Subject: Yeah... my SPaG tends to fall apart when I'm tired.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-10-12 21:25:00 UTC
And I'm not saying that I still think that, I was saying that that's what I thought as a kid, and therefore I haven't seen or played any.
I would like to thank eatpraylove, my wonderful Big Sib, for betaing my agent bios and prompts.
Agents from RC 1822
Prompts
Atrocious monstrosity of a Sailor Moon Bleepfic provoking unmeasurable levels of killing intent (NSFW, NSFB)
- JS, who is currently downing his nth huge cup of extra- strong Hot Bleepolate as a result of reading the above Bleepfic yet again.
I need at least one beta with full knowledge of Digimon Adventure and 02. A few more people to help with SpaG, flow and problematic sentence and paragraph constructions would also very much appreciated.
It may or may not have to do with the fact that I always considered it an odd knock off of Pokemon. Just go ahaid and click my name that should be able to send an email to me thank you.
I think that at this point most of the major issues, including SPaG, have been solved with Skarmory's help.
I mean, you're making like three fairly obvious SPaG errors in one sentence - the sentence in which you *offer your services as a SPaG beta*. Also, that's a weirdly misinformed thing to say about Digimon, and this comes from one of the Board's resident Pokémon game freaks. Digimon has a lot to recommend it.
Unless you're Leomon.
And I'm not saying that I still think that, I was saying that that's what I thought as a kid, and therefore I haven't seen or played any.
I might require your services if I don't get granted Permission this time around.
My thoughts follow:
AGENTS
Aiko seems to be a fairly good start for a character. Her personality seems like it would make for many good prompts. I do have a few canonical concerns, however. If she spent 10 years in the Nursery before becoming an agent, that means she would have been found in 1995. A cursory Internet search tells me that Digimon technically did not exist until 1999 (or 1997 if you want to count the original toys). There's also the PPC canon issue. If she joined the PPC so early (even as a kid), she would have been through some of the biggest events in PPC history (such as the Reorganization). That's something that needs to be considered when suggesting such an early recruitment. Relatedly, I'm assuming that Anju is a character you want to bring in later? While there's nothing that strictly forbids using a non-canonical species amalgam, I'm a little iffy on the concept.
Henry seems all right, but I feel like there's a possible contradiction between "very blunt" and "restrained around sensitive people." I would emphasize his propensity for verbal gaffes to have that make more sense.
PROMPTS
I noticed a scattering of technical errors (such as on the first page, second paragraph: "It seemed to even more confusing..." There is a missing "be" after the to.) Some of the paragraphs and sentences were awkwardly constructed, such as this one:
He realized his mistake when Anju glared at him and Aiko’s eyes got big and shiny. “What?! No! You don’t even know me! How can you say something like that?”
A character's speech and actions should be connected. The preceding paragraph makes it sound as if Henry was the one talking rather than Aiko. Everything also seemed a bit stilted, which possibly ties into the previously mentioned awkward constructions.
As for the stories themselves, they worked fairly well. I like the interactions between Aiko and Anju. Aiko's consideration nature was very well displayed in her get to Henry.
BADFIC
Yeah, that works for PPC purposes.
Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say that your permission request is denied. Your writing needs a bit more polish before I'd be comfortable giving you the final thumbs up. You should also consider going back and tweaking Aiko's backstory to fit both Digimon and the PPC. If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know. I'm more than willing to help.
PC
First of all: 1995 was twenty years ago? Stars and water! Where did the time go? :-/
On-topic: I don't think there's a problem with backdating an agent's recruitment, even by a long time. Most - to be honest, I think all - of my agents are backdated from their introduction, in some cases a loooong way. 'Oldbie + newbie' is a fairly classic agent setup.
That said, it does mean paying attention to what the PPC was like back then. If your agent was here before 2006, they lived through Crashing Down. If they were here before 2008, they were there for the macrovirus epidemic. If they were there before 2013, they were around when the Blackout cut HQ into chunks and meatloaf roamed the corridors. Heck, if they were around before last month, they know what it's like to be randomly moved into someone else's body. There's always things to consider.
Anju: Badfic refugees come in a lot of unnatural kinds. We have a telepathic horse, an evil(er) Son of Feanor, a Phantom of the Pernese Opera, several goddesses... I don't think 'uncanonical Digimon' (or whatever) is terribly out of place. ^_~
hS
I will have to think about the repercussions of her joining
at any given earlier than 2013 time and reconcile it with the age she was in her homefic, which was eight as previously stated.
Also, re:agent dating, I personally feel that your own creative history can also make a useful reference if you plan to conscript characters you already created prior to joining the Board, especially when it comes to salvaging creations who would otherwise have been abandoned. The earliest time that any of my agents would have arrived was likely 2013, given how Lapis stayed in HQ for two years prior to starting her agent career, though knowing Rashida, Tianlong, and how I retired from DeviantArt and active badfic creation in late 2012, it's possible that they may have started trickling in a bit earlier. So I suppose a few of them may have likely experienced the Blackout, but given how I wasn't there to see the RP, there wouldn't have been Ant major involvement on their part. I also didn't feel confident in handling any previous major events, so it's likely that they arrived after them.
Also, I can help out with SPaG and character refining if you like! My address is skarmorysilver (at) Gmail (dot) com, substituting punctuation as appropriate.
If she spent 10 years in the Nursery before becoming an agent, that means she would have been found in 1995.
Not to be a jerk, or interfere in the Permission process, but I think your math is off by a bit. Unless I'm missing something, if she spent ten years in the nursery, wouldn't that mean she needed to have been found in 2005? 1995 is twenty years ago.
Let that be a lesson to everyone: never try to do math at the end of a long day. Yes, it would be 2005. I would still warn against putting newly created agents origins back more than a couple years, but there's no issues with Digimon canon.
That correction being stated, I would still say that the writing needs work. Permission is still denied.
I actually did find it odd that you said 1995, but I chalk it up to the PPC running on some sort of delayed timeline or something.
I understand the issues with a newly created agent living throught such major events. It's just that 1) As I far I remember, the fic I am basing myself is about 9-10 years old and 2) Hikaru Takaishi was eight years old throught the whole thing. So I am still a bit unsure about what to do to fix it. Any advice?
I wasn't expecting a change in decision or anything, but I just wanted to point out the math error so it didn't propagate or something.
I really didn't consider the implications of her being recruited that long ago. I will go back and have her be a little older when she joined.
I can see that there would problems when it comes to Anju, since things are supposed to as canonical as possible. The thing is, I am basically loosely basing myself on a fic that actually exists for this backstory and Anju's existence and I am unsure how to change things around so that they can properly fit.
The problems with SPaG and flow should be easier to fix compared to the above issues. I might require some additional betas to help deal with
such issues however, specially with flow, as well someone who is more familiar with Digimon than my current beta is.