Subject: I actually have some thin mints in my pocket.
Author:
Posted on: 2018-04-04 23:13:00 UTC
They're very tasty.
...Also, I'm in an open-topped vehicle, moving very fast. I don't know if I like this situation too well.
... again!
Congratulations! You have been selected by a nonspecific omnipotent entity to be pulled from the real world and flung headfirst into a land of fiction. My name is Huinesoron, and I will be your Mysterious Voice from Above for today. I'm here to guide you through your first steps in your new home - oh, bee tee dubs, you're never getting back - and hopefully keep you alive. Fingers crossed!
First things first: while you were falling through the swirling mists of the Void, your nonspecific omnipotent entity should have whispered the name of the world you're heading for into your ear. So before we go any further:
Where are you going?
-Middle-earth
-An InGen genetic engineering facility [ie, Jurassic Park]
-A galaxy far, far away
We can have two Star Wars threads running, right?
Canon: Star Wars
You've fallen into a galaxy full of possibilities, a vast canvas of war and peace, heroism and villainy, stables and starships. I'm sure you'll have a great time, provided you can survive the next hour or so.
Now, here's your first question. It's very important that you answer this as quickly as possible:
Can you breathe?
-Yes.
-No.
(We'll see how far we get before I run out of steam... ~hS)
Currently: breathing.
Breathing is an essential skill, which you should most definitely keep up! Now, the next thing to do is figure out where you are, so...
Where are you?
-In a desert.
-In a forest.
-In a spaceship (ie, metal walls).
-In a building (ie, non-metal walls).
((Reminder that options not on the list are absolutely allowed. ~hS))
I'm outside a building, and I can see several colorful holographic signs.
Currently: civilisation
It seems you've landed somewhere with such luxuries as electricity and bars - not always a guaranteed find! It's probably a good idea to pin down your location a bit more precisely - there's a galaxy of difference between a high-class Coruscanti nightclub and a rough Corellian dive.
Take a look around you. What do you see?
-A towering cityscape; I can barely see the sky.
-Mostly low-level buildings; it's all a bit grimy.
-Open countryside; this is the only building here.
-To be honest I'm a bit distracted by the giant holographic faces glaring at me.
-Can't do that; too busy ducking blaster fire from dudes in white armour!
Currently: on Coruscant
Welcome to the capital planet of the galaxy, and hub of culture and government everywhere (with some exceptions). Now, you're not out of the woods yet (except in that there are no forests on Coruscant), but your chances of survival have just increased dramatically. So that's good!
Before you go anywhere, it'd be good to know what sort of building you're outside.
-It's huge and impressive, and the holos are of an old white guy's face.
-It's small and dingy, and the holos show food.
-It's small and dingy, and the holos show... uh... well, they're probably not suitable for kids.
-It's a giant spacescraper, and the holos are mostly text.
-I think the fact that the holos are flashing red while an alarm blares is probably more important.
It's small, its dingy, and the holos are suggestive.
I should probably wait my turn, but just to let you guys know I'm here. Wow, those holos are... I must look away but I can't.
-Twistey
We'll kick off a second if I'm still clinging to sanity after the first finishes, okey?
hS
Canon: Jurassic Park
You've fallen into a world of science and discovery, of terror and--
Wait.
Did you say dinosaurs? As in... you can actually, currently, see dinosaurs?
Um... are they in a cage?
-Yes, with big metal fences.
-Yes, with shiny glass walls.
-Yes, but so am I.
-Nope!
-Actually, do pterosaurs count as dinosaurs?
Wait, is this Torchwood? This is Torchwood, isn't it. Oh dear.
Here's what you need to know:
-In reality, pterosaurs were a vast and diverse group of animals, each with its own specialisation. Most were small and incapable of harming humans; the few that could cause you serious problems would probably hunt you on the ground, rather than swooping down at you.
-In the world you've wound up in, pterosaurs are bloodthirsty flying dragons which want to eat your face.
What I'm saying is: run!
-I am running, and so is the screaming crowd around me.
-I am running, but the rusty walkway isn't making it easy.
-I am running, but I think I'm going to reach a glass wall soon.
The emergency exit's that way! And everyone's not stampeding in an orderly fashion!
Currently: Running From Pterosaurs
Seriously, you need to run. I've seen this film, and the pterosaurs gave a Horrific Ironic Death to someone who hadn't done anything to deserve one, it was awful.
Did you run yet? Are you inside?
-I am in a shop now.
-I'm in a huge ornate visitors' centre.
-I'm in a lab and there are men with guns.
-I'm still outside. Come to me, my pretties!
