Subject: Official PPC intelligence report: 'Dead Right'.
Author:
Posted on: 2016-02-22 10:22:00 UTC
Agent Kyaris reporting.
This is a Department of Intelligence report, not a full mission. I felt that an appeal like this deserved some kind of response, so there we go.
hS
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11764515/1/Dead-Right
This is, undoubtedly, one of the worst (best?) badfics I've seen in a good time. I honestly don't know what's worst on this fic. Loki cutting of slaves limbs all willy-nilly, Odin ALLOWING Loki to cut slave's limbs all willy-nilly while on his halls, the sue TRAJECK backstory, Hel's being pretty much the devil, the classic sue appearence, the lack of any explanation as to why she can't die, Odin trying to kill a baby SEVERAL times...
There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this fic. I would normally have a snarky comment about something like this, but honestly, this fic left me speechless.
Just, please, send your most experienced agents. Save these poor, poor canons.
Agent Kyaris reporting.
This is a Department of Intelligence report, not a full mission. I felt that an appeal like this deserved some kind of response, so there we go.
hS
I quite like her speech patterns. Or whatever those are.
Verbal tics?
Bah.
I know someone who talks very similarly, adding heaps of pointless questions to the ends of her sentences.
Yep. This one isn't the worst I've seen, but it's still horrible. Looks like someone could have a bit of fun with it, too, so this might be worth missioning. If only because we'd get to watch our agents sit though it.
The dwarves should have used some of that when they made Gleipnir.
It would fit right in, next to the roots of a mountain and the sound of a cat's footfall.
It's kind of really disturbing to have that happen.
~
I do not have raven hair. Ravens are Odin's pets and tattletales; they are his symbols of oppressive authority and purported wisdom. Their mangy feathers may be an approximation of their hair colour, but that is where the resemblance ends.
Nor is my hair as dark as a stormy night. When my so-called brother has one of his tantrums, filling the skies of the Nine Worlds with thunderclouds and slashing them with lightning, the general result is one of mayhem and sodden ruin. That is not, in point of fact, an appropriate simile for my hair.
Might my hair be midnight? Perhaps - but only the weak and the foolish try to hide their plans under the cover of night. Far better to carry out your intrigue in broad daylight, and see how far the naive gods of Asgard will bend to keep from admitting what you are doing.
My hair is not the same shade as coal, the dirty, inefficient fuel source of a pathetic race. It is not filled with the shadows of the deep places, for in my birthplace the caves are of ice, and blue-green light fills them. It is not as black as the void, that empty waste which no civilized race would ever deign to enter.
You pitiable humans, living out your mayfly lives on your fragile world, filling your brief hours with petty squabbles, have no concept of how important words can be. Words can bring down empires; they can corrupt the pure-hearted and reduce the strong to tears. Find the right words, and you can snuff out the stars.
My hair is as black as my hate. That is all that needs to be said.
~
Because words are important, and comparisons should not be made without proper planning.
(With bonus shout-outs to J.R.R. Tolkien and Diane Duane, though they're pretty oblique.)
hS
"Both rings were round, and there the resemblance ends." -J.R.R. Tolkien, on the (lack of) connection between the One Ring and the Ring of the Nibelungs.
hS
"Find the right words, and you can snuff out the stars." Reference to one of the names of the Lone Power? ^_^
Though given that the people involved in that line are Loki and the LP, I... don't think you'll want whatever prize they're giving out.
hS
But still, the point of the PPC is to have fun, not to be hell-bent on sporking every badfic known to mankind. While it would be rather interesting to see that happen, we aren't those people. Anyhow, sure, I'll look at it.
... that 'This poor canon needs saving right now, send your best agents!' is a formulation that's been used since Jay and Acacia were running around. It's not something you need to smack down. ;)
hS
We don't normally mission badfic because it's awful and it needs to die. Most of the time, we only tackle badfic that we know we can wrangle a good story out of.
So if someone wants to pick this up then there's nothing stopping them, but reporting badfic doesn't mean it'll get sporked.
Yeah, going after a story out of pure hate, rather than because you think you can make it entertaining, is exhausting.