Ficlet response: "Uh, guys? Upstairs sent this."

Subject: Ficlet response: "Uh, guys? Upstairs sent this."
Author: Scapegrace
Posted on: 2016-04-14 13:28:00 UTC

A/V Division Technician (and former JMC First Technician) Albert Sproggins looked up at one of the other techs. He was cradling what looked like a large tin box and an old-fashioned slide projector, primarily because that's what they were, so Albert got up from his report and helped him with the weight.

"Thanks, Al."

"No trouble, Mike. What've we got here then?"

Mike ran his fingers through what remained of his hair and sucked in air through his teeth. "You're not gonna like it, Al. It's a No-Drool."

Albert went pale. "Oh, sod."

"No, Morning Glory, actually - oh, right, that's a British thing, sorry. Uh. Yeah. Apparently we're all supposed to watch this thing."

"On a scale of one to the planet leave videos from 'Yperdrive," Albert said slowly, the letter H entirely vanishing from proceedings, "how bad's it going to get?"

"Alien sex is dangerous sex," Mike quoted.

"Oh, smeggin' 'ell. Why haven't you put this in the bunker with the rest of the poxy things?"

"Because it's worse. You smell that kinda musty smell? Someone's got their hands on three-million-year-old developing fluid."

Albert's mouth fell open. "Christ on a bloody bike. From 'ome?"

"You know anywhere else that's got it?"

"Nobody likes a smartarse."

"Look, I need you to go get everyone while I set the projector up. We've got to know whether or not this thing is dangerous."

"Why me?"

"C'mon, man, I don't want everyone to hate me."

Albert sighed theatrically as he wandered off. "You don't drink tea, you great prannock, they already do."

---

The assembled Technicians sat, lounged, perched, and in one case flapped (quite how a sword-billed hummingbird called Eric had become an A/V Technician nobody was entirely sure, but he was the only person who knew how to fix the photocopier) as they awaited the display. Newer members of that merry band were excited by Albert getting out his not-very-secret stash of cakes; upon seeing them stacked on the nice plate with only a couple of chips in it, veteran technicians went a bit pale. Mike sat down next to one of the editing team and wordlessly handed her a stuffed rabbit to cling to.

Albert "Right. Everyone. Standard No-Drool review protocols are in effect. No phones, no recording, no running, no diving, no piddling in the shallow end. Also, since Jazminder's with us today, nobody else eats the iced buns in the pink wrappers, they're gluten-free and they've got Tru-Blood in them. Also, for those who don't know my 'ome continuum, this is a Timeslide. We can enter the photograph, but why you'd want to is beyond me. Okay, think that's everything, sick buckets are up by Dave's workbench in the usual spot. Eric, get the lights, will you, mate? Mike, you're on projection duty."

The house lights dimmed, courtesy of Eric perching on a handy crank, and the slide projector fired up.

A slightly grainy image of a gangly black woman filled the projection screen. "Hello. My name is Antrilovorasilendar, known in this place as the Notary. Today, we will be discussing why feminine hygiene products are necessary with object lessons in what happens when substandard or insufficient supplies are available. The projector provided is a transmat device keyed to my voice, so you will be accompanying me for key segments where audience participation is key to understanding the issues that need to be addressed. Next slide."

The slide changed and a far less pleasant vista was suddenly, for lack of a better word, on display. The Notary looked seriously ill, and there was all manner of stains on the floor of the shot.

"First," the Notary said hesitantly, her eyes glassy, her rail-thin body covered in nothing save for a prodigious and angry rash, "we shall be discussing in detail the symptoms and causes of toxic shock syndrome, using myself as a, as a test bed..."

---

Seven hours later, the A/V Division emerged from the lecture, brows soaked with sweat and clothes stained with... stains.

"I want my mum," said Jazminder.

"I think we all do," Albert replied.

"Well you can't have her, she's mine."

"Ow," someone else piped up from the floor.

Mike made his way to the front of the crowd, pausing briefly to smash his head against the wall. "I think we should go see Medical. Uh. Polly from Editing isn't looking so good. Everyone else? Bleepka. Go get. And send the bill to the Nightshade."

Albert paused, a lone figure amidst the stampede. "Why the Nightshade?"

"Because we can tell her exactly what happened and whose fault this is."

"Mike?"

"Yes Al?"

"D'you think we'll ever be able to feel love again?"

"Doubt it."

"Thought so."

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Economy of the PPC by Bramandin on 2016-04-13 15:39:00 UTC Reply

I think I saw how agents aren't paid, yet there are mentions of them paying for drinks in the bar and their food in the Cafeteria.

Does the official armory charge for weapons, or is that just the one out in New Calecdonia?

I heard something about how there is some sort of requisition account for certain items, like a better chair.

Do some agents have problems because they have less opportunity to steal stuff from badfic?

What I'm really wondering is if feminine hygiene products are provided, or if people have to barter for them.

Some actual answers. by Huinesoron on 2016-04-13 16:18:00 UTC Reply

(Answer numbers may not align perfectly with question numbers.)

1/ Agents are paid. In theory. In practice the PPC is chronically short of cash, so there's a lot of... non-monetary pay. According to Selene and Kaitlyn: "We get paid room, board, medical fees, psych fees, repairs, equipment, and reasonable requisitions." That includes the aforementioned chair, and probably official weapons and the like. I don't think I recall anyone paying in the Cafeteria, either, though I may be wrong; I don't think it's common, either way.

