Subject: Thank you kindly :) (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2016-08-16 15:46:00 UTC
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New interlude! by
on 2016-08-13 02:50:00 UTC
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Wherein an agent fresh out of her first mission pays a completely uneventful visit to the Nursery...
We hope you enjoy! -
No SPaG errors. Yeah, that is – ah – mostly true? by
on 2016-08-22 11:08:00 UTC
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The memory of what had happened to her closest friend, and the only one she’d had for years, still haunted her to this day — and it felt like a bit of relief to share her feelings to his partner’s new partner.
Who is he? If you are still talking about Lapis, it should be "her partner’s new partner".
Anju, having had it enough as it after trying to stay out of it, spoke up at that point.
Do you mean "having had enough of it"? Continuing with "after trying to stay out of it" sounds still a bit clumsy. You may want to replace either "enough of it" by "enough of this" or "out of it" by something more specific like "out of the discussion" or "quarrel" or whatever "it" is.
"But t-that is … so horrible," Anju replied with a tearful expression, then turning to Aiko, determinedly said, "Aiko, don’t you think it is time to end this terrible feud of yours? You have alway been jealous of her, yet she has clearly suffered for more than its worth. "
alway should be "always".
The worth of what are you talking about? Did you mean "more than it is worth"? ("it is" may be contracted to "it’s", "its" is a possessive pronoun).
Also, the whole thing is a bit running on. I’d recommend to split the action between the spoken lines into two sentences.
"That would probably be a good idea," asked Binary.
How do you ask that?
And indeed, the one she had was Anju, her Digipartner.
This sounds weird. May there be a word missing?
Anju! It’s so good to see to see you again!
Too many words? I don’t believe that Aiko talks like that, even when she is excited.
It’s not that we are both on a break long enough to actually meet each other.
I’m not sure whether Anju means what I read here. "It’s not that ...", being a bit colloquial, implies that Anju currently is not on a break he deems long enough, and somehow (how?) also knows that Aiko is not on a long enough break, too, so that actually meeting each other is a really weird coincidence. I guess Anju means "It’s not usual that ..." or "It doesn’t happen often that ...".
And I guess that the period should actually be a comma, because the sentence is continued by "Anju replied ..." (that’s a really tricky punctuation rule because what was replied were actually several sentences).
And there is not much we can’t do since ...
Is the double negation intentional? There is actually a lot they can do? (Using double negations while meaning a single negation is significant for some dialects, but I don’t believe that Aiko talks like that.)
Still, we should enjoy this moment while it last. Where you headed?
Should be "lasts" (third person) and "Where are you headed?", although leaving "are" out may be an intentional colloquialism. (Again, I don’t believe that Aiko talks like this.)
I specially like seeing the ones we knew growing up and still there.
I’m starting to wonder whether Aiko has a habit of leaving "are" out. Maybe the sentence should better end after "growing up", because she obviously can’t see the ones who aren’t still there.
Also, MS Word Spell and Grammar Check thinks that specially is not the right choice of word, it should be "especially", but that’s beyond my understanding of this foreign language.
And even we do, it’s probably unlike that it would always on same day and time like this
Aiko continues to leave words out. This should probably be "And even if we do, it’s probably unlike that it would always happen on the same day and time like this". Also, unlike may need to be "unlikely".
We are both always get too many missions for that.
To compensate for Aiko, Anju inserts an "are" that doesn’t need to be there.
Yeah, me too. Hopefully we can find soon now.
And then, Anju leaves out an "it" (should be "find it soon").
Aiko hugged her right back, a warm smile showing itself on her face.
How does the smile do that? Actually, the face is doing the showing, so even "a warm smile showing on her face" is a bit weird, although not unusual ("her face showing a warm smile" would be more accurate); the word "itself" definitely should not be there.
I don’t particularly mind, if helps you with your class, but what is it that you would be talking about?
Another "it" missing (should be "if it helps you with your class").
She bit her lip nervously.
Who? Obviously not Lapis, the last female character mentioned. With so many female characters being around, figuring out who it is takes too long. Better just say "Diane".
Aiko, don’t think you played a part into that as well?
Should be "don’t you think".
Enjoying this was difficult, seeing how often I was forced to figure out what was said and done. Halfway through I was close to give up, but it got better from there.
HG -
Profit, profit, from the briefly stable, Internet! by
on 2016-08-15 13:20:00 UTC
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Okay, that's an interesting connectin to have between them, I guess. And having them called out by their Poke/Digi-partner was a nice touch too. (Will Anju have its own missions someday?)
And now, anybody can see where this next mission will go. How bad will the two of them screw up, though? anyways, spectacle is guaranteed. -
Glad you liked it. by
on 2016-08-15 14:03:00 UTC
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And yes, hopefully I'll get on with writing some missions for Anju as well soon enough. I just still haven't figured out where to send her or who her partner should be yet.
And well, you will just have to wait and see. But you're right. Entertainment should be guaranteed with the way it's turning out. ;)
But since we're speaking of co-writes: I will probably do a couple solo missions for now, gotta give Henry some more spotlight after all and I have a few HP badfics I wanna deal with that should perfect for that, but would you be available for that co-write we were talking before anytime soon? -
Delayed answer... It will be complicated. by
on 2016-08-20 19:51:00 UTC
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First, I hope to do a cowrite with Skarmory too, and I have got an interlude with Matt waiting somewhere... But all of that is irrelevant right now, because my laptop is unusable for an undetermined time (exposition models, be all cursed. Especially Lenovo ones).
Sorry about that. I'll mail you when I'm free to work with you in a stable way. And Skarmory and Matt too, for that matter. -
No problem. by
on 2016-08-22 18:23:00 UTC
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Hope that gets sorted out soon. It will take a while on my end too, so it's more than OK. I'll be looking forward to doing that sometime, whenever that may be. :D
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Good job. by
on 2016-08-15 01:07:00 UTC
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I liked the interaction between the agents, and especially the way that Diane pointed a way towards some kind of reconciliation. Let's see if anything comes of it.
And more than that: I didn't spot any SPaG errors!
I look forward to seeing how Aiko and Lapis continue from here.
(OT: Speaking about agent interaction, paging SkarmorySilver:
I'm curious: What's Backslash's progress on teaching Cupid how to read?) -
Thank you kindly :) (nm) by
on 2016-08-16 15:46:00 UTC
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Oh wow, that's a first! Thankies! by
on 2016-08-15 12:55:00 UTC
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And while I cam say that some decent progress has been made so far regarding Cupid's literacy, you'll have to wait for a future mission involving these two if you want more specific details (assuming I do make plans for one!).
And like James Shields said, we've got a mission in the works that's basically one giant follow-up to this little story. Believe me, Lapis' tale is far from over! ;) -
Thank you! =D by
on 2016-08-15 02:43:00 UTC
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I personally rsther like how this all turned out. And if you liked the interactions on this interlude, I think you'll rather enjoy the mission co-write we have up next.