Subject: Not the craziest story premise ever.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-11-15 16:54:00 UTC
Jesus, a vampire slayer? I can see that happening.
Before anybody starts in, I am a sworn Catholic. And I thoroughly enjoy poking fun at my own faith.
Especially when one of the Bible stories involves a prophet summoning FREAKING BEARS to maul a couple of naysayers.
I'm not finding this one on the wiki, and I don't recall seeing a mission:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8545259/4/The-Untold-Story-of-Rose
"Takes place at the beginning of the Two Towers. Rose is an elf raised by humans. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli find her in a river and she decides to help find their friends. Later on, she makes the decision to accompany them throughout their journey. Will she learn to trust again? Will her spirit remain free, or will love trap it?"
It's not badly written, the grammar and punctuation looks reasonable (though I haven't gone through the whole thing). But the idea of an elf raised as a human but still better at "elven" abilities than Legolas just doesn't fit.
Agreed, it's not terribly written. The logic, on the other hand... ow. >.
Yes, because Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli are totally going to divert their HIGHLY time-sensitive pursuit to mess around with some random chick sitting in a river. That makes perfect sense. Oh, but wait—they do remember they're on a highly time-sensitive chase. So they take off and expect her to keep up if she wants to go with them. Some random girl without even her own clothes to wear, who is human for all they know at that point, and not one of your hardy Ranger types, either. Riiight. Smooth.
They ought to know she's an elf just by looking at her anyway. They're, y'know, preternaturally beautiful and perfect and stuff. It would take a lot of work to make one of the Eldar appear mortal. 'Course, I also question just what she's doing there in the first place. What happened to her parents, what were they doing there, where did they come from, etc.?
And that's all before she starts manifesting her speshul Mary Sue powers.
I don't know how sporkable this is, given the relatively good writing, but it definitely deserves some attention.
~Neshomeh
'Replacement Dash Attempts to Destroy My Little Pony' wasn't bad as far as grammar and punctuation went, either. That one still proved to be highly sporkable despite the lack of technical charges.
-shudders-
It's just a lot easier when the fic practically makes fun of itself with typos, malapropisms, and backward grammar. I personally prefer targets that make me giggle all on their own. *g*
This, on the other hand, is just irritating as far as I've seen.
~Neshomeh
Maybe it'd work for a newbie (or any agent, really) getting trained in LOTR character personalities?
This fic would be immensely sporkable if it were longer. For now, it's just laughable. It managed to knock Spock OOC to the point of being a character replacement in 422 words.
The summary: this is my 1st fic! Ples r&r. Jade Flower is promoted to USS Entepriz where she meets spok & kirc. what will hapen next? Read to see!
The link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5105462/1/Jade-Flower
...but I believe Spok started laughing because it was the only way to express his rage at that point in the story. She replaced him in three sentences.
I run the OFU for Star Trek. Though if you happen to want to adopt him, after the year is done I'm sure that can be arranged.
Evil Suethor, making me mess up a character name...
*yawn* Really, author. If you're going to write a trollfic, at least try to be original. Even other trolls can't appreciate this one, judging by some of the reviews.
At least the bad spelling is plausible. I guess that's worth some points. And I did love the author's note in the second chapter. Classic Mary Sue denial. ^_^
~Neshomeh, observing again that all that is bad does not sparkle. Or something.
Another one?
Were they as ballsy as the one on Fanfiction.net who blatantly called her troll fic a My Immortal sequel?
That's painful to read. Oh, and summaries cause minis as well, so don't forget to pick up the USS Entepriz, too.
Owie, that spelling is bad.
'Jenes' is jeans? Really, author?
I need some bleepolate milk... -chugs-
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8036563/1/Goodbye-For-Now
An OC/Wheatley story. Kat had nothing left to lose now, she might as well at least try and carry on... But did that mean that he was out of her life for good? Rated T for now, may change to M if necessary.
