Subject: Perhaps some bleepka to calm you down, Inquisitor?
Author:
Posted on: 2013-01-03 10:15:00 UTC
I'm trying to run a clean this-topic-only veteran sue-killer's tavern, here. I am NOT replacing skulls and sweeping up bolter shells.
And I still proclaim that to be the best use of interdimensional pockets ever.
So, a few threads down, folks got to discussing some of the more... flashy ways that they've killed a sue, either in a story of their own or as a PPC mission.
So: What stories, of your own or in the PPC, have you sporked where the sue was... er... worse than dead?
I'll post an example: A long time ago, I wrote a character who could control the fabrics of space and time. She turned out to be terrible, so I later wrote a self-spork where, much to the chargin of that particular character, an otherworldly assassin who travelled through ripples in the fabrics of reality (we'll call him Derek) appeared and challenged her to a fight.
End result: reality-warper assassin jumped through a time attack that called forth past and future clones of the sue, and used his sudden super speed (because the time attack slowed down the world to allow the clones to pop up seemingly instantaneously) to kill all the clones while they weren't expecting it, and then when the attack finished, the sue was too confused to see the assassin's hands grab her neck and snap it.
After that, he disappeared into nothingness and has since not appeared again.
As Lily put it earlier: LET US SHARE WAR STORIES.
Minus the destroying of tables with bleepka mugs, of course. Unless that's your thing.
I wanna' try something. Play along, yeah?
---
SC whistled quietly as he rag-dried the mugs, glasses, kegs and mason jars of his tavern. His customers were of the wackier nature, and so he had to accommodate for such.
The night was mostly quiet, save for a few folks who had wandered in and started talking, disturbingly, about methods of killing people they found particularly... well, colorful.
SC tried to pay it no mind, but gradually began thinking back to his chance encounter with that strange assassin who had helped him destroy one of his particularly bad stories.
SC recalled it all as though it was yesterday - because it was; 10:30 A.M., to be exact.
---
"So, you came from some otherwordly abyss, to...?" SC asked, standing atop the ash pile that was once a fire-breathing Sue.
"I come to undo the sins of your mind," the assassin - SC decided to call him Derek - said.
"Ah. So, you're helping me dismantle this joint, then," SC said, adjusting his glasses. "So, who do you plan to hit?"
Derek pointed to his right.
SC locked eyes with Luna, the Time Controller.
---
Strangely, SC couldn't remember anything past that, but when he recovered, there were several very dead Luna clones.
SC looked up at the sound of feral screaming.
"Hey! Mind the mess! I'm not repairing any tables!" he called to the ladies at the table near the left side of the bar. From the looks of it, they might have had a few drinks of bleepka beforehand.
((Okay, not my best opener, but I don't know each of your characters, so you guys'll have to fill in my blanks for me.))
Slowly the teen made her way through the steadily-growing crowd, towing along with her a badly-scarred blood elf who looked to be deathly white and suffering from a bad case of the shakes.
Caroline elbowed a person or two aside, then made her partner sit next to her at the bar before turning to SC and saying, "Veralyn needs lots and lots of booze. And I'll take a spiced chai tea, if you've got the stuff for it."
Aneis flew back downstairs and lighted on Caroline's shoulders happily.
SC, meanwhile, looked in horror at Veralyn. "What the hell have you two been DOING at the PPC?!" he demanded as he hurried to fetch the drinks.
Aneis covered her ears so as to block out SC's vulgarity, though her adoptive father Simon proved to be far worse when he was mad. By this point, she was fairly used to it.
"And who are you?" the teenager asked cheerfully. "Awful cute, aren't you?"
Veralyn eyed the girl warily, still shaking like a leaf and seeming too shell-shocked to form coherent words. She flinched when SC set her first mug of alcoholic oblivion down in front of her, and then chugged the drink down as though it were the first thing she'd had to drink in a solid week.
"'Nother," she gasped when she finally set it down. "Gimme another."
"Veralyn had to go through the No-Drool Tapes," Caroline explained at SC's worried glance. "She snagged a lock of Lor'themar Theron's hair on our last mission, and the Sunflower wasn't too happy when he found out."
Veralyn shuddered and muttered something about speedos before going at her second mug of... whatever the incredibly unrefined swill was that SC kept supplying her with. She didn't care. She just needed to pass out drunk for a good ten hours, and she needed to do it now.
"That's Aneis. Her adoptive father went and KO'd himself with Krogan Ryncol. I warned him that eating a grenade would hurt less, but why would he ever listen to me, right?" SC looked at Veralyn as she downed another keg. "Didn't take you for a fan of Orcish Brew."
"Don't care what it is," she gasped, seeming a bit winded from chugging so much. "Gimme everything. Anything you've got."
"Ver, there's such a thing as alcohol poisoning," Caroline sighed before taking a sip of her magically-appearing chai. "If you overdo it, I am not dragging you all the way back to our RC. I'll douse you with ice water and risk instant death first."
"Thought I could taste Barrens dirt," Veralyn grumbled as she started on her fourth mug. "They sprinkle a bit in every barrel, I swear..."
SC briefly wondered if blood elves could get drunk, but then remembered Simon's jab at the Angelborn - "It takes the destruction of an entire ecosystem, but those sonsab*tches eventually stop holding their liquor."