Right? They're that kind of dinosaur right? (Still outside standing perfectly still and hoping they don't see me.)
By now, a grotesque, scientifically-inaccurate pterosaur should have shrieked down out of the sky to attack you. Your chances are basically nil either way, but I will stay with you to the end regardless.
What is currently mauling you?
-A big thing with a pointy crest [Pteranodon]
-A smaller thing with a really ugly face [Dimorphodon]
-Nvm, I'm going for a swim. Wheeee!
This was a terrible idea. But at least this ugly thing is pretty small. I'm a pretty strong fellow, maybe I can out muscle it.
By now you have been thrown to the ground by the ridiculously powerful wings of Dimorphodon. You are certainly bleeding from multiple ragged wounds on your arms, and it's probably started in on your face. Your only hope is that help will arrive before you are mauled to death.
...
Did help arrive?
-Nope, am dead now. X.x
-Yes, a bunch of people with guns shot all the pterosaurs.
-Yes, a bystander rescued me and died in my place and NOW I HAVE GUILT.
Welcome to the 21st Century Dino...Ow my spleen.
You have had your very first encounter with a monstrously deformed prehistoric creature, and you're not dead! Good for you!
Now it's time for you to decide what you want to do next.
So... what?
-Try to escape the island with all the other people.
-Loot the place. Dinosaur souvenirs are fun!
-Try and tag along with the folks with the guns.
-Hide out and wait for the inevitable dramatic fight sequence.
I've, uh... only actually seen Jurassic World once, and can't for the life of me remember what happens next. Nor do I have a good enough grasp on the characters to know if they'd let you tag along.
[Sticks up an advert for a Nother Mysterious Voice from Above]
hS
I'm confused. Why isn't everyone here an alien? Waiiit, I've seen this show--the human-looking ones are Time Lords!! Awesome. :)
((Because I very clearly remember there being several threads running at once last time, and also, why not?))
~Z
Currently: attempting to borrow Artoo
It sounds like you've got this all figured out - soon you won't need a Mysterious Voice from Above at all! At any rate, your quarry (sorry, 'prospective rescue-ee') and the droid you need should both be back on the Royal Starship, so head there now!
...
Are you there?
-Yes, and Queen Amidala is super happy to see me.
-Yes, but now Captain Panaka has me at gunpoint.
-No, because the Queen is staying with Shmi Skywalker, foolish Voice.
-No, because that's where the duel is, duh.
-I tried to fly there in my stolen ship and now I'm somehow in hyperspace.
Canon: Star Wars
You've fallen into a galaxy full of possibilities, a vast canvas of war and peace, heroism and villainy, stables and starships. I'm sure you'll have a great time, provided you can survive the next hour or so.
Now, here's your first question. It's very important that you answer this as quickly as possible:
Can you breathe?
-Yes.
-No.
PS: No, sadly there are no Time Lords here. Probably. Though at this point I wouldn't be surprised if someone hadn't written them in.
Then why do they look human, though?
Oh, uh, yeah, I can breathe. That's a thing. That's a good thing, right, Mysterious Voice?
~Z
Interestingly, the reason the locals look human has never been made clear. Parallel evolution, probably. There was once going to be a book about how they came here from Earth (by time travel), but luckily that got cancelled.
So, good news! The fact that you can easily divide the people around you into humans and non-humans means you're probably not in a war-zone, where there would definitely be people wearing helmets. Hooray! Now let's work on the finer details.
How many people can you see?
-Thousands or more.
-A few dozen.
-About five, and they look pretty sketchy.
-One, and I'm kind of squeezed right on top of them.
I'm playing now, and I'm right on top of someone. Hi, someone! This is exciting. Be my eyes now, latest Mysterious Voice, okay?
So, it sounds like you've wound up in the cockpit of a fighter. I'd love to find out more about where and when you landed, but given that you've just magically appeared on top of someone, we should probably deal with that first.
And given that you've just magically appeared on top of someone, we might as well be brazen about it. Say something like, "Hi! I'm new here. What's your name?"
What's their name?
-Luke.
-Anakin.
-Poe.
((I'm annoyed that there are no female one-person fighter pilots who are prominent enough to make this list. Also, reminder that you're absolutely free to name someone else, or give a non-name response.~hS))
Can I call you MV? I'm gonna call you MV.
So I tried it! I said, "Hi! I'm Deadpool. Also new here. Do you have any chimichangas?"
He didn't give me a name, but he has been swearing at me for the last three minutes. I love meeting new people!
