Subject: Some actual comments.
Author:
Posted on: 2013-07-02 11:19:00 UTC
First off, I quite like Yorick's interactions with the Marquis. He has the right sort of flippant obedience down, which works well with his outfit.
I'm not so keen on the way you have the Marquis talking... actually, no, that's not quite true. There's only two points that stick out to me:
-He's very inconsistent in how he refers to Valon. Given who he is - the Head of Personnel - I think he'd be more likely to choose either 'Agent Valon' or 'Agent Vance' and stick with it. The former is slightly more common, I believe. He would certainly never use 'Mister Vance'. Titles are there for a reason. :P
-This line: Note, Agent Vance is red-green colorblind... And, what exactly is this skeleton for?
--The first clause feels like you trying to work that fact in, rather than something the Marquis would say. I'd go with something more like, 'Purplish'. Hmm. Well, I suppose we should expect such understatements if we go about hiring colour-blind staff....
--The second clause... has already been answered, with the earlier 'So you made your own?'. He knows Yorick is supposed to be Valon's partner. Actually, given Yorick's response, I'd put something more like, And you... undead bony thing. What do you have to say for yourself?.
That said, I did enjoy most of his lines (You would not be able to explain your existence. Agent Vance would.). Although, two other notes:
-The last Marquis line in the first section isn't really a question.
-Hahaha, six hours downtime? Valon'll be lucky if he's allowed five minutes to explain to Yorick what a 'PiPiCee' is, and another five to show him which end of a sword (or gun, or staff) to hold. The Flowers don't give people time off because it'll make things easier for them - they make them go and do the work anyway, because, as the Queen Anne's Lace once said, If we don't keep them working, they might find the time to ask when they get paid... and no one wants that. Except them. And they don't count.
On to the actual narrative... which again, doesn't bother me most of the time. There's only a couple of lines that feel a bit, well, off:
-'He was colorblind, and the skeleton was urple, the worst color'. Um, that's a very strange description of urple. I'd either cut the last three words altogether, or string it out a bit. If I were writing this sentence, I'd go with something like: '[to one glaring problem://]The skeleton was urple, that particular mix of purple and pink which makes canons quail, fangirls scream, and agents cover their eyes in horror... unless, like Vanon, they happened to be colour-blind.'
-'made this already strange pose even odder. Well, as odd as being a pinkish-purple skeleton made it, anyway.' I assume the 'strange pose' is the salute, which doesn't seem all that strange. I think you want something like 'strange sight/vision', since it is an odd mental picture. And the final sentence ('Well, as odd... anyway'), um... I don't know what you were trying to say, so it didn't work.
-Given that Valon had to check the book for 'Create Undead', I'm not sure why he suddenly knows that a 'Wand of Prestidigitation' (whatever that is) can change Yorick's colour. Urple is notoriously hard to get rid of anyway, and if you're using it, I'd recommend reading OFUM, since that's where it comes from. There's a line in Chapter 15 that 'the only stuff that got urple off was Wormtongue's Wonder Wash – although most were convinced it was because he had helped created urple in the first place', and I'm sure there's more. Also, it's fun to read. (And yes, the original description is 'the worst possible colour', I know - that doesn't make it the best description). Eitherhow, that line should probably be something more like 'Valon saluted as well, though much more lazily than Yorick. “I'll look into it, sir.”' To which the Marquis would no doubt make a snarky comment.
But in general, I quite liked it. You've given your agents personalities - somewhat different ones - and that's always a good sign.
hS