I'm glad the end of the world didn't stop you from going for Permission. *g* And may I say that I look forward to seeing that fic sporked. I glanced at it just to see what fandom it was, and then the level of sheer nonsense kept me reading. "Emerald" is short for "Esmeralda"? She and Draco and Blaise—or is it Blaze?—Zambini are reincarnations of some sort? What? {X D I love how she mysteriously has nothing against Muggles and Muggleborns despite being raised by the Malfoys from the tender age of one. And how most of chapter five is word for word from the book.
Anyway! The agents and writing sample look pretty good, though you (and your betas) need to keep an eye on your end-dialogue punctuation. There are several commas that should be periods and vice versa. Here follow several examples with their corrections below:
* “Hmm,” the man looked thoughtful.
** "Hmm." The man looked thoughtful. [You can't speak a thoughtful look, or "hmm" one, either.]
* “Fine.” he sighed.
** "Fine," he sighed. -OR- "Fine." He sighed. [Either he said "Fine" on a heavy exhale, or he said "Fine" and then sighed.]
* “Okay by me.” She replied and she pushed him through the portal.
** "Okay by me," she replied, and she pushed him through the portal. -OR- "Okay by me," she replied, then pushed him through the portal. [The second is less redundant and flows better, IMO.]
* “Guess what!” the woman grinned at Will, giving him an uneasy feeling.
** "Guess what!" The woman grinned at Will, giving him an uneasy feeling. [You can't speak a grin.]
* “You get to go see the Marquis de Sod!” she grabbed Will’s robe and pushed him out the door, slamming it behind him.
** "You get to go see the Marquis de Sod!" She grabbed Will's robe and pushed him out the door, slamming it behind him. [You can't speak a grab, either.]
* “Well, that’s not normal.” Will said to himself.
** "Well, that's not normal," Will said to himself. [You can speak to yourself.]
* “I was brought here on the threat of death, then sent to find a Marquis after being locked out and denied directions.” Will replied in a defensive tone.
** "I was brought here on the threat of death, then sent to find a Marquis after being locked out and denied directions," Will replied in a defensive tone. [You can also speak a reply.]
* Get lost. It replied, and Will stalked out the doorway, slamming the door behind him.
** Get lost, it replied, and Will stalked out the doorway, slamming the door behind him. [See previous note.]
If there's anything you don't understand, let me know and I'll try to explain better. {= )
Also, one more thing:
* “Not a clue. Can you help me find the Marquis?” There was another almost-sigh from the flower.
I am the Marquis de Sod, head of the Department of Personnel. From the agents’ behavior as well as your own, I can see that you are a new recruit. Name?
There's no reason not to put the flower's action (the sigh) with the flower's dialogue here. It's a new sentence, so putting it on the next line with the matching dialogue wouldn't disrupt anything. I seem to be in the minority with my opinion that people should stick to their own paragraphs generally, but that doesn't mean breaking up people's dialogue and actions willy-nilly is a good idea. {= P
Aside from that, nothing really jumps out at me as a problem. Heartfelt thanks for using paragraph indentations, though, since you aren't using double-breaks between paragraphs. It's nice to know the indent isn't a lost art. {= )
~Neshomeh