SC shook his head and continued siphoning booze into the blood elf.
as a tall elf with incredibly fern like ears and trimmed black hair stubbed his toe on the bar stool. Glaring around to check if anyone had noticed, he sat down, then rapped on the bar to get the attention of the bar tender.
(Um, I don't have Permission, so any Sues killed are made up on the spot.)
A figure slunk out from a stand of trees. Ducking under the glowing window of the tavern, it crawled a few inches before standing up. A long bony arm slid from the tattered sleeve of the cloak. It looked down at a cracked, and dented watch that adornded the being's gaunt wrist. The thing swore softly, then sat down against a beer colored wooden wall. The safest time to enter a tavern is when the people(or other creatures.)inside are to drunk to see a stranger clearly. That would take another hour. Leaning sullenly against a wall, the thing decided it could wait.
(Any Sues killed are false, I don't have permission yet.)
SC could have sworn he felt a chill run up his spine. Although, he knew for certain that something had just landed on his head.
In his off-time, SC had managed to make it so that Simon Bellamay III, demon-slaying legend-in-the-flesh, could get out of the Sanctuary and help at the Tavern. Of course, he typically brought somebody with him for assistance.
This time, he had brought his adopted Angelborn daughter, Aneis.
SC looked up at the five-year-old (who had been five years old since Simon was born) and grinned, thus eliciting a happy flutter of little wings.
((I couldn't help it. Aneis is an adorable character.))
Eagrus approached the bar, Cyba, Sigma and Phi in tow.
"Hello," he greeted SC. "I'll have something from my home continuum - whatever would be best to help an agent de-stress after a particularly bad mission. Oh, and three coffees for Cyba, Sigma and Phi, please." He rummaged around under his armour and produced a handful of coins originating from several different fantasy continua. Leaning in closer, he lowered his voice and continued: "Don't mind my companions; so long as they don't notice anything red, electric blue or purple, they should be fine. Oh, and - er - why is there an angel on your head?"
((Ho-ho! So people DID catch on to Aneis!))
"Don't mind little missy, there. She's just a curious little bird. She's an Angelborn - they look like angels, but have more in common with birds, and age super slowly. Once every twenty human years, if I'm right," SC replied.
Aneis made a pouty face at being called a "curious bird," and flew off up the stairs to Simon's room, where Simon was trying to sleep off foolishly imbibing Krogan booze. Thankfully, Simon being shielded by the Angel of the Evening Star protected against the fatality of the drink, but not the head-splitting drunken stupor it brought on.
"Oops. I think I pissed her off," SC said. He took the cash and set it with his book for further study, and passed the drinks out as requested.
"Awww, you upset her," moaned Phi, the least 'modded' of the three women.
"She's not a mini, you know," Eagrus reminded her. "Even if she were, I would question your wisdom given the nature of the two minis you currently have." He scratched the back of his hand subconsciously, causing a scrape of his gauntlets. Eagrus did not like Phi's minis. "Those creatures you keep in your RC, Phi - you should have done the same to them as you did to the 'Stu that spawned them."
Phi drew herself up, preparing to launch into a tirade in her minis' defence, but the coat-wearing Cyba cut in to diffuse the situation.
"It's just nice to meet someone who isn't scared out of their wits of us," said Cyba, and Sigma - the one with the webbing - nodded her agreement.
Phi swallowed what she had been going to say and made do with tossing her head. Unfortunately, she forgot about the cables she had for hair, which whipped around and promptly hit Sigma's plating.
"Hey, do you mind? I only just polished that!" complained Sigma.
"Ah-HEM!" went Cyba.
"You were going to see if you could process coffee?" Eagrus reminded them. Then he pondered his own drink, remembering he disliked removing his helmet in public. He turned to SC. "Thank you for the drinks," he said, "but please may I have a straw?"
Cyba, Sigma and Phi, who had been hoping to see Eagrus helmetless, all looked very disappointed.
He remembered several occasions where an OC of his was dead-set against doing what people were hoping to see, and this was an odd bit of nostalgia for him.
Reaching under the bar, SC produced a blue (or "bloo", according to Contacts' bullsh*t spelling) bendy straw for Eagrus.
Attempting to draw himself away from laughing at them, SC said, "Well, I adopt some odd minis myself. My most recent is a miniature car called Mouswisker."
SC motioned at the miniature buggy gently bumping his arm.
"He's kinda protective."
"Well, Cyba has a couple of mini-Colossi," said Eagrus, taking the straw gratefully, "but they mainly just prank you."
Cyba scowled. "Like hacking your alcove while you're trying to regenerate and swapping which body your minds are in," she muttered crossly.
Eagrus snickered, and Zouh the mini-Hun poked his head out from under the trailing fabric of Eagrus' helm to see what the fuss was about.
"Oh yes, and this is Zouh," Eagrus introduced him. "He's rather useful; we watch each other's backs. Now, there are two problems with Phi's minis: one, they're mini-Stus, and two, they're Borg... properly."
"What he means to say is that one of them stung him - not that they're powerful enough to do much - but it made Eagrus even more paranoid than he is usually," expanded Phi. "Of course, that side of them cancels out the 'Stu part nicely - well, with a bit of training - but Eagrus has this whole thing about tech and..."
"And I am trying to forget about the mission we just acquired them from," said Eagrus pointedly.