2/ Neither Kaitlyn nor Selene are good negotiators. Kaitlyn likely just accepted whatever was offered, and Selene was busy being mentally unhinged. Given that this is the PPC, I suspect every agent's pay arrangements are different. (Agents Vemi and Penny were Discworld assassins, and got their guild fees paid in weapons, for instance.)

3/ There is, despite this, a lot of money rolling around in HQ. You can pay in a dozen different currencies at Rudi's, and there's loads of shops in New Cal. I guess this is supported by a) whatever agents bring from home, and b) a lot of barter and trading. You can probably get a good price for chocolate - you certainly could ten years ago.

4/ Every agent has enough to eat, wear, and work with. But if your agent likes to drink or gamble, but can't scrounge up enough badfic junk to fund it, then yes, they probably will have problems.

5/ That is a really interesting question which I don't think has been answered. ^_^ I would love to see someone write a conversation with the Quartermaster, trying to explain precisely why they count as essentials (the QM being the Morning Glory, of course).

hS

Looks down by Bramandin on 2016-04-18 16:31:00 UTC Reply

Y'know, I was expecting someone to be quietly discussing the birds and the bees with the Flower, possibly with some squicky descriptions.

Luckily I have a mind like a steel sieve.
With regards to point 5... by Scapegrace on 2016-04-13 19:18:00 UTC Reply

One would very much hope so. You said it yourself (or rather Kaitlyn and Selene said it themselves): agents get both medical provisions and reasonable requisitions. Feminine hygiene products, to my mind, count as both; it's a medical necessity not to contract, for instance, toxic shock syndrome when you have a job like an Assassin's, but it's also a reasonable request on behalf of everyone else that people not bleed all over the place.

Sometimes, y'know, I'm really grateful I'm a trans woman. =]

Yeah, being fertile was not fun. (nm) by Anonymous on 2016-04-18 16:23:00 UTC Reply
Now explain that... by Huinesoron on 2016-04-13 20:19:00 UTC Reply

... in terms HQ's most self-centred Flower can understand. ;) This is the PPC, after all - 'reasonable' is not in abundant supply.

(As long as it's funny, obviously.)

hS

Ficlet response: "Uh, guys? Upstairs sent this." by Scapegrace on 2016-04-14 13:28:00 UTC Reply

A/V Division Technician (and former JMC First Technician) Albert Sproggins looked up at one of the other techs. He was cradling what looked like a large tin box and an old-fashioned slide projector, primarily because that's what they were, so Albert got up from his report and helped him with the weight.

"Thanks, Al."

"No trouble, Mike. What've we got here then?"

Mike ran his fingers through what remained of his hair and sucked in air through his teeth. "You're not gonna like it, Al. It's a No-Drool."

Albert went pale. "Oh, sod."

"No, Morning Glory, actually - oh, right, that's a British thing, sorry. Uh. Yeah. Apparently we're all supposed to watch this thing."

"On a scale of one to the planet leave videos from 'Yperdrive," Albert said slowly, the letter H entirely vanishing from proceedings, "how bad's it going to get?"

"Alien sex is dangerous sex," Mike quoted.

"Oh, smeggin' 'ell. Why haven't you put this in the bunker with the rest of the poxy things?"

"Because it's worse. You smell that kinda musty smell? Someone's got their hands on three-million-year-old developing fluid."

Albert's mouth fell open. "Christ on a bloody bike. From 'ome?"

"You know anywhere else that's got it?"

"Nobody likes a smartarse."

"Look, I need you to go get everyone while I set the projector up. We've got to know whether or not this thing is dangerous."

"Why me?"

"C'mon, man, I don't want everyone to hate me."

Albert sighed theatrically as he wandered off. "You don't drink tea, you great prannock, they already do."

---

The assembled Technicians sat, lounged, perched, and in one case flapped (quite how a sword-billed hummingbird called Eric had become an A/V Technician nobody was entirely sure, but he was the only person who knew how to fix the photocopier) as they awaited the display. Newer members of that merry band were excited by Albert getting out his not-very-secret stash of cakes; upon seeing them stacked on the nice plate with only a couple of chips in it, veteran technicians went a bit pale. Mike sat down next to one of the editing team and wordlessly handed her a stuffed rabbit to cling to.

Albert "Right. Everyone. Standard No-Drool review protocols are in effect. No phones, no recording, no running, no diving, no piddling in the shallow end. Also, since Jazminder's with us today, nobody else eats the iced buns in the pink wrappers, they're gluten-free and they've got Tru-Blood in them. Also, for those who don't know my 'ome continuum, this is a Timeslide. We can enter the photograph, but why you'd want to is beyond me. Okay, think that's everything, sick buckets are up by Dave's workbench in the usual spot. Eric, get the lights, will you, mate? Mike, you're on projection duty."

The house lights dimmed, courtesy of Eric perching on a handy crank, and the slide projector fired up.

A slightly grainy image of a gangly black woman filled the projection screen. "Hello. My name is Antrilovorasilendar, known in this place as the Notary. Today, we will be discussing why feminine hygiene products are necessary with object lessons in what happens when substandard or insufficient supplies are available. The projector provided is a transmat device keyed to my voice, so you will be accompanying me for key segments where audience participation is key to understanding the issues that need to be addressed. Next slide."