Blarg. So, 'Kat' replaces Chell in Portal 2, and sticks Wheatley into GLaDOS's (what do you call it? Cradle? Mainframe?) but her ability to actually talk stops Wheatley from doing his whole 'why do you have to leave now?' bit. So Kat decides that because OMG Wheatley' so mean she'll just stay in Aperture. And then Wheatley puts GLaDOS back in charge so he can go comfort Kat, who is a super-speshul maid android. Also, GLaDOS and Wheatley are both humans.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7524541/1/renegade
Since Chell has escaped the facility, Wheatley must find a new labrat to play with. He didn't expect his new "toy" would be so hard to tame... Wheatley/ OC
Trigger warning for rape. Yet more human-Wheatley. Wheatley is somehow in charge post-Portal 2, and opens up a new test subject (where'd he get that from? Did he send Atlas and P-Body to get them?) Alice Griffen. She then does the whole 'I won't test and you can't make me!' apparently preferring to sit in the Relaxation Chamber. And then in chapter four he attempts to rape her (the chapter ends before we see anything, but trigger warning all the same)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8235441/1/Extrile-Ventrify
The sexah new goth gurrl finds her destiny at a school caled HOgwarts, an is later whisked away too the world of APERature Science Innovates
Portal trollfic. Not much else to say.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8504243/1/Grief-and-Souls & http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8625331/1/The-Girl-Who-Lives-Forever
The Doctor shows up in Mitakihara for some reason. Really, he doesn't do anything - he doesn't change anything in the canon and most of the story is bits of him intercut with canon scenes. And then when Kyouko and Sayaka dies, he decides to first threaten to eradicate Kyubey from existance, then tells Kyubey that Kyubey should kill him, and UGH. I can't really find a plot, and it doesn't seem to have any point.
... Wow. I guess I didn't need to know that Portal fics actually existed... I mean, I get that it vaguely ties in to some other game (Half-Life? I've only ever played Portal, though,) but I just don't know how people get some of these ideas. I probably don't want to know.
To answer your question about the Portal and Half-Life connection, both games take place in the same universe and are actually pretty involved in each other. The events of Portal happen sometime after the Seven Hour War (where Earth and its defenders get ROFLstomped by the highly advanced Combine war machine) and Portal 2 is set an indeterminate number of years later. The Borealis, an Aperture Science research vessel, is mentioned in Half-Life 2: Episode 2 as a major plot point.
Black Mesa and Aperture were bitter rivals in universe. Fun fact: you can see a Gravity Gun and a HEV suit charger in Aperture's labs in the Lab Rat comic, both of which are Black Mesa/Postwar technologies.
/fanboyism and TMI
There's probably a lot of jokes in Portal that I'm not getting, but my approach to it has always been "hey, there's a first person game that doesn't require (much) shooting things and dying! I'm getting Myst flashbacks!"
"Also, GLaDOS and Wheatley are both humans."
Now, if it wasn't a Portal badfic, that might make for a cool Ghost In The Shell spinoff.
I'd tackle one of the DWxPMMM ones, but a) the current co-write isn't finished, and b) I've got my plate full with those YGO5Ds x MGLN ones.
A Journey to the Beginning of Time (Rated K) is basically 11th Doctor, Amy and Rory visit The Creation (yes, that one from the Bible. I kid you not). I'm not sure whether this 'fic is just crack or genuinely bad.
Jesus Christ: Vampire Slayer (Rated M due to gore and lots of curses, including the F, N and C words; probably offensive to Christians, beginning from a certain level of devotion), on the other hand, is crack Up to Eleven. Jesus, the Apostles, Mary Magdalene and the rest live in modern America. Jesus is a vampire hunter and behaves like a GTA player, Mary Magdalene is, well, a whore, Paul is a afro-American bar owner... I'm not sure whether those guys are IC or not, but they sure swear a lot. Oh, and Jesus' target? Ew-dard Cullen. Apparently Ewdard turned the whole of Forks into garden-variety vampires and is planning to Take Over the World...
TBH, the more I read JC:VH, the more it seems like an anti-Twilight 'fic. I'm not sure whether to be offended or to laugh.
I Got The Last Room (Rated T) is what seems like a DWxBible oneshot goodfic; it's basically 'the Ninth Doctor shows up in the inn Mary and Joseph were turned away from in Bethlehem', and it's pretty good. Characters are IC, the setting's depicted believably, no SPaG problems, and the story's enjoyable.
Jesus, a vampire slayer? I can see that happening.
Before anybody starts in, I am a sworn Catholic. And I thoroughly enjoy poking fun at my own faith.
