feel that Falchion needs to sort out his identity and all those false memories he has before he can get involved in anything truly nasty. Oddly enough, I was informed by one of my betas that Rasheeda's logic was a actually bit faulty in her accusation, since Falchion isn't technically me (just my PPC persona). On the other hand, she WOULD have been correct if she had pegged him for being the persona of the fic's author, so make of it as you will. ;)
RE: Desdendelle - On Rasheeda's name
I'll have to look up who suggested "bint Giza" ("bint" actually does mean "daughter of" in Nasab Arabic) but yeah, I was actually thinking of referring to her as being a descendant of someone named Giza. Of course, Al-Gizawi or Hor-em-akhet could work better for her if you want to go with more traditional Arabic or Egyptian, and maybe even Abu Alhul because of the look others would probably get if she is brought up (and don't get me started on how Sues would react in her presence either).
Y'know what, though, with all this talk about her surname, I'm probably going to cave at this point and just use an Egyptian name system for her fairly soon. I'll use bint Giza as a placeholder surname for now, but maybe I could devote the naming issue to a separate thread like Neshomeh did for Gall.
RE: Everybody who sent me cake - Thanks, guys! Kudos for wishing me luck on my first mission - and it looks like I've got quite a bit to add to Falchion's pile of Leftovers! :D
Hey, at least you can write coherent characters within the framework of the PPC universe.(every time I tried to write for the PPC it always fails. always,)
... is Agent Trask, who belongs to Sevenswans, and I'm not sure has ever appeared in a story. Well, uh, technically he has, but fortunately there's a Creativity Shield around that site.
(And yes, everyone, I know it's September; give me a week or two)
hS
"... a second CRUNCH as the it drove her into a small crater."
Something’s wrong with this sentence. It’s probably meant to be either "the bird" or "it".
HG, looking forward to reading your missions.
Change her name, that is.
The problem is, you're very unlikely to be able to justify keeping her Rosetta name. The Arabic Rashid is apparently from the Coptic (late Egyptian) Trashit - and originally, it was called Khito.
And... well, do you know how Egyptian names work? I certainly don't! '-mose' appears to be 'son of', but I don't know of a 'daughter' ending.
One possibility would be to coin her an Egyptian first name, and an Arabic surname. So, to keep the link with the Sphinx, she could be Mafemakhet, 'Mafdet of the Horizon' - or maybe Mafemkhito? I have no idea whether the language works that way. Then you could surname her al-Rashid, 'of Rosetta', and still juuuust about call her 'Rasheeda' in common use.
Actually, one more name suggestion - 'Tut' is 'image'. So something as simple as Tutmafdet, 'Image of Mafdet', could work. And I may be wrong, but I think '-titi' is 'has come' - so Mafdetiti (a la Nefertiti) is a pretty scary thought.
hS
But I have one problem with Rasheeda: her last name. From what I know about Arab, Arab-like and Egyptian names, there are next to no "Bint this-and-that" names. There are "Ibn/Bin something-or-the-other" names - quite a lot of them, in fact - but they are "this guy's son" and not "comes from this place" - "comes from this place" names are of the "Al-place-i" form, like Al-Misri (Egypt) or Al-Baghdadi (Baghdad, obviously). There are also "Abu-" (father of) and "Um-" (mother of) names - Abu-Bakr, Um-Culthum, etc - which can also denote certain features ("Abu Alhureira" = "Father of a cat" = "Steps-softly") or be used as noms de guerre ("Abu Alwalid" = "father of the child", Khaled Mash'al's nom de guerre).
"Bint Giza", as a surname, simply does not fit into any of those categories. Of course, if you were aiming for something other than an Arabic name, disregard the above.
... that she identified herself by it as the daughter of the Sphinx at Giza - possibly mythologically, rather than strictly literally.
Also, I believe she was originally 'bin Giza', but someone told him 'daughter of' should be 'bint' instead... you've provided a 'son', 'father', and 'mother' version, so is there a 'daughter' term?
hS
The daughter term is "Bint", but it simply isn't used much. I've mostly heard about "Um-" names when talking about daughters. I think that the correct name (with the reference to Giza) would be "Algizawi". Of course, the sphinx has no connection to Arab culture; the Ancient Egyptians weren't Arabs. Wikipedia suggests "Hor-em-akhet" as the Sphinx's Ancient Egyptian name (its current name is, apparently, Abu Alhul - The Terrifying One). That might be a better thing to work off from.
Also, here's a box of chocolate cupcakes!
*throws cakefetti*
Good luck on your first Mission, and don't let the bad writing get to you!
Congrats, SkarmorySilver!
-Phobos