The slide changed and a far less pleasant vista was suddenly, for lack of a better word, on display. The Notary looked seriously ill, and there was all manner of stains on the floor of the shot.

"First," the Notary said hesitantly, her eyes glassy, her rail-thin body covered in nothing save for a prodigious and angry rash, "we shall be discussing in detail the symptoms and causes of toxic shock syndrome, using myself as a, as a test bed..."

---

Seven hours later, the A/V Division emerged from the lecture, brows soaked with sweat and clothes stained with... stains.

"I want my mum," said Jazminder.

"I think we all do," Albert replied.

"Well you can't have her, she's mine."

"Ow," someone else piped up from the floor.

Mike made his way to the front of the crowd, pausing briefly to smash his head against the wall. "I think we should go see Medical. Uh. Polly from Editing isn't looking so good. Everyone else? Bleepka. Go get. And send the bill to the Nightshade."

Albert paused, a lone figure amidst the stampede. "Why the Nightshade?"

"Because we can tell her exactly what happened and whose fault this is."

"Mike?"

"Yes Al?"

"D'you think we'll ever be able to feel love again?"

"Doubt it."

"Thought so."

Oh, fer cryin' out loud. by Jennifer Robinson on 2016-04-14 17:48:00 UTC Reply

*shakes head* The cause is a noble one, I guess, but in my capacity as a reasonable person I feel the need to point out that making your own supplies is a) more environmentally friendly, and b) arguably better for your ladyparts. It's not hard if you know what you're doing.

Poor Lolus is probably having fits. This stunt warrants a serious ass-kicking. Once, y'know, you don't have a temperature of 105, or whatever the Gallifreyan equivalent is. Point is, I'm coming over.

*sighs, shakes head some more, gathers medical supplies*

~Jenni, butting in.

(( Disclaimer: The above statements do not necessarily reflect the actual views/practices of the management.

(( Personally, I figure this is one of those things that it's okay to take for granted as a writer, like bathrooms and everything that goes with them. Still, it is interesting to consider where all that stuff comes from. Who is actually in charge of procuring large amounts of toilet paper on the down-low? And how do the agents manage in the field, especially if cross-continuum contamination is to be avoided? {= D ))

"Your assistance is neither wanted nor appreciated." by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-04-14 18:34:00 UTC Reply

"I am fine. Sickness passes and will not kill me, however unpleasant the symptomatic period may be. In the end, I emerge triumphant with my stated and unstated goals achieved, and that matters considerably more to me than whether or not it is possible to cobble together the jam-rag equivalent of a shotgun shack out of three dead hamsters and a kebab skewer.

"As for Lolus, the entire experiment took place in a fast-time field so I had time to prepare the slides and presentation; for him, I was gone for intervals of an hour or two at the most. Since I am an active field agent in the Department of Floaters, he shall have to cope with longer absences than that. Or would you rather he accompany me into a badfic to be, for instance, attacked by the incandescent genitals of a possessed fire elemental? That, for reference, was my first mission, and it's been pretty much downhill from there. I don't know how adept Suvians are at caring, even the pSuedo-varieties such as yourself who seek only the thrill of saving a life that hangs by a thread, but one imagines you draw the line at using a dragonet as ablative armour. That's what the human's for. So do not expect my door to be open to you should you ever deign to grace me with your glittery and benighted presence, our business is thoroughly concluded, now go away before I fetch the push-broom."

-- The Notary, butting heads.

((I'd use the same disclaimer, but yeah, it's the Notary, I shouldn't have to point out that the Lonely Sod's views are not my own. =] ))

((I tend to assume that, er, less than entirely scrupulous former agents took to nicking replicators and the like from various badfic, and that (if/when they pegged out) Stores or Operations comes in and hoovers up those kinds of personal effects so that they can get their hands on raw materials. Still, even in our rather more enlightened society, female hygiene is seen as a non-essential purchase because reasons. It might need some of the PPC's more obstreperous members to get the point home that no, this is a thing that needs to change.))

You say the sweetest things. â™¥ by Jennifer Robinson on 2016-04-14 19:08:00 UTC Reply

But seriously, as usual, you have both willfully misunderstood my point and grossly exaggerated everything you possibly could in an attempt to cast me in a bad light. It's kinda cute that you still think it will work.

Just to be absolutely clear, I am not concerned about your time away from Lolus. Blues and greens are fairly notorious for spending long stretches away from their Impressors. I am concerned that you don't seem to understand that your physical distress will cause him emotional distress. If you don't get that, we are so not done.

And yes, I enjoy the act of nursing. So Sue me.

~Jenni

(( Oh, I'd forgotten about replicators! Heh, that probably answers that.

(( But yeah, modern society does need to get its act together on women's health. No argument there. On that note, have an interesting, probably NSFW Buzzfeed article with video about guys experiencing a simulated period, and how they feel about it. ))

"I'm not in physical distress." by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-04-14 19:37:00 UTC Reply

"I was briefly afflicted with a debilitating infection under controlled conditions. I didn't get shot. I'm fine, he's fine, I'd rather have a molten glass sandwich than spend another moment in the company of an atrocious White Knighting Suvian probability manipulator, your presence is demonstrably unnecessary. Besides, if you attempt to arrive unannounced, I will simply retire to my TARDIS and go somewhere else in Headquarters; it would likely set me on fire several times in the process, but that is far more palatable than being around you. I'd say it would be an excuse to leave Clown Town, but this is Headquarters we're talking about.