"Hey, it spawned us too!" put in Sigma and Phi.
"Yes, Cyba raised to the power of three, but driving me at least ten times as crazy," muttered Eagrus.
"Yeah, but Eagrus, you have to admit that we did a good job with that 'Stu," said Cyba.
"And then there was what came after," mumbled Eagrus, before resignedly downing his drink as fast as he could to numb the tale that was probably coming.
Privately, he had the distinct feeling that the story would be somewhat similar to how Monocle the Eldric War-Prince came to be with the Specs and Co, but he waited patiently nonetheless.
"No, I'm not talking about it any further," declared Eagrus. "I'm trying my best to forget."
"He's interested now," pointed out Phi. "It wouldn't do to disappoint him and not continue."
"I'm not revisiting it," said Eagrus stubbornly.
"Then you'd best shut your ears," advised Cyba, and began the tale.
"Eagrus and I work for the Department of Technical Errors, so it's our job to go deal with bad spelling, missing punctuation and ugly grammar. It's mostly been exorcisms since I joined, but we had this Star Trek Gary Stu - you know the drill: best captain ever, gets off with every woman going, single-handedly takes on hoards without getting so much as a scratch - all the usual. Thing is, there was not much as one line of description attributed to him with regard to character or appearance, and he brought with him some really interesting spellings..."
"Borg cubed," snickered Phi and Sigma.
"One of which raised the Borg to the power of three," continued Cyba, "including one of the agents sent to deal with the 'Stu."
"Hence us," said Sigma and Phi cheerfully.
"Unfortunately for him, in his course of sending pretty much every canon character wildly OOC and thrashing every 'bad guy' he came across, I noticed a little something about his powers - immunity to weapon fire, extreme strength... Well, about the point the list expanded to surviving space without a space-suit, I had this little idea about how to weaken his unbeatable combat skill such that we could finish him."
Sigma and Phi snickered again.
"Let's say that I - er - may have tricked him into thinking he was Borg, such that his plot-warping abilities coupled with no description started - um - actually turning him into one."
"Having a powerful hive mind invading your thoughts can be VERY distracting," pointed out Phi.
"So we managed to pin him down, charge him and throw him into a recycling vat," finished Cyba.
"We figured the Borg didn't deserve a fate worse than death," explained Phi.
"And we pinched his ship," added Sigma. "Still have it, incidently."
"And then canon snapped back into place; Cyba, Sigma and Phi lost control and nearly assimilated me, and THEN I had to fly the flaming space-ship while being chased by very much in character undead villain tech monsters..." ranted Eagrus.
"I thought you weren't going to remember that," mused Sigma.
"He was going to ask sooner or later," Eagrus grumbled. "Might as well get it over with. Just don't remind me in the morning." He produced another couple of coins. "SC, you got any more of these?"
Cyba, Sigma and Phi exchanged glances, then started on their coffee.
"I can definitely say getting punched through a wall by a jumpy as hell Eldric War-Prince hurts a lot less than what you had to go through, although if that motherf***er ever hits me again, I'll unmake him out of existence," SC said. "I do have one of my own, though. A mix of Assassin's Creed and my own tomfoolery.
"So, once upon a two years ago, I decided to write a fanfic. Mistake number one was that I was writing a fanfic, and mistake number two was letting Glasses and Specs - don't mind the names, it's what they call themselves; I have to babysit eight of these guys - help me write it. You know, because two fanbrats of the AC continuum are totally going to stick to the canon, right?
"Well, I get going in the Brotherhood period, when Desmond was beginning to see Animus-ghosts due to the trauma of being forced to live the memories locked in every molecule of his mind. At the time, I had no clue how to comprehend Revelations because AC2 had stuck mainly to Italy, and I pretty well knew the lay of the land by then. So, cue Monteriggioni, pre-you-dun-got-raeped-by-da-Borgias.
"Pretty much, Ezio was doing his usual thing - being completely unmatched both in war and sex. Problem: fricken' Specs had convinced me to make an OC Assassin that "helped" Ezio out. And right like that, Stefanio di Roma was born.
"I guess Specs believed that all white-hooded people were automatic super-badasses, because this guy could match Ezio blow for blow. Of course, all he ever did was counter-attack - fitting for a game-verse AC fic.
"So blah blah blah, Monteriggioni gets screwed over royally by the Borgias, thank you Cesare, and Ezio and Stefanio wake up in Rome. Of course, Rome is pretty accurately portrayed as being down on its luck, but that's about where it ends in terms of the fic being good.
"All of a sudden, Stefanio starts showing up Ezio in everything. Got a new base? Mine now! Your sister and mother run the local strip joint? Nope! Bartolomeo D'Alviano is the mercenary commander? Not in MY Rome! It gets worse and worse until I finally decide enough is enough and go in to end it.
"Well, that's all well and good, but what is Ezio if not a walking tank with a squad of other walking tanks? And, since this is only half my fault, I can only use half my full power, so disguises are in order. I disguise myself as a Borgia sniper - it makes sense because I suck at close quarters. Glass Cannons are like that. We can't take a punch, but Aeldra help you if you find yourself on the wrong end of our weapons.
