Er, who are you? (nm)

Unfortunately it’s not too short in the good, I-wanna-read-more way. I feel disappointed because I didn’t get what I expected.

It starts so good, with a subversion of the narrative laws of comedy, but then the first paragraph already ends in a small anti-climax. She capped her marker. Really? That’s all? No relief? No fear of the Ironic Overpower soon making something worse happen to even out the good luck? Is September even aware that she barely escaped destruction of what may have been the work of hours? Does she just take it for granted, because she feels entitled to be treated in a special way? I can’t even say that September is out of character here because there is no character; it looks more like a paint-by-number robot. (It there were a who-are-you-and-what-did-you-do-to- September moment later, I would praise you for subtle foreshadowing.)

Kelly had been reading ... and then immediately ... hit the acknowledge button. So, did she use the console’s screen to read an e-book? Did she read a physical book, sitting on a chair in front of the console? Why? Is this the only place where she can sit while September occupies the other chair at the table? This is the second time the agents leave the RC to go on a mission, and I still have no mental image of the RC. For the second time, I got the impression that you try to show some of the agents’ life outside of missions – which is a good thing – but then are too impatient to really show it and just want to get into the mission already.

But this time, the problems carry on into the mission that doesn’t feel much like a PPC mission. Kelly and September don’t show any reaction to being dragged out of their comfortable movie-watching chairs again and again (do they even have easy chairs and a wide-screen TV to watch the movie?); they just go in, allegedly watch what happens not ever interacting with the fic, come back and talk about what they watched. They could just as well sit in the RC, read the words and MST the thing.

Maybe the fic just isn’t suitable for a PPC-style mission. I sincerely doubt that it’s suitable for the mission format you chose. True, there are great chunks of story just plagiarized from the movie. But apparently there are also chunks of story where the OC acts on her own, and the agents never get to see them, neither in the movie (obviously) nor going into this parts of the fic. How do they know that the OC is redeemable if they didn’t actually watch her closely? How can I know that the agents are right about the OC being redeemable if I don’t want to read the fic myself?

“They'll be fine without you. Peter's going to get hurt if you don't leave now,” September said.
Now that’s something that works for me. The agents don’t always need brute force, and Kaya’s reaction, putting her duty of protecting the Pevensies above a selfish need to act out her story, clearly shows that the agents are right. (I just wish I could see that this is based on how Kaya acted off-page.)

Technical Error:
“But he is in the movie, and I don't want to take Peter to Medical if I don't have to.” Kelly said as she grabbed her gun.
Since Kelly said ... continues the sentence that started with what Kelly said, the period before this should be a comma.

There is one other point I need to address. I’m not a Narnia expert, but from an (admittedly superficial) internet search I got the impression that elves in Narnia are more fanon than canon. How does it turn out that there are elves living in the High Forest of Narnia? Would sending Kaya back really be a good idea?

I’m sorry that this sounds so harsh, and I want to finish with the last words September wrote: Keep writing. I guess you got the right ideas. Just take the time to flesh them out. (What? There’s another one up already? I’m afraid.)

HG