Before more students see this

Subject: Before more students see this
Author: Hieronymus Graubart
Posted on: 2015-11-27 18:34:00 UTC

Today, your students either become qualifies fanfiction writers, or are banned from fanfic forever.
Shouldn’t this be "qualified"?

Since I’m neither a goblin nor an OFU coordinator, I abstain from taking the other tests. Doing too much arithmancy isn’t fun. (But reading through the test papers is.)

HG

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Wednesday Pluggage: Er... OFU test papers? by Huinesoron on 2015-11-25 14:01:00 UTC Reply

Numerology 101 Pop Quiz (OFUM)

Mathematics for Goblins (The REAL OFUU)

Mathematics Course (OFU²)

The backstory here is that someone needed sample maths tests that followed a specific model, of which there was only one example. I could have just made boring 'if Albert has three apples'-type sample papers... but why would you ever imagine I'd do that?

(If you're planning to take the tests, be aware that, as Dr Huinesoron would say, 'there are no right answers - just the answers we want, and the ones that will get you thrown to the minis...')

hS

My answers for OFUM. by Hardric on 2015-11-30 13:37:00 UTC Reply

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Task 1

1460 mL of miruvor are needed, although the idea of only one emergency ration for a whole party shows that Lord Elrond can be quite greedy with this drink. If he really wants to keep it that much, why did he not use his first option of sending Dwarves?

Task 2

13 marchwardens are needed, but if Lord Celeborn feels himself superstitious, and he's ready to give up some ground, it can be cut down to 6 marchwardens. Lothlorien will need them when Sauron's forces launch their attacks.

Task 3

The purely arithmetic answer is 10 attacks. However, I recommend wiping them out, not letting half of them going away like this. Besides, the scouts must have sight problems, because this party is made up of orcs, not Uruk-hai. Make sure they're not a scouting party from Dol Guldur.

Task 4

125 miles from Minas Tirith. Less for the ones who who went to Cair Andros.

Task 5

1554 orcs survived officially. Unofficially, killing each other and making a really bad job of painting this place with their blood, earning by the way execution for the survivors, Sauron need sending new hosts for orcing this place, lest some little hobbits pass unscathed in Mordor.

Task 6

84 wagonloads must be prepared. Famine strikes Pelargir though, because Imrahil and Dol Amroth's army need the additional supplies too. And the corsairs are left with nothing. A clever plan indeed.

Task 7

42 cakes of cram are needed. However, it would be more wise for these Elves to wait the war for heroically fleeing Middle Earth while other people kill Sauron for them and the Valar.

Task 8

Mathematics say 70 days, but we're talking about Hobbits there. How in the name of Eru could one of them not eat these mushrooms before getting hte total needed? Real answer would be never.

Task 9

8 hours and 15 minutes. This one earned his beer.

Task 10

37.44 gallons. Now, what's the matter with Elven nobles and alcohol? Thranduil is clearly using this human wine in order to keep the Elven wine for himself. He could not be evil, but he's greedy when t comes to his drink, eh?

Task 11

The answer is, of course, 11. How could we forget Bill the Poney (especially since he's so good with darts when you piss him off), and the true Tenth Walker, Gollum (Like it or not, the old little mutant Hobbit did save the day at the end.)

OFU squared answers. by Hardric on 2015-11-30 14:13:00 UTC Reply

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Task 1

I should make room for 91 students. However, we're talking about fanbrats. Half this number will cost less, and let them learn basic truths about these 'one bed' arrangements (Namely, that's not so comfortable.).

Task 2

15 meters width. Now let's see how many fall before the tenth turn...

Task 3

2 hours and 20 minutes of homework. No time left for detention though. Oh, they'll sleep less then...

Task 4

62+12= 74. 6 more students are needed in order to rescue the poor minis. Next step, discussing with the Headmaster for creating flying minis who would respect canon. Keep the hole too, since it can make up for a perfect detention spot.

Task 5

2286 kilojoules. Note to self; ditch that american junk and get an actual tool calibrated with universal system for this work. An OFU cannot work with such material, that's for glitterbags!

Task 6

223.20-(25*6)=73.20F. Now for the money, perhaps we could add some lines about an inscription fee somewhere with micro printing...

Task 7

Only 56 days?! They need to pass this exam now! (Imprisoned students fail their semester, and then need to be here next year to get their licence. 'The minis are mean' will not be accepted as an excuse.)

Task 8

117 badfics fewer than two years ago. We can makes it better though. Now where is this naagloshi?

Task 9

8 hours and 40 minutes. That won't do however, this fanbrat can use up the time she needs for sleeping, but the extra 40 minutes belong to the OFU. Get her, now!

