Subject: New Mission
Author:
Posted on: 2016-08-08 15:09:00 UTC
Kelly goes into a troll fic. Harsh concrit is welcome.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SMFa42H78duW3SqiIRIhmFgj5NmWgUthzf9YnyCiV3k/edit?usp=sharing
Subject: New Mission
Author:
Posted on: 2016-08-08 15:09:00 UTC
Kelly goes into a troll fic. Harsh concrit is welcome.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SMFa42H78duW3SqiIRIhmFgj5NmWgUthzf9YnyCiV3k/edit?usp=sharing
Sorry for not commenting on that. It feels so incomplete that I don't know where to start, and I can't take responsibility for linking this as a completed mission on the Wiki. I recommend to rewrite, paying much more attention to what the readers need to know so that they can understand what's going on (starting with why Kelly needs a new Partner and what happened to September, and maybe you should have told Djinn's backstory before you send it on a mission).
Also sorry for being so late. I'm still spending lots of time on wrestling with Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.
HG
Who is Djinn? Is it the dummy? Are the man and girl part of the fic? Why did the agents interact with the old man? Is he Dem? Who is Dem?
You appear to have a problem clarifying who's who. Having the dummy introduce itself with a name, for instance, would help clear everything up.
In short: I am having a hard time making heads or tails of what is going on. It is unclear whether this was an actual mission or a training simulation. Also, don't refer to characters with multiple terms without connecting them first.
I guess this drives home that I should not work without a beta. I'm having trouble getting attention for these.
Djinn is a god-mode wraith that could see through the SEP field and managed to not be exorcised. He's more of an anti-sue, so he was allowed to exist and tag along on missions.
The old man is Dem, and a similar anti-sue god-mode.