"Which Stefanio did. It almost seemed too easy to pick him off, despite him being with Ezio, who should have alerted to me the second I aimed my rifle and put a bullet of his own in my skull. But, he didn't, and my shot damn near took Stefanio's head clean off, and with medical assistance being somewhat shoddy in the Renaissance... you get the idea. He died.
"Reality snaps back in then, and all of a sudden holy crap, I'm surrounded by nothing but white hoods! Ezio called in the cavalry on me because I killed a nameless assassin he had never met, but who was still an assassin nonetheless. I had just enough of my powers left to run like hell and get back out to the real world, but man if it didn't wipe me out."
SC drank some water. "Long story short: I don't tamper with the AC continuum anymore."
"Being chased by a swarm of assassins can't have been pleasant," he said.
"Especially when said assassins can free-run," added Cyba. "It can't have been easy to lose them."
((First post explained this one - either permission or no is fine.))
"Evening. Whatcha' need?" SC asked.
"One Firewhiskey and a clean pipette."
Thus were the results of working at a tavern.
causing a tiny yell of annoyance.
"Ellay, wake up," the elf said. "You're normally jumping off the walls at the first sign of humans." He lifted a tiny woman out of his pocket and onto the table.
"Well this time," snapped the borrower, "I'm not sure there are any humans around."
Drustomiel decided not to argue and waved the pipette around, "I ordered Firewhiskey." He used the pipette to fill the tiny cup Ellay produced.
As Simon was still clocked out upstairs, and was very much human - with a certain degree of Angel, but only in desperate situations.
And SC's nigh-godlike powers were very heavily restricted by a complicated set of rules, which he could only break in his own canons, effectively rendering him human.
But, SC figured the borrower wasn't interested in that.
(I don't think borrower senses reach that far.)
Drustomiel rummaged in the opposite pocket to the one Ellay had been in and pulled out a bunch of coins. He put a few on the bar. One was a silver stag from the Song of Ice and Fire continuum, how it got there was a mystery due to it being locked. There were also three knuts and two worn coins of unknown origin.
(Hence: only half right. ;D
What? No, I totally had that planned, what do you mean I'm full of myself, how rude!)
SC took the coins and deposited them with his book. Then, he proceeded to stare for a moment at the knuts, before also putting them with his book.
and sat back, then called for a pint of Ankh-Morpork beer.
Ellay frowned, then yelled, "No, no more than one alcoholic drink before missions. Remember that time when the Stu had a drill tank and you were so drunk up on that toxic and burbun stuff we found that you tried to give it a hug. WE only survived because I had the foresight to put a remote activated portkey in your coat."
Drustomiel spluttered, "I merely wanted to know if it only had that particular effect on demons."
Ellay rolled her eyes, "It was the same with the sparkly vodka."
"That was weak beyond imagination. It took Draco Malfoy forty pints to even feel slightly tipsy." the elf sighed, "Okay, I'll have a lemonade ... that sounded silly even to me."
"Nothing wrong with lemonade." grumbled Ellay, still sipping at her firewhiskey.
SC turned around with the lemonade in hand as Simon Bellamay III (who looked like total crap) staggered downstairs.
Aneis flew over and lighted on his shoulders as he attempted to walk over to the bar - and almost made it, before tripping and slamming face-first into the hard wood floor. Aneis had jumped off his shoulders preemptively and landed gently by him.
SC put the lemonade down by the elf and hopped over the bar top to help Simon to his feet.
"Let me guess. You're heading out," SC said.
"F***, who puts a f***in' floor on the... on the f***in' floor... buncha' dumb a**holes..." Simon continued this hungover babbling as SC opened a portal to the Bellamay Sanctuary and walked him and Aneis through.
The portal closed, and SC went back behind the bar.
"My bad, folks. Be careful about the ryncol, it's a strong batch," SC warned.
Ari winced as she walked over to the bar, her hand tightly wrapped around the cane-form of her Device. Ever since her battle with Nova, she'd needed it to walk most places, and apparently she still hadn't recovered enough for her to use her magic to actually fly yet.
She sighed, remembering the orders of Dr Kindheart. "...Tea, please."
( Dr Kindheart strikes fear into the heart of all who think to disobey her doctorial orders )
Captain Navare walked over to the bar as well, talking animatedly with the black-armoured woman beside him. They were an odd pair: he was tall, heavily-muscled and blue-haired, and wore a slightly modified Nanoha-verse Barrier Jacket (slightly modified as in 'a normal one with a lot of spikes'); she was short, thin, and her black armour, cape and mask hid her whole body.
“So, you see, Orchid,” he said, “my magic is more like math than anything else. That's why back home genius magi are also usually math genii.”
The woman shook her head. “Truly you come from a weird world, Navare.”
Navare opened his mouth to reply but noticed Ari. “Order me a cup of beer, will you?” he asked his partner and turned to the ex-Sue. His partner nodded and caught SC's attention by rapping her fingers on the bar.
“You,” she told him, “please give us a mug of beer and a cup of your cleanest water.”
Navare, meanwhile, saluted. “Ma'am! May I offer my assistance, ma'am?” he asked Ari.
Ari smiled. "I'm fine. Of course, I'm not exactly over legal drinking age, so I have to make do with tea, but that's hardly a problem." She shrugged, wincing slightly. "So, who's she?" she asked, glancing at Orchid.
