Not bad for your first mission.

Subject: Not bad for your first mission.
Author: son_of_heaven176
Posted on: 2016-12-07 04:06:00 UTC

An extra-sparkly Sue, and the beginnings of some character development.

But also SPaG errors.

1) “Ah, but the words do say he was cursed with cleverness, don’t they Dee?”
Missing vocative comma.

2) Jack noted down the charge. “I should be making you do this,” he muttered under his breath. “I’m learning!” protested the Detective. He took a step back to ensure that Jack couldn’t ambush him with real work.

New speaker, new paragraph! In other words, it should read like this:
Jack noted down the charge. “I should be making you do this,” he muttered under his breath.

“I’m learning!” protested the Detective. He took a step back to ensure that Jack couldn’t ambush him with real work.

3) And what’s this place supposed to be? I only remember going to sleep, then freaking out when I realized I suddenly had room to breathe, so I couldn’t possibly be at the Dursley’s anymore,
Move the apostrophe: "at the Dursleys' anymore."

Reply Return to messages

Jump to this post's position in the thread ↴

And one from me as well. by Aegis on 2016-11-30 05:03:00 UTC Reply

Number one, actually.

The Detective has, at this point, already nosed around the PPC and has seen the major tools of the trade. This is essentially him job-shadowing Jack, and getting a feel for how things run at the PPC.

Without further ado, I present Jack Riggs and the Detective in: Death: Accept No Substitutes!

Not bad for your first mission. by son_of_heaven176 on 2016-12-07 04:06:00 UTC Reply

An extra-sparkly Sue, and the beginnings of some character development.

But also SPaG errors.

1) “Ah, but the words do say he was cursed with cleverness, don’t they Dee?”
Missing vocative comma.

2) Jack noted down the charge. “I should be making you do this,” he muttered under his breath. “I’m learning!” protested the Detective. He took a step back to ensure that Jack couldn’t ambush him with real work.

New speaker, new paragraph! In other words, it should read like this:
Jack noted down the charge. “I should be making you do this,” he muttered under his breath.

“I’m learning!” protested the Detective. He took a step back to ensure that Jack couldn’t ambush him with real work.

3) And what’s this place supposed to be? I only remember going to sleep, then freaking out when I realized I suddenly had room to breathe, so I couldn’t possibly be at the Dursley’s anymore,
Move the apostrophe: "at the Dursleys' anymore."

Got the little pests- thankya. (nm) by Aegis on 2016-12-07 18:46:00 UTC Reply

Nitpicks. by Hieronymus Graubart on 2016-12-05 18:53:00 UTC Reply

Sorry, I don’t have time for a proper review, but I noticed some errors.

The Detective, about to respond, cut off when he found that Harry was about to be sent out to garden.
Missing word "the"?

The Detective half smiled, and turned back to let the activity street pass before his eyes again.
What is an "activity street"? (There are probably some words missing.)

Jack nodded, turned and calmly out of the building, Dee following behind him.
Missing word (probably "went"?), although "calmly left the building" may work better.

HG

Fixed 'em- thanks very much! (nm) by Aegis on 2016-12-05 21:56:00 UTC Reply

*Gasp* by Larfen J. Stocke, esq on 2016-12-01 10:16:00 UTC Reply

His first!

His first!

His first his first his first!

You are no longer a mission-maiden, Aegis. Your mission maidenhood has been broken. You have become a real mission woman.
Good on ya, mate!

I mean, you know my thoughts on this already, oy? Not like you've gone and buggered it up, or anything, while we were looking away, eh?
Oh, great. by The Aviator on 2016-12-01 05:43:00 UTC Reply

You're not seriously that new Time Lord I've been hearing about, are you? Well, f*** me. Looks like another Council meeting's overdue.

Oh, yeah. I'm the Aviator, welcome to hell. I mean, the PPC. You're gonna love it here, once you get past the Daleks that you might bump into in the corridors. Just so long as you don't shoot them. They're... mostly friendly.

Anyway, nice job with the kill there, rookie. Stick around long enough and you'll become a proper agent in no time.

Watch out for this one, Riggs. You've got a handful.

Jack: Hey, look, Dee- by Anonymous on 2016-12-01 05:58:00 UTC Reply

'. . . someone liked it!'

Detective: But I thought you wrote it?
Jack: Don't push it.
Detective: Good to know on the Daleks. . . What the hell is a Continuity Council?
Jack: I look like a Time Lord? You can ask her yourself.
Detective: Either way, I'm glad someone's read it. Thanks for letting him know, "Aviator." He'd have been moping otherwise.
Jack: "I don't mope. . ."
The Detective: "Yes you do."

The Continuity Council... by The Librarian on 2016-12-01 08:02:00 UTC Reply

Is that which is responsible for the drinking problem some of HQ's Time Lords suffer from.

"The drinking is not the problem." by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-12-01 12:06:00 UTC Reply

"Indeed, when a meeting consists of forcing myself to endure the alleged company of roughly half a dozen borderline-psychotic renegades and their breathtakingly idiotic ideas on the proper Time Lord interactions with other species, drinking enough alcohol to stun a bull walrus is the only thing that alleviates the problem."

