Subject: How did I not see this?!
Author:
Posted on: 2017-05-05 22:54:00 UTC
Probably too much math. But this is pretty dang cool! You seem to have put a ton of effort into it, and I love the prose here. If you want to, maybe develop it into an epic poem somehow? I mean, the Star Wars movies are already considered epic film, and plus, it'd take time, but it'd be fun. :)
-Twistey
Happy Star Wars Day to all!
In celebration: a poem (which formed my Facebook status today, in response to some comments from my friends who found my habit of posting on May the Fourth a bit... repetitive); they won't be saying that after this year!
(For bonus points: join in the argument as to what meter this poem is written in? Is it largely anapaestic with an initial iamb? Or amphibrachic with an occasional terminal iamb? This has been dividing my friends list, because my friends are just as big nerds as I am)
Wise Obi-Wan, grey-haired and weathered by age
Had long been in exile from Emperor's rage
Until Princess Leia in desperate appeal
Did Artoo and Threep'yo into peril most real
Send unto Kenobi to beg for his help
In helping their owner: bold Anakin's whelp;
Whiny Luke the brash farm boy who dreams of the stars
Yet blunders in danger in Mos Eisley's bars
There met they Han Solo, ace pilot and rogue
Whose space aged high fashion was always in vogue:
Bloodstripes on his trousers, a dark vest and white shirt;
As Greedo well knows this brave scoundrel shoots first.
Millennium Falcon his famed smugg'ling vessel
Which in less than twelve parsecs did jourmey to Kessel
Did leave then for Ald'raan from Bay Ninety Four
With our band of brave heroes ensconced safe aboard.
No hokey religion; just a blaster in hand
With Chewie the wookiee to make full their brave band
Was the view of Han Solo; his operative creed
But the wise Jedi Gen'ral to this disagreed.
To rescue the Princess from Imperial anger
Would require Jedi training to shield Luke from danger.
In the hold of the Falcon with training remote
Wise old Ben did impart Jedi learning by rote
'Trust your feelings' said he; to improve just 'let go'
And the seeds of Luke's skill with the Force did he sow.
Though Obi-Wan fell struck by Vader's red blade,
On Yavin did Luke hear from his old mentor's shade:
Remember, dear Luke, that the powerful Force
Shall always be with you upon May the Fourth!
Aren’t the two meters your friends are proposing the same thing?
An iamb and three anapests: u / | u u / | u u / | u u /
Three amphibrachs and an iamb: u / u | u / u | u / u | u /
Without the |foot| markers, they’re exactly the same: u / u u / u u / u u /
And foot divisions are kind of artificial, right? I’m not an expert; if there’s some nuance that I’m missing please someone call me out on it.
If you're interested, while I was trying to work this out, I went through your poem and annotated most of the first stanza in excruciating detail with analysis and concrit. I'm having some problem with HTML where the stress marks aren't lining up over the syllables I want them to line up with. . .let me know if you're curious about what I'm driving at but can't figure it out.
***
Summary impressions: The meter is fun and bouncy (appropriate for a jokey Facebook-status poem). There are few variants, and those which are present feel unintentional rather than like deliberate storytelling strategies. I find long series of rhymed couplets irritating, but am forced to admit that their jingling, cutesy tone is appropriate for a silly poem celebrating a holiday with a pun baked into the date.
/ /u u / u u / u u /
Wise Obi-Wan, grey-haired and weathered by age
(Spondee, anapest, anapest anapest. I see how some of your friends may have decided that first foot was iambic, but I wouldn't do that myself -- as an actor, I would stress it to avoid its getting lost and the audience's thinking of Obi-Wan as merely a doddering old man. Plus starting on a spondee is usually pretty strong and dramatic. I like it.)
OR
(Antibaccius, two amphibrachs, and an iamb. If the first syllable is unstressed (as I advised against above), you'd get three amphibrachs before the iamb.)
u / u u / u u / u u /
Had long been in exile from Emperor's rage
(there's the initial iamb and series of anapests your friends were talking about, or three amphibrachs with an iamb on the end)
u / u u / u u / u u /
Until Princess Leia in desperate appeal
(Just like the last line. I feel like "desperate" has too few syllables and want to spell it "desp'rate," but I think that's just my problem :P)
u / u u / u u u / u u /
Did Artoo and Threep'yo into peril most real
(What is that one extra unstressed syllable doing in the middle of the line? In neither of the proposed meters should there be three unstressed syllables in a row, and I don't think this moment in the story is dramatic enough to justify breaking the meter this way -- it causes the reader to halt and stumble for a moment, which is good if you want them to dwell on a line or phrase, but here just gets in the way of understanding this important bit of exposition. I suggest rejiggering this sentence (perhaps try replacing R2D2 and C3PO's names with something like "the droids," or using their full names, or their names in a different order). If you do decide to revise this, I also advise experimenting with ending this line on an unstressed syllable to help it flow into the next line, which is a continuation of the same idea. Putting a stressed syllable here, especially with the completion of a rhyme, makes it feel very final, which is confusing since that's not actually where the thought ends at all.)
/ / u u / u u / u u /
Send unto Kenobi to beg for his help
(Like the first line, with the same caveat about the first syllable -- I'd stress it, because the fact that the droids were sent is important information, but I suppose you don't have to.)
u / u u / u / / u u /
In helping their owner: bold Anakin's whelp;
(I'm torn over whether or not to stress "bold" -- obviously, having it unstressed fits the meter better (however one chooses to describe said meter, there's definitely a general pattern), but. . . it doesn't sound good to me. This poem is so much of a bare-bones summary that each rare adjective seems important. Also, I don’t think a semicolon belongs here, although Djel help me if I know what punctuation you should use.)
***
This is approximately when I realized I ought to be doing my homework instead of nit-picking at a Star Wars poem that was probably written as a joke in less than an hour. Thank you for posting this; this is some of the most fun I've had procrastinating in a while!
--Key
I certainly had anapaestic in mind when writing it, which took around 25 mins while walking to work; composed on my phone which explains the occasional misspelling (and then copy/pasted from my Facebook status to here), so silly poem is entirely appropriate. (I guess it fits the usual metric patterns for a ballad?)
I agree with you that "desperate" should be two syllables to make it fit the stress patterns; I also agree that the Artoo and Threepio line doesn't scan too well.
I read Stephen Fry's The Ode Less Traveled last year and the discipline needed to fit words to the meter is a fun challenge compared to prose writing. Terza rima or anything like that may be a bit much for a Facebook status, however!
Elcalion, waxing poetic
Probably too much math. But this is pretty dang cool! You seem to have put a ton of effort into it, and I love the prose here. If you want to, maybe develop it into an epic poem somehow? I mean, the Star Wars movies are already considered epic film, and plus, it'd take time, but it'd be fun. :)
-Twistey
Hmm, no, that's much too understated. Let's try this:
*rapturous applause*
Ah, much better. There is a tragic dearth of Star Wars related poetry in the world, well done mending it!
May the Fourth be with you!
Do you know of these? I believe you'd appreciate them.
^ Is the joke I expected to follow from Cat's post title. {= )
~Neshomeh
I have no comment on the meter; I lack the vocabulary. Some of the rhymes are a bit of a stretch, but I liked it! {= D
~Neshomeh