( Presumably Orchid doesn't know how Navare was recruited? Also, are we going with Game Theory magic with him, and his having a berserker gene taint> )
"Her?" Navare asked. "She is my partner, ma'am. She told me her name was Black Orchid - obviously an alias - but I was no so impolite as to inquire further. She hails from a dead RP."
(No, Black Orchid does not know. And yes, I'm going with GT magic for him, as well as him having the berserker gene. I assume that this takes place post-interlude in Ari's timeline?)
Ari nodded. "Oh? Well, hello then, Orchid." She glanced at the woman's all-black attire. "Navare, is your arm holding up well?"
( Indeed it does. )
...and an Easterling walked in, holding the door open for his three, almost identical female companions. The three women were discussing something animatedly, and from the snippets of their conversation that could be made out, it involved visitors from the future, several badly-behaved minis and a space-ship recently acquired from a Gary Stu.
"Well, we're here," said the Easterling, causing them to fall silent and properly take in their surroundings. "Welcome to the land of proper food and drink, ladies." He seemed unperturbed by the fact that said 'ladies' were all Borg, albeit one in a long coat, and another with a delicate web of wires on the more organic side of her face that did not exactly match the rest of her.
"Not the canteen, then, Eagrus?" remarked the one with the least modified appearance.
"If you want to see if you can consume coffee, Cyba, Sigma and Phi, you don't want to try the canteen. Canteen anything is not to be trusted," pointed out Eagrus.
"True," agreed the women in unison.
"Besides, I'm still recovering from that last 'Stu, and I am held to believe this tavern serves genuine Middle Earth drinks," said Eagrus. "That and there's usually good conversation to be had - if your companions don't scare everybody away, of course."
"Hmph," was the only reply.
...with a little umbrella in the straw, then put a cup of water and a mug of beer - SC went with Gondorian Ale just because his counterpart, Specs, claimed that it was sodamnedgood - down at Navare and Orchid's place.
Noticing the three borg ladies an the Easterling wander in, SC felt a twinge of a bad omen; his crowds could get as weird as the idea of Galadriel painting Saruman's nails and having a girly chat with the Mouth of Sauron, but he had never had such an odd collection of people before.
"Well, if they're paying, I'm not complaining. Just gotta Tifa Lockeheart this jo- wait," SC said, realizing what he was implying.
"The cybernetics are in top condition, ma'am," he said. "Avegaar - my Device, that is - has also recovered from those..." -the mage frowned- "monsters' attacks. We are ready to scramble any time."
The Black Orchid slid SC a few gold coins - they were heavy and embossed with curving runes - and turned to Ari. "Hello there. I am called the Black Orchid." She bowed. "What do they call you?"
One of the benefits of not enforcing a definite currency system was that he got some unique payments. It made him something of a coin collector.
That said, he did still end up busting out his Sorcerer's Tome to try and figure out what these freaky-lookin' runes meant.
She nodded in thanks to SC as she sipped her tea. "I'm Ari. Former badfic clone of Alicia Testarossa. Well," she amended. "I suppose now I'm sort of a program of the Tome of Morning Sky, maybe? Or the admin program of the Tome fused with me." She frowned. "What was I saying? Oh, right. So, 'they' call you Black Orchid? Who's 'they'?"
( So, what style Device is Avegaar? )
The runes, once translated, stated that the coins were struck by 'Hercine's Mage Academy'.
Navare stared at Ari's explanation, but didn't say anything. Rather, he spun a ring - it was silver, and it had a blue jewel in its middle - on one of his fingers.
"'They' are basically everyone," the Black Orchid told Ari. "I myself am not sure whether I have any other name."
( Avegaar is Kabupatenic. I'm thinking of having it have a rifle form not unlike Storm Raider's. Avegaar is Dutch for 'auger'; Navare is Swedish for 'auger'. Hence the name. )
"Well, I didn't have much choice in turning into this. Frankly, I didn't even know that I would end up this way, but it was my best bet at beating her ," Ari said, grimacing. She looked over at Orchid. "Well, OK then. Say, do you have any magic? Since I've been forcibly put on paperwork duty, I've been thinking of going around and collecting different magic styles and spells," she explained. "And I'm sure that I can get those without, um, draining the magical source of your power." She looked slightly embarassed.
( Ah, makes sense, since the whole purpose of Kabupatenics being to let weaker mages take on powerhouses. )
Her...? Her...? The word echoed through the mage's head, and he began shaking uncontrollably. Partly from fear, partly from rage.
"I might do a better job of explaining... if it is fine with you, Orchid," he said, thankful for the change of subject. The black-wearing woman nodded, and he continued. "Orchid has some enchanted items - her weapons, her armour - but she also seems to be inherently magical. Look; Avegaar, if you will."
"Yes, sir," the Device said, a light pulsating inside the ring's gem in time with its speech. It displayed a complex diagram - Ari would recognise it as a mana emission test's results - in the air above it.
"As you can see, Orchid's body produces something that is equiv. to mana," Navare said. "However, she does not seem to have a Linker Core..."
At that moment, a certain duo - an Elf wearing green clothes and a human wearing an ankle-length, grey longcoat - entered the bar and walked up to Ari, Navare, and Orchid. Navare saluted, and Des (for that was the human) returned the gesture before taking a seat at Ari's other side. "Hello there," he said.