Especially when one of the Bible stories involves a prophet summoning FREAKING BEARS to maul a couple of naysayers.
It was Elisha, and he did that because some kids called him 'baldy' or something similar. (It's 2 Kings 2:23-24.)
There is a moratorium on doing missions involving the Bible. (And, I assume, the Quran and other religious texts, although it's never been brought up.)
Someone told me that when I found The Prayer Warriors (which was taken down from the Pit, BTW).
That sounds like the name of a Christian rock band that started out playing at church socials...
It was this awfully fundamentalist series of stories about faith-overpowered Sues and Stus that, in order to defend the Christian religion, went on to enter several canons and kill characters "allied with Satan" like Harry Potter (yup) and convert to their beliefs the others (making them into ridiculous passive and devoted bits).
It was out of PPC reach, though, as the PPC doesn't touch fics involving real religions. The chances of accidentally offending someone are too high.
I'm Christian myself, and yet I was really, really horrified by that. You know, it's supposed to be a religion about love, tolerance and good deeds
Good thing it's long gone, 'cause I was so angered by that at the time that if they had killed some of my favourite character I would have been ready to get my permission revoked and leave the community just to spork the living daylights out of it.
Good thing that JulyFlame talked some sense into me before a Prayer Warriors fic about killing Card Captor Sakura ever appeared.
Harry James Potter is allied with Satan? Oh, my God...
(Totally with you on being horrified - Catholic, m'self.)
You've just given me an awful mental picture of one of them going after Nanoha or Fate. Or worse, VIVIO. Or, wait, worse than that - Olivie. Ugh.
I grant that there was an instance of a human being raised by elves - Aragorn, I believe the name is? (Or, at least, he's very well affiliated with elves.)
But he's still human, and very much outclassed by Legolas in certain fields, because there are just some things humans can not do that elves can.
And being raised one way and born the other has an interesting way of negating the latter's effects on the child in question. While it isn't impossible for an elf to be raised human, odds are that she wouldn't just pick up on her ancestry like that and just totally roll with it.
And just the notion of joining the Fellowship is a call back to the original series - every single instance of a character and the Fellowship being involved together ended badly, as I recall it.
I imagine this will be duly sporked soon enough, and I will only gladly read the results.
Yeah, I really need to slow down when I'm ranting.
Proxy Girl (A Slender Man Love Story)
The website doesn't allow copypasta but boy oh boy I think I've found a new pit of voles...
Can we call it the pit of rats or?
I honestly don't get it. It seems like it's trying to come off like a teen girls' magazine (not bashing, but the quizzes and stuff seem like they could be found in a back issue of COSMOgirl,) and the summaries of the stories on there have SPAG and various errors out the wazoo... both the originals and the fanfiction.
It just seems like the overall site quality is consistently bad (at least from my brief overview.)
I vote we call it the circle of lemmings.
...for giggles and grins. I took the Star Trek ones, and the funny thing is, the quiz actually had the technobabble of Star Trek right WHILE having horrible SPaG. I've never seen that before. And I know Star Trek badfic.
I clicked on one because it looked Harry Potter related, and after asking me a lot of stupid questions, at least half of which were repeated at some point or another, it told me I was some Mary Sue-ish OC who is apparently Hermione's younger sister. The part that wierds me out the most though is the fact that it seems like nothing I clicked affected the result except saying which house I belonged to.
Here's a link if you're interested: http://www.quotev.com/quiz/2356140/Your-Harry-PotterHogwarts-Life/
...that on question five, it is impossible to choose a personality set that does not include 'kind'? That one makes me giggle.
But I wanna be an asshole! <:c>
The closest you get in this quiz is 'jerk with a secret kind side'.
So basically a ripoff Draco personality, only girlier, stupider, and Sue-ier.
If there isn't going to be any Darth Sidious meets Alucard and have a disgusting brainchild options, then I'm out.
Nobody else would be crazy enough to touch that!
But I wanna be an asshole! <:c>
...I have a feeling the creator just lined up her OCs, wrote questions based on their traits, and smushed them all into a quiz.
Zoey Granger needs to die she replaces Ginny and even though I'm not the biggest fan of Harry/Ginny WHAT RIGHT DOES THIS MARY SUE HAVE TO MESS - /restrained by Mochis
I kinda wish there was a format to sporking dumb quizzes.
