Subject: Nice job! (SPOILERS)
Author:
Posted on: 2016-09-29 15:25:00 UTC
It's going to be interesting to see what you do with Ix and Charlotte. I like how you made up for the lack of much bad writing (other than Sues) with agent development.
My only criticisms are about describing Charlotte's eyes as turning "dark black" and that perhaps the shipping is happening too quickly, but I'm sure you know what you're doing. You're a brilliant writer, after all. :-)
Ix and Charlotte get to deal with a pair of Little Mermaid Sues, and they're about as happy as a Fish Out of Water.
So far, it seems that everything that needs to be said has been said. Perhaps I was reading too fast, or maybe you fixed the errors, but I did not spot the comma-period substitutions that Larfen noticed. In fact, I do not recall spotting any errors this mission. Kudos to you and your betas.
But I need to apologize in advance for putting a damper on every shipper's favorite scene, as something does not make sense:
In the kissing scene, wasn't Charlotte's ostensible goal to show how kissing in the midst of a bridal carry does not really work? If so, then how did Charlotte's stunt accomplish that?
I went through and looked for the period-comma errors but didn't spot any. *shrugs* Maybe we're both blind.
And her ostensible goal was more "this is a more comfortable way for both parties", but really, she just wanted an excuse to kiss her.
I'm fine with this.
It's so adorable!
Everything is adorable!
Hnnnnnnnnnng
Mate, the characterisation here is brilliant. There are so many small sort've things that are just there for characterisation, and they're so bloody human. Bloody legendary.
There are quite a few cases, though, of full stops being in the place of commas, especially in the later half, which is a wee bit awkward. Doesn't take much out of the mission, 'course.
Also, that cardboard Sue thing was great - funny, unique, surprisingly refreshing.
Proper brilliant mission, especially impressive considering the blandness of the fic you took on.
Mah heart!
...but we're neglecting the most important thing.
*beat*
It's shipnames. I nominate Bloods and Furries!
~Mattman, who's Inb4 some poor bloke has to make a PPC version of the RWBY Ship Sheet
Besides, I've nominated "Tooth and Claw" a while back :P
Sweet Philemon, that was indeed really bland. The cardboard thing was a good idea for showing that too. Good thing that your agents are so interesting to read.
And to... Nobody's surprise, a new ship sets sail. I 'vote' for naming it 'IxiLottie'.
(P.S. Why I'm thinking about RariJack when I see them?)
Glad people are finding them interesting. ^^; As for ship names, I've been using Charlix, but IxiLottie and Tooth and Claw seem to be floating around now as well...
(Maybe because one's rather glamorous, the other down-to-earth?)
Because it sounds awesome, and kind of reminds me of a nickname my mom had for me when I was little.
--Key
P.S. One reason I found this mission extremely entertaining is because Charlotte is reminding me more and more of myself. I get super excited about things, twirl, slip pickup lines into conversations, wheedle people into dancing with me, and all that. Also, this is 100% how I would go about seducing someone.
If those sues turned out to be cardboard,could sue cardboard boxes become a thing? I'd imagine not but it would make for a interesting execution for other 1-dimensional glitter creatures. All you'd need would be masking tape and some box knives.
Normally I try to work on 'I've read it, so now I need to comment'. But today I started by commenting on unrelated trivia, which made me feel like I needed to read the mission...
Anyway, long story short: d'aww.
~
Arright, arright, more useful comments: I like the fact that Ixilotte (is that what we're calling them?) don't spend their entire time in 'ugh this fic is so bad it makes me want to kill myself' mode. It felt a lot like TOS, with the sense that they're a) angry on behalf of the canon/good writing, rather than because they're ~*sUfFeRrInG*~, and b) genuinely happy to be in the canon. Charlotte in particular was just a breath of fresh air.
PS (er, Pre-S?): 'seaweed top'. Am I supposed to be picturing a tank-top type thing, a seaweed bikini, or what? For some reason, that question really bothers me.
hS
Glad to know I succeeded in making this one a fun mission despite the fic's dullness. I rewatched the movie recently and got the itch to go mission something from there, so I think my enthusiasm for it bled through in Charlotte's attitude. :)
Is that a dollmaker picture? It's impressively versatile if so (I suppose that's easier when your 'clothes' are limited to tail colour and type of bikini?)
Though the nitpicker in me queries what kind of broadleaf seaweed they have in those parts... and then goes to look at pictures of seaweed and confirms that actually, it's just about possible... and then gets sidetracked wondering about the varying desirability of wet slimy plants vs hard pointy shells as clothing.
My inner nitpicker appears to have a short attention span.
hS
(Underwater seaweed'd probably be better; think wetsuit. On land, stick with the shells, if only because the seaweed will dry out and start tearing in short order. SCIENCE.)
I am so ashamed.
hS
You can find the one I used here.
Your inner nitpicker is always interesting to hear from, at least. :P
While the badfic was indeed beige as heck, Ix and a very lively Charlotte more than made up for it. Our resident Twilight vampire sure enjoyed being a mermaid, and the "kiss demonstration" part was funny and endearing at the same time - I like how you're developing the relationship between the two.
Only point, that "dark black" did make me raise an eyebrow at the beginning, but it was deliberate, right? After all, Lotte IS a Twilight vampire.
I was looking for an opening for Charlotte to take the initiative and this fic was perfect, I think. I hope? ^^; I was worried their relationship might be moving a bit fast, but people seem to think it's going alright, so fingers crossed...
I already fixed the dark black thing; that was just me derping hard.
Let's have a play-by-play of the situation, Jon!
- Hey, Lottie, your Sparklepire is showing. You know, touchy-grabby and all that.
- Giant POV! :D POVs are always fun!
- Nope, I still think it's her inner Sparklepire that needs to be released once in a while.
- Can I pitch in on that bet, ladies? I'm saying she's just a jealous human best friend with a complex!
- A seaweed top? Huh... Guess it's better than Shell Bra.
- Okay, this thing with Lottie bein' all twirly better lead to something! It appears too often for just a one-time joke!
- Smoooth pick-up line, Lottie. Reeeeeally smooth.
- Where's Ursula?
- Ah, there she is! Heh... To be fair, it's kinda funny for these outside characters to actually stumble upon the singing scene. I mean, it's like if during Under the Sea Triton looked out the window and went "Neptune's Beard, what are they doing?!"
- Okay, Ursula would go for something far more tricky than just "okay, your job, please." She would've make sure the Sue wouldn't be able to fulfill the contract! That's just stupid!
- SERIOUSLY?! Hahaha! Lottie, you devil! Yep, a perfect opportunity to snatch a kiss!
Ooooh, my ship for them, HMS Tooth and Claw, is sailing juuuust fine. Love every single mission they're in!
It's going to be interesting to see what you do with Ix and Charlotte. I like how you made up for the lack of much bad writing (other than Sues) with agent development.
My only criticisms are about describing Charlotte's eyes as turning "dark black" and that perhaps the shipping is happening too quickly, but I'm sure you know what you're doing. You're a brilliant writer, after all. :-)
I meant for that to be dark purple, not dark black. Herpaderpderp. :P
Well, you know what they say. Start with the small stuff.
What is this, Ix, number 65?
hS
[Checks own mission count] ... 46. My vanity is not appeased.
Though I guess that's still a moderately big number... :-/
hS
Average number is, what, 3?
I'm holding off on sporking My Immortal until Mission 100, so that might not be for a year or two...