Anebrin, banging his sword's sheath so it would shut up, sat at Des' other side, saying nothing.
Ari winced in sympathy at Narav's reaction, and rubbed the palm of her left hand. "Well, I want to try and get magic from outside the Nanoha-verse. Of course, I doubt I can do anything that requires some kind of especially weird state of existence, or that is specifically unique to a certain character like a Puella Magi's magic or Negima Artifacts," she explained. "The Tome is supposed to be able to pull apart a spell and recreate it in a way I can use. Though I doubt I could get any uberspells going, ordinary combat magic should be manageable."
"Ari, right?" She stood up from her stool at the bar and walked over, a glass of red wine in her hand. "If you want someone to help test your magic, I can help. Or just a sparring partner whom you can go all-out on without worrying about killing them."
She stuck out a hand. "I'm Mike. Mike de Bergerac."
"Yeah. Well, I'm pretty sure that Dr Kindheart will strap me to a bed if I try any of my own magic," Ari said in annoyance. "So, I take it you're a mage of some kind?"
"Not as such. I'm a Heroic Spirit, and my Magic Resistance is Rank A+++. I'm almost completely immune to magic." Mike cocked her head. "Why would Dr. Kindheart do that?"
"I... kinda overused my magic. By, uh, all of it. There was this Sue, see, and she was overpowered so much that literally every battle was 'Nova kills everything that moves.'" Ari glanced out of the corner of her eye, and pitched her voice lower to keep Navare from hearing. "Navare over there was recruited from the same fic. Nova's mooks cut off his arm to 'restrain' him even though every single minute made it clear that the people Navare sided with - the Nanohaverse people - were absolutely outclassed and used wimpy magic. He still managed to take out one of them, though," she added.
She sighed. "Anyways, we managed to knock out some of her tech, so I went sword-to-sword with her. Since my blade's magic, I had to keep focusing it thinner and thinner, while pushing more magic into it, so that it'd be sharp enough to actually cut her, but Sonnenstrahl - my sword- really wasn't designed to do that, so it was breaking apart in my hand the longer I went on, and Nova still outclassed me in raw power. I had to fuse myself with an incredibly hastily-made program to stay alive. Still, it was absolutely worth it when I chopped off her arm." Ari grinned. "Managed to impale her, too. And then, right at the last second, I managed to focus one of my massive Buster spells into a sphere the size of a penny and explode it inside her. Of course, I was standing right next to her."
Ari grimaced in memory. "So I basically ended up in a hospital bed for days. My magic's still recovering, but if I use too much of it I might end up crippling my ability to use it ever. So I can't go on missions right now, and I'm shuffling papers."
She shook her head, clearing her thoughts. "Heroic Spirit, huh? I've only ever seen the Nasuverse through Carnival Phantasm and Prisma Illya. Must be handy to be immune to magic, though. Once I get to actually test out whatever I can do now, I'd like to spar with you."
Having lost Ari's attention, she drank her water, taking care that no-one will see what's beneath her hood, and observed the tavern. It seemed that there was an Elf that was trying to drink herself to oblivion... the Orchid shrugged.
Des, meanwhile, waved at Mike. "Hi there. I'm Des," he said. "Y'know, you look awfully similar to Jeanne D'arc. Or to the Nasuverse version, anyway."
Navare saluted again and introduced himself. "Captain Navare, formerly of the Time-Space Administration Bureau, now of the PPC," he said.
"I'm sorry to hear that. Must've been bad. Glad to see you're okay now, though. I'd be happy to spar with you, whenever you want. Just let me know, oui?"
She turned to Des, and smiled impishly. "Oh, you flatterer you. Got it in one - Joan of Arc, at your service." She gave Des a courtly bow, before taking a sip of wine. "Well, mostly. I'm Mike, these days."
Finally, Mike bowed formally to Navare. "Joan of Arc. A pleasure, Captain. Or do you prefer Navare?"
"Mike, ka," he said. "I won't ask why. After all, I'm using a pseudonym that's based on a children's card game." He sipped from his drink. "Ah, just the right taste..." he paused for a moment, savouring the taste. "Hey, Mike, how fast do your wounds heal?"
Navare, meanwhile, shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. We're not a military force here. Though I sometimes tend to forget that. By-the-by, this is my Device, Avegaar." He tapped his ring.
"Well-met, Joan of Arc," the Device said.
"Depends. With enough power, between 30 seconds and a few minutes. With limited power...indefinitely." She made a face. "Since joining the PPC, I've been very limited. The recovery time for me using my Noble Phantasm on that one Replacement!Alucard was over a week."
She turned back to Navare. "Well-met to you as well. You are a...'Device', he said? What exactly does that mean?"
"So using you as target practice for anti-materiel sniper rifles is a bad idea, huh?" he asked, chuckling. He sipped from his Choya and sighed contentedly. "But A+++ Magic Resistance probably means Navare can shoot you for an entire day and you won't even feel a tickle... wait. Isn't Ruler!Jeanne D'arc supposed to have EX Magic Resistance?"
"A Device is an AI designed to help a mage conduct the mathematical calculations required to cast their spells," Avegaar told Mike, its gem pulsating in time with its speech. "I am an Intelligent Device of the Kabupatenic system."