"Of course, I could hardly stop you from finding me once I had landed; you do, after all, make your own luck. One wonders how many times you'll have to do that before this season's most fashionable anklet starts delivering jolts, especially since word from DoSAT is they've been considering upping the voltage for repeat offenders. Perhaps some curious soul will video your frenzied convulsions and share it with your superiors. I do hope so.

"Lastly, Lolus has imprinted on me, largely because I feed him kebabs and fuss him. If I wanted to, and if my hand is forced, all I have to do is touch him with my bare hand and initiate telepathic contact. Such an action, with all my memories of the War, would likely reduce him to a gibbering, brainless husk or make him vanish between. Afterwards I will simply requisition a new paper shredder from Stores and be about my business as normal. Do not darken my door again, you sanctimonious little human. Learn your place."

--The Notary

((I'd say it was a Slap Slap Kiss kind of deal, but the Notary's so much fun to slap that it's difficult to get people to stop... =] ))

((And yeah, I saw that video ages back. It's interesting, and it ties into my firm conviction that if men suffered appalling cramps and sprayed blood from their genitals for roughly a week in every four, there would have been a cure by now.))

Oh, good. by Jennifer Robinson on 2016-04-14 21:32:00 UTC Reply

Good thing I did announce my intent, that is, so we can skip the whole melodramatic avoidance thing. ^_^

It saddens me that you still don't get certain basic things about me, though, darling. Even if probability manipulation were a thing I regularly indulged in, like, ever in my entire existence, I still wouldn't have to in order to find you. I'd just have to follow the complaints about the madwoman camping out in the corridor, shouting at people for breaking regulation 449j or whatever. You do a very excellent job of putting off people who aren't as good as I am at ignoring over-the-top defensive BS.

Maybe I'm confused, though. Are you currently infected with a particularly nasty strain of Staphylococcus aureus bacteria known for its rapid progression and serious complications, including shock, seizure, kidney failure, and death, or did you have antibiotics on hand in the fast-time field? 'Cause at first it sounded like this was still a thing, and now it doesn't.

I'm gonna assume you don't actually intend to threaten Lolus' life. Unlike all the rest of this, that would make me angry, and incidentally also demonstrate a degree of psychotic instability that I'd be required to report to my superiors regardless of my personal feelings.

See, I know exactly what my place is. : )

~Jenni

(( Well, Notary'd have to stop, too, wouldn't she? Seems to me that's the really hard part. {= ) ))

"You fail to comprehend, as is the wont of humans." by Scapegrace on 2016-04-14 23:33:00 UTC Reply

"By being me, by having the memories I have, I am a risk. I cannot Bleep my brain into oblivion like your own degenerate species; instead, I have had to develop my own coping mechanisms, about which I shall only bore you with the details if and when I am forced at gunpoint into a therapist's office with you as a therapy buddy. All I have to do is touch him with my hand and he will know what I know. This is not a threat to his safety, it is simply a statement of fact. You would not accuse Rogue of the X-Men of threatening behaviour just because she brought it up in conversation.

"And you do manipulate probability, and you do it in the field, and I've got proof. I read the reports on your little jolly to Blood Raining Night. You went off alone to find this Sakura woman and emerged with her, when the Words of the badfic in question stated quite clearly that she was chained up in the dungeon. Or do you make a habit of secreting heavy-duty bolt cutters about your person in case you might need them? How very... convenient it must have been.

"The fact that I am talking to you now, very much against both our better judgment, should be proof positive that I am well enough to do so. Unlike the human, I am not obliged to use a speech-to-text device when writing my reports, but I am doing so anyway. You will note the absence of any onomatopoeic vomiting noises or sudden pauses while I dash to vacate my bowels and dry-retch. When I do things, I prepare for them, and I try to prepare for as many eventualities as possible. You, on the other hand, just engage in rubber-hose cryptography with the entire multiverse until you get what you want.

"One does have to wonder why you bother. But then I remember that Suvians have to be the hero, and have to save people, and then I have no need to wonder any more."

((Oh Notary. U so godawful-excuse-for-a-sentient-being. =] ))

Ah-ah, no take-backsies. by Jennifer Robinson on 2016-04-15 02:50:00 UTC Reply

If Rogue said "If I wanted to, and if my hand is forced, all I have to do is touch him with my bare hand to"—now I'm paraphrasing—"reduce him to a lifeless husk, and it won't even bother me, so leave me alone or else," I would certainly take that as a threat, because that is what that assemblage of words implies, as you are quite bright enough to know without me having to tell you.

Still, I'm glad you didn't mean it.

But now we have to deal with your shameful fallacy in deducing a general rule from a non-representative case, ignoring the special circumstances of that case. Just because I can do something doesn't mean I always do that thing. I don't always manipulate probability any more than you always go around telepathically demolishing people. Which, again, you know quite well, and are only pretending otherwise in an adorable attempt to rile me up.

