Subject: \o/
Author:
Posted on: 2016-07-16 20:36:00 UTC
Thanks for bringing me along, too.
Subject: \o/
Author:
Posted on: 2016-07-16 20:36:00 UTC
Thanks for bringing me along, too.
Our heroes stop a flagrant and unnecessarily violent Stu from derailing one of my favorite magical girl anime.
Also, because this sort of thing bears repeating, TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENCE AGAINST AN ANIMAL. I hope I never have to include one of those ever again. *knocks wood*
I'll make the necessary barrage of Wiki edits when I'm more conscious. :P Questions? Comments?
I went into this having no idea what Tokyo Mew Mew might be. I couldn’t say that I know everything about it now, but I got a sufficient impression to see what’s wrong with the badfic.
While trying to whatch Tokyo Mew Mew, the agents get into a dispute about Sailor Moon.It looks just like real life, although I don’t really understand what they are talking about, not knowing much more about this than I know about Tokyo Mew Mew. And then Ami reminds us that she isn’t human, and a totally unreal Delibird accepts the mission throwing a gift. Yeah, that’s HQ.
When gravity kicked in and Wile E. Coyote was referred, I started to smile, and I never stopped until the assassination. I like your humor.
There are some potential continuity errors:
"That’s not how fire works. At all," said Miguel, catching the falling apostrophe.
But then:
Chris caught the fallen apostrophe and put it in his backpack with the spare periods.
Is this another apostrophe? Where did it come from?
Or did Miguel throw the apostrophe he had cought at Chris so that he could stow it away? Apparently not, because later Miguel threw the apostrope at [the Stu].
Also:
Chris pulled out the first volume and looked at the opening pages.
Later:
“Hey, uh, question: What’s a ‘predasite’?” asked Chris, indicating part of the Words and putting away the first volume so he didn’t drop it in the next scene shift.
Even later:
Chris passed the first volume to Ami, who checked the chapter where Mint showed up.
So he still held it in his hand? Or when did he pull it out again? And what does he need Ami for? Last time we watched Chris was perfectly able to check it himself.
And:
“Not for long, you’re not, “ Ami grumbled. She kicked the mini-Stu that appeared into both the other mini-Stu’s body and a back wall of the café.
She kicked "otaci" into whom’s body? Is "ostachui" (or his corpse?) still around after the scene change? I thought "ichiog" and "inchigo" had killed him at "the beach boardwalk amusement park". (This may actually be the body of "itachi", spawned on the roller coaster, but apparently you didn’t notice "itachi" until he respawned at the audition.)
(Who is Kiki? Pudding’s name from the dub, misspelled? Figuring this out took me a while.)
Taking over the fic and telling the confrontation with the agents from the canons’ POV is not seen often and may actually be the first time; if done, it’s usually the Suvian’s POV. It works really well here, as does resetting canon by singing the theme song.
Ah well, the assassination. It put me off. It looked too much like torture for my taste. When I found the scene in the Floating Hyacinth’s office at the end, I expected for a moment that she was going to call them out for that.
HG
These are good points, and I'm surprised I or my betas didn't catch them.
"Chris caught the fallen apostrophe and put it in his backpack with the spare periods.
Is this another apostrophe? Where did it come from?"
That was a leftover from an earlier version, whoops. Lesson learned: Don't publish stuff after midnight. :/
Yup, Kiki's name is a misspelling of Pudding's dub name, Kikki Benjamin. The others are worse.
ostachui was supposed to be the "other mini-Stu" Ami kicked otaci into, yes. The Ichigo minis seem to have gotten him pretty good, so I retconned his corpse out of existence.
itachi appears in the roller coaster scene? Huh. I didn't notice. What's the technical term for your brain automatically correcting minor typos so you can read stuff?
Yeah...the assassination scene does come across kinda torture-y. Damn Stu grimdarkness rubbing off on me. I've fixed it so the minis kill him quicker.
...I found myself a little put off by the killing as well. Hm. Maybe you could reword it so that the Stu is killed instantly and the minis eat his body without him kicking and screaming, and without excessive description? I mean, I'm not averse to gore but I know some people who are, so...
Thanks for bringing me along, too.
Thanks for bringing me in as a beta! And good gods, even if I don't know this continuum I could tell this fic was horrible. Well done sporking it! :)