Another notes-based review from dog week. Sorry.

Haven't read the Saga yet, but . . . are Meyerpires seriously this indestructible? Sheesh.

So, to me, the theme of this mission is the comparison of the behaviors between the agents and the Sue and her Harry. Both pairs are present in the Wizarding World, a fantasy setting, and both in a romantic relationship. The fic romance is filled with forced and awkward dialogue, and weighed down by the Sue's insistence on being much more magical and special than the other wizards around her by virtue of being a space princess wizard of a, let's say, critically endangered species/race/what really does all that make her. The agents, on the other hand, are a witch werewolf and a vampire, but still interact like recognizable human beings; in contrast to the fantasy setting they're present in, their primary bonding conversation is about making whistling noises through blades of grass, with other topics being piercings and Pokémon jokes. You did an excellent job of showing the overly grand and awkward fic romance for how artificial it is, not by quoting the fic, mocking it, and charging the Sue, but by presenting a much more simple and natural alternative within your own writing.

As a small addition to the above, I especially liked your inclusion of the scene where Ix relates to Sue'd Harry's desire to "fall on his knees and praise" a love interest. It's a good reminder that some situations do call for what we tend to generalize as purple prose, when they're used in appropriate amounts, and to describe things that are difficult to explain, like romantic feelings.

One typo: "Harry ambled right past Ron and Hermione without so much a second glance . . ." is missing the "as."

—doctorlit sometimes falls on his knees before his work lunch, but that's less worship and more low blood sugar

Except now it's not new because of the other one whoopsie!
I did enjoy it, and took a buncha notes as I went through it. Hooopefully they'll be useful?


“Can you stop whining for five seconds?” Charlotte muttered.
- Harry really hadn’t whined that much, until that one time in the story! If he did, then it wasn’t entirely shown in the mission, y’know? Either way, looks a bit early for her to get annoyed!
- The mention of Romania was bloody good, though - pointing out issues in characterisation, what the proper problem is, showing the agents know enough to know how it ought to be


‘We’ve still got badfic from the 1800s’
- What a horrendous clerical nightmare the PPC bureaucracy must be. Good grief.


‘The girl had long shiny jet-black hair. Her skin was so pale, but she still had a bit of pink on her cheeks. Her outfit was pretty tight. She was wearing black pants and a gray sleeveless shirt with a small black jacket to go with it. She was slim and looked really fit. Really fit. Harry realized that he had been staring at her.’
- So this entire bit is sort of, grabbed from the fic. It’s quite a large section, too. There was an opportunity to make her appearance appear, rather, from the agent’s perspective, instead? - it’s not necessarily wrong that that didn’t happen, but it would have been interesting to see, as opposed to just the section from the fic!


‘shoving a finger in her mouth’ - You do these a lot - little small sort of gestures, that break up the dialogue and characterise and all. They’re very good and they’re great details, in general. I should, er, probably work on doing them better, myself.
- ‘steadying Ix against a sudden timeskip.’ - and that, too! That one’s even better, a little thing that sort of, sums up their relationship and all - it is very clear to see that they’re, y’know, in love, even without pointing that out


The blade of grass part was adorable - little sort of slice of life bit, there. Sort of, going into their relationship and all, while also setting up their individual characters, rounding them out. And it was not cheesy or any such!


‘feeble whine’ - aw, poor thing. Good wording, there!


Love the subplot of their relationship sort of, advancing, all the slice of life bits - elevates it over just a mission where they go in and pointlessly kill stuff, y’know? There’s stuff to it, beyond the mission


‘the agents fell to the ground as the scene shot forward to the staircases’
- I sort of had to reread the paragraph, having missed this particular line! Bit of an issue, there - the description’s a bit bland, a bit limited. It’s just… they just fell, y’know? Could have them go ‘clonk’ or go 'ow' or some more description of it, y’know? Especially being a very sort of, actiony bit - it blends in with the rest of the paragraph, and probably shouldn’t


‘A flick of his wand sent ropes tying themselves around the Sue, and she fell over with an indignant screech’
- Bloody love how underwhelming it is - really captures the problems with a Sue faced with, y’know, reality - that difference, as mentioned in the story, between power and skill


Very classic sort of mission, but it was kept from being generic, or from mindlessly following the mission procedure stuff with the little bits of Charlotte and Ix’s relationship. That’s what makes a good spinoff! The focus on the agents, because while everybody has to follow mission procedure, it’s the agents that are unique to you. And of course, it was very well done - it felt very sort of, slice-of-lifey, if that’s a word. The way their relationship builds, and shows the interplay between their two distinct characters, as opposed to them being a Twilight-esque singular mass is real bloody well done, indeed! It doesn’t feel fake or forced or cheesy or anything.
Enjoyable stuff!

Also, that Sue was incredible. Chinky. Bloody chinky. Good grief.

