Subject: Poor, poor Intel!
Author:
Posted on: 2012-11-28 17:53:00 UTC
I kind of feel like this site is worse than the Pit, because I have read some amazing fanfiction on the Pit and I have yet to see a non-horrendous Circle of Lemmings fic.
The Intel agents must have to go into EVERY fic on the site. I feel so sorry for them. That makes this little scene pretty amusing.
All of this Quotev business has inspired me to write up these little fragments. Please ignore the fact that the gap between Episode 2 and Episode 3 is starting to parallel Valve's production cycle.
Anyways, presenting an excerpt of Marianne's diary and the chat log of a conversation between Luisa and Penny. I might continue the Wire tap feature whenever I feel lazy and I don't want to finish an episode...
In case anybody is wondering, the two fics referenced in the second part are real. I've got links if anyone wants to fry their neurons.
SeaTurtle
- - - - -
Department of Intelligence Datanet
Login: N/A, PPC BOARD OVERRIDE DETECTED
* * * * *
>>View/Authentication[BOARDOVERRIDE]/Profile/Firstclass/D/Delacroix, M./Personaljournal/Lastentry
>>>>TRANSLATING… DONE
What an exhausting week. Ever since Makes-Things and his technicians have updated the fan fiction detection protocols we have been working around the clock to process the hundreds, if not thousands of stories in what has been recently dubbed as the “circle of lemmings” by some of our agents.
There is an astonishing quantity of badfic on the website and nearly every mission to the BBC Sherlock ‘verse has greeted me with a character profile of some sort. Links to gallery-like images of clothing pollute the text of certain fanfics and threaten to throw Spies out of the story should they try to follow the link. Agent Harris Frost of Orange team is still missing in action after he radioed HQ about investigating a link to the mysterious [polyvore] site. Multiverse communications are still unable to reach him.
I voiced my concerns with fellow Spy San Lorenzo who said that even if Frost is a fool, he does not deserve to be left alone in a giant virtual wardrobe. I earnestly hope he will be found soon. The poor boy has been through a lot recently: I hear his co-workers have been bullying him ever since he flooded the Action Room on his first day at work.
Agent Chang told me a few minutes ago that Sorting detected an actual God!Sue in the Percy Jackson ‘verse. I do not envy the agents that will be sent to kill this one, but I will feel sorry for them. Unless they are truly insane, I am sure that fighting an omnipotent being is not something that would appear on a normal person's bucket list.
As far as Action duty goes, it is a seemingly endless chain of back-to-back Intel runs. As soon as you return from a mission, the console already has another one queued up for you. Agents Minin and De Grasse have each spent a total of eight continuous hours in the Harry Potter continuum in search of Mary Sues—and they are still on the hunt. Arguments in favour of the Nexus initiative have been growing exponentially. While some argue that building permanent outposts in the Word Worlds will interrupt the traditional cycle of sorting, assigning, and scouting, I feel that it is a good idea to set up rest houses for Spies on stakeout duty.
But that’s enough rambling for now. Back to work.
Marianne Delacroix
* * * * *
>>View/Authentication[BOARD OVERRIDE]/Chatlogs/Today/Greenteam/ Log_0071-PC9-SL9-YM11
>>>>TRANSLATING… DONE
[Killerrabbit has joined the chat room]
[Dumplingsoup has joined the chat room]
Killerrabbit: Penny, is that you? If it is, stop changing your handle every time you log in.
Dumplingsoup: ya im here Lulu
Killerrabbit: Grammar, Penny. That was barely intelligible. And don’t call me “Lulu.” It’s embarrassing.
Dumplingsoup: Sorry. So, Luisa, how does it look on your end? Lots of badfic? I’m getting loads.
Killerrabbit: Yet more things from the circle of lemmings. I’ve yet to see a voles fic. There’s just so much stuff to go through. I found a LotR one where there’s a half-elf Sue whose elven father found the One Ring, got influenced—as he should be—and killed her mother when she tried to take it from him. So far so good.
Dumplingsoup: Yeah, I don’t know much about Rings. And then what?
Killerrabbit: Then the father manages to throw away the Ring.
Killerrabbit: No I just
Killerrabbit: Madre de Dios
Killerrabbit: you can’t just throw away the ring like that dammit
Killerrabbit: it exerts a massive influence on you—just look at Isildur during the war of the last alliance he couldn’t make himself get rid of it the ring bloody screws with your judgement
Dumplingsoup: Luisa, your SPaG is slipping.
