Hoom, hoom. Let's see here...

-Your writing is full of run-on sentences.

-You have created a couple of minis (Rudy's and Bei Fong, to be exact).

-Your writing is full of awkward phrasing; Richard's speech pattern is particularly grating.

-There are places where your paragraphing doesn't make sense (such as putting a line break between a speaker's actions and not between speakers).

-You mention Marina taking an M1911. From where? Out of thin air?

-It's odd for Richard to say that the PPC is basically all about Sues, especially since he's in Floaters and isn't a complete newbie.

-It's also weird for him to get training because he's from World One — agents get training if they're lucky. If not and they're lucky, they're assigned to an experienced partner. However, training is definitely not universal. Also, "basic training" usually means military boot camp and the PPC is not an army.

-You say that Marina's family is linked to the Philadelphia Mafia. The thing is that the Philly Mob is basically all but dead today; this doesn't make a lot of sense.

-Apropos the Mafia, saying that she's related to the Scarfo family is a bit weird, since the Dresdenverse is Like Reality Unless Noted and the Scarfos have a well-documented family tree; you're altering history, and it serves little purpose.

-While it's nice to see that my disclaimer style is appealing, you should have changed the formatting so it would conform with yours.

-Richard's list of favourites is a bit long, and I think it beats the point of "favourites". Unless he's really not picky, and I didn't get that vibe from him.

-Marina's long list of favourites doesn't make any sense since she wasn't exposed to other universes before — how'd she know about Nico Robin if she didn't watch One Piece?

-I don't know the Dresdenverse particularly well — I've only read the first book — but I did ask Firemagic and she pointed the following things out:
--Water magic is pretty hard to use, on the account of water rejecting magic. That's jarring considering that Marina is a newbie.
--Making new foci in HQ isn't impossible, merely hard.

-Stuff like Richard's comment on the Flowers, the way the broken console throws up sparkles and Richard's almost-obligatory training make me think you're not quite clear on the details of how the PPC works.

So: your SPaG needs work and you need to do your research. Permission Denied.

PS: Tira and Dorano, it is expected from you as betas to catch SPaG mistakes, especially since Hardic specifically asked for SPaG betas. Not catching a few mistakes is OK — nobody's perfect — but not catching this many? This isn't quality betaing.