Minor thoughts and nitpicks

Subject: Minor thoughts and nitpicks
Author: Tomash
Posted on: 2017-06-20 16:49:00 UTC

(note: not a PG)
I'm liking the potential for funny inter-agent stuff here. Min and Effie clearly will (and do) clash about some stuff, but aren't so opposed that they'll be unable to like each other.

It's nice to see more DoGA.

I get the feeling that, due to their rather different methods of burning stuff, there won't be many arguments about who gets to do the Duty.

A few minor SPaG things:
- "Luckily, Min"
- "~~the~~ freaking obvious"
- "mess ~~when~~ by the time"

Most of those seem like edits that didn't get cleaned up all the way. That happens to the best of us, I've gathered, and the SPaG seems fine otherwise.

Also, from my hazy memories of a class I took on the history of writing, I don't think Chinese characters qualify as pictograms, strictly speaking (IIRC, in most cases, they have a concept part plus a pronunciation part), but I might be wrong about that.

- Tomash

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Permission Attempt by LonelyStar on 2017-06-20 06:43:00 UTC Reply

Finally got my permission attempt together and beta'd (thank you Matt Cipher for being my beta), so here goes:

Agent Bios:

Min Ra

Species: Human
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Home Continuum: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Lust Object: Zuko

Physical Description: Min Ra has gold eyes and long black hair pulled into a ponytail (or a topknot on formal occasions). Her hair has rather ragged edges, since she cuts it herself. She's tall and lean, looking somewhat like the puberty fairy got the 'sprout up like a weed' part right and then half-assed the 'sexual maturity' bit. She has a burn scar on her left leg from a sparring accident with her father (he apologized and they're over it).

Backstory: Min Ra is a character from an Avatar: The Last Airbender RP set a long time before the show's beginning. She is the daughter of a Fire Nation navy lieutenant, and is a firebender. She found her way to the PPC through a plothole when the RP was deleted from its site. She ended up partnered with Effie Raptor after a mistake involving her introduction to the internet, TV Tropes, and a misunderstanding of the nickname 'Mary Sue with wings'.

Personality: Min Ra is energetic, feisty, and determined. She enjoys competition and being the best, although she's sportsmanlike enough when others win. She has a very bad case of the Leeroy Jenkins, and often looks to justify herself after she's jumped into a problem both feet first. She very much enjoys firebending, and is quite proud of her skill. She's friendly, hates being left out of things, and quite readily expresses emotions. Her dream is to eventually be able to teach someone else firebending.

Fun Facts:
-Min Ra, like most Fire Nationals, adores spicy food. Her favorite snack is fire flakes, but she loves trying out different spices from all over the multiverse.
-Min has difficulty figuring out the intricacies of written English, and especially hates portmanteaus and acronyms.
-Min loves ironic assassination methods, and, failing that, copious quantities of fire.

Powers and Abilities: Min Ra is in good shape, and rather athletic. She's a pretty good firebender, although she can't lightningbend since lightningbending hadn't been invented by her time. Like most benders, however, she has very little training in weaponry, and tends mostly to focus on martial arts and her fire.

Department: Department of Geographical Aberrations

Effie Raptor

Species: Anthropomorphic F-22 Raptor
Age: A few months, though she looks like an adult
Gender: Female
Home Continuum: Internet
Lust Object: None
Description: Effie is tall and very well-developed, much to her annoyance (she really does not get the point of breasts, especially large ones). She has long, dark-gray hair and blue-gray eyes, along with a small nose. She usually wears the clothing she wears in her original image (it's the only thing she really feels like herself in), or failing that, a U.S. Air Force uniform.

Original Image: https://www.pixiv.net/memberillust.php?mode=medium&illustid=2431623

Backstory: Effie Raptor is an anthropomorphized F-22 Raptor fighter jet. Her origin lies in a screwup of Min Ra's; when Min was introduced to the internet, she found a TV Tropes article (Moe Anthropomorphism) with a link to her image and a note that she'd been nicknamed 'Mary Sue with Wings'. Min, with her characteristic enthusiasm, idiocy, and complete lack of understanding of how technology works, decided to make eliminating the winged Mary Sue her first mission.