"Isn't that from Game Theory? The one that Mei used?" She asked. She looked at Mike. "Nanoha-verse magic is mostly built around math, and while you can cast some spells without them, all the equations you have to keep constant in your head makes it hard. So the AI does it, and if they're Intelligent they can advise you for tactical decisions and such."
She moved her cane so Mike could get a better look at it. "I use Belka. Magic, so technically Sonnenstrahl here is an Armed Device, but it's kind of a weird one."
"Although I do not completely understand this, ma'am," Navare said, "it apparently is related to the fact that I managed to kill someone who vastly outgunned me in my origin 'fic..."
"Well, if I remember right, Kabupatenic was basically designed to help normal mages beat up those who were leagues above them in raw power, so I suppose it fits," she said
Cursing, the longcoat-wearing man dug a cellphone from a pocket. "After one time where I wasted too much time in a certain RC - not my own, obviously - the marquis made me wire my phone to the console," he said. "I've another mission, it seems."
He drained the rest of his drink and got up. "'Twas nice seeing you, Ari, Navare, Orchid," he said, "and a certain pleasure to meet you, Mike. Drop for a visit sometimes - my RC's log e. Ta-ta~"
With that, he walked out of the bar. Anebrin nodded to Ari and followed.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry. Zoned out a bit, there."
She bent to examine Sonnenstrahl. "Weird how?"
"Well, first off it's a version of an already-weird canon artifact called Schwertkruez. Now, that artifact works in the Belkan style of magic, which involves cartridges that give short bursts of power, but the Schwertkruez doesn't, and it only has one combat mode, when nearly every other high-quality Device has three. Even in canon it's weird, which makes sense as it's a part of a unique artifact."
"Sonnenstrahl started out as a copy for that artifact, but one with a couple combat modes. So it's weird. Understand?"
"...So, it acts like a gun, and is supposed to have multiple modes, but doesn't. Right?"
"The Schwertkruez does. The Belkan system of magic involves compressing magic into a cartridge, like a bullet, before a battle. In the battle, you use a cartridge and it releases magic, giving you a boost. Plus, the Belkan system is designed for melee combat. But the Schwertkruez doesn't use cartridges, it has only one mode, and uses long-range spells, so it's a weird device for Belkan magic. Sonnenstrahl was originally a duplicate of Schwertkruez, but one with a bunch of modes that could do any-range. Most of that's been blocked, though. I have a sword mode, a staff mode, and an ax mode for combat, and for non-combat I have this cane mode and a necklace mode."
((You cheeky card game reference, you.))
"Hi, pardon me, not interrupting, just taking an order," SC said as he walked over to the elf-and-human duo.
"Have you perhaps some Miruvor here?" the Elf asked. "I hear tell that it is very good." He looked at his partner, whose attention was focussed on Navare, Ari, Mike and the Orchid. "I think he would like a bottle of Choya Umeshu."
"Miruvor is expensive here; as in, 'Galadriel hates it when I ask, so I have to charge higher' expensive. But, I can do that. And one thing of Choy Umeshu, coming up," SC said, plopping the two drinks down.
"I do not mind," the Elf said. "Des said once that 'you cannot have a cigar that is both cheap and good. Either it is good or it is cheap'." He took the Choya and slid it to Des, then sipped some of his own drink. "Say," he asked SC, "were there any Elves among your customers lately? Or goddesses of light?"
"Theia and Tera got called to team up with someone on an MGLN/Teen Titans badfic," she told him. "I don't know when they'll be back, but I can pass on a message if you like."
"Please tell Theia that I would very much like to meet her before I get sent to another mind-scarring mission," the Elf said, sipping from his drink.
"Oh? Another one? Want to rant?" She asked.
( Let me guess, this is his mission with Riaa?)
"You see, a while after I visited you in Medical, I was sent to a Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha x Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's crossover, with a..." - the Elf made a face - "well, a drider name Riaa'lzhor as a temporary partner, as Des was still in FicPsych. That mission... well, the Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's canon is stupid in and as of itself; add to that a horrid, illogical, cheating Sue... well, it was not pleasant."
It wasn't that he hated Riaa - it was that they were unfortunate enough to meet while being forced to read a very unpleasant Dr. Who badfic together.
SC quickly resumed his neutral demeanor, in case anybody was looking his way. The last thing he needed was a brawl in the tavern over a misunderstood action, especially with a pissed-off, hung-over demon slaying legend upstairs, and his daughter fluttering about downstairs.
"Well, I didn't have much choice in turning into this. Frankly, I didn't even know that I would end up this way, but it was my best bet at beating her ," Ari said, grimacing.
I dunno if this counts as an assassination, but my favorite moment so far has been Kilroy and Mike warping in aboard a stolen Retribution-class Battleship and blowing up an entire, several-hundred-square-mile island. Lots of OCs died that day.
Kill the Xeno. Burn the Heretic. Purge the Unclean. In The Emperor's name, let none survive!
I'm trying to run a clean this-topic-only veteran sue-killer's tavern, here. I am NOT replacing skulls and sweeping up bolter shells.
And I still proclaim that to be the best use of interdimensional pockets ever.
You don't happen to serve amasec, do you? I haven't had a proper drink in years.
...asked Teh Specs.
"Oh, why not. I've been getting bored. HQ must've forgotten about Mike and I. Not that I'm complaining, the free time is nice...it's just..."