To writing better fanfics. On that website. And it misspelt "grammar".
I'm just going to bang my head against the wall repeatedly or something.
How Not To Write A Story on Quizzaz. Because that's what this site used to be called. Yeah.
Bleeprin required for the amount of hypocriticalness.
I mean, I've seen worse SPaG. But there were definitely some amusing typos, like "Don't make your characters slutty or itchy!" And kind of defeated her point about going back and checking it over.
And if I had a quarter every time she said "like", despite her insistance that you shouldn't use it so much…
The poor characters... ignored because they were itchy and the author didn't want to write about them scratching. :D
The rant on Mary Sues.
Because she has one in her stories. I mean, wow.
NEWSFLASH: It is ridiculously hard to spot Sues when you write them yourself.
…because if I didn't laugh I'd cry for the future of humanity.
Now that's impressive.
I'll Bert you a fine to a dollar that you'd have sh*t luck finding something like that for, say, Naruto or some-such.
I say it should be parliamentary in nature.
It's only fair, I think.
All who wish to pass the vote, say "yea".
...Yea.
I look forward to seeing other badfics being hauled from its depths. From my cursory glance into the Sherlock fics there, there are lots and lots of boring Suefics that aren't worth PPCing because -yawn- been there, seen that.
...So far.
The Lituriture Adventures of Molly Smith
I think the worst part about this site is that it doesn't allow copypasta. Seriously. I don't want to type out any particular passage in the fic. It is that bad.
I'm going to assume that they don't have any formatting rules. It's like the blog service of the terminally hyperactive and misinformed.
I am very proud of myself for naming this back corner of the internet. And I wouldn't want to type that either - it's horrible and I haven't even gotten past the
~ 15 seconds later ~
line break tomfoolery. I think that if one entered into a fic from here the word world would be wrongly colored and have no physics applied to it at all - time is so consistently broken (at least in this fic) that I think the fabric of the universe has unravelled.
The punctuation is probably floating about aimlessly rather than raining from the sky, then.
... Hey Lily? If you spork this one, can I come along for the ride?
You actually have to read that other fic she mentions in the summary, Hunted to be able to get what the ... happens at the end of the first bit.
So basically it's a Suefic of a Suefic. Glee.
And yeah, I think I have this one lined up behind a Mycroft Sue I'm working on right now, but yes, toss me an email at lilywinterwood@gmail.com and let's get started. :I
This may not be a particularly good solution, but you can copy what you see in View Source. That comes with a crapton of code you'd have to weed out—possibly as much work as just typing out the text—but it's an option.
I'm... frankly boggled at the colors and fonts available. My eyes. They burn a little. O.o
~Neshomeh
Isn't there a shortcut key for selecting between one )? I swear there is, but I don't know much about html beyond the message board level.
http://www.quotev.com/story/2124713/Puella-Magi-Akira-Magica/
Why does she have a dream with Homura in it? Why does she get a new name literally five minutes into her Japan trip? And - wait, she's staying with the Kanames? But Madoka's not with them, so this must be the Final Timeline, but the summary mentions Witches? How is her personality both 'outgoing' and 'shy' at the same time? Why is Homura escorting Akira/Angie to the nurse's office when she's not the health officer? WHY DOES HOMURA GIVE HER THE EPISODE 1 SPEECH!? WHY DID A CHIBI MANIFEST?! Why does she have a 'Skype friend' that plagiarizes Hitomi's lines? WHY IS THERE A HUMAN KYUBEY HERE?
http://www.quotev.com/story/2118458/I-wish-Madoka-Magica-story/1/
Well, this one is more generally Sue-ish, but it's rather short.
http://www.quotev.com/story/1988548/And-Your-Wish-A-Madoka-Magica-Story-/
WHY DOES MAMI HAVE A BABY SISTER. Her parents died in a car crash and she lives alone! Her isolation and loneliness is a plot point! If she has a baby sister, who Kyubey has apparently been just dying to contract, who's also BFFs with Madoka, then how - why - why does she wish to not bring Mami back? She's talking about how she'll fight for Mami's memory, but she wishes to go unnoticed? To be forgotten? What sense does that make?
http://www.quotev.com/story/2166217/The-Bitter-Story-of-Me/
Who would name their daughter 'Demonic Angel'? Why would you think that 'rusty construction beams' are analogous to being drunk? Why would you waste time playing 'Fur Elise' on the musical witch's barrier? Why can she speak Italian? I'm not sure, but I think she keeps her Soul Gem in egg-mode? Why does the Witch drop a sheet of music based on Sue's finishing attack? And Kyubey doesn't eat 'everything', just food and Grief Seeds. And why do familiars float by her house? It's not a popular suicide spot, I'm guessing...