((If my Deadpool sounds incredibly off, by the way, I apologize and will gladly take pointers. I'm having fun, though. ~Z))
How old is he? Has he tried spinning? Is it a good trick?
It sounds like you've figured this thing out; would you like a job as a Mysterious Voice from Above?
(I'm just kidding; you've been dropped into another universe, I'm legally barred from giving you a job.)
Anyway, how does Anakin look?
-He's an irritatingly cheerful kid.
-He's got this weird skinny braid.
-He's got a big scar on his face.
-He's wearing weird white armour with a cape.
...Can I give him cookies? Pretty please?
Frankly the only cookies I know of in this setting are the ones offered to people if they will come to the Dark Side; I'm not sure that's really necessary here.
It's probably a good idea at this point to figure out exactly where you are.
Where are you?
-In an open-topped vehicle sitting in a yard.
-In an open-topped vehicle moving very fast.
-In a yellow starfighter sitting in a hanger.
-In a yellow starfighter in space.
-In a disturbingly organic spaceship.
They're very tasty.
...Also, I'm in an open-topped vehicle, moving very fast. I don't know if I like this situation too well.
Okay, I'm going to be honest with you: you are probably about to die. Podracing is horrifyingly dangerous, and while Anakin is Force-sensitive, he's also a kid who's just had someone from another reality appear on top of him.
The best you can do is scramble around to hang on behind him, and hope none of the terrible, terrible fates that could befall you actually do. I'll catch up with you once the race is over!
...
Are you dead?
-Yes, I fell off the podracer/got shot by Tusken Raiders/was scraped off on a cliff/got crushed by a competitor/other [delete as appropriate].
-Yes, Anakin crashed and now we're both dead.
-No, but we lost the race miserably.
-No, and ??somehow?? Anakin still won the race.
(But since nobody else has responded yet...)
We're alive, but we've lost horribly.
And I've just horribly derailed canon, didn't I? Crap.
At least you're alive, eh?
Not that this isn't quite a bad outcome. Unfortunately, due to Anakin losing the race, his master Watto not only gets to retain Anakin as his slave - he also gets both the pod, and the Naboo Royal Starship. That means Queen Amidala of Naboo is trapped on Tatooine, along with her two Jedi escorts. And it's all your fault.
Oh, you should probably be aware that there's a Sith Lord named Darth Maul on-planet. His goal is to kill the Jedi and take the Queen back to Naboo.
What's your plan?
-Give up, sell yourself into slavery, and hope everything blows over.
-Kill Watto and present the Jedi with a fait accompli: they'll pretty much have to take you, Anakin, his mother, and the parts they need.
-Betray the Jedi to Darth Maul, and present him with Anakin as a gift.
-Offer yourself and your knowledge of the future to Watto in exchange for all his winnings (it might work!).
So obviously they are idiots, so I say lets give this Maul guy a chance. Besides he sounds up like a fine upstanding gent. Tell him about the Jedi and Anakin.
Darth Maul will probably be deeply impressed by young Anakin Skywalker's Force abilities, and even more by knowing that his targets are trapped on the planet. The thing is... well... Sith aren't exactly known for their ability to display gratitude. So you might find yourself in a bit of bother.
How does Maul take your offer?
-He has left immediately to take Anakin to his master, leaving you behind.
-He has declared his intent to train Anakin as his own secret apprentice.
-He has raced off to confront the Jedi, locking you and Anakin up in his ship first.
-He has just up and killed you and Anakin for knowing he exists.
Or evil deed, for that matter?
Maul's taken Anakin to his master, and left me stranded on Tatooine with a couple of angry Jedi.
You just survived an encounter with a Dark Lord of the Sith! That's something very few people can say, given that they've been ruthlessly hiding themselves for the last millennium.
So! What'cha gonna do with yourself?
-Tell Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon everything that's happened.
-Go full-on Evil: attempt to kidnap Queen Amidala and take her to Naboo yourself to buy a place in the New Order.
-Go back to that plan of selling yourself into slavery.
-Set things up so Jar-Jar Binks takes the fall for your betrayal.
I tell Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon that Maul has taken Anakin. The Sith have returned!
I'm certain the Jedi will be shocked by your revelation - always assuming they believe you.
Did they believe you?
-Yes, and they've just stolen a hyperdrive from Watto and set off in pursuit (taking you with them as evidence).
-Yes, but their principles mean they're stuck on-planet until they can work out a trade.
-Yes, and they used the Force to get you to reveal your role in events; now you're their prisoner.
-Nope, they think you're drunk high on Death-Sticks.
They believe me, but a hyperdive fails to manifest.
Currently: Trapped on Tatooine with the knowledge that the Sith have returned.
