Agent Vania paused Epic Mickey after a knock sounded at the door—an oddly metallic knock, considering the door itself was fashioned from Generic Surface. She passed Doc, who was reading some murder mystery on the bunk bed, and opened the door.
“would you like some candy” the . . . person . . . standing at the door said. They wore a sickeningly brownish-pink suit and bore an oddly blank, staring expression. They were short and stooped, and had a head covered in brown hair that looked almost like yarn. “i have candy”
“Uh . . .”
“Is it that Sunflower’s Witness again?” called Doc. “Tell her to stop interrupting Canon Research Time™.”
“It’s definitely not the Witness,” Vania said. “What kind of candy are you selling?”
“i have free candy little boy”
“Whoa, now! I usually leave the literary quotes to Doc, but I—”
“NO LIVING MAN AM I!” Doc interjected, standing up in bed.
“. . . Right. Well, I’m certainly not a boy, at any rate. I’m beginning to suspect you’re not a legit candy man. Do you mix it with love and make the world taste good?”
The odd person’s eyes seemed to bug out a moment. “running Friendship Protocol v2.1” The mouth turned up in a smile for just a brief moment, then settled back into emotionlessness. “i am little boy like you”
“Doc? Did you agree to let Chris Hansen set up a sting in our RC and forget to tell me?”
“No . . .” Doc finally got down from the bed and joined Vania at the door. “Who is this?”
“i am little boy like you . . . both”
“God damn it! Seriously?” Vania shouted. “Are you a badly described parody clone of Professor Oak? Look!” She started lifting up her shirt, but Doc blocked her arms.
“Wait! Do you smell hot dogs, Vania?”
She sniffed. “The air does seem a bit . . . meaty, doesn’t it?”
“there is only free smell of free candy”
“♪Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam♪”
Behind the odd person, six Vikings marched through the hallway, swinging their broad arms back and forth with elbows crooked as they sang.
“♪Lovely spam, wonderful spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam . . .♪”
The singing faded away as the Vikings moved further down the hall.
“this is coincidence”
Vania batted her eyelashes. “Doc, please bring me my pen.”
“You want a pen?”
“I want my BIG, WOODEN PEN, Doc.”
“Oh! Of course.”
As Doc retreated back into his RC to find Vania’s baseball bat, the odd person’s eyes bulged out again. “yes free candy for boys just go to double-u double-u double-u dot dot dot dot dot . . .”
Vania’s bat had interrupted the individual’s speech by way of decapitation. The standing torso’s neck oozed pinkish meat while the wire-filled head stuttered on the floor. “. . . dot dot candy free candy frandy frandy—” The head was interrupted a second time by its body toppling backwards and crushing it.
“It was a—”
“I figured it out from context, Vania.”
“Let’s just be thankful it’s gone now,” Vania said.
“And hopefully, it’s an isolated incident,” Doc replied.
A metallic clanging echoed into their RC. Both agents leaned out, where they observed that every RC door in the hallway had an odd person standing before it, knocking at it.
“Doc, get on ICEP and contact DoSAT. Then open a portal to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. I’m getting some candy out of this, damn it!”
“♪Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam . . .♪”