Task 10

305 minutes, a platoon of minis and more time from the students' sleeping time are needed. And a guest agent of the PPC for additional warning and education, of course.

hS, you're awesome. by Alleb on 2015-11-28 17:03:00 UTC Reply

I got quite a laugh out of these; it makes me want to prepare DOFA math papers!

"If Tiana has to bake three beignets for each canon, and there are thirty three main canons in DOFA, plus three secondary characters for each, and Tiana can make fifteen beignets at a time, how many batches will she need to make to satisfy each canon in DOFA? For extra credit: How many will she have left over for the mini-Brooms to clean, and if a team of five minis can clean up ten beignets in two minutes, how long will it take?"

-Alleb
Before more students see this by Hieronymus Graubart on 2015-11-27 18:34:00 UTC Reply

Today, your students either become qualifies fanfiction writers, or are banned from fanfic forever.
Shouldn’t this be "qualified"?

Since I’m neither a goblin nor an OFU coordinator, I abstain from taking the other tests. Doing too much arithmancy isn’t fun. (But reading through the test papers is.)

HG

Thank you! Fixed that one. (nm) by Huinesoron on 2015-11-30 11:45:00 UTC Reply

Well done indeed. by JulyFlame on 2015-11-27 17:50:00 UTC Reply

I haven't been able to look at them until just now, since PDFs and ship computers/internet do not play nicely together (ship computers do not play nicely with much actually) but the OFUM one in particular is excellent, and your trademark wit shines through with all of them.

-July, who isn't going to get fooled into doing maths in her spare time
Re: Wednesday Pluggage: Er... OFU test papers? by Hieronymus Graubart on 2015-11-26 22:28:00 UTC Reply

So I took this test. OFUU und OFU-squared have to wait for another day. Also, in case somebody else wants to take the test
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Task 1
1 Sindar first day .......: 150 ml
Two more days: 2 * 230 ml = 460 ml
Emergency ration .......: + 240 ml
Miruvor for one Sindar ...: 850 ml
Lord Elrond should prepare 2 * 850 ml = 1700 ml Miruvor.

Task 2
Mylord, if you send the marchwardens forward across the river, 6 guards on the path that is 1200 m long should be sufficient.

[unfrozen] 200m 200m 200m 200m 200m 200m [unfrozen]

Task 3
Too many. Assuming that most valiant knights can probably slay one Uruk-hay per attack, there are not many more than 8 knights. Since the orcs will not just stand still and accept being slain, Erkenbrand's knights will probably all be killed before half the Uruk-hay lie dead.

Task 4
Marks are set every 10 miles, as is easily seen from counting the marks between 100 miles and 160 miles. The army's position appears to be approximately 85 miles from Minas Tirith. If the army marches north another 40 miles, they will have come approximately 125 miles from Minas Tirith. (But if my map isn't wrong, they should turn right early on the second day.)

Task 5
15 hosts * 200 orcs per host = 3000 orcs are sent to work.
Foundations .......: 254 deaths
Keep ..............: 312 deaths
Outer walls ........: 65 deaths
Towers and turrets : 157 deaths
Painting it black: + 658 deaths
Total deaths .....: 1446
3000 – 1446 = 2554 orcs will survive if they don't kill each other for reasons independent of the construction work.

Task 6
Don't bother. The corsairs will take it all anyway.

Task 7
12 * 3.5 = 42 cakes of cram are required for a journey from the Woodland Realm to the Grey Havens, but are you even allowed to go there if you aren't an elf, and why wouldn't an elf have lembas?

Task 8
70 days (42000 g divided by 600 g per day).

Task 9
To the mines: 0h 25m
Quarrying ..: 2h 30m
Forging ....: 4h 45m
Back .....: + 0h 35m
Total ......: 8h 15m

Task 10
Festival : 64.92 gallons
Ordinary – 27.48 gallons
Extra ...: 37.44 gallons

Task 11
Everybody should know that there were nine walkers and a girl riding a unicorn, but since I'm running out of time I can't tell u the ful storie.

HG

And now: your score. by Huinesoron on 2015-11-30 12:26:00 UTC Reply

PAPER: Numerology 101 Pop Quiz. That's a very uninformative title - Lord Elrond does these every other day - but it's all they've given me.

STUDENT: 'Hieronymus Graubart'. Can't decide whether this is more or less imaginative than the usual 'Fancytail Fairypants' pSuedonyms.

MARKER: External assessor Huinesoron (Admin, OFUDisc). For my sins (and a bit more cash than the OFU can afford).

