Subject: Thank you.
Author:
Posted on: 2016-01-28 19:51:00 UTC
First one was a way for me to read the charges at them all at the same time without letting them time to react, and the second one was just too ironic for being ignored.
Where two newbies are sent to address a Wrong Start.
This time, everything should be alright.
... that wasn’t SPaG-related while beta-reading, I’m back to say at least what I liked most: Richard’s unsuspicious way of reading the charge list in the presence of a canon character, and giving the fake goblins to the true goblins.
HG
First one was a way for me to read the charges at them all at the same time without letting them time to react, and the second one was just too ironic for being ignored.
SkarmorySilver's already covered the thing with the bold-text-clouds, which, I admit, do tend to make my eyes sort of glaze over. Other than that, (and SPaG problems I'm probably too stupid to notice) my only problem is Officer Murphy/Harvey.
I understand that I'm not a badass. That word cannot be applied to me. I could be bad, easy. An ass, done. Badass? No.
I can figure that Harvey, police officer, over here, probably has greater mental fortitude than some nobody teenager in Western Sydney, but I still feel like his reaction to 'Your entire existence is a lie, you can join out interdimensional organisation, or we can erase your memory, also, there are still things that we consider weird,' being a Matrix reference and what was essentially 'Oh, okay. Sure.' is a little bit odd.
Otherwise, I enjoyed it. I especially like one of the starting lines: 'Agent Richard Legard, who currently resembled a walking pile of his luggage,'
I can't put my finger on it.
Well, I can, but if I did I would sound sort of pretentious, so I won't.
I mean, I'm not sure about how rewriting his recruitement. Guess I'll have to be more careful for the next time.
Also, this line? Real-life experience. I cannot go between my parents' house and my appartment without getting far too much luggage. I am always told that I'm carrying far too much...
Were I writing it, I probably would have made him go into a sort of confused denial - thinking the entire thing is a dream until actually ending up in PPC headquarters, and then reacting accordingly (plenty of screaming and curling into foetal positions and whatnot,) maybe pop him into ficpsych for a bit, that sort of thing.
I say 'were I writing it,' because, obviously, there are other, probably better ways of going about it, and I only considered it going this way because that's how I imagine myself in such a situation, and because it gives quite a lot of comedic opportunity.
I also just feel that a hard boiled police officer type would probably react that way, as opposed to say, fainting, or going kill-crazy, or making movie references and just going along with it.
Mind you, it's still YOUR guy we're going on about, here. If anyone should have control over YOUR guy, I would hope it was YOU.
I almost always never bring anything anywhere. I forget my wallet half the time I leave the house. So, if any of you want to try mugging me, don't bother. I'm prepared. Well, I'm not prepared, is the point.
I have never read the Dresden Files, but I still found this pretty entertaining and, for your agents, a Right Start as it were. The only big thing that bothered me reading this mission was the fact that a lot of the excerpts were put in completely intact, resulting in large walls of boldface text, but I think that can be fixed in future missions. Don't be afraid to use an ellipsis in brackets to cut out parts of an excerpt you don't need - page space isn't a priority (aside from overall mission length), but keeping the reader from getting bored is. ;)
Also, a few SPaG things I've spotted:
(and with much capslock)
Stylistic and humor preference, but I'd go with all-caps for CAPSLOCK.
Getting cornered in an alley, with a desperate run into the Nevernever as your only option, and only then get dropped in a place you never thought existed...
For the sake of parallelism, "get" should be changed to "getting".
“Like this overblown description of sunrise’s effect on enchanted items,” Marina replied.
Should be "of the sunrise's".
Dresden pushed the goblin back with a telekinetic spell before rushing to his car, completely unfazed by its status as a literal blue beetle. Once the small insect was rushing away from the ruckus which had unfolded around his apartment, the agents were finally able to react to this turn of events.
Given that he's implied to have been riding inside the beetle later on, perhaps it would be better to say "Once the giant insect was rushing away..."?
If her brother looked at Marina with surprise, Murphy showed none. “Took enough time. What the matter?”
You mean 'What's the matter?'
There may be some more, but I have to get ready for work tomorrow. Great mission, again! :D
For the other ones, they were narrative choices. Since the Suethor miscapitalized Beetle, I decided to go for the small insect. And since Murphy is possessed at the moment of this dialog, she's talking in the Suethor's style.
I tried my best about quotations, but I wasn't sure what text I should get rid, so...
Wrong Start is more about the meeting between Dresden and Murphy here (and the way they get dropped in the mission too.). I was also trying for an imitaion of Butcher's titles for the Dresden Files here.
However, I'm glad you liked it, and hope I'll always do better the next time.