You know what? I think my best bet is to leave you to your own devices for a while. The Jedi will certainly take care of you - you're their evidence that the Sith are back - so I'll see you again in about... a month? Great.
...
Hi! How're things going?
-Queen Amidala got mad and ordered her soldiers to tear Mos Espa apart to find a hyperdrive. You're now on Coruscant.
-You are one with the Force; the Force is with you. Qui-Gon is an inspirational teacher, and you will spread his word to all the settlements of this desert world.
-Darth Maul has returned, and is right this second in a dramatic duel with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan for the Queen!
-Darth Sidious himself is here, with his new apprentice by his side - a certain little boy...
Darth Maul returned realizing he still needs the Queen for his Master's plan to work and so is currently dueling Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan
How many people get to watch a lightsaber duel (tri-uel?) up close, right?
Of course, I know you by now - you're hardly a passive observer. So what will you do while they duel?
-I'm gonna try and shoot one of them with a blaster! (Who did you hit?)
-I'm gonna go steal Darth Maul's ship (and get the Queen out of there)!
-I'm gonna go steal Darth Maul's ship (and take the Queen to Darth Sidious)!
-I'm gonna blow up the Royal Starship and everyone in it! (Wait, what?)
-No, actually, I'm feeling pretty passive. (Who won the duel?)
I am going to steal Darth Maul's Ship and get the Queen out of there. After all stealing Darth Maul's ship to get the Queen off planet was my plan all along. I love it when a plan comes together.
[Currently: stealing a Sith Lord's ship while he fights for his life.]
A glorious plan - literally! If you can pull it off, you will definitely achieve fame and glory.
...
How's it going down there?
-Help what is a keypad.
-Maul's guard droid has shot me and I am bleeding out.
-Maul came back and cut my head off.
-I got into the ship! How do I fly this thing?
-The victorious Jedi have thanked me for my efforts, but say they'll take things from here.
Having written Elves and being mostly able to parse Sindarin names (the necessity of a dictionary varies from year to year and name to name) must be good for something, right?
~Z
(Coming up from here.)
The messengers ride south from Amon Ereb to the secluded isle of Tol Galen, in the peaceful Land of the Dead that Live.
They return un-heard, harried by Ents from the deep forest. Luthien the Nightingale will have no truck with the children of Feanor.
But Maedhros is properly spooked, and not inclined to give up. His next messenger isn't a member of his House - it's you, a mortal, and Beren is willing to listen out of sheer curiousity.
It takes a while to get your point across. Your Mysterious Voice from Above has to feed you lines of broken Sindarin, until Beren and Luthien manage to teach you enough to get along. You spend a full year in Dor Firn-i-Guinar. But ultimately, they agree.
Messages crisscross Middle-earth, guided by your knowledge of the usurped future. At Luthien's urging, Thingol sends forth the armies of Doriath for the first time, clearing Beleriand proper of orcs for a time. With that breathing space, you are able to direct the growing Embassy (as the group seeking to send a message to the Valar becomes known) to Nargothrond and even into Gondolin - much to the shock of Turgon, until you remind him that the true hope of the Noldor lieth in the West, and cometh from the Sea.
Mountaineers from the Hidden City cross the passes into Dor-lómin, where they rescue as many of the mortals of Hador's house as they can find. Tuor, only a year old, is brought to Doriath, and meets for the first time his cousins Turin and Nienor. Until her children and nephew reach a suitable age - or until her husband is rescued - Morwen Elfsheen takes on the leadership of the Third House. (She is, incidentally, starstruck to meet her cousin Beren - though much too staid to show it.)
On the Isle of Balar, Cirdan is set to build a dozen ships - but you rightly point out that only the Silmaril can guarantee passage to Aman. Only one ship is needed - and its passengers are more important than its structure.
The planning takes ten years. Morgoth does not remain quiet, but pushes into Beleriand again, knowing his enemies are planning something but not being sure what. Turin gets into his share of mishaps. Gondolin comes under siege. Brethil, home of the Second House of the Edain, is partially conquered, but holds firm with the aid of their golden-haired kin. Curufin and Caranthir make an abortive effort to steal the Silmaril, but are stopped by Maedhros and imprisoned.
At last the ship departs. Its premier passenger is Dior, son of Beren and Luthien, the only half-elven in the world; he bears the Silmaril, bound on his brow. The other passengers and crew represent the blameless youth of the many kindreds of Beleriand: Turin for the Third House, Brandir for the second; Celebrimbor for House Feanor, Idril for House Fingolfin, Gil-Galad son of Orodreth for House Finarