I immediately liked that you started this with a general impression of PPC HQ, especially the orc and elf talking.
But then, the first paragraphs are a bit disjointed. You may want to work on your transitions, like writing "Amidst this, Kelly and September walked back to their RC ...", then what they had for lunch, and then having them hear the console beep when they arrive at the RC.
Kelly appears to be the more experienced agent, mentoring September. It’s good to see this early in the story. Again, execution is a bit sloppy. "She [Kelly] grabbed the mission bag ..." and then "September grabbed the mission bag" is a bit too repetitive for my taste.
I became momentarily afraid of being infected with As Disease, although it’s not a bad case. Just watch for repetitions and remember that "while" may work just as well.
Also, since I actually looked into the badfic (I usually don’t), I noticed a problem that may be more prevalent then I’m aware: thoughtless use of standard mission elements. I’m quite sure that "booming" author notes were originally mocking the habit of setting them in bold type. Since the author notes look more decent here, there is no reason for them to boom. Mocking their length and wording might have been more appropriate.
Although your repeated mocking of the horizontal line is funny, I don’t actually see why you mock it. It’s the standard section divider / scene break marker, and much better than the weird dividers we often see. What else do you think should be there?
September is more knowledgeable about Dollhouse than Kelly, who may not know it at all. Again, it’s good to see this rather than being told.
Getting further into the mission, I ran into a personal problem. Apparently there wasn’t much Harry Potter, I don’t know anything about The Dollhouse, and I didn’t feel like reading the whole badfic to get more of what was going on. As far as I can tell, it’s a solid mission, but not over-exciting.
Technical Errors:
It took me three rereads of the sentence to realize that Topher and Dr. Saunders did live in their House, but he chose to [?] for some reason and made Saunders phobic of everything so she would too doesn’t actually miss a word or more, but refers to what was talked about in the previous paragraph: sleeping at work rather than live in their house. But that may be only me, and it may be justified by people just talking like this.
The neuralizer (two occurrences) and the neurolyzer are actually the "neuralyzer", and the agents "neuralyzed" (not neuralized, two occurrences) the canon characters.
Titles, like Harry Potter or The Dollhouse, should always be italicized, even in dialogue (although one might wonder how the agents pronounce the italics).
Harry Potter canon (I don’t remember whether you might know this and just pretend that your agents don’t):
Hermione had a handbag that is bigger on the inside, containing a tent and lots of books and other stuff. Harry having a similar pouch to wear around the neck may be plausible, but having it look like a trunk, calling it a miniature trunk and wearing that around the neck sounds ridiculous.
A great concentration of magical energy, like at Hogwarts, where many wizards cast many spells every day, and lots of objects are enchanted, may render electric/electronic devices useless, while technology like clockworks or crossbows are not affected. Unlike in some other continua, the presence of a single witch who doesn’t even cast a spell shouldn’t mess with technology, especially when it is sufficiently undefined sci-fi technology that might not even use electricity.
I like that September tries to send concrit to the author. It may be a bit late in this case, but apparently she is still around updating other stories.
HG