I remain unriled. Frankly, since you're not at risk of dying horribly, I'm doing this for fun now. Having to work for my reward is way more fun than cheating. You can generalize that one. ^_~

~Jenni

P.S. Her name is Kagome Higurashi and I didn't "go off" to find her, I was brought in specifically to deal with a chapter with her in it. Come on, you're above such simple mistakes!

"Time Lord memories are not infinite." by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-04-15 13:03:00 UTC Reply

"It just looks that way. I apologise for the error. However, when it comes to general rules from non-representative cases, I put it to you that aside from in non-representative cases wherein one's hand is forced, one does not launch a nuclear missile.

"As for your reward, well, if your reward is time spent dealing with the Oncoming Form then I question your definition of the term. Still, it's not like I have anything better to do with my time; the human is shooting scripts for her benighted television show, the ConCounOfGaInEx minutes are typed up, Lolus is currently draped over my lap like a stole that missed, the sicknesses that affected me. My life is perfectly fine, and has no need of assistance from a Suvian anthropomorphic wishing-well; I am merely choosing to engage with you - against, it must be said, my better judgment - because it's always fun watching the powerful try and fail to be normal.

"Own it in future, little god. You could rule these grey halls with no effort at all, but you instead content yourself to slum it with the normies and dress like Kurt Cobain's bag lady years. It would take but a moment, for luck is on your side, and the universe is yours to control. So control it. No Suvian can stand to one of their own, no wraith could infect another canon. No more agents dying, so far away from home as to make the concept of it meaningless. No more twisting and misshaping of the multiverse to fit the whims of a panoply of child demons. Peace in our time. You could be the hero your kind begs to be, bestrider of worlds, master of fates. Instead... you are small and ordinary and duller even than myself, which must take some doing. Is this, perhaps, what happens when the divine become truly old? When boredom or senility takes inexorable root and forces you from majesty to scrabbling amidst Generic Surface corridors? I can but wonder."

Nah, I was never very majestic. by Jennifer Robinson on 2016-04-15 16:02:00 UTC Reply

I leave that to my properly deific cousins. Enough of them threw their hats in that ring that I see no particular need to do the same.

Heck, this isn't even slumming it. Slumming it was when I spent a time or two as a fox, or tried to be a decent healer in times when people still believed in the restorative properties of crocodile feces. Talk about meaningless death.

But, the thing is, you spend enough time among mortals and you start to learn things about them. I figured out a long time ago that death and free will matter. I can't just wipe pain, suffering, and bad choices away and expect people to be happy about it. On the contrary, rampantly flinging power around whether anyone likes it or not tends to get you labeled as a monster in most cases. Trust me, I found that out the hard way. What you might call my childhood was full of learning experiences like that. It's more or less why I've settled here, where I can at least sometimes admit what I really am without suffering more than the occasional insult and, of course, the indignity of this fetching jewelry. It's supposed to come off soon, so that's good.

I'm not infinite, by the way. I actually have significantly less power to sling than I did back in the day. Old age is indeed something I have to deal with eventually, though I'm not quite on the point of going senile yet, I hope. : ) By that point, a physical form will probably be quite beyond me, so you won't have to worry about what happens then. I'll just drift aimlessly through the Void and finally vanish, like a puff of smoke in the breeze.

In the meantime, I mean it positively when I say that I, too, have nothing better to do than chat with you. I'm off-duty, Henry is on a Sprout activity, and Su is on a mission. I consider this an excellent use of my time. We could even, y'know, do it in person, assuming that doesn't constitute a nuclear-strike level of hand-forcing. Do you maybe want to clarify that, since we're approaching a more even-keeled level of discourse?

That in and of itself would not be my prize, for the record. From where I sit, the stakes are rather higher than that, and I'm quite prepared to play the long game.

~Jenni

((OOC: Er, chaps. Quick question.)) by Scapegrace on 2016-04-15 17:08:00 UTC Reply

Am I going a bit overboard with this? I mean, the Notary's the one posting, definitely, but should I rein her in a bit for the Board? I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable...

((I don't see any problem.)) by Desdendelle on 2016-04-15 17:41:00 UTC Reply

((Then again it takes quite a lot for me to actually see a problem, so I'm probably not a good yardstick for that.))
(( If it helps... )) by Neshomeh on 2016-04-15 17:37:00 UTC Reply

Neither Jenni nor I are at all upset, because none of it is actually personal. That doesn't make it okay, of course, but just in case anyone's worried for my/her sake, you don't have to be. {= )

And, like, the fire-lizard thing is way not cool, but we're pretty satisfied that it's a bluff. Correct me if I'm wrong, Scape, but my read is that the Notary made a calculated strike at one of Jenni's known buttons (she's self-appointed caretaker of HQ's fire-lizard population for a reason), but once it was made clear that an actual line was nearly crossed, she backed down. There are SOME rules of engagement here.

~Neshomeh at work.

((Your read is absolutely right.)) by Scapegrace on 2016-04-15 18:12:00 UTC Reply

((Though if you want to get technical, it was less that a line had been crossed and more that the Notary realized she was overextended on that front and couldn't hold that position without undermining her other ones. She's not always very smart. To paraphrase Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series, her pwan is gweat.))