The dreaded transdimensional hopper. And fail SPaG. And Sherlock getting a deduction wrong.
Please spork it. I love reading your missions.
Really, how much longer than me have you been here? You should know better by now.
I, however, dread opening that particular site you've linked. Oh, do I dread it.
Whew, I never though I'd see so many Real Person fics in one place at the same time. Justin Bieber and this One Direction band seem to be getting the most attention, as does Harry Potter and Twilight.
It's like the Pit, but with a heavy emphasis on original love/relationship stories. My guess is that Sturgeon's Law applies in full force.
In terms of fanfics, I think I've found one to drag Gaspard into in just five minutes of aimless clicking around. It's yet another "OMG waht would happen if there wuz &other person who survived teh Killing Curse n she wuld meet harry n Draco n stuff?!" but there's something special about this one that makes it Intel-worthy in my opinion. Wheeeee...
Also, check out the "build-a-boyfriend" feature. No, I don't know either.
If you were going to build a boyfriend, why would you want a virtual one? I don't even... I think it's Sturgeon's law for sure, but since Sturgeon was never that specific about where to find the 90%, I'm going to assume that this is part of the 90% of fanfic. Could be the meta-reason why ao3 is such comparatively high quality - it's the ten percent, but separated off of this site and it's ilk.
Real people fic abounds. Like I didn't already want to apply tacks to my own toes when seeing real people fic...
Build-a Boyfriend?
Oh good Lord...
http://www.quotev.com/story/1793858/Off-Limits-James-Potter-Love-Story/
Sirius' twin sister 'Brydie', yes, Brydie. Never heard of that constellation.
Surprisingly good spelling, but (context: she went to Beaxbatons because reasons):
"Girl's only did nothing for me! So I told my mum I'd run away if she didn't send me to Hogwarts, Sirius helped me with that one :) and now I'm at Hogwarts for fourth year! Should be exciting!"
... I'm sorry, what? Was I supposed to take that story SIRIUSLY?
(See what I did there?)
Oh HELL no.
How can- I know that everybody in existence has extensive family gene history, but how are you born American, Korean, German and French, all at once? And, by the way, don't those for groups still hold some hard feelings towards each other? You know, because of war?
And if this girl is implying for one second that an insane, faceless, reality-destroying sadistic killer of defense people - something he does for fun, assumedly - is capable of falling in love in a same and stable manner, oh-ho-ho, dies she have a nasty wake-up call coming her way. I don't envy whoever dorks this fic.
I can barely justify triple citizenship -- say a married couple, one German citizen and one French citizen, on holiday in the US when the baby decides it doesn't wanna wait nine months. (And odds are the kidlet would end up assigned to just one of the countries so he could get the paperwork to go home with Mommy and Daddy.) But quadruple citizenship? I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think it works that way.
Yeah, there's a funny little thing called a "green card", it's kind of necessary for citizenship in the States if you're from out of country?
So where's this chick's papers?
I don't think there's any hard feelings nowadays between German, French, American, or Korean people...
...unless we're talking about North Korea and its crazy leaders. That's a whole other story.
Otherwise agreeing with having four nationalities at once. Ethnic heritage does not directly correspond to nationality! I shall dub her "Passport-woman", human without borders.
Have you ever played Slender, by the way? If yes, gimme twenty dollars.
/fail reference
Never played Slender, would rather not play Slender, SCREW YOU YOU'LL NEVER GET MY MONEY.
Hey, all she said was "Korean." I can assume just about anything from that.
(But yeah, my comment there might have been a tad exaggerated - for the most part, it's really not that common anymore for German, French and American people to hate on each other, and South Korea's okay.)
I'm liking the name, there. It would seriously have been easier if she said she was English, then I would have an easier time understanding her muddled genes.