1.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 1700ml
PROVIDED ANSWER: 1460ml
COMMENTS: Student has provided the emergency ration (intended to be one per scout party) twice, once for each scout. If H.G. was in charge of Rivendell's supplies, Lord Elrond would not be able to have a quiet drink at the end of the day. I don't imagine he'll be pleased by this.

2.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 6.
PROVIDED ANSWER: 13.
COMMENTS: The student has adopted the unorthodox method of stationing the marchwardens off the riverbank. It's unclear how Lord Celeborn will take this suggestion, but I have to applaud the ingenuity.

3.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 'Too many'.
PROVIDED ANSWER: 10.
COMMENTS: The student observes that Erkenbrand's riders will be slain before the enemy war-party is halved. This is a grievous slight on the Marshal of the West-mark, and he will doubtless be visiting H.G. to avenge his honour.

4.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 125
PROVIDED ANSWER: 125
COMMENTS: The first 'correct' answer. The student proceeds to nitpick Lord Elrond's cartography, which - while entirely correct - is somewhat rude when addressed to a veteran of the Battle of Dagorlad.

5.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 2554
PROVIDED ANSWER: 1554
COMMENTS: Alas, the student makes a simple arithmatic error here. He does, however, redeem himself somewhat with a pithy comment on the nature of orcs.

6.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 'Don't bother'.
PROVIDED ANSWER: 84.
COMMENTS: H.G. adds Lord Denethor and Prince Imrahil, among other lords of Southern Gondor, to the list of those he has offended. To imply that the folk of the south would fail in their duty over the threat of invasion from Umbar is a grievous slight.

7.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 42.
PROVIDED ANSWER: 42.
COMMENTS: Another correct answer, though the student forgets that lembas might only be cooked by the queens of the Eldar, who are notably lacking in the Greenwood.

8.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 70
PROVIDED ANSWER: 70
COMMENTS: As H.G. had no comment, nor do I.

9.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 8h 15m
PROVIDED ANSWER: 8h 15m
COMMENTS: It seems that H.G.'s expertise lies mostly with short people, judging by his performance in the last two questions.

10.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 37.44
PROVIDED ANSWER: 37.44
COMMENTS: Perhaps I should use this space to invent the first line of a bestselling children's novel. Let me think... 'It was a dark and stormy once upon a time...'

11.
STUDENT'S ANSWER: 10
PROVIDED ANSWER: (9. 9. 9!!!
COMMENTS: Oh dear.

TOTAL SCORE: 5/11
TOTAL OFUM STAFF MORTALLY OFFENDED: 4+.

hS

(PS: Thank you for doing this. It was hilarious. ^_^)

Did I pass then? by Hieronymus Graubart on 2015-12-01 08:14:00 UTC Reply

Five-of-eleven doesn’t look too bad – although Seven-of-nine is hotter – and Lord Elrond doesn’t want me to return next year, right?

Yeah, I’m good at offending authorities. Must be a special hermit’s ability.

Now, about this unicorn and her girl ... Excuse me, somebody’s knocking at my door.

(Thanks for creating the opportunity.)

HG

No. You shall not pass. by Lord Elrond Peredhel on 2015-12-01 10:36:00 UTC Reply

You failed miserably. Your score is now 5/12, for not understanding that the pass mark is of course 9.

To compensate for this vulgar failure, you will now read the first nine chapters of Minë, Neldë, Nertë: The Symbolism of Numbers in Arda, and write a 9000-word report on the nine most significant numbers in the history of Middle-earth.

Elrond Peredhel
Lord of Imladris
Numerology 101 Professor

These are fantastic! by doctorlit on 2015-11-26 16:23:00 UTC Reply

I love all the different groups and settings you managed to work into the OFUM test, and the variety of question setups you used in the OFUU one. That's especially impressive, considering Labyrinth's single movie doesn't have nearly the same amount of material as Tolkien's stuff.

The OFU-squared one is especially delightful in how nonchalant it is about the implied abuse of students. I wish I had the time and the ink money to print these all out and work through them in long-hand! Maybe someday.

Incidentally, I can't find the OFUU anywhere through Google, just the Labyrinth Academy where we get the minis on the wiki. Do you have a link to OFUU?

—doctorlit would love to write an OFU someday, but doesn't have the time to keep up with it properly right now.

Thank you! by Huinesoron on 2015-11-27 14:48:00 UTC Reply

OFUU is an interesting case: it kind of exists in potentia. Kaitlyn got permission from Miss Cam to write a Labyrinth OFU, but never did; a couple of years later, Fou Fou wrote her version.

As you can imagine, this has left Miss Kaye and her staff royally ticked off.

Miss Kaye lent heavily on her desk and glowered at the intruder. "You've found a what?"