Luckily Min was stopped before she could do something really stupid (and had it explained to her that, due to lack of context, no single image meant Mary Sue), but not before the gijinka had made its way to the PPC. As part of Min's punishment, she was forced to partner up with the plane. Soon after they started working together, Min christened her 'Effie Raptor', since she didn't have a name before that.

Personality: Effie is normally calm and unemotional (she does have emotions, it's just that she's rather subdued with showing them). She hasn't existed for very long, so she really has no idea how to act in a way that isn't about being a plane. She is clear and precise at all times, because she's a military jet. Effie is quite willing to do her duty, even if her inexperience with character means she tends to overlook certain things (so if confronted with a Sue shedding a single tear, she'd think 'that's biologically improbable' rather than 'that's melodramatic'). She loves combat and explosions, and she's at her most enthusiastic when she's getting to use her various and sundry high explosives.

Fun Facts:
- Effie collects explosives, and she is often conflicted between her desire to keep her collection and her desire to make things go boom.
- Effie dislikes missions to fantasy universes, because she can't predict how things will react and because she's not allowed to use most of her normal weaponry. Strictly speaking, she probably shouldn't be there either (given that she's a very modern plane), but she gets a pass because she's a gijinka and she's usually in disguise.
-Effie enjoys tasting different foods to find out what might be her favorite. She keeps a list of foods she likes (coffee is at the top of the list), and a somewhat longer lists of foods she discovered that she hates.

Powers and Abilities: Effie Raptor is an F-22 fighter jet, with all the capabilities that implies. She can fly, although she can only keep it up at very high speeds- if she were to try to hover, she'd fall out of the sky. She can also transform into full-jet form, though she doesn't do this often.

Department: Department of Geographical Aberrations

First Badfic: Karala

Location: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3608698/1/Karala
DOGA-worthy Offense: Turning the Chamber of Secrets into a luxury hotel

Other Offenses:

Turning Harry into an assassin, partnering him up with a pair of Mary Sues (also assassins), having no idea about how assassins actually work, massive amounts of uncanonical magic, Evil!Dumbledore, OOCness all around, and making Harry change his name to Harry Kill (I'm not kidding, he actually calls himself that).

Permission Prompts:

Two agents sat in RC 113a. One, an anthropomorphic fighter plane, was performing maintenance on her main gun. The other, a human woman with gold eyes and long black hair tied back in a ponytail, was using said eyes to attempt to glare lasers at the RC's console. This did not work, due to her unfortunate lack of laser vision. After several silent minutes of fruitless attempts to destroy the console with her gaze, she asked her partner:

“Effie?”

“Yes, Min Ra?”

“How do you manage to keep so calm all the time, what with that Agni-damned console that you refuse to blow up and won't let me burn going off at unpredictable intervals? It's hard to even complete a firebending form without that blasted thing beeping!”

“It is our duty as PPC agents to be ready at all times to exorcise the influence of Mary Sues. I rather look forward to it,” Effie Raptor answered.

Min Ra leaned forward from where she was sitting on her bed, pondering what her partner could possibly mean by that. She was looking forward to being woken up at any hour of the night...day… however time worked in HQ. How was that kind of attitude possible, unless…

Min Ra suddenly sat up straight.

“I got it!” she exclaimed, “it's reverse psychology! The console always beeps when you don't want it to, so if you want it to beep, it won't and you can get some time to yourself! I'm gonna try that!”

She then stared intensely at the console with what was probably intended to be an eager look. Effie, curious about what would happen, observed her quietly. She didn't have long to wait before Min Ra's attempt turned up a result.

BEEP!

“Darnit!”

Min continued to curse at the console as it lit up and displayed their next mission, like always. Effie made sure to read all the data and conceal her smile at Min's expense, and Min Ra got their gadgets ready for the assassination to come. Oh well, maybe she'd get the trick to it next time.

------

In all of Min's experience, Effie Raptor was not someone prone to being frantic. She had never yet observed her partner being anything but calm and precise, presumably because being distracted at Mach 2 and 30,000 feet would likely result in a death that would be quite spectacular to anyone but the unlucky fool who had to experience it.

