I can give it a stab.

Subject: I can give it a stab.
Author: Huinesoron
Posted on: 2016-11-12 21:17:00 UTC

Hey, that's a good idea, I should try that. No, wait, I shouldn't. :-/ Anyway, I can at least throw a few thoughts at you, good and bad:

I think you've done a good job of differentiating your agents' characters, both in terms of their dialogue and actions - I like the fact that Shimon's first line ties directly into his issues with water - and the way the narration treats them. Caprice tosses a ponytail over her shoulder; Shimon gets a low tremolo in his syrinx. It's a clever technique (assuming it's deliberate!). On the other hand, I think might take it too far at times (what in blazes is a syrinx, anyway?); don't fall victim to thesaurus disease.

Now, a question: whose head are we in, anyway? It seems to be Shimon most of the time - 'ignoring her cry of protest and her tiny fist pounding against his rib cage' - but we get random things like 'an affectation that he thought made him look distinguished' or 'perhaps that was why' etc that sound like they're picking on him. I feel like you have a third character trying to break through in the narration.

Ehm... your plot is good, though your answer to the question 'why does the vampire want coffee?' is 'he doesn't'. A partner is always a good way to force someone to do something; in the event that you can't do that, either (maybe his partner is a Dalek?), you'd need to work in another character who they both have reason (social or employment-based) to try and help. Arrogantly. Anyway, I think the plot as it stands works well - Shimon's initial resistance, his reason for acquiescing, and his 'victory' at the end (which makes me grin).

Speaking of which: humour. You haven't made the story overtly comedic, but what you have included is very well done. The deadpan 'So I shall only burn my feet' is wonderful (as is 'piddly splinters'... to be honest, Shimon is just funny), and you've also worked in a little slapstick - the initial foodfight description, the screep! moment. Though, speaking of the latter, your physics is off: if he's light enough to be dragged around, then sitting down isn't going to prevent that.

Had something else to say, what was it? Oh, yes: you did a good job of working in trinkets of PPC knowledge (Tantaflaf), and telling me what Shimon's type of vampire can do/what he looks like. On the one hand, the 'blue' part might have been good to know earlier; but on the other hand, I feel like some of it was probably extraneous anyway. I guess that's one of the hazards of Permission prompts, they can become As-You-Know-Bobs. But this one wasn't. If it were part of a Permission request, I think I would look on it favourably.

hS

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Permission Prompt challenge piece - Opinions requested. by Anonymous on 2016-11-12 19:58:00 UTC Reply

Preferably neutral opinions, hence the lack of name. Apologies if that's wigging anyone out. If you guess who I am, please don't out me, at least not right away.

I was challenged to write a Permission piece using a fairly old Nosgothic vampire, using the prompt "The agents must navigate a food fight to get to the coffee." Qualities I was meant to address in the challenge include vampires' weakness to water, arrogance, and need/desire for nothing besides blood.

I had an idea right away, so I went ahead and pulled about 800 words out of my butt, and now I submit them for the Board's review. So, let me know: if this were part of a real Permission attempt, would it pass muster?

Shimon rustled his black wings in quiet agitation. "Partner of mine, is it truly crucial to cross this dark sea of humanity?"

Caprice nodded. "Buddy, I need coffee like you need blood. This is happening."

However, they both hesitated. Beyond the doorway where they stood, the Cafeteria was in a full-spate riot. Food items of questionable provenance flew wildly in all directions. Agents climbed on chairs and tables to gain a better vantage; others scrambled under the same tables or else fled for the doors. Every so often, someone would escape and go pelting by the pair, leaving a spatter of mashed potatoes in their wake. Of course, mashed potatoes were the best-case scenario. Tantaflaf was almost always on the menu, and Shimon's keen vampiric senses identified what he would almost swear was brains. Not that he objected to viscera himself, but he hadn't heretofore had the impression that most humans were so open-minded about their food.

"I should have left that callow Martin to rot in his shell," he muttered, echoed by a low tremolo deep in his syrinx. "Now the fledgling is safe and sound back at the castle, and here I am, bound to a human with a death wish."

Caprice snorted and tossed her brown ponytail over her shoulder. "You're so dramatic. What's the big deal? It's not like they're throwing holy water and wooden stakes."

"For your information, mortal, we are not vulnerable to piddly splinters of wood. However, the chance that they may indeed be throwing water is one that I do take seriously. Water burns my kind like acid."

Caprice put her hands on her hips and took another good look around. "I think anything in a cup has probably spilled by now."

"Wonderful. So I shall only burn my feet."

"Can't you just, you know, fly over it?"

Shimon arched a long, sculpted eyebrow at her. "My wingspan is over nine feet wide, and there isn't enough clear space to get up to speed for a takeoff." He adjusted his circular spectacles—an affectation that he thought made him look distinguished. "The more I think on it, the more I find this endeavor to be pointless. I will learn nothing of undoing the corruption of demons here, so I will leave you to your hunt and go spend my time on something more fruitful."