Unfortunately, the intruder in question was named Sarah, and having fought her way through the Labyrinth to rescue her baby brother, was not particularly intimidated by a frizzy-haired girl who thought corset-print t-shirts were the height of fashion. "Another Labyrinth OFU," she repeated. "They call themselves the Labyrinth Academy."

"Hmph. They can't be much good," Miss Kaye sniffed. "They must have, what, a staff entirely made up of goblins and those weird pixie things that move floor tiles around?"

"Nope." Sarah paused, smiling slightly. "They've got the full staff. My... contact says their Goblin King gets stampeded regularly by fangirls and has a feud going with Hoggle."

"What." Miss Kaye grabbed a random sheet of paper off her desk, crumpled it up savagely in one hand, and threw it at the wall. As it bounced unheeded to the floor (to be collected by a small goblin who thought it the best toy she'd ever seen), the Course Coordinator stood up and strode out from behind the desk. "So Jareth is moonlighting, is he? I can't say I'm surprised; but Hoggle?" She shook her head. "So where are they hiding out? It's the oubliette, isn't it? It's always the oubliette."

"They're in the castle beyond the goblin city," Sarah said airily. "You're not getting it, Miss Kaye. They're in an alternate Labyrinth - another Word World, if I'm remembering what those PPC agents called it."

"What?" Now Miss Kaye looked bewildered. "I thought you meant... but we're official! Miss Cam herself gave me this role! What right have they to start there own OFU?"

There was a sound from the door - the sound of an incredibly suave ego-on-legs arriving. "It's hardly surprising," the Goblin King said, leaning against the doorframe and rolling a crystal across his knuckles. "It isn't as though our university ever opened..."

"We're getting there!" Miss Kaye snapped, then swallowed hard. "I mean... we're getting there, your majesty," she said in a much more controlled voice. "There are organisational-"

"Thirteen years," the Goblin King cut in, the crystal vanishing from his fingertips. "Thirteen years you have been 'getting there'. I don't usually allow visitors more than thirteen hours. My patience is... wearing thin."

"I understand that," Miss Kaye said, her voice subdued. "I... I'll speed things up, I promise."

"See that you do." The Goblin King straightened up, and his gaze latched on to Sarah. "Well, Sarah?" he said. "Shall we take our leave?"

Sarah didn't move for a moment. Then she nodded at Miss Kaye, turned, and hurried out of the door - the other door.

"Hm." The Goblin King looked at his fingers, as if expecting to see something there. "Well. Carry on, Miss Kaye." And, crossing the stone floor, he headed off after Sarah."

That snippet probably isn't canon, but it showcases how I'm likely to treat OFUU if I ever feel like writing it: a Coordinator who's utterly intimidated by her staff, characters holding tightly to their movie personalities, nothing from outside the movies (no 'Williams' surname for Sarah, no romance between them beyond what's suggested by the film, and Jareth - who isn't usually called by name - is not a nice person)... yeah.

But odds are Miss Kaye will show up long before her OFU does.

hS

Well, I like your version, for the record. by doctorlit on 2015-11-28 02:41:00 UTC Reply

I didn't even realize "Williams" never appeared in the movie, actually. Where did that come from?

But I agree that actually shipping Sarah with Jareth is . . . too many kinds of gross.

—doctorlit can be so cruel, just as your eyes can—wait. That's backwards.

'Williams'. by Huinesoron on 2015-11-30 11:41:00 UTC Reply

It's as close to canon as makes no difference - it's in the initial script (which also reveals that Sarah's mother was an actress). I have no problems at all with it being her canonical surname - but for OFUU, if it's not in the film as shown, it's not used. Same goes for the extended Firey sequence and the actual meaning of 'sometimes the way forward is also the way back' from the novelisation.

Jareth/Sarah shipping... well, the potential is there. Jareth either feels something or wants Sarah to believe he does (see: Within You), and Sarah... hard to say. Her performance at the beginning of the film suggests someone who wants to fall in love with the Goblin King, but then she grows up...

Come to think of it, Jareth's 'affection' seems to grow over the course of the film. I think there's a plot-nuzgul in 'as his desire for her grows, she grows beyond desiring a fairytale'; it certainly fits the 'mirror' theme of the film.

hS

Yeah, I kind of see it as by doctorlit on 2015-11-30 14:02:00 UTC Reply

representative of the fact that Sarah had become so attached to the fairy tale stuff, that she wasn't allowing herself to emotionally mature beyond it. So Jareth's regard for her is in the form of an unhealthy relationship that's all in service to the fantasy world, through its ruler, and not actually good for Sarah herself; hence, why she has to learn to reject it.

—doctorlit may be too little awake for this to make sense, hopes it isn't flat-out gibberish.