And yet, there Effie was, nearly tearing the RC apart in search of something. After a few minutes of Effie fruitlessly looking for whatever she'd lost, Min decided to ask her:

“What's lit your hair on fire, Effie?”

“I lost a package of TNT.”

Min replied:

“Okay, that's bad, but-”

“I think it's on your side of the room.”

That got a response. Min immediately got off the bed, declaring:

“Okay, I'm looking. I am not risking getting blown up in the middle of firebending practice.”

Min started looking through her stuff, searching for whatever it was that Effie had lost. She had turned her living space into quite a mess when by the time she realized she had no idea what she was looking for. She knew what TNT was, but she didn't know what this particular batch looked like. So she asked Effie:

“Um, what should I be looking out for?”

“An unpainted metal box, small enough to be held with both hands-” Effie began to respond, before Min interrupted:

“You've got tons of those, you even gave me a few when I broke my shelf last week.”

Effie shot her partner a disapproving look at the interruption.

“And it is clearly labeled 'Trinitrotoluene, 4 kg'”

Min Ra thought for a bit.

“Wait, you meant this box?” she asked.

She then rearranged some of the mess to reveal a small metal box, one of several around. The difference was that this one was entirely unpainted and very clearly labeled 'Trinitrotoluene, 4kg'. Min handed it to Effie, who looked rather surprised to see her problem solved just like that. She asked Min:

“How did you miss that one?”

Min shrugged and said:

“Didn't know what I was looking for and thought it was the one I stored my firebending scrolls in.”

Effie stared at her partner with something resembling visible disbelief.

“But it was clearly labeled with what it was. How could you miss it?”

Min Ra was confused, “No it wasn't. It's labeled trinitrotoluene, and you were looking for TNT,” she told Effie.

Effie, exasperated, corrected her.

“They are the same thing. TNT is short for trinitrotoluene.”

Min sat there for a few moments in silence, blinking and taking what was, in hindsight, the freaking obvious. 'Trinitrotoluene' was rather unwieldy to say in casual conversation, and English was very conducive to shortening long words. There didn't seem to be any more she could say on the topic, so instead she apologized:

“Sorry about the mistake. I really hate contractions. Pictographs are so much more straightforward.”

Effie reassured her:

“That is comparatively unimportant. Rather more important is that you ask me what you're looking for before tearing up your room. That will take hours to clean up.”

Min Ra sighed in irritation. Like many teenagers around the multiverse, cleaning her room was very low on her (metaphorical) list of things she liked to do with her spare time. So she pleaded with Effie:

“Can't I just leave it like this?”

Effie, now that the trouble was over, had resumed her cold and emotionless demeanor.

“Your neuralizer is part of that mess, so no.”

It took a while and much more foot-dragging, but eventually Min Ra cleaned up her side of the RC under Effie Raptor's watchful eye. As Effie kept pointing out more important things that she'd missed, either accidentally or on purpose, Min hoped that the console would beep and she'd get a mission she could use to procrastinate her room cleaning.

But, in accordance with the Laws of Narrative Irony, it never did.

Hat (!) is on. by Zingenmir on 2017-06-20 18:30:00 UTC Reply

Okay. So.

Do I know you? Oh, yes. It feels like you've been around here for at least some months, if not much longer, and I'm pretty sure I've seen you participating in things. I don't think I personally know you too well, but I recognize your username, so you've either been around for a while or been participating in a lot of things. Either way, that's good. (*Actually, after a brief bit of searching the Board, I've discovered you've been around since at least sometime before May of last year. That's great!)

The agents. I like them! Min Ra (I'm guessing Min is a nickname rather than her first name?) feels pretty believable. She fits in just fine with canon, and I don't see any major contradictions between her bio and your portrayal of her in the prompts. She also seems like someone I'd want to read about regularly, which is great. Going by her lust object, I take it she's seen the A:tLA show since coming to HQ; I'd be fascinated to see her dealing with the whole "But everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked" thing at some point, or at least see it mentioned. I'm also curious about just how far back that RP was set--was the Avatar in her time someone named in the show, or is she from before even Kyoshi? It might be worth exploring the changes between her time and Aang’s time at some point.

