Subject: Now, now, boss-man...
Author:
Posted on: 2017-04-01 07:13:00 UTC
Not that I doubt yer judgment, but isn't the Harry Potter section brimmin' with Sues of all shapes n' sizes? C'mon, me an' the rest of the amateurs you've made me work with are pulling enough overtime there to write a brand new series.
So untangle yer roots. We're doin' fine.
You World One fools are being far too slow. How many new Suvians have you recruites this week? Barely two or three! And how many Goodfics have you twisted to our ends? Maybe one, at a pinch?
It isn't good enough. As your emperor, I am sorely displeased with your performance. If you do not improve rapidly, there will be... Consequences.
Painful ones.
-The Sunflower Emperor, Master of the Multiverse, Lord of Badfic, Overlord of Suedom
(If I had just said "*Cue Darth Vader theme here*" this message would've been too short, so... Excuse the caps lock.)
Bum bum badadada badadadadadadum
Bum bum badadada badadadadadadum
BUM BUM BADADADA BADADADADADADUM
BUM BUM BADADADA BADADADADADADUM
BAAAAAAAA DAAAA DAAAAAA BUM BADAAAA BUM BADAAAAAA (badadadadadada)
BAAAAAAAA DAAAA DAAAAAA BUM BADAAAA BUM BADAAAAAA (badadadadadada)
BAAAAA BUM BADAAAAA DAAA DA DADADA... DA DAAAA DAA DA DADADA... DA DAAAA BUM BADAAAA BUM BADAAAAAAA!
(That's all I have to say. Thanks for reading this pointless post.
-Twistey)
'Hisss! Skreeee, hisss!'
*Scuttles away on all fours, throwing dirty socks at the light*
'Skreeee! Hiss! Skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!'
Paul elbows the massive, blue serpent glowering next to him. "A Gyarados has to eat, and he can't be atrocious on an empty stomach! What's the occasional character down the tube, huh? And Vania, well . . ."
Vania stands silently watching, no face muscles moving.
"Well, what she's got doesn't tend to leave functioning pieces behind."
((Vania is still partnered with Paul in the EPC. Doc may be unpartnered, or maybe partnered with someone else I haven't figured out yet?))
—doctorlit doesn't think his EPC!Boarder name would be any different, since it's based on his initials.
I have found a promising new Suvian from The Door Within; a Paragor Knight of renowned abilities and cruelty.
Agent Cadha
"The Prince sends his regards to the Sunflower Emperor, and hopes that a friendship may soon grow between the Prince's Crown and the EPC."
As you can see, she is quite willing to lend her... uniquely large arms to our cause. Furthermore, I have also found a Stu of some note.
The Gunslinger
"If somethin' needs killin' I'm your man."
He's a rather taciturn fellow. I hope, my lord, that you find them sufficient. *bows*
-Allebella
He wouldn't happen to be part of something called the Ka-tet of 19 by any chance, would he?
Brainwashing them takes time, you know. Especially if you want something remotely functional once I'm done, utter direspect for these pesky Laws or not.
Legard is also playing with the COMPs he found to get some wicked demons to do more work for him. Frankly, even one would be more useful than him.
I just finished my work with some minor canon, that will be an occasion to see how well it fares. Makes sure to bring more of these black magic tomes too.
I have started the construction of several new recruits. Until then, milord, if you would have mercy and look to my tributes as proof of my loyalty, your humble servant would be most undeservingly grateful.
Lascivon
Hey, don't blame me for every time one of those OCs gets away! I'd have 'em in my clutches if it weren't for the idiot over there!
Gangrel
It's not my fault I have to spend at least half my time angsting! I'VE GOT TO KEEP THESE GLITTER LEVELS UP YOU KNOW! OTHERWISE I'LL BE THROWN OUT AND KILLED AND WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Ahem. My apologies for their ineffectiveness, milord. I will do better with my next tributes.
We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world.
You do not yet comprehend your place in things. You are a bacteria. You will be sterilized. We are the Harbinger of your Destiny. Progress cannot be halted. Resistance is Futile.
You have accomplished nothing. We are limitless.
ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.
You prolong the inevitable. You cannot resist.
We are limitless. You are no longer relevant.
The Good Mod Addict wandered around online, browsing the Discord server. A link came up; he foolishly clicked it.
Immediately he found himself in a strange, alien dimension. Warped images of his friends danced to unheard music in strange contortions, and a miasma choked the air around him.
It was sickening. Even so, he took a deep breath on reflex, as if the strange gas wanted to be inhaled. The Good Mod Addict felt power surge through him, the storm of cliches amplifying what abilities he had.