"The gods play games with the lives of men." by Scapegrace on 2016-04-15 16:28:00 UTC Reply

"You deny your power and your heritage for the sake of... what, exactly? Personal satisfaction? The feeling of contentment when you do something without your abilities, when with a wave of the hand you could heal the sick and bring the rain? You have a very laissez-faire opinion of mortal races, Suvian, and it is my opinion that your particularly indolent brand of benign neglect can only go so far.

"As for your shock collar being removed?In order for that to happen, I am given to understand that the proper accreditation will need to be submitted to the Medical Department, signed off by Doctor Fitzgerald, and enacted. Let's just say I wouldn't get your hopes up if I were you, Suvian... though of course you could embrace your powers and make the universe believe it never put one on you in the first place. It's not cheating if you're the one in charge of the rules.

"I am also only too happy to file a restraining order with Legal, and should that miraculously cease to exist, I will file another. Time Lord memories are imperfect, as stated above, but I am careful when I'm of a mind to be. Leave me to whatever fate awaits me, little god. My people touched mortal worlds only lightly; it would serve you well to follow our lead."

((Dissemble, redirect, constantly attack, rinse and repeat. The Notary, everyone, so proud despite a fall from grace. That paragon of the Rassiline virtues; self-abnegation in the face of the machine, obedience, and only being intelligent enough. Should she ever follow Jenni's lead and be a puff of smoke amidst the stars, most people will go "Who?" and those who don't will go "Good riddance." And this is the only way she can parse her existence. What a piece of work is Tree.))

Wow. And to think, I grudgingly respected you once. (nm) by Morgan on 2016-04-15 13:08:00 UTC Reply

I never took you for a fool, Morgan. You disappoint. (nm) by The Librarian on 2016-04-15 17:39:00 UTC Reply

Oh man, this drama is delicious. by Emiranlanoamar on 2016-04-15 18:31:00 UTC Reply

It almost makes me wish I joined the Council so that I'd be able to see this firsthand. Almost.

-E

"Don't you have a gun to be fellating, Grunt?" (nm) by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-04-15 19:23:00 UTC Reply

Nah, I got bored of that and wandered over here. by Emiranlanoamar on 2016-04-15 19:36:00 UTC Reply

How's life?

-E

"This conversation is over." (nm) by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-04-15 20:07:00 UTC Reply

Aw, I just got here. (nm) by Emiranlanoamar on 2016-04-15 21:11:00 UTC Reply

"People claiming to respect me are imbeciles or liars." (nm) by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-04-15 13:12:00 UTC Reply

... I need another drink. by Morgan on 2016-04-15 13:30:00 UTC Reply

((Shame. I quite liked the plot-arc in Gallifrey Bickers where Morgan grew to see the Notary as a valuable - if irritating - member of the team. ~hS))

((Well, yeah, so did I.)) by Scapegrace on 2016-04-15 13:38:00 UTC Reply

((The Notary's just a chronic depressive who has self-loathing down to a fine art. In her words, from an upcoming story: "Of course I drink. If you were in my company 24 hours a day, you'd drink too."))

((Not so 'just'.)) by Huinesoron on 2016-04-15 13:54:00 UTC Reply

((She's also aggressively insulting/attacking someone who tried to help her, and - however much she might deny it - threatening to kill her fire-lizard. Which are the parts that have finally made Morgan turn away completely.

Because yikes. ~hS))

((It's how I used to operate.)) by Scapegrace on 2016-04-15 14:41:00 UTC Reply

((There's altogether too much of how angry and disgusted I can get in the Notary. Aggressively trying to push people away, self-neglect, pushing buttons that they have... yeah. More of it than I'm comfortable talking about in detail. It's why she hasn't just muted Jenni or Morgan. She might rationalize it as "I want them to see me beat them the only way I know how, which is the only way that counts", but really it's because she's emotionally crippled to the point of a personality disorder and is terrified of what happens if it ever gets fixed, and even if it does get fixed, all she has to do is catch a bullet at the wrong time or bang her head on something and out comes the artron energy and back to square one. It's happened before - you've seen the Fun Notary. She's in pain and she's no good at dealing with it and she really does not care about... anything. And unlike the rest of the internet, not giving a toss about anything at all is something I am choosing to present as the deeply unhealthy mental state it is in real life.

((Some days I wonder if I make the Notary suffer too much, and then I get distracted and wander off somewhere else. =] ))

... I don't get it. :( by Huinesoron on 2016-04-14 14:07:00 UTC Reply

Did the Morning Glory send that video down to them with a false label? Was that deliberate? Wh...why did the humans in A/V need to be taught about feminine hygiene? Surely they already know? At least the ones who have anything to do with it? Why did a bunch of techs sit/get transmatted through seven hours of the Notary without shutting off the projector/hacking the transmat?

About the only thing I do get (after some thought) is why they're going to the Nightshade: she's the MG's nominal boss.

I am confuse.

hS

Basically? The Notary sent it to the MG first. by Scapegrace on 2016-04-14 14:27:00 UTC Reply

Also I meant to add in more technobabble from the Notary's end about how that wasn't gonna fly, but I... forgot.

Yeah, it's been one of those weeks.