In summation: I like her, and think she has potential. She also seems like a good fit for DOGA, and not only because of the fire ability.

Effie Raptor is...odd, but no less odd than a whole lot of other anime or anime style creations. (The countries in Hetalia come to mind!) From what I'm following of the "Mary Sue with wings" bit (I looked up the page--seems the nickname was given on the TVT wiki and probably based on the drawing's appearance?), Min Ra's reaction and the Flowers' subsequent reaction seem to make sense. I'd be interested to know what made Effie decide to join the PPC--as it is, there's no real detail on it--but I do like her, and "You break it (ie, let her in), you bought it (ie, congratulations, she's now your partner for your sins)" makes enough sense to me. I also like her as a foil for Min Ra--feisty, emotional teenage firebender partnered with a subdued, precise anthropomorphic fighter jet? It seems like a good combination with a fair bit of potential. So, unless anyone knows of a reason why she doesn't work, or of a way to fine tune her, I'd say she's good too. Also a good fit for DOGA, and the bit about her indecision over whether or not to use her collection of explosives is nice. I expect I might end up liking her, too.

The badfic. I swear I've seen this title before...ah, it's been around since 2008. Maybe it's been on the unclaimed badfic list for a bit and I saw it there.

Opening up chapter 3, since the author says that's where it gets better...straight away I've got Harry getting along with Snape, Harry having changed his name to Harry Kill? (...!), elemental air magic that...does things I wouldn't expect it to be able to do (unless it carries visions to Harry?) (I'd expect Min Ra to have an interesting reaction to this power, actually, so that's a plus), one of the OCs made Minerva McGonagall blush from embarrassment

...yeah, from skimming through the entire fic I'd say I agree with what you wrote. Also, I've definitely seen this one on the unclaimed badfic list before. Good luck.

The writing.

First sample: Effie and Min Ra really do bounce nicely off each other, don't they? I like this one a lot as a little introduction for them.

I also like the plot of the second, but there's one main thing which appears many times in that sample and once in the first one. This would be your tendency to write a dialogue tag (long or short) followed by a colon and then, in a new paragraph, the dialogue itself.

(See: And yet, there Effie was, nearly tearing the RC apart in search of something. After a few minutes of Effie fruitlessly looking for whatever she'd lost, Min decided to ask her:

“What's lit your hair on fire, Effie?”

and:

Min replied:

“Okay, that's bad, but-”)

I've checked around (read a number of grammar articles online, and then looked it up in the Little, Brown Handbook), and as far as I can tell, that's not a currently (or recently) accepted format for dialogue tags in English fiction. This article gives a good run-down of a variety of different ways people write dialogue; I'd suggest having a look at it.

You have used dialogue tags correctly here (“Wait, you meant this box?” she asked.) and here (“It is our duty as PPC agents to be ready at all times to exorcise the influence of Mary Sues. I rather look forward to it,” Effie Raptor answered.), though in the latter example I'd suggest putting the dialogue tag in the middle (like so: “It is our duty as PPC agents to be ready at all times to exorcise the influence of Mary Sues," Effie Raptor answered. "I rather look forward to it.”). However, you've also occasionally used a comma where a period should go:

Min Ra was confused, “No it wasn't. It's labeled trinitrotoluene, and you were looking for TNT,” she told Effie.

*The first comma should be a period, as in Min Ra was confused. "No it wasn't. [...]"

“I got it!” she exclaimed, “it's reverse psychology! The console always beeps when you don't want it to, so if you want it to beep, it won't and you can get some time to yourself! I'm gonna try that!”

*The comma after "exclaimed" should be a period, and the I of "it's" capitalized, like so: "I got it!" she exclaimed. "It's reverse psychology! [...]"

All in all: I like your plot, your characters, and how your characters interact with each other. Your badfic is a fine choice (especially for a mission with an agent who has a sort of elemental magic herself!) and I see no large contradictions between what you've said about the characters and how you've written them, which is a good sign. I also want to read more about them, particularly Min Ra. She's already endearing. And, dialogue tags aside, I don't really see anything that couldn't be caught by a good native speaker beta (it's mainly smaller phrasing tweaks).

