Subject: First person and listing.
Author:
Posted on: 2016-03-29 11:00:00 UTC
I'd be inclined to give the list a pass. It's first-person, and people don't speak in formal grammar. The full stops are there to give a feeling for the pace; I might write it something like this:
"My arms hurt. My chest hurts. My abdomen, my teeth, even my eyes hurt!"
I wouldn't, I'd never use the word 'abdomen' like that, but you get the point.
hS
I was lurking about Giant on the playground forums, one thing led to another, and I found "With This Ring". https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/with-this-ring-young-justice-si-story-only.272850/
It's about a guy who finds himself in the Young Justice universe with an Orange Lantern Power Ring. From what I can tell, he has knowledge of the DC universe, isn't mentally affected by the voices Hal Jordan had when he became an Orange Lantern, To me, something just doesn't seem right about this. Maybe it's that the text is inconsistent. Anyhow, I shouldn't be judging this work, as I haven't watched Young Justice. What do you guys (or gals) think?
I'm only a bit down Page 3 (I'm busy with other stuff) but there are definitely some charges in the last couple of pages (like completely removing Venom from Bane's body and completely healing Superboy's ear) that seem to stray into Sue territory.
To be fair though the author has stuck fairy rigidly to Young Justice, and has made it so that Oh El (aka the main character) isn't too OP. Is it truly mission worthy? I don't know at the moment, it depends on how things go as the fic goes on. Would I base a mission on what I've read so far? No, there's not enough there.
...but all I can think here is 'wow, you read OOTS too?'
I began reading right in the middle of the Battle of Azure City, with absolutely no context three years-ish back. I started obsessive-compulsively checking the page every day since this month. I will just say that I am expecting a Carbon Elemental in the finale.
Are you caught up to date now, or do I have to be careful about spoilers?
I am very much concerned for Durkon.
With the prophecy and all that.
Considering that the comic started off as a gag-a-day strip and even when Roy died he came back, I think Durkon will be fine.
...I hope. ;-;
Every new block of text is a different person's POV. Warning, contains an mpreg birth scene. In their species, the men give birth.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11222107/1/Stay-or-go
I haven't got to far into it and I have to agree with you, something is off about the writing, I think it's the sentences, they're either two words long or about a line long most of the time. The worst case I've found so far is:
"everything hurts too much! My arms. My chest. My abdomen, my teeth, my eyes!"
They obviously know to list things you use commas, but My arms and My chest are two sentences separate to the rest of the list for some reason (also not sure about the use of exclamation marks)
Interesting note: the main character (still haven't found a name yet) is actually from around Eastbourne, I study at Brighton University (so not that far away), so his description of the train line makes little sense, the line east out of Eastbourne splits BEFORE Polegate station, not after it, so why he would mention the station at all is weird (possible charge there, if anyone picked this up).
Another weird bit, he looks at the business of offices to work out what time it is, not the sun (and even if he is in New York, he hasn't stopped flying around yet so he could go high enough to avoid all the skyscrapers.
That's all for Part 1 (I've got to go now) I'll finish looking at it later
He's projecting all his favourite things into the DC universe. Body armour? Hate of fiat currencies? No China, apparently. I think you would call this pepper-jack cheese.
I don't quite think it's that. I mean, the no China thing could be a bit of wishful thinking, or it could be the characters way of checking whether the orange power ring knows anything about Earth, and what better way to check than asking it about one of the oldest and largest countries in the world. Besides, unless it's mentioned further in (I'm on page 2 of 35), it's a one off mention.
Body Armour, IMO is actually a good cool for a regular human in any universe with super powers, cool tech powers or not, it's a way of keeping alive. Besides there are plenty of heroes who use that kind of thing as part of their costume (Batman for instance), so I don't think that's too big a thing.
The currency thing I'd agree with, it's obviously his personal view, and as the character appears to be a self-insert, it's his character personal view as well. It's probably one of the biggest charge worthy things my initial read through (so far) has picked out, I doubt he could get as much stuff as he has by giving people stuff he says is gold (or platinum) without them checking it in some way (which would take time to authenticate I believe).
Like I've said before some of the punctuation and sentences seem a bit weird, and sometimes I've had to go back over some things to work out who is saying what, but I'm not sure if its mission worthy yet. Of course I have 33 pages of posts to get through so it can all change, but that's my opinion at the moment.
Storme Hawk
I'd be inclined to give the list a pass. It's first-person, and people don't speak in formal grammar. The full stops are there to give a feeling for the pace; I might write it something like this:
"My arms hurt. My chest hurts. My abdomen, my teeth, even my eyes hurt!"
I wouldn't, I'd never use the word 'abdomen' like that, but you get the point.
hS