I'll have you know I'm a full-fledged psycho! by The Aviator on 2016-12-01 16:04:00 UTC Reply

It says so on my records, after all.

Not sure why you think piling on the paperwork will help alleviate the symptoms rather than exacerbate them.

This is why I drink. Well, this, and a s**tloadof other factors. But mostly this.

"In your case? That is simple." by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-12-01 17:57:00 UTC Reply

"Proper rehabilitation of those unfortunates suffering from glitter contamination is sped up significantly by adherence to rules and protocol, whether concerned with canon or 15-B requisition forms. Also, you hate doing it."

You are not wrong... by The Librarian on 2016-12-01 19:33:00 UTC Reply

In essence. But what you advocate is not adherence to rules; it is nothing more than mindless obedience to the worse things a demented bureaucracy could dream up.

-The Librarian

(PS: Notary, a good bureaucrat knows when to break the rules.
-Des)

"The key word is mindless, Jade Warden." by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-12-02 08:03:00 UTC Reply

"Can Moon Moon be trusted with anything requiring complex thought? No. We are hardly crack troops here - indeed, we are an organization of dismal malcontents allegedly-managed by a small provincial garden centre - but we can't just let anyone do the heavy thinking labour. They're not all suitable to the task. I mean, have you met humans?"

Rather an idiot than an ass. by Moonstone Sentry Aviator on 2016-12-02 15:50:00 UTC Reply

And might I remind you, Grey, that only a little over one twenty-fifth of my life was spent as a human? Eighteen years is nothing compared to our lifespans. So I'd thank you to not refer to me as a human.

"When I bring up humans as a species, Moon Moon..." by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-12-02 18:29:00 UTC Reply

"It doesn't mean it's necessarily about you. Then again, a pervasive delusion that everything is all about you is hardly unexpected in survivors of glitter contamination."

Except that one was as subtle as a ghoul eating you alive. by Marina Nicodelli on 2016-12-02 20:20:00 UTC Reply

Anyways, thanks for this stellar example, lady of ronflant title. Not having access a normal to technology doesn't seem that much of a loss when I see what use of it people do. Especially so-called 'evolved' people like you. Say the human wizard.

"You bein' here is not the safest thin', love." by William Grey on 2016-12-02 20:34:00 UTC Reply

"How bout we let the nice Time Lords to their own technology and go out somewhere?"

"Remind me why either of you are here?" (nm) by Spinel Promotor Notary of the ConCounOfGaInEx on 2016-12-02 22:41:00 UTC Reply

"Oh, well..." by Corolla on 2016-12-03 08:48:00 UTC Reply

"Council meeting are always fun to watch. Want some popcorn?"

*pulls out of hammerspace a popcorn bag nearly as big as she is*

... Sorry, but I don't accept things from Faes. by Marina Nicodelli on 2016-12-03 08:58:00 UTC Reply

Besides, while it's indeed entertaining, save for another 'humans are vermin' rant from another species, I'd prefer the catch up with Supernatural I was watching before this thin bega t brea dow agai

Hec

"Reinforce Eins in a sweater..." by Corolla on 2016-12-04 09:53:00 UTC Reply

"I'm a Unison Device, not a fairy! Though... considering the effect you seem to have on tecnology, and the fact I'm living magitek... yep, no offence meant but it's better if you keep your distance. I'm crashing enough with my CAD subprogram already.

Oh, I'm sending Makoto to have a look at your console. Or whatever you were writing on."

Sorry about that. by Richard Legard. on 2016-12-05 20:56:00 UTC Reply

You look like some Faes from her world, and even pixies can be dangerous, and bringing up Nanoha to her would be a mixed bag of curiosity and ... jealousy towards a 'half-baked 'verse getting the cake and keeping its bloody money'.

And yes, our console was due for a visit. I just got back, and we got this portal open and eating up most of the floor. My partner retreated to her lab, and unfortunately, her 'dog' is with her.

"Funny, I thought you were the cause of half the drinking." by The Reader, DIC on 2016-12-01 14:59:00 UTC Reply

"In fact, for some people, I think you're most of it."

-R

((I'm afraid I don't have time to read the mission right now--last week of classes which means essay; I'm only on the Board because I'm waking up--but I did want to make this comment. I'll hopefully read the mission sometime next week. ~DF))

Aaaaaand that was me. Professional to the last. (nm) by Aegis on 2016-12-01 06:00:00 UTC Reply

Re: And one from me as well. by Bram on 2016-11-30 18:16:00 UTC Reply

I liked the part where the canon examined them and found them wanting.
Let's comment. by Hardric on 2016-11-30 16:33:00 UTC Reply

I don't remember ever seeing an in media res here in PPC, but it sure made for an interesting read.

I found the badfic was well handed too, with few quotes scattered in your text, and not too many paragraphs of quotes.

I also found the interaction between Jack and the Detective fun to read (although I wonder if Jack know that aspirin and Time Lords don't mix or not).

One of my favorite moment was also how you narrated the neuralyzation.

Keep this up. I'm more than interested by reading more missions about your guys.