However, I would really like to see you implement some form of standard dialogue tags before declaring you good to go with PPC writing. You've been pretty consistent, which is certainly in your favor; now I'd ask that you read through an article or two on dialogue tags (such as the one I linked), and go over the dialogue tags in your second prompt to make sure they match the style of your choice. I don't care which of the forms you pick (though most PPC writers tend to use quotation marks), so long as it's consistent in the piece and used properly.

So, for now, I'm afraid it's Permission Denied. If you rewrite the second sample to use correct dialogue tags, I'll be quite happy to take another look.

~Z

Is this good? by Anonymous on 2017-06-20 19:29:00 UTC Reply

Two agents sat in RC 113a. One, an anthropomorphic fighter plane, was performing maintenance on her main gun. The other, a human woman with gold eyes and long black hair tied back in a ponytail, was using said eyes to attempt to glare lasers at the RC's console. This did not work, due to her unfortunate lack of laser vision. After several silent minutes of fruitless attempts to destroy the console with her gaze, she asked her partner: “Effie?”

“Yes, Min Ra?”

“How do you manage to keep so calm all the time, what with that Agni-damned console that you refuse to blow up and won't let me burn going off at unpredictable intervals? It's hard to even complete a firebending form without that blasted thing beeping!”

“It is our duty as PPC agents to be ready at all times to exorcise the influence of Mary Sues," Effie Raptor answered. "I rather look forward to it.”

Min Ra leaned forward from where she was sitting on her bed, pondering what her partner could possibly mean by that. She was looking forward to being woken up at any hour of the night...day… however time worked in HQ. How was that kind of attitude possible, unless…

Min Ra suddenly sat up straight.

“I got it!” she exclaimed. “It's reverse psychology! The console always beeps when you don't want it to, so if you want it to beep, it won't and you can get some time to yourself! I'm gonna try that!”

She then stared intensely at the console with what was probably intended to be an eager look. Effie, curious about what would happen, observed her quietly. She didn't have long to wait before Min Ra's attempt turned up a result.

BEEP!

“Darnit!”

Min continued to curse at the console as it lit up and displayed their next mission, like always. Effie made sure to read all the data and conceal her smile at Min's expense, and Min Ra got their gadgets ready for the assassination to come. Oh well, maybe she'd get the trick to it next time.

------

In all of Min's experience, Effie Raptor was not someone prone to being frantic. She had never yet observed her partner being anything but calm and precise, presumably because being distracted at Mach 2 and 30,000 feet would likely result in a death that would be quite spectacular to anyone but the unlucky fool who had to experience it.

And yet, there Effie was, nearly tearing the RC apart in search of something. After a few minutes of Effie fruitlessly looking for whatever she'd lost, Min decided to ask her: “What's lit your hair on fire, Effie?”

“I lost a package of TNT.”

Min replied: “Okay, that's bad, but-”

“I think it's on your side of the room.”

That got a response. Min immediately got off the bed, declaring: “Okay, I'm looking. I am not risking getting blown up in the middle of firebending practice.”

Min started looking through her stuff, searching for whatever it was that Effie had lost. She had turned her living space into quite a mess by the time she realized she had no idea what she was looking for. She knew what TNT was, but she didn't know what this particular batch looked like. So she asked Effie: “Um, what should I be looking out for?”

“An unpainted metal box, small enough to be held with both hands-” Effie began to respond, before Min interrupted:

“You've got tons of those, you even gave me a few when I broke my shelf last week.”

Effie shot her partner a disapproving look at the interruption.

“And it is clearly labeled 'Trinitrotoluene, 4 kg'”

Min Ra thought for a bit. “Wait, you meant this box?” she asked.

She then rearranged some of the mess to reveal a small metal box, one of several around. The difference was that this one was entirely unpainted and very clearly labeled 'Trinitrotoluene, 4kg'. Min handed it to Effie, who looked rather surprised to see her problem solved just like that. She asked Min: “How did you miss that one?”

Min shrugged and said: “Didn't know what I was looking for and thought it was the one I stored my firebending scrolls in.”

Effie stared at her partner with something resembling visible disbelief.