So did the Notary mislabel it? by Huinesoron on 2016-04-14 14:28:00 UTC Reply

... I'm trying to imagine her deliberately putting the wrong label on something. Nnnnnnope, not working.

hS

The MG didn't so much mislabel it as... by Scapegrace on 2016-04-14 15:14:00 UTC Reply

Well, give the A/V Division techs a proper warning for what the hell was on the tape.

(the notary putting the wrong label on something was basically what consisted her rebellious teenage years. that and the poetry)

I still don't get it. ^_^ by Huinesoron on 2016-04-14 15:22:00 UTC Reply

It's a No-Drool

Alien sex is dangerous sex

Someone's got their hands on three-million-year-old developing fluid

None of those sound like an accurate description of 'the Notary does Your Body And You'. And I have no idea how 'JMC First Technician' + 'three-million-year-old developing fluid' + 'Timeslide' = 'Gallifrey'. Is... is this a thing that I should be recognising? I was assuming Albert was from some random 'verse I've never heard of, up until the Notary's appearance meant he had to be Whoniverse.

So yeah, I still don't get it.

(Despite this ongoing conversation: the fact that you responded to 'now tell the Flowers that' with a fic of your agent literally doing just that makes me inordinately happy. ^_^)

hS

Lemme clear some stuff up, then. by Scapegrace on 2016-04-14 16:54:00 UTC Reply

Timeslides are from Red Dwarf. Specifically, the title of the episode in which they feature is "Timeslides" (Series 3, Episode 5). Kryten develops some film with three-million-year-old developing fluid that's gone a bit strange over time and allows people to walk inside the boundaries of the photograph if the negative's developed as a slide. For example, Lister uses it to steal Hitler's briefcase and (temporarily) become the most disgustingly wealthy human being to have ever lived.

JMC First Technician Albert Sproggins is also from Red Dwarf, though not (haha) specifically from Red Dwarf. JMC stands for Jupiter Mining Corporation, the company that owned the crimson short one, and First Technician is a rank on board. Basically it was someone in charge of a maintenance shift - A Shift got the jobs like fixing broken drive plates and stuff, while Z Shift got to fix the chicken soup machines when they started dispensing blackcurrant squash. Which shift Lister and Rimmer were part of should frankly be obvious.

"Alien sex is danger sex", however, is a quote from the grossly underrated Hyperdrive, a much later BBC series about space travel being a bit pony. I misquoted it, for which I apologize. The scene in question is from Series 1, Episode 2, and may be watched here. Of note is a really early appearance in a lead role by Miranda Hart, so that's nice.

The whole business here is that the Notary is deliberately infecting herself with as many disgusting things as possible, photographing the process, developing them as Timeslides, and sending it to the Morning Glory to prove a point. This is exactly the kind of ridiculous lengths to which she will go in order to win an argument, get her way, or generally make a nuisance of herself. I am also adding to her presence as kind of memetically unattractive, in the "Oh sweet Jesus nobody wants to see this ever" sense. This is why the MG labelled it a No-Drool; if I've misunderstood the exact nature of a No-Drool vid, then, well, that's on me. Still, I like to believe that the Notary is so categorically unattractive that she's starred in a few, possibly involving Captain Jack Harkness (whose response to the Notary was, one imagines, "never in a billion years"). =]

Finally, thank you! I do try to make people laugh, so even when it falls as flat as it did just now it's good that I got to make you happy with my creative output. =]

I... do get it! ^_^ by Huinesoron on 2016-04-14 18:54:00 UTC Reply

I still don't quite understand why there's Timeslides and transmats in the same video (surely one or the other is enough?), but the story as a whole makes sense.

Per their first appearance, No-Drool videos are shown to agents who have given in to lusting; they consist of smut the agents emphatically don't want to see, presumably in an effort to commit genocide against their hormones.

There is precedent for non-canon characters being shown (Mal - oh, stars, I'm going to have to check - Maeluiwen was a fanfic parody Sue who apparently hung out in HQ for a while, or possibly on the Board, it's a bit wibbly-wobbly, ha ha), so the Notary is certainly a possibility as a star, and 'that unattractive Time Lady with a bunch of super-weird aliens' would certainly qualify as No-Drool material. The disease aspect probably less so; they're supposed to be anti-lust, not anti-ability-to-cope-with-life-ever-again. I suspect the hardiest A/V techs will now be tasked with clipping out the pure-video aspects to make an actual No-Drool tape.

The one thing I still don't get (I know, I know! I'm awful!) is: I thought this was about feminine hygiene products? What does the Notary giving herself STDs have to do with that?

hS

She isn't giving herself STDs. by Scapegrace on 2016-04-14 19:17:00 UTC Reply

She's giving herself stuff like toxic shock syndrome because that's what you can get from substandard and/or poorly designed tampons. There's a whole bunch of other stuff, but I left that unspoken because, well, there's only so much of it I was willing to write in a ficlet on the Board. =]

The transmat was there so that the onlooker can't escape out of the photograph when it's time for the, er, interactive portion of the lecture. Maybe it was necessary, maybe not, but the Notary's very methodical when it comes to her stupidly overcomplicated plotting. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that one world or another lost a fine supervillain when she was born a Time Lord. =]

The honour of editing that particular piece of fantabulous wonderment may well fall to Albert and Mike. I think they earned it. They're not technically in Editing, but the A/V's a Division rather than a Department, which implies to me that it's small enough that everyone in there can do at least a competent job at everything else.

