What happened to the pug?

Also, I found the Grand Hall scene pretty cute.

As for the fic you sporked, my god. That was atrocious.

Did the badfic say that the Sue is a heavy sleeper? Lavender, Parvati and Hermione apparently got up in time to have breakfast and then go to the Potions class. Could the Sue really sleep through all the noise they probably made? Would Lavender and Parvati not try to shake her awake when she obviously oversleeps? (Hermione is evil in this fic, thus it’s possible she wouldn’t.)

Assuming that Dumbledore’s stupid plan to get the Sue and Harry into his office by making her oversleep depended on the other girls letting her oversleep makes this plan even more stupid than it is anyway. So what this comes down to is: I don’t believe that your agents stepped into what looked like the girls’ bedroom. Doing this after the portal had already transported the agents to a Generic Bedroom is also a bit of a continuity error.

With another badfic, I might buy that the Generic Bedroom transformed into the girls’ dormitory when the agents (and the word world) realized that the Sue woke up at Hogwarts. But here, although the Sue didn’t brag about being so speshul that she got a room on her own, and didn’t whine about being segregated from the other girls because she was considered to be a monster, I’m quite sure that she woke up in her private bedroom, not in a dormitory. She probably got her own, private bathroom too.

BTW, I can accept that a Hogwarts setting defaults to Gryffindor Tower if not stated otherwise, but how did your agents figure out that this is Hogwarts rather than the Sue’s home before the end of the first paragraph? IMO it would have been better to keep this in a generic environment until the Sue was reminded that she was late for class.

After this mediocre start, the mission became quite good, although I don’t appreciate everybody utilizing the Room of Requirements. I actually liked the open end, but I wonder what happened or will happen to Triste Malfoy.

I won’t talk about grammar here. I’ll send you an e-mail.

HG

...few, but they're there.

The idea of Muggle Technology classes at Hogwarts.
The idea of a gay-straight alliance at Hogwarts... or the British equivalent, anyhow.
And how would hit men really function in the wizarding world, anyway; couldn't you just Imperius somebody close to the victim? Are there circumstances under which Dumbledore would hire a hit man? Probably not for money, but still...

The writer does nothing with these ideas but turn them into angst and use them to kill the characters they don't like, though. Which is a pity, because they aren't bad ideas as ideas go. Maybe this'll be an old-shame fic for a good writer in the future...

...and not in a good way. Good job killing it.

And it's great to William and V.J. in action.

I don't know what this author was thinking! Half-angel, half-demon has the potential for some interesting plot, but the author is just using it to angst. Pity.

Looking on the bright side, they do seem to have some interesting ideas. Muggle Tech classes at Hogwarts, for example. A gay-straight alliance at Hogwarts. It's just that they're not doing anything interesting with them. They're just... killing off characters they don't like. And poor Hermione...

As for being asexual when you're an angel... Not sure whether to roll my eyes at the sex-is-evil implication or thank the author for mentioning asexuals to begin with. The idea of fluid sexuality is kind of interesting, though--like being genderqueer, but with attraction rather than gender identity? I dunno. Yet another interesting idea that didn't get any play.

My hopes are that this particular author will mature into someone who can write well, because with the interesting ideas spoiled by a Sue, it makes me wonder what this writer could do with some practice.

Electronics working at Hogwarts? Hermione a Death Eater? Luna a vampire? Dumbledore a He-Who-Fights-Monsters mob boss? DOBBY a [Gobbledegook expletive] Death Eater!? +++ !!!!! +++

And as for the angelology and demonology in this fic? +++ Eternal Domain Error. +++

This fic was so stupid that I was literally uttering incoherent gibberish every so often! If even the excerpts made my brain BSOD, then I doubt that I'd be able to survive the undiluted badfic.
Please tell me that this was a troll. I fear for the human race if someone seriously thought that this was good writing!

BTW, You might want to add a NSFB tag to the NSFW one.

As for the mission itself, it was OK, especially for a first. However, there was a whole mess of errors:

1) "Your dads sound cool." He said as they approached the door to Dumbledoor's office. The Sue opened the door and they disappeared behind them. As soon as that happened, William and VJ left their cover and went towards the Generic Courtyard.

Who disappeared from behind whom? And how?

2) The warlock finally removed his hand and let her partner sit on the bench, shoving the mini aside.
I don't think you meant to genderbend William so soon in his PPC career!

3-4) The Room of Requirement had everything the agents needed; apart from a place to sleep, and a small bookshelf, it also contained a wide but shallow basin filled with transparent liquid.
Replace the semicolon with a colon or a period. Delete the comma before "and a small bookshelf".