“But it was clearly labeled with what it was. How could you miss it?”

Min Ra was confused. “No it wasn't. It's labeled trinitrotoluene, and you were looking for TNT,” she told Effie.

Effie, exasperated, corrected her.

“They are the same thing. TNT is short for trinitrotoluene.”

Min sat there for a few moments in silence, blinking and taking what was, in hindsight, freaking obvious. 'Trinitrotoluene' was rather unwieldy to say in casual conversation, and English was very conducive to shortening long words. There didn't seem to be any more she could say on the topic, so instead she apologized: “Sorry about the mistake. I really hate contractions. Pictographs are so much more straightforward.”

Effie reassured her: “That is comparatively unimportant. Rather more important is that you ask me what you're looking for before tearing up your room. That will take hours to clean up.”

Min Ra sighed in irritation. Like many teenagers around the multiverse, cleaning her room was very low on her (metaphorical) list of things she liked to do with her spare time. So she pleaded with Effie: “Can't I just leave it like this?”

Effie, now that the trouble was over, had resumed her cold and emotionless demeanor.

“Your neuralizer is part of that mess, so no.”

It took a while and much more foot-dragging, but eventually Min Ra cleaned up her side of the RC under Effie Raptor's watchful eye. As Effie kept pointing out more important things that she'd missed, either accidentally or on purpose, Min hoped that the console would beep and she'd get a mission she could use to procrastinate her room cleaning.

But, in accordance with the Laws of Narrative Irony, it never did.

You're getting closer. by Zingenmir on 2017-06-22 19:19:00 UTC Reply

The spacing is much better (though not perfect--generally, if one person has an action before they speak, their dialogue will be on the same line), but you're still using colons where they shouldn't be. In fact, at a glance, I'd say pretty much every colon you've used before dialogue should be a comma or a period.

Again, I recommend reading this article. It's pretty clear, and goes over just about every way there is of punctuating dialogue. It's almost definitely more clear than any explanation I can easily give.

What I can do is give some examples of how something could be written (admittedly more in my style, though I've tried to mimic a bit more of yours in the first one, since I don't seem to automatically go for putting longer introductions before the dialogue. That's more of a stylistic choice, though). I hope the examples and the article help.

Let's say I'm writing dialogue for my agents. It might look something like this:

Dawn sighed. "I don't know--it seems like a lot of effort to go to just for a bit of chocolate," she said. "I'm not sure I want to bother."

"But it'd be awesome!" Abaddon got to his feet. Picking up his mug, he added, "You know you'd have fun. Besides...I don't want to do the diving competition alone."

"But here's the thing: I don't feel like swimming." Dawn shrugged. "What can I do? I've had enough water lately."

The two agents looked at each other in silence for a bit; finally Abaddon put on his best wide-eyed expression and said, "Pleeeaase?"

Dawn snickered.

"Oh, go on, then." Abaddon dropped the expression. "How often do you get to compete for chocolate?"

"Not often enough."

Here, I've used periods and commas before lines of dialogue. I've also used a colon within a line of dialogue ("But here's the thing: I don't feel like swimming.") and used a long introductory sentence followed by a comma before the dialogue (The two agents looked at each other in silence for a bit; finally Abaddon put on his best wide-eyed expression and said, "Pleeeaase?") What I haven't done is use a colon to introduce a line of dialogue. I won't say it's never done, because for all I know there's a little-known exception somewhere, but going by grammar articles, a grammar book, and past reading experience, colons are generally not used to introduce dialogue in English fiction writing.

(I did use a colon to introduce the example itself. That works because I'm introducing a giant quote of sorts as an example in a non-fiction post, rather than a line of dialogue in a fiction story).

--

If I were writing an academic paper, I would use colons differently. I might well write something like Grimaldi continues the explanation in his 2016 paper 'Wildlife of British Columbia': "[t]he grizzly bear [...] is the fiercest of all, dwelling primarily in the far North of the province. The lack of residents enables the grizzly to refrain from eating garbage, making for a far healthier animal..."** (Or, boiled down: Grimaldi continues: "[t]he grizzly bear [...] is the fiercest of all...") The colon works here because it's introducing a quotation in an academic paper.