Then I don't get it again. :( by Huinesoron on 2016-04-15 07:41:00 UTC Reply

"...how bad's it going to get?"

"Alien sex is dangerous sex."

~

that's what you can get from substandard and/or poorly designed tampons

Plz to explain how one gets from A to B. I is lost.

hS

That's just a quote for context. by Scapegrace on 2016-04-15 09:32:00 UTC Reply

Albert and Mike are talking about how disgusting the slideshow is going to be, not specifically involving sex or STDs. Considering the informational video they're quoting features a man's groin literally exploding in a shower of pus, blood, and baby cephalopods... yeah.

I am beginning to realise my writing is dense with references to things nobody else remembers or ever heard of to begin with. This is a problem. I need to be much, much clearer with my stuff. =]

O...kay. by Huinesoron on 2016-04-15 10:01:00 UTC Reply

Then no, it's not a No-Drool video, since it apparently has nothing to do with smut. Unless I guess people have redefined the term since Nenya came up with it, but who would do that?!?!?!

hS

Gotcha. by Scapegrace on 2016-04-15 13:10:00 UTC Reply

I was using the No-Drool thing as a convenient shorthand for "this will do horrible things to your brain, have the Bleeproduce handy". I was obviously in error and I apologise; I just couldn't think of a canonical thing that would have the same... cachet, for want of a better word. No-Drool is immediately recognizable, people know what it means without having to really think about it, and I was coming from the position that No-Drool videos got their anti-lust properties from being as unerotic as physically possible - which is why the Notary was in them, suffering from a series of advanced infections.

Perhaps it could be repurposed as a memetic weapon, like a self-replicating virus that clogs up systems and displays it on advertising hoardings and the like, but maybe that contravenes the Geneva Convention. One does have to wonder what sane person would want the Notary within one mile of a civilian population. =]

Checking my facts. by Huinesoron on 2016-04-15 13:50:00 UTC Reply

(Since everyone else seems to always take me at my word, I guess making sure hS isn't talking rubbish falls to me.)

I've just checked the Wiki article, and there are four references for No-Drool videos. Three of those just list characters, but the fourth is the original, and Nenya actually makes it clear what she had to watch:

"Separate videos. But she had all the mithril lingerie bits on, or off, as the case may be. And they cut out all the bits with the hot male elves shirtless. And the Librarian–"

It is pretty clear that the videos (okay, to nitpick, specifically the Maeluiwen video) was smut. Given her story (which still exists!), it was almost certainly lesbian smut. Which you may recognise as being a thing lots of people enjoy watching. This suggests... six possibilities:

1/ Nenya is straighter than a laser beam and is thoroughly squicked out by naked women.
2/ Nenya knows Maeluiwen quite well, and is thoroughly squicked out by the thought of her doing anything with anyone, female or otherwise.
3/ Maeluiwen is horrifyingly hideous, and this fact just goes unmentioned in her story.
4/ The videos are horrifyingly gruesome, and the fact that Maeluiwen was naked is purely incidental.
5/ Nenya was mostly horrified by the travesty against canon.
6/ "It's just a [story]/I should really just relax...!"

My money's on 1, 5, or 6, though a modified 3 is a possibility (Maeluiwen is horrifyingly unattractive to Nenya). Whatever, I still think that No-Drool videos are smutty, not gruesome.

hS

Fair enough. by Scapegrace on 2016-04-15 14:44:00 UTC Reply

Please don't take all the previous as me having a go at you, I really wasn't and I'm sorry if I came off that way. It's just, well, I should have done a lot more research before writing that.

I want to impress people on the Board and, well, this is what happens with a rush job. =/

Makes-things just called. by Hardric on 2016-04-14 14:47:00 UTC Reply

He want to know what caused the simultaneous explosion of all the CADs, C-CADs, etc in the DoSAT. (And Captain Dandy want to now how the duck a Chracter Replacement of an Agent made it to HQ.)

*picks up Makes-things the mini-Technician* (nm) by Matt Cipher on 2016-04-14 14:57:00 UTC Reply

There is no need for money post Reorganistation (nm) by Mattman The Comet on 2016-04-13 15:46:00 UTC Reply

Wait, there isn't? :O (nm) by Huinesoron on 2016-04-13 15:58:00 UTC Reply

of course I could be wrong (nm) by Mattman The Comet on 2016-04-13 16:27:00 UTC Reply

Or you could be right! by Huinesoron on 2016-04-14 14:10:00 UTC Reply

The PPC is a communal creation - if you're seeing something that wasn't deliberately written in, that'd be great. Can you give any more details why you think that?

hS

To quote the reorganisation page by Mattman The Comet on 2016-04-14 14:32:00 UTC Reply

"The destruction of the ... extremely small budgets of the PPC."

I assumed that meant pay and stuff

Re: To quote the reorganisation page by doctorlit on 2016-04-14 14:50:00 UTC Reply

" . . . the destruction of the Department of Internal Security, the formation of the Board of Department Heads, and the extremely small budgets of the PPC." "Destruction" isn't connected to the clause about budgets here; it's saying the Reorganisation resulted in the current low budgets. (Since the PPC isn't getting income from the MS's under-the-table trading between worlds anymore.)

—doctorlit gets paid partly in perks too, really