But I did. ^^;

And I'm glad I did! Getting back into the saddle is great, and this was a nice return mission. The interactions between Ix and Charlotte are cute, and there were some pretty good gags in there. I think my favorites were Harry interrupting their kiss with ".", and "Me caveman. You sexy." I had to work hard not to laugh out loud at that one. Sometimes the low-hanging fruit is the best fruit, especially since you spiced it up with Ix's genderfluidity. ^^

I have some nitpicks for you; sorry if anyone else has pointed them out already, but I haven't looked at any other reviews.

- Watch out for often repeated emotes like sighing and eye-rolling. It might just be me, but I notice when the same ones pop up within a few paragraphs of each other.

- “And the time Supergirl crushed your to rubble?”

-- Either this should be "you" or there's a word missing.

- Sue enough, no sooner had Harry reached the park than he was literally running into her.

-- Should probably be "sure," though it's so apt you might just keep it. *g*

- “Jeez, you’d think by now people treating him decently wouldn’t be such a mind blowing experience.”

-- Should be hyphenated: mind-blowing.

- “MInd slave?” Ix muttered.

-- "Mind", unless "MInd" with a capital I means something I don't get.

- Should PPC agents be able to find an empty train compartment to hide in? Don't Harry & co. always have trouble finding an empty one?

- Harry ambled right past Ron and Hermione without so much a second glance, lost in thought of the Sue.

-- "Thoughts" plural, probably. If he's stuck on a single thought, that might be worth elaborating on for a joke. {= )

- Charlotte didn’t look entirely convinced, but she nodded and took a peek at the Words, placing a quick kiss to Ix’s temple.

-- I'd use "on".

- “This one was more trigger-happy than we’re used to, most just like to stand there while we read the charge list.”

-- The comma should be a semicolon, linking two independent clauses.

Not a nitpick: Ordeith?! That name rang a bell when I read it, so I looked it up and it turns out it's one of the names of this recurring villain from the Wheel of Time series. Good grief, right? I'm surprised I couldn't turn up anything on Kairia, since every other "original" aspect of the fic is stolen. Sheesh.

And now, back to work!

~Neshomeh

(I am literally swapping between reading the mission for the first time and writing notes in this post. Apologies in advance for incoherency.)

- First off, I'm liking the opening scene
- Even more specifically, the first three paragraphs do a good job of setting things up mental-image wise
- Lotte, I agree with Ix here. Nearly-disintegrated fabric that used to be clothes doesn't count. Put some actual clothes on
- Ix an Lotte arguing and teasing each other is funny (and a bit cute)
- Took me a reread to figure out that Lotte hadn't seen Ix with his clothes off, but that could just be me
- Back-to-back missions is rude, but typical of the Flowers.
- Polly appears to be a cute kitty
- "Gotta up the word count somehow". Good line.
- Ix, I also don't like this already
- "Badfic from the 1800s". Did that happen? Is that going to happen?
- In general, the snarky comments are snarky and well-executed
- Harry not wanting to leave Privet Drive seems like the right place for a CAD explosion
- Technician Tomash would like to blame all the CAD explosions on a horrible codebase that noone understands anymore, since anyone who knew how anything worked either retired or went insane. The Hornbeam refuses to authorize the budget and time to rewrite everything.
- I'm also not particularly inclined to believe that Author's Note, Ix
- Ix and Lotte doing the grass-buzzing thing is a really nice scene
- A slow-clap seems like the right reaction to "."
- Heh. The Pokemon joke (and followup) is funny
- "Me caveman. You sexy." is a good joke. The scene after it is made of feels
- "Not that I wouldn't be used to it" (and follow-up) Ow.
- Ix following the directions of the fic w.r.t all the boys was funny
- Hiding behind a sofa seems like a perfectly good place to explore unfamiliar bodily functions :P
- I'd forgotten Lotte was scared of spiders. Well-shown there.
- "I thought we were in a Harry Potter fic, not Doctor Who" was a good line
- Ix seems to be very good at shrugging
- [standard mission stuff, being annoyed at the Sue, etc., is standard]
- Ix did some good spellwork there. Not what I was expecting to happen, in some sense.
- Ix has a good meta-point about Sues standing there for the charge list.
- The ending scene is nice (is all I can say)
- And I liked the closing lines

General thoughts:
- The mission feels rather TOS-esque, which is, as far as I'm concerned, a good thing.
- There's a good balance of snarking at the fic, agent interactions, and misc. funny stuff
- Ix and Lotte relationship stuff is good reading
- This was also in a good spot length-wise, I'd say. It gives a good sense of how bad the fic is without beating me over the head with it.

- Tomash

Very on-point humor, and Ix and Charlotte's interactions were very sweet. ^^ Maybe Ix can get a better meal next mission?