In fiction, however, this would look quite different. Let's take Grimaldi again and rework this into fictional dialogue...

The audience was, by now, captivated. Grimaldi smiled as he continued. "Now, take grizzly bears. They're the fiercest of the BC bears, but they mainly live in the far North. They also get to eat less garbage, since there aren't as many people around..."

That got a laugh.

Here I've used a period, though I'm fairly certain a comma would also work. As far as I'm aware, it's just a matter of nuance here. (If anyone reading can articulate the rule about when you use the comma vs the period in this sort of case, please feel free to chime in!)

Another way to write it, this time using a comma:

Sensing that his audience was now captivated, Grimaldi continued, "Now, take grizzly bears. They're the very fiercest of the BC bears, but they mainly live in the far North..."

--

I hope some part of this helps.

I do very strongly suggest reading the article I've linked (here) and looking up more articles on writing dialogue tags as well. There are a surprising (or perhaps not-so-surprising) number of grammar blogs and articles around, and most of them are pretty clear. This should help you figure out what you need to replace the colons with--because as it is, every single one of them should be a comma or period (which one depends on the context). You could also find a SPaG beta to help you out.

Your first writing sample has only one colon in it, and is a much more natural sort of read. Something along those lines (and with no colons used to introduce dialogue) is more the sort of writing I'm looking for.

As before, I'll be happy to look at a revised version; just be aware that it might take me a few days. I'm in the last couple weeks of preparing to move away for a year, so there's a lot to do some days.

~Z

**Grimaldi, his paper, and the quote are all invented by me. While I'm pretty sure northern BC has grizzly bears, I can't speak for the truthfulness of anything else in that fake quote. Although campgrounds in Canada do frequently have bear-proof garbage containers.

Also, now I rather like the guy. I wonder if he'd fit into anything I'm currently writing...

How's this look? by LonelyStar on 2017-06-25 05:40:00 UTC Reply

Two agents sat in RC 113a. One, an anthropomorphic fighter plane, was performing maintenance on her main gun. The other, a human woman with gold eyes and long black hair tied back in a ponytail, was using said eyes to attempt to glare lasers at the RC's console. This did not work, due to her unfortunate lack of laser vision. After several silent minutes of fruitless attempts to destroy the console with her gaze, she asked her partner, “Effie?”

“Yes, Min Ra?”

“How do you manage to keep so calm all the time, what with that Agni-damned console that you refuse to blow up and won't let me burn going off at unpredictable intervals? It's hard to even complete a firebending form without that blasted thing beeping!”

“It is our duty as PPC agents to be ready at all times to exorcise the influence of Mary Sues. I rather look forward to it,” Effie Raptor answered.

Min Ra leaned forward from where she was sitting on her bed, pondering what her partner could possibly mean by that. She was looking forward to being woken up at any hour of the night...day… however time worked in HQ. How was that kind of attitude possible, unless…

Min Ra suddenly sat up straight.

“I got it!” she exclaimed, “it's reverse psychology! The console always beeps when you don't want it to, so if you want it to beep, it won't and you can get some time to yourself! I'm gonna try that!”

She then stared intensely at the console with what was probably intended to be an eager look. Effie, curious about what would happen, observed her quietly. She didn't have long to wait before Min Ra's attempt turned up a result.

BEEP!

“Darnit!”

Min continued to curse at the console as it lit up and displayed their next mission, like always. Effie made sure to read all the data and conceal her smile at Min's expense, and Min Ra got their gadgets ready for the assassination to come. Oh well, maybe she'd get the trick to it next time.

------

In all of Min's experience, Effie Raptor was not someone prone to being frantic. She had never yet observed her partner being anything but calm and precise, presumably because being distracted at Mach 2 and 30,000 feet would likely result in a death that would be quite spectacular to anyone but the unlucky fool who had to experience it.

And yet, there Effie was, nearly tearing the RC apart in search of something. After a few minutes of Effie fruitlessly looking for whatever she'd lost, Min decided to ask her, “What's lit your hair on fire, Effie?”

“I lost a package of TNT.”

Min replied, “Okay, that's bad, but-”

“I think it's on your side of the room.”