He rose onto his toes from his crouch, unfolding his long, blue legs, and turned to go.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Caprice grabbed his hand and hauled in the direction of the doors.

Shimon let out an involuntary screep! in surprise and flapped for balance. However impressive he might look at his full height, he was lighter than his size would suggest. "Let go of me!"

"No! I'm getting my coffee, and you're helping. Put that ridiculous wingspan of yours to good use and cover me." She threw all her weight into pulling him toward the Cafeteria.

He could have just sat down, and that would have been the end of it. He was stronger than any human. More powerful, indeed, than most of the other species in Headquarters. And perhaps that was why he allowed himself to go along with it. He could just imagine this impetuous young mortal running her mouth about how the big bad Razielim was afraid of a little food fight, and the thought was perfectly abhorrent.

"Very well," he growled, baring his fangs. "But we do it my way."

He picked his partner up and tucked her firmly under one arm, ignoring her cry of protest and her tiny fist pounding against his rib cage, and sprang forward. Rising to his full nine and a half feet of height, he stood above most of the comestible carnage and bounded over people and furniture alike, wings extended for balance and for the occasional boost. He couldn't get a full downsweep, but even a partial was enough to provide acceleration and knock some idiots down along the way.

Finally, he leaped over the service counter and deposited Caprice on the floor beneath the coffee urns. She sat still for a moment, dazed at the suddenness of it all, and straightened her windswept hair and clothes.

"Wow," she said.

"Yes, yes. Get your coffee so we may be gone. I do not know if this cover will remain adequate for long."

She nodded and pulled her thermos out of her backpack, located the regular coffee, and filled it. Once the lid was securely refastened, she looked up at Shimon and nodded. "Okay. I'm ready this time. Let's go."

He looked down his nose and grinned. "Caprice, I have changed my mind. I do not wish to carry you again. I will see you back at the response center if you survive. Good luck!" He vaulted the counter again before she could react.

"You bastard! Get your feathery blue butt back here!" she shouted, but in three heartbeats, he'd cleared the room and was gone.

Bio notes:

(Or, Things I couldn't work into the story, but thought worth mentioning for context.)

Shimon is a Nosgothic vampire of the Razielim clan, from an AU timeline in which they were not eradicated by Kain. They have evolved to resemble the Ancient Vampires, with increasingly bird-like traits each new period of evolution. (See this lovely lady's LoK-related gallery for reference.) Shimon's wings and syrinx are fully developed, marking him as a very old burdy. He is a historian with an interest in the corruption inflicted on his homeworld by the demonic Hylden, and by extension the corruption of Mary Sues and other badfic influences. While humans aren't treated like cattle in his time, they are used as slaves. He sees them as entertaining pets at best, idiotic cretins fit only for food at worst.

Caprice is your basic World One college girl who joined the PPC for all the usual reasons. She loves her fandoms, she's not afraid to get down and dirty for them, and she's a bit of a smartass. She likes classic monsters, but she's not a gamer, so she doesn't know much about LoK, let alone AUs of it.

I know the first critique I can think of is that Caprice is less developed than Shimon. However, my challenge was based on the supposed difficulty of writing a Nosgothic vampire in the PPC, so that's what I focused on here. Were this an actual Permission attempt, I'd make up for it in the other prompt.

So, it was me. by Neshomeh on 2016-11-17 16:30:00 UTC Reply

I'm a little sad there wasn't more of a response—I was curious!—but I get that anonymous posting freaks people out. Oh well. Thanks, hS and Tira, for being good sports. {= )

Now, follow-up question: another part of my challenge was to write Nume as a Nosgothic vampire. I figured that was easy; personality-wise, he's already halfway there. I had to adjust his background and speech patterns, of course, but still. Now that you know, do you see it?

~Neshomeh

Called it. by Huinesoron on 2016-11-17 16:37:00 UTC Reply

Seriously, you didn't spot the acrostic? I am sorely disappointed in you, Neshomeh.

As for Shimon == Nume... interesting. I guess what I want to ask is, other than 'acting like he's better than you', what did you do to make Shimon Nume? This doubles up as another question: what do you think separates Nume from, say, the Notary, or early Agent hS - other than species? What makes him unique among the arrogant quarter of HQ?

(I ask this for both our sakes - yours because I think getting your thought process written down will help you understand it, and mine because I'm fed up of all my characters converging on 'snarky-but-friendly one-liners' and would love some advice on how to separate them - again, other than species and circumstance.)

hS

There's an acrostic? by Neshomeh on 2016-11-17 17:12:00 UTC Reply

... So there is. And I did miss it. Phooey. {X D I figured you'd know exactly what was going on, though.

