Re: A few things

I present (drum-roll please), my Permission Request by Jay - Awesomeness Central on 2017-03-29 16:08:00 UTC Reply

So, let's get down to it right away. Here are the agents:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ftZO67N6e-ahNyMNJBrgGrnGELQUzEZ5-ZTdAdLj87Q/edit

And here are the writing prompts:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_uBK4M4IuJ4xbL0AKd8bOuD2oWbawNltM4DK8EO4YG8/edit

Enjoy!

Of course, a trillion thanks to my betas: Granz and Silenthunder.

The fanfiction that I think would make a good first mission can be found here:
https://www.quotev.com/story/2552674/How-to-Thank-You-A-Lord-of-the-Rings-Love-Story
It's a Sue-fic about a second daughter of Elrond, and a Legomance to boot. Thranduil is stepping down from the throne for some reason (he acts very creepy to the Sue, which she takes as a compliment), Legolas is crowned king, and Gimli is passive aggressively bashed. While this Sue is by far not the worst one I've seen, she's definitely bad enough to be assassinated.

*dusts off his PG hat* by Phobos on 2017-03-29 19:02:00 UTC Reply

Every time I think I'm out...

Anyway, let's take a look at what we have here.

1) Are you known in the community? Yeah, I know your name, at least, and I'm barely considered to be here.

2) Can you write? This is a more difficult question. SPaG is fine, which I would expect given that you have betas, so good there. However, you have a problem with story-flow. I think this may be what hS was talking about. Your characters go from one emotion to be next without passing the intervening space (teleporting emotions?).

An example of this would be when Arden goes immediately from sombre and depressed to totally ecstatic because his partner points out the bed that was in full view the whole time. He could see the bed, but he didn't react to it until it was pointed out to him, and then it was a sudden full reversal of emotion. It is all very sudden and gives the impression that each thought and action is totally independent of what came before it. And I know you mention this in Arden's bio, but it isn't limited to just him. Even if it was, he is incredibly jarring on his own. You'll want to work on the flow, going forward.

3) Your characters. This is where we run into some big problems.

Jace "Shiny" Beleran - One of your two characters is (arguably) the main protaganist of the MTG story. That's not a particularly encouraging start. Add to that the fact that Jace is incredibly intelligent and powerful even beyond his mental magic. That's part of what being a Planeswalker is: semi-phenomenal, nearly-cosmic power, itty-bitty living space. This is a man who beat an infinitely-old, eldritch abomination at chess without any magic at all. He might be the greatest mind in the multiverse. AND he has powerful magic at his disposal.

Also, what time period is he supposed to be from? According to the bio, he just ran afoul of Alhamaret and lost his memory, but that point isn't depicted on any Jace card that I'm aware of (and I did check). There's Vryn's Prodigy where he is a kid before the Sphinx took him in, and everything else is after he lost his memory and grew up on Ravnica. And none of the cards have grass in the picture, so that didn't help pin it down.

All of this is to say, there are major problems and I'm really not comfortable with this character, at all.

Arden - Seems fine enough. I just don't recall ever reading that Krynn magic is addictive. Some mages went a little nutty when the power got turned off that one time, but that was because the magic was all they had in their life, and they didn't know how to cope when they thought it was gone for good. In the grand scheme, this is a small detail that can be easily adjusted.

So, verdict time. Permission denied, for a couple of reasons.

For one, Jace has to go. Create a new character that isn't a near-god-level protagonist in the story they come from. The idea of a card being transformed into a living being isn't a bad idea, just stay away from the Planeswalkers and probably the Legendary Creatures as well. There is still plenty of room to play there. Maybe the character is a Deputy of Acquittals, or a Goblin Test-pilot, or a Simic Guildmage. The multiverse is a big place.

Secondarily, you need to work on the flow of your stories. The lack of clear progression from point A to point B can be off-putting, and you want your audience to be able to follow along.

There are good parts of your request so fix these few problems and re-apply. You are probably not far off.

-Phobos

A few things by Jay - Awesomeness Central on 2017-03-29 19:26:00 UTC Reply

First off, the card I was basing Jace's character off is "Jace Beleren." Since that card didn't have a specific time period attached to it (other than after Alhammaret), I decided to make it right after the fight with Alhammmaret. Also, look the card up on google images; you'll see that there is grass on a version of that card.

Additionally, about Krynn magic being addictive; there are a few parts in the books (particularly Legends and War of Souls) where mages say the magic is their love and their life. For example: in War of Souls, the lack of magic basically turned Palin Majere into an addict scrambling for his next fix (i.e. magical artifacts from the Fourth Age that were still imbued with old magic).

Re: A few things by Phobos on 2017-03-29 19:41:00 UTC Reply

1) Jace was a teenager when he fought Alhammaret. He is mid-20's when he first shows up on Lorwyn (where that card came from). There were years between those two points.

Also, it looks like he is standing on rocky terrain, so maybe it's moss?

2) Palin was tortured, I think that probably has more to do with his state in that series. They broke his hands and left him useless unless he uses magic, which he can't get without breaking irreplaceable artifacts.

The love and life thing is what I was talking about. They have devoted their whole life to magic, so when it disappears it pretty much takes their their perception of who they are with it. Some of them got on fine without it, some of them looked for new magics, some of them went a little nuts, some did a combination of those last two.

-Phobos

MTG and Krynn, huh? Hey, Phobos, check this one out! (nm) by Neshomeh on 2017-03-29 17:18:00 UTC Reply

Two of my fandoms? I'll give it a look. (nm) by Phobos on 2017-03-29 17:36:00 UTC Reply

I'd just like to say: by Huinesoron on 2017-03-30 14:35:00 UTC Reply

I feel this is how PGs should always operate.

Look at what's happened in this thread. The first PG to look at it couldn't pin down what was bothering him, so asked for someone else to look. The second said 'oh, I know which of us knows those canons' and paged him. The third offered a comprehensive assessment of the Permission request, drawing on that canon knowledge, offered constructive criticism, and then stuck around to address any queries about what he'd said.

This is wonderful (okay, I'm getting a little overenthusiastic here). This is what Permission Givers are supposed to do. :)

hS
Ooh, cool! Another Dragonlance person! (nm) by Jay - Awesomeness Central on 2017-03-29 17:40:00 UTC Reply

Hat is off. by Huinesoron on 2017-03-29 16:29:00 UTC Reply

Something is bugging me about the writing samples, and I can't really pin down what. I think it might be a combination of little things, but I can't quite tease it out. Some of the dialogue feels off, I know that, and the flow of events can be a bit... jarring. Look back at the first sample; I think Shiny and Arden have four different conversations with barely a link between them. And the "suddenly illusion which solves everything" moment is very abrupt.

I don't know. Permission hat is off because I can't figure out what's bothering me.

(Also: "my card had grass and then I was transformed, therefore the RC that's just been assigned to us has grass" is, like, the worst chain of logic ever I think?)

hS