That got a response. Min immediately got off the bed, declaring, “Okay, I'm looking. I am not risking getting blown up in the middle of firebending practice.”

Min started looking through her stuff, searching for whatever it was that Effie had lost. She had turned her living space into quite a mess by the time she realized she had no idea what she was looking for. She knew what TNT was, but she didn't know what this particular batch looked like. So she asked Effie, “Um, what should I be looking out for?”

“An unpainted metal box, small enough to be held with both hands-” Effie began to respond, before Min interrupted. “You've got tons of those, you even gave me a few when I broke my shelf last week.”

Effie shot her partner a disapproving look at the interruption. “And it is clearly labeled 'Trinitrotoluene, 4 kg'”

Min Ra thought for a bit. “Wait, you meant this box?” she asked.

She then rearranged some of the mess to reveal a small metal box, one of several around. The difference was that this one was entirely unpainted and very clearly labeled 'Trinitrotoluene, 4kg'. Min handed it to Effie, who looked rather surprised to see her problem solved just like that. She asked Min: “How did you miss that one?”

Min shrugged and said, “Didn't know what I was looking for and thought it was the one I stored my firebending scrolls in.”

Effie stared at her partner with something resembling visible disbelief. “But it was clearly labeled with what it was. How could you miss it?”

Min Ra was confused. “No it wasn't. It's labeled trinitrotoluene, and you were looking for TNT,” she told Effie.

Effie, exasperated, corrected her. “They are the same thing. TNT is short for trinitrotoluene.”

Min sat there for a few moments in silence, blinking and taking what was, in hindsight, freaking obvious. 'Trinitrotoluene' was rather unwieldy to say in casual conversation, and English was very conducive to shortening long words. There didn't seem to be any more she could say on the topic, so instead she apologized. “Sorry about the mistake. I really hate contractions. Pictographs are so much more straightforward.”

Effie reassured her, “That is comparatively unimportant. Rather more important is that you ask me what you're looking for before tearing up your room. That will take hours to clean up.”

Min Ra sighed in irritation. Like many teenagers around the multiverse, cleaning her room was very low on her (metaphorical) list of things she liked to do with her spare time. So she pleaded with Effie. “Can't I just leave it like this?”

Effie, now that the trouble was over, had resumed her cold and emotionless demeanor. “Your neuralizer is part of that mess, so no.”

It took a while and much more foot-dragging, but eventually Min Ra cleaned up her side of the RC under Effie Raptor's watchful eye. As Effie kept pointing out more important things that she'd missed, either accidentally or on purpose, Min hoped that the console would beep and she'd get a mission she could use to procrastinate her room cleaning.

But, in accordance with the Laws of Narrative Irony, it never did.

I'm sorry for the almost two week long absence. by Zingenmir on 2017-07-08 20:46:00 UTC Reply

I've just moved countries and been battling jet lag while settling in and so on, so my time and concentration for Board-related matters has dropped considerably.

As such, I've just passed this over to Delta Juliette. She'll look at your initial request and the revisions and, well, continue the process with you. Thank you for your patience during all of this, and good luck!

~Z

The previous reply was mine; I just forgot to put my name in (nm by LonelyStar on 2017-06-20 19:31:00 UTC Reply

Minor thoughts and nitpicks by Tomash on 2017-06-20 16:49:00 UTC Reply

(note: not a PG)
I'm liking the potential for funny inter-agent stuff here. Min and Effie clearly will (and do) clash about some stuff, but aren't so opposed that they'll be unable to like each other.

It's nice to see more DoGA.

I get the feeling that, due to their rather different methods of burning stuff, there won't be many arguments about who gets to do the Duty.

A few minor SPaG things:
- "Luckily, Min"
- "~~the~~ freaking obvious"
- "mess ~~when~~ by the time"

Most of those seem like edits that didn't get cleaned up all the way. That happens to the best of us, I've gathered, and the SPaG seems fine otherwise.

Also, from my hazy memories of a class I took on the history of writing, I don't think Chinese characters qualify as pictograms, strictly speaking (IIRC, in most cases, they have a concept part plus a pronunciation part), but I might be wrong about that.

- Tomash