Kilroy sipped the drink Specs had set on the bar in front of him. His eyebrows shot up, and he held the glass up to the light. "I don't know where you found this, but by the Emperor, this is some of the best amasec I've ever had. Made on Vostroya, maybe?"
He sipped again, savoring the drink. "Shame Mike isn't here - she'd love it."
"What makes you think I'm not, Partner?" Kilroy turned as the warm, contralto voice purred behind him. Agent Michelle de Bergerac slid onto the stool next to him and smiled impishly.
She turned to Specs. "Amontillado. A bottle if you have it, a glass if you don't."
Normally, it was easy to differentiate between him and Specs, because Specs was a loose cannon personality and was gentle like a train. But he let it slide - people were enjoying themselves, and if his roommates Caroline and Veralyn were to be believed, he reeeeeaaally didn't want to know what was in the Inquisitor's pockets.
SC opened a fresh bottle and popped it down by the pair, then returned to his coin translating.
...if it's worth doing, it's worth OVERdoing!
That joke's as dead as Dobby.
When I sporked 'Replacement Dash causes me to loathe the color blue', I initially toyed with the idea of notifying Princess Celestia and having the veritable Sun Goddess burn everything to the cloud floor. However, after some reflection (and discussion with folks on the IRC), I decided this would be out-of-character for Celestia to do and scrapped the idea.
So instead, Agent!Caroline and Veralyn brawled with the replacement, Caroline dislocated one of its wings to ground it, and then it was sedated and tossed into the grinder.
Yeah, it was one of the more brutal assassinations, but both of my agents were unarmed and this was a grimdark badfic set in a canon about friendship and acceptance. And it was incredibly satisfying.
Trust me, all bronies who read your mission felt satisfied at Replacement!thou-hath-no-right-to-call-thyself-Dash's death. She was an abomination that needed to die. However, there are two that are better in my opinion.
Second best assassination would have to go to the 'Death by Poe' one. I cannot remember spesifics, but I know they yanked her into one of Poe's poems, and the poetic justice delivered was nothing short of phenomenal.
However, the best has to go to the Cupcakes assassination of replasement!pinkamina. The struggle with this crazed pony murdering replacement thing, cumulating to a quick death, something the monster never gave. The way that was written; Rainbow Dash whimpering about how she wants to go home, the snap of the agents, one strugling to keep Rainbow alive while the other has to force himself to read the charge list and not kill her immediately, and finally ending with all but one poor pony thinking it was just a wicked party Pinkie threw that they could not remember. That was very emotional for me.
(Don't forget me. Pinkimena was going to be my worst enemy, one that no matter how hard I tried, because of the fanfiction and tumblrs, just would not die. Hundreds of lives on my hands, because I was unable to stop her. She would hunt me down, with all of the forth-wall and cartoon physics Pinkie has, and a bloodlust unmatched by any creature I have ever encountered. Then, this happened. Suddenly, she was severely weakened, her source of power, gone. Further, I read the killing of THE Pinkimena, my most feard enemy. To say I cryed tears of joy...that would be the largest understatement I have ever uttered.)
I need to find that mission...
(Also, careful about the spelling, yes? Replacement and specific don't have an s in them. :D)
My spelling problems are solved! Mostly!
Any whom, sorry for the late response, but here is the Death by Poe fic. It is a pirates of the Caribbean mary sue fic where the Mary Sue is a prostitute (though she refuses to admit it) who falls in love with Bootstrap Bill (pre barnicalification, thank god) and is the 'mother' of Will. The poem used to kill her... well, I wont spoil it, but the name of the Sue is Anna-Belle. The mission is called: Twas Many and Many a Year Ago, in a Nondescript Random Town by the Sea. I do not know how to HTML... things. God that just looks like atrocious grammar, but I don't know how to fix it! Anyway, just look on the wiki for it.
('Cept you missed the 'h' in have. XD I tease, I tease.)
HTML can be tricky. With links, just type link title (minus the spaces in front of the a's.)
That way, you'll come up with something like this: A link to the wiki! :D
I can't believe I missed that.
Anyway, thanks for the help. Normally one would link to some site to prove they understood, but I just tested it on the preview and it works. Thanks.
Don't worry - my computer's 'F' key sticks a bit, so I have to be really careful with words like 'of' and 'from'.
Ya be welcome. :D
Your last paragraph kind of reminds me of a Nanoha poster I found.
Something like, "I'll beat the friendship into you," or sommat.
Rather fitting for that Eldritch abomination story, I think.
Well, I remember back in the day before I joined the PPC, I killed a Sue by having her get into a Suesicle and then shoved off Caradhras by the Fellowship.
And there are the suggestions that Consulting Sue Slayer puts out that range from a simple gunshot wound to dropping chandeliers on people to burning them on Bonfire Night so it'd look like an accident.
Also there was the one where Sherlock wanted to put the Sues in a Russian orphanage but John thought that'd be too cruel and unusual even for them.
I am NOT fixing tables, madam! You behave in this tavern!
Anyhow, I think you meant to say TURN Into suecicles there.
But whatever, I'm sure Elaidez - er, I-I mean "Derek" - approves, wherever he is.
A near-fatal and woefully tragic mistake have you made this day. See to it now that you do not make the same error twice.
There are... reasonably concerning consequences if you do.
Oh crap.