First off, I'd have to agree with HG about the balance between the badfic and the mission. There were multiple points where I wasn't sure what your agents were talking about—September being surprised by "the Excaliber blade," the incense being an aphrodisiac—because you didn't show the actual badfic text.

The mission itself also feels very mechanical. Neither agent did or said very much that distinguished them from each other. I feel like you could have switched their names around and the story wouldn't have been all that different. I feel like you missed some good potential moments for characterization by telling rather than showing. The line "September knew that they weren't allowed to drink on duty, but also knew that Synthale's effects could be dismissed easily." is fairly dull on its own. You could have written a much larger scene here that could have allowed both agents to shine.

A few technical things to note:
— There are extra paragraph spaces around the seventh paragraph on the first page (the one that starts "Kelly sighed…").
—It should be "coming to," not "coming-to" on the final page.
— This is more a subjective technical note, but single-sentence paragraphs should only be used for either dialogue or as a means of emphasizing lines. The second paragraph on the first page fits neither category and could easily be merged with the following paragraph. Or you could throw in a line of dialogue; as simple as September saying "What's up?" or similar.

There's a great deal of potential here. You could do so much with these two provided you put in the time and the effort. Maybe try writing some interludes focusing on both agents and their interactions. I've always found that to be a good way to find out who characters are and what they're like.

Best of luck with your next mission.

PC

I didn’t cringe and flail about obviously missed opportunities, and the agents didn’t look like talking heads (does that count as two instances of praise?), so that’s certainly some progress from the previous mission.

Alas, I felt like the mission doesn’t give me a good representation of the badfic. It’s hard to find the right mixture of quotes, recap, and showing the agents’ reactions to events, and since I never actually tried to do it myself, I can’t give good advice on this. Does the badfic ripp off an actual Star Trek episode I should be familiar with? That might explain why some sentences seem still to be incomprehensible even after I read the badfic, specifically:

"The incense is an aphrodisiac, (how does September know this) and I guess it was supposed to be an accident, (in the canon episode?) but then she admitted that she's 'known to screw around with everyone's mind.'"

"Picard wouldn't have that much trouble staying in control around a beautiful woman, not when Riker's just flirting."
Why is this brought up while the agents are in a part of the badfic where Picard and Riker aren’t even mentioned? And looking further up both in the mission and the badfic, I still don’t see to what this may refer.

Technical errors:

In the title, An elf in Star Trek, "Elf" should be capitalized (and in the previous mission’s title, An Elf In Narnia, "in" should probably not be capitalized.

September whispered. "The incense is an aphrodisiac ..."
Don’t English punctuation rules say that the period after "whispered" should be a comma?

Kim set the RA for a couple hours ahead.
Who is Kim? Did you mean Kelly?

HG

... considering that I already did two reviews in a row.

So, for now I’ll only say:

• The wiki has been updated.
  
• I’m taking back the "I’m afraid" from the end of my last review.

First up, I'm going to admit that I haven't opened the doc up yet, but I think a couple of things need to be said before I do.

Right, 'I didn't manage to find a beta...' You put up a post asking for a beta for this mission on the 2nd June, and then haven't really mentioned it since, alright I'll agree that no-one said they'd definitely beta this for you then, but you could have asked again at some other time for people to beta it, like you did with the Harry Potter/Dollhouse mission. Instead there's one post mentioning it over a month ago and after one failed try it's 'I didn't manage to find a beta'. Hell, if you'd emailed me about it I would have been willing to beta it for you, Star Trek may not be my forte but I know enough about it to be able to beta a mission in it (so long as its not DS9) and I'd have been willing to look over it if you'd needed someone to. I always find that the best thing to do if you don't have something is ask, ask and ask again, there are a couple of tutors at my old uni who I swear would be happy if they didn't see another email from me again because of the amount of times I pestered them with questions about how to do certain bits of maths.

Secondly, it's always good to see mission's popping up on the board, but I think it may not be a bad idea for you to slow down just a bit. I don't mean this in any rude way, but I think that slowing down the speed you're writing missions at would perhaps help, I understand that people write at different speeds and I'm quite happy to plod along quite slowly, but taking a breather isn't a bad thing, I always find I spot more of my own mistakes if I take breaks between me writing something and me reading it through, sometimes those breaks last a couple of days, sometimes they're a few hours, but by taking those breaks I find that when I come back to the piece of writing I'm able to give it a more critical eye and spot more errors than if I'm reading it through almost immediately after writing it.

Once again, I don't mean to be rude, or for anything to be taken the wrong way, but personally I feel that these things need to be said. If you want to call me out of either of these points, or want me to explain anything that I've said I'm happy to do so either on the board on by email (ig you can't find my email it should be linked at the top)

Storme Hawk