Subject: Great work!
Author:
Posted on: 2016-05-12 09:15:00 UTC
Having a LOTR Sue really brings back memories. :)
I liked your agents and their banter a lot. Really funny and endearing.
And the epic boss fight at the end was very well written. Both funny and exciting.
One minor error, the two paragraphs starting with "The Sue struggled to her feet, and the agents let her" appear twice.
Agents Alleb and Jesse debut in: Kill It With Fire! Special thanks to Scape, Silent, Scarm (the S!brigade!) and Matt Cipher for being my betas!
And now for something totally random. Here's a short story I listened to earlier and enjoyed immensely.
-Alleb
A few errors:
After pushing Frodo “gently” against a wall (why, the agents didn’t know) the Sue and an OOC Aragorn took them both up to Aragorn’s room.
Whom did Aragorn and the Sue take?
The next chapter began with a time skip, combining the effects of both
Combining the effects of both of what?
She wasn’t moving: She’d hit her head when she fell.
That word after the colon should be lowercase. I'd also suggest that the colon be replaced with a semicolon, but that's just a suggestion.
Especially with the colon--I couldn't figure out the rule for the life of me. I'll correct those. I'm not sure what to do with the second one, though; a new chapter beginning, as per the wiki, feels something like a time skip, but I'm not sure how to better phrase the sentence.
-Alleb
There doesn't seem to be a character page for these guys, why would one be holding a spoon in their mouth to chop onions?
It makes me want to create a barbarian or team that are unfamiliar with modern technology.
I just haven't gotten around to the pages yet. I'm... not good with doing stuff in a timely fashion. Which reminds me, I still need to make agent pages for Michael and Mia...
It's a pretty fun dynamic. Most of my favorite universes are fantasy, so I'm guessing that the majority of my agents won't know what to do with modern tech.
-Alleb
Gases condense on cold stuff, right? That's why bathroom mirrors fog up when you're having a shower. Onions make you cry because they release gases that irritate the eyes, so you grab a metal teaspoon and hold it between your teeth. The gases collect and condense on the underside and you don't cry.
This genuinely works. I've tried it. =]
I enjoyed it, especially the raw bacon metaphor.
Bacon gets overplayed a lot in jokes and whatnot, so thank the Lord that you focussed on it's slipperiness rather than it's LOLOMG!BACON!-ness.
I also ought to say, I love Jesse's 'I get names wrong' thing. My style of humour.
This fanfic must have been boring as Hell to write, I must note. Good heavens.
Ha, I'm glad you liked the bacon joke. I took inspiration from this post, which I'd always found hilarious.
Good heavens is right. As soon as I saw this thing, I knew I had to spork it. I actually compiled a physical charge list for it to help me keep track of everything--I got a page and a half, and the first side had double columns. And I didn't even get to the third chapter.
-Alleb
Having a LOTR Sue really brings back memories. :)
I liked your agents and their banter a lot. Really funny and endearing.
And the epic boss fight at the end was very well written. Both funny and exciting.
One minor error, the two paragraphs starting with "The Sue struggled to her feet, and the agents let her" appear twice.
I really enjoyed writing both the banter and the fight. Hopefully I'll have another mission out soon, without my previous year of hiatus.
Oh, thank you! I'll correct that.
-Alleb
The Sleep Mellon, would it be okay to use it in stories by having agents spot it around HQ and possibly interact with? With proper acknowledgement of course.
Feel free to do so whenever you want. I think I'll put the Sleep Mellon under free-to-use characters.
-Alleb