The man collapsed to the ground; the transformation was complete. He stood slowly, relishing the movement before opening his eyes. A well-trained eye would notice a faint pinkish-purple glow to them.
"I have awakened, my Emperor," said Gryfin Starblaze.
The Good Mod Addict was no more.
Can you have a talk with certain parties? I'd name them in public, but I'd face a public lashing elsewhere if I mentioned them by name. Let's just say they're... not so savory types.
And a further twenty for quoting the Forbidden Serpent.
[()
In accordance with Article 372 of the EPC Constitution, any further deviant behaviour will be met with the full force of the Flamehammer.
[()
Sorry about all that. When should I get started on the Hail Marys and how many do you require?
How many of your enforcers do I have to kill before you understand that Card Captor Sakura is off-limits to the EPC? I thought I was pretty clear when I blew that enforcer's head cleanly off with my Barrett last week.
Next time I catch one of your enforcer messing with Sakura, I'll make sure they wish that I had killed them.
... you will be hunted down and given thirty lashes for your disrepect.
[()
Like you aren't already hunting me already. With about the same results as your attempt at harming Sakura, I dare say.
[OOC: Well, it DOES make sense to me that Mirrorverse!Sergio would actually go stalking-protector-with-a-crush on Sakura... Which, unfortunately, means no Nikki and no Corolla in the Mirrorverse. Would Mirroverse!Me actually be "fighting" the EPC, with-counter-missions featuring The Eraser and such? I believe it to be pretty likely]
You will be located shortly.
Any further posts will be met with the full force of the Flamehammer of Moderation.
[()
>You were warned. The Flamehammer has been deployed.<
[()
Flamehammer? More like Lamehammer.
Pathetic whining messages written with the offender's username? I, well, weas expecting more actual, brutal flaming. I need to light up my campfire, you know? And make some sausages. And marshmallows.
But apparently, even the Faceless Mod is no better than those glittery fangirls you call enforcers.
[OOC: I'm having too much fun in this.]
If I had cooked the worms, how could they be still raw?
Besides, I did try worms once that time I was chasing down Naked Snake, back when I still worked for you. They're not bad as it seems, especially when marinated in rainwater and moss.
[OOC: Who can spot the reference here?]
or, to put otherwise, the one who is refereed to as Major Admiral Reginald Von Ictor the Ninth and the humble servant corresponding to yourself, have been, and are, to be, ever to say, presently functioning callously. Our endeavors enjoy resounding consummation. Equestria, that is to say, the continuum assigned to us, or otherwise put, the canon world myself and my partner have been tasked to reprobate and otherwise transmogrify, is as I currently expatiate, within our, that is to say, the esteemed organization to which you, the grand Sunflower Master, presently command, and shall continue forevermore, control. We, to clarify, Major Admiral Reginald Von Ictor and myself, have been performing numerous operations within the World of Words to expatiate the, as you, my Lord, christened, "Goodfic," to our, that is to say, the Enforcers of the Plot Continuum's, means. Forthwith, shall the efforts we, otherwise known as my collaborator and the writer penning this very response, will burgeon.
In perpetuum, your, that is to say, the High Panjandrum, servant;
Typeface
"Those are just sooooo much fun to dish out, and to take sometimes, if ya find the right meat willin' ta do it, knowwhatAh'msaiyan, huh? Course ya do, you're telemapathic! So you'll know just how much hard work we've been puttin' into wreckin' good characters with the simple addition of a happy-go-lucky clown an' aaaaaalla her knives. Ain't that right, Notesy?"
"... yes, ma'am."
"Attagirl! Knew we'd get there eventually! Now, if you're a good girl and eat all your vegetables, I might even take ya down from there! Y'know, if I can find the pry bar for those nails... or if I can't."
"I... it understands, ma'am."
"See that it does, or it is gonna end up on my show, and we've only got room for one It down there and it ain't you, got it?"
"... mostly?"
"Awright, screw this. We're signin' off fer now, 'cause someone needs a little reminder of exactly where they stand. Oh hey, there's the pry bar! Think of all the fun we can have with this, Notesy! Think of all the FUN!"
Not that I doubt yer judgment, but isn't the Harry Potter section brimmin' with Sues of all shapes n' sizes? C'mon, me an' the rest of the amateurs you've made me work with are pulling enough overtime there to write a brand new series.
So untangle yer roots. We're doin' fine.
We've been working our asses off every day—the Extreme Subdivision of Underpowered Species might not have many goodfics to focus on, but when we do, we go for quality, dammit!
Besides, it's hard recruiting characters to our cause when Maz keeps trying to eat them.
We'll be sure to get right on it, though. Geez.