So, answering to your e-mail didn’t work again. What is wrong with this address? Next time, don’t ask first, just send the link.

Oh, precious Richard! "Well, this thing doesn’t waste any time. Charges for run-on sentences and SpaG so dubious the non-native reader can see it." His experience is quite different from mine. (Apparently, many native readers see only the most blatant errors, mostly they just imagine seeing what they know should be there.)

Provided you keep them away from you friend ...
Should be "your".

Isn't the Clover dead? The current head of Finance is apparently unknown.

Maria frowned at this answer.
Isn’t her name “Marina“?

As soon I finish filling up my backpack
Richard omitted a second "as" here.

She know she will be charged ...
Doesn’t Richard know that third person singular present tense should be "knows"?

Something that you seems to understand.
Doesn’t Igor know that second person plural present tense should be "seem"?

That was then he saw that it was emitting some smoke and sparks.
I think this should be either "That was when he saw ..." or just "Then he saw ...".

... this thing was revised just before we had it ...
"... just before we got it ..." may be a better choice of word.

"... No. just no," Marina said watching, the Dojimas’ house.
The second comma is misplaced; it should be between "said" and "watching".

We can just kill her like this right now.
Actually, Richard meant "We cannot just kill her like this right now."

Richard as he was searching through his pockets.
Missing word, probably "said".

Hey, miss, did you see the commotion back there?
"Miss" should be capitalized.

... being sent to the the Persona-verse after the most bland death scene ever ...

Well, that was a fun read, although I’m quite lost in unknown games’ worlds.

HG