Killerrabbit: and the sue is the fusion of the best traits of both species of course and the most beautiful thing on the gorram continent
Dumplingsoup: Luisa
Killerrabbit: and there are these zelda references too because theres no such thing as too many crossovers
Dumplingsoup: Luisa stop
Killerrabbit: what
Dumplingsoup: You’re ranting again.
Killerrabbit: Sorry.
Dumplingsoup: np np
Killerrabbit: What are you seeing on your end?
Dumplingsoup: Gah! I got this One Piece fic that goes sideways in under 200 words. Girl, 4 years old, pirate. Why? “Wise beyond her years.” She is an assistant chef/spy/assassin/gyps/chemical engineer. This is going to be entertaining.
Killerrabbit: The last skill is not like the others.
Dumplingsoup: Because you can learn enough about chemistry and physics to become a chemical engineer at the ripe old age of nineteen. The funniest thing is that the Internet tells me a gyps is either a swindler or a vulture.
Killerrabbit: How fitting.
Dumplingsoup: Anyways have to go now, more stuff to sort. Ten minutes left in the shift, I think I can squeeze another two fics through.
Killerrabbit: I’ll meet you at Rudi’s when we're done.
Dumplingsoup: Gotcha. It’s your turn to buy the drinks.
Killerrabbit: No, it’s your turn. I got them last time.
Dumplingsoup: That didn’t count; we got slammed with the Quotev discovery double shift.
Killerrabbit: Don’t try to weasel out of this, Penny.
[Dumplingsoup has left the chat room]
Killerrabbit: Dammit.
[CrazyIvan has joined the chat room]
CrazyIvan: Hey Luisa, Gaspard and I just got back from the Potterverse. We’re headed to Rudi’s as soon as we punch out. You coming? Drinks are on me.
Killerrabbit: I love you, Yakov.
[Killerrabbit has left the chat room]
CrazyIvan: What
[CrazyIvan has left the chat room]
Maybe they'll find the troll!fics that Lily and posted there. If so, I'm very, very sorry. Very.
And I don't now if anyone else noticed, but the board override code when hacking into the journal and the chat log made me laugh.
"We can see you, little spies!" *evil cackling laughter*
They're like islands of sanity in the giant sea of Sueness that is the Circle.
Though really, I shouldn't be sorry, because it's not really my fault... Also, that little call back to the agent who floods the cubicles trying to find Atlantis was amazing. I really do like the format of these little snippets, and I feel like it gets across how busy the poor Intel agents are very well.
Also, agents would try to have decent SPAG while on chat. :)
...once I'm done writing Episode 3 and Gaspard's fourth Intel report.
Curse you, final exams!
I kind of feel like this site is worse than the Pit, because I have read some amazing fanfiction on the Pit and I have yet to see a non-horrendous Circle of Lemmings fic.
The Intel agents must have to go into EVERY fic on the site. I feel so sorry for them. That makes this little scene pretty amusing.
...The Sorting Room filters out the most obvious badfic from the rest. Spies in the Action Room only have to go into fics that the people in Sorting have doubts about.
But yeah, the discovery of the circle has put Intel into overdrive mode. I can't wait to see what missions will emerge from Quotev...
Thank you for commenting!
Because I was the one who first discovered it by finding that Jeff the Killer sue.
Oh the things you find when you're just trying to find out what a proxy is in the Slenderman Mythos...
It amuses me how similar the chat sequence is to Boarders discussing badfics in our chat room. Change all the mentions of reports to missions, and this could be us!
So, circle of lemmings? I guess there's a new fanfic site out there now?
I may have struck some sort of inter-universe resonance cord or something...
It's probably not a new fanfic site, to be honest, but it is bad. Really bad. Fics of the site run the gamut from mediocre to please-shoot-me-now-and-gouge-out-the-eyes-from-my-corpse bad.
I'm imagining Officer Rooney suddenly developing an addiction to Bleeprin after going through the Sherlock section on the circle.
Thanks for commenting!
What, no mention of the Narnia fic I'm MSTing?
And that Sevenswans wants really badly to murder?
If we're going meta, my agents haven't gotten it yet because I'm still working on the permissions piece. Rest assured, Specs, I still desire to murder that fic. :)
Oh, I had no doubts that you'd maintained the... very deep desire to destroy everything. In that fic.
...but they're not omniscient. I believe you're referring to things that have happened on the Board whereas Marianne is writing about events in Headquarters.
I thought it was all one perspective, my bad.