My process for translation started with basic personality, including stuff like sarcasm, misanthropy, being a know-it-all, a touch of vanity, etc. Then it gets into interests. Nume Prime is a sci-fi and fantasy geek, but they don't have Star Trek and LotR in Nosgoth, so I had to go for something else. History geek is close, and giving him an interest in the Hylden's corruption also gave me a reason for him to join the PPC: he's interested in undoing said corruption. This also ties into one of Nume's stealth traits, which is that he is a protector. He doesn't show it overtly, but he loves Middle-earth, Trek, etc. If he didn't, he wouldn't be doing this job despite all his bitching about it.

The squick intolerance could easily still be a thing, abetted by the fact that Nosgoth vamps are sterile and only "reproduce" by passing the blood curse on to humans. (Not that I imagine Shimon would have any interest in doing that, either.) He could also still have his eidetic memory, though the Bleep habit could prove tricky if the Razielim are avian enough to be allergic to it. Still, there is still that pesky need to drink blood in order to avoid withering away and dying. I don't imagine he enjoys having to do that.

Aaand I am just about out of time, so more later. Any specific questions I can address?

~Neshomeh

Bleep and Avian Physiology. by Bramandin on 2017-05-24 16:51:00 UTC Reply

I have my second-generation Nosgothan vampire use dermal Suebeprophen patches. She admits that she doesn't know if she's allergic to Bleeperin.

I like it! by Tira on 2016-11-14 15:51:00 UTC Reply

I know I'm not a Permission giver, so this is more of a general opinion, but I found it a great read. I know nothing about LoK, but I like the characters a lot, and I find myself hoping that Shimon and Caprice will make another appearance.
I can give it a stab. by Huinesoron on 2016-11-12 21:17:00 UTC Reply

Hey, that's a good idea, I should try that. No, wait, I shouldn't. :-/ Anyway, I can at least throw a few thoughts at you, good and bad:

I think you've done a good job of differentiating your agents' characters, both in terms of their dialogue and actions - I like the fact that Shimon's first line ties directly into his issues with water - and the way the narration treats them. Caprice tosses a ponytail over her shoulder; Shimon gets a low tremolo in his syrinx. It's a clever technique (assuming it's deliberate!). On the other hand, I think might take it too far at times (what in blazes is a syrinx, anyway?); don't fall victim to thesaurus disease.

Now, a question: whose head are we in, anyway? It seems to be Shimon most of the time - 'ignoring her cry of protest and her tiny fist pounding against his rib cage' - but we get random things like 'an affectation that he thought made him look distinguished' or 'perhaps that was why' etc that sound like they're picking on him. I feel like you have a third character trying to break through in the narration.

Ehm... your plot is good, though your answer to the question 'why does the vampire want coffee?' is 'he doesn't'. A partner is always a good way to force someone to do something; in the event that you can't do that, either (maybe his partner is a Dalek?), you'd need to work in another character who they both have reason (social or employment-based) to try and help. Arrogantly. Anyway, I think the plot as it stands works well - Shimon's initial resistance, his reason for acquiescing, and his 'victory' at the end (which makes me grin).

Speaking of which: humour. You haven't made the story overtly comedic, but what you have included is very well done. The deadpan 'So I shall only burn my feet' is wonderful (as is 'piddly splinters'... to be honest, Shimon is just funny), and you've also worked in a little slapstick - the initial foodfight description, the screep! moment. Though, speaking of the latter, your physics is off: if he's light enough to be dragged around, then sitting down isn't going to prevent that.

Had something else to say, what was it? Oh, yes: you did a good job of working in trinkets of PPC knowledge (Tantaflaf), and telling me what Shimon's type of vampire can do/what he looks like. On the one hand, the 'blue' part might have been good to know earlier; but on the other hand, I feel like some of it was probably extraneous anyway. I guess that's one of the hazards of Permission prompts, they can become As-You-Know-Bobs. But this one wasn't. If it were part of a Permission request, I think I would look on it favourably.

hS

A few answers. by Anonymous on 2016-11-12 21:56:00 UTC Reply

I don't want to say too much for fear of giving up the game, but:

These guys have both a larynx in the usual place and a syrinx at the bifurcation of the trachea, from whence his birdy noises come. It was the only word for the job.

If I revise this (and I might!), I'll clean up the whose-head stuff. Thanks.

The vampire doesn't want coffee, but the prompt only needs him to get to the coffee. I decided to take the wording literally.

My line of thinking on the physics is that his higher center of gravity, plus being top-heavy due to his wings, plus not being as heavy overall as he should be, would make him easier to throw off balance if taken by surprise, as he was here. By the same token, lowering his center of gravity by sitting down would make it harder for him to be dragged around, and he could focus on using his strength to stay put. Does that make sense?

Thanks for responding!