5-6) Dumbledore calmed the Sue down, and told her she would receive no punishment. Instead, it turned out it was him who messed around with her alarm clock so she would be late to the class, got into an argument with Snape, and eventually be sent here.
First off, there's a tense shift. The full verb is "would get," hence you should have "get" there, not "got".
Secondly, there's a word choice error. You're in the third person and narrating from elsewhere, so you need to replace "here" with "there", "to Dumbledore", or "to Dumbledore's office."

7) “Good call.” The warlock said.
Period-comma substitution. Correct punctuation is thus: "Good call," the warlock said.

8) “S****!” The warlock hissed,
It does not matter whether the quote ends with a comma or with another punctuation mark; if you are adding a tag and the next word is not a proper noun, the word is lowercase.

9) Naturally, she didn’t a lot of convincing and quickly agreed to join the Sue in her shenanigans.
You missed a word.

10) The agents scratched their heads, wondering where this was going, when the Sue deduced that this girl pretty blonde had to be related to Malfoy’s in some way.
Did the first set of underlined words get scrambled? And what's with the random possessive noun?

11) It doesn’t seem like it but we’ve been here for a while, and my stomach’s starting to feel it.
You're missing a comma before "but we've been here for a while."

12) “He could be an under the Imperius.”
Delete the "an."

13) hitmen crew
Multiple times. It should be "hitman crew": when a noun is being used as an adjective, use the singular, never the plural.

14) Tyrone chose a pistol as well and a knife.
Either replace that "and" with an "as" or delete the "as well."

15) “Well, that’s one good news today.”
Missing words: "that's one piece of good news today."

16) William and VJ managed to hide under the Hufflepuff table, when the crew entered.
Delete the comma.

16) The tickling sensation of its pincers against William’s side made the warlock stifle a laughter.
"stifle a laugh" or "stifle his laughter"

17) VJ … shoved the Grand Hall mini into the portal.
…
Suddenly, William felt something nudging his side. He looked to his left, only to see a mini-Aragog who was trying to push forward.
“Hey, lil’ guy.” He poked the mini with a finger. “What’re you doin’?”
“We can’t see, pressciouss… Help usss…” the mini mumbled, still wiggling around. The tickling sensation of its pincers against William’s side made the warlock stifle a laughter.
“Oh, that’s Grand Hall,” explained VJ, looking at the Words. “Yeah, he’s gonna be here for a while, no sense in sending him off just yet.”

Did VJ send Grand Hall through a portal or not? You're contradicting yourself. Please clarify.

18) [The explosion] provided an excellent cover for the agents to escape the Great Hall (and sending Grand Hall to the HFA)
Another tense shift. It should be "send", not "sending".

19) Dumbledore told them here was going to show them something interesting.
I believe you mean "he" instead of "here."

20) They looked like made of neon rope
You missed two words this time: "They looked like they were made of neon rope".

21) Next thing they noticed, was a thick layer of white fog curling by their ankles
Delete the comma.

22) “My magic!” The Sue cried
Please see 8).

23-24) The Sue and Harry quickly pointed their guns at VJ, but when they pulled the triggers they’ve heard only clicking.
Insert a comma after "triggers". It's "they", not "they've".

Wow, Harry defiling his parents' sacrifice, killing Hermione and trying to kill Dobby? Gosh, that fic was really atrocious. Not mention the whole thing with angels, demons and hybrids of the aforementioned and all the Uncanonical powers.

So orphanages in HP fic are enough of a cliche to be a charge? I will have to keep that mind.

Wind Weasel from Ayakashi Ghost Guild.


Dont ask me how i came to that conclusion

(are slow and painless deaths allowed?)

Though I would've liked to see a bit more of a post-mission at least, with the agents returning to their RC and such. The fic itself, of course, was utterly horrifying (i.e. even the excerpts showed how stupid it was), so thank you for sporking it. AFAIK, neither angels nor demons exist in HP, so a hybrid of both is inherently nonsensical.

As for proofreading, though, it looks like you might need a little help with wrangling a few stray commas:
The agents had to hug the wall, as the Sue turned to see who made such a noise.
“There’s no way I’m lettin’ you near them, right now.
The Sue told Harry, how one of her fathers struck a deal with Azrael[...]
Dumbledore gestured at the wardrobe-slash-armoury-slash-closet, and told the hitmen to get inside.

Since she was immortal, accidental explosion wouldn’t kill her.
Should be either "an accidental explosion" or "accidental explosions".

Nobody raised their hands (even the agents)
Just a matter of personal taste, but I'd have changed the stuff in parentheses to "not even the agents".

She yelped and waved her hand in pain, failing to notice a sudden headbutt which made her hit the wall and slum unconscious to the ground.
The correct word is "slump".