Subject: Well, they weren't in the blast radius.
Author:
Posted on: 2016-05-20 15:01:00 UTC
He was also going to get 12 from the A/V Division until one of the really big rockets landed in the storage cupboard and blew up the biscuit tin.
After watching past Eurovision Grand Finales as commentated upon by Graham Norton (though I have to say 2016 was friggin entertaining this year between the new voting system and the hilarious interval acts by the hosts) I had this strange idea:
If, in order to boost morale or something, the Flowers were to host HQvision where all the departments compete against one another, what sort of entries would we be seeing? And more importantly, which departments would give 12 points to each other?
One imagines that there's a version of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue in Headquarters, possibly hosted by a canon replacement of Humphrey Lyttelton. American agents listening in are simply very, very confused.
Usually by Mornington Crescent.
I deliberately didn't talk about WhatThe, given the presence of HQ's perkiest German...
hS
To expand, he was only allowed to enter once. Apparently, there are acceptable ways of "livening up" a solo sousaphone performance of the 1812 Overture; flags, costumes, a silly hat or two (but not three). You will notice that there are some things missing from this list. Just by way of example, hiding an entire fireworks display in one's brass instrument rigged to fire at dramatically appropriate moments during the piece is not considered acceptable, and indeed received nul points from absolutely everyone caught in the blast radius.
And Agent Takua says "are we allowed to add a thirteenth point?".
hS
He was also going to get 12 from the A/V Division until one of the really big rockets landed in the storage cupboard and blew up the biscuit tin.
Yes, he's retired, but that doesn't stop him crashing in and overruling the DOGA pick. Agent Huinesoron is getting quite ticked off.
He plays the harp. Every year. I mean, he plays it very well, but it's starting to get on everyone's nerves.
-The DOOCH are in it, of course; this year they're bringing the Buds and Sprouts to form a Children's Choir. Unfortunately Maly and Dagger aren't very good at teaching singing, so the quality is... lacking. But everyone gives them a couple of points just to be nice.
-The DoDAEG is represented entirely by CAL-9000. His 'song' consists of standing on stage complaining until he gets kicked off, then he gives null point to everyone on principle.
-The DCPS is a bit bonkers; their songs tend towards the flamboyant, with occasional pressganged canon characters in the mix. (Some members of) FicPsych are arguing that they should be allowed to give negative points to penalise them for abusing the canons.
-The Department of Transdimensional Snatching and the Department of Transdimensional Hopping have somehow managed to become separate teams, despite "currently and temporarily" (according to the Hopping team) being folded together as Despatch. They always give each other 12 points. Sometimes they even send the same agents to sing.
-The Department of Redundancy Department is forbidden from participating, ever since they took an entire evening to introduce their team. It was a rough year.
-Nutmeg TV of course broadcasts the whole thing. And it is glorious.
hS
The problem is, I don't think her singing is actually up to the job...
Coming as an American who's followed the contest intermittently since 2009 (thanks Alexander Rybak) I can't say I know every last nuance of the thing but:
Eurovision is an annual contest held by the European Broadcasting Union, hosted in the country that has won the last year's contest. The weird thing about Eurovision these recent years is that Australia has been competing as well (but then the countries Israel and Turkey have also done so sooooo).
Basically each country participating that year sends a song and in a series of two semifinals they find twenty songs to send to the grand final. The winning country from last year automatically qualifies for the grand final the next year, as well as the countries of the "Big Five", which are Germany, UK, France, Spain, and Italy. These six are added onto the twenty from the semifinal.
The Grand Final has two parts, the first being all twenty six countries singing their songs. Then all of the participating (even if they don't make it to the final) countries vote on their favourites. It used to be that the televoting (popular) vote was combined with the votes from the professional juries on a scale of 1-12, but this year they rolled out a new system where the professional juries and the popular votes are counted, presented, and weighed separately.
However, Eurovision is known to be a glitter-filled camp-fest of songs that are usually kinda terrible, combined with unforgettably wacky performances (such as Ukraine's in 2007, Finland's in 2006, Poland's in 2014, Russia's in 2012, that one time Ireland sent a turkey puppet as an act, etc). The other well-known aspect of Eurovision is how politicised the voting tends to get (until maybe now with the new voting system?). Neighbouring countries vote for each other, Russia tends to get votes from former Soviet satellite states, the UK gives Ireland points but Ireland doesn't give UK points -- basically it's Europe's new way of airing grievances instead of going to war, and it is endlessly entertaining.
I was just wondering what the HQ equivalent would look like, because I'd be entertained by the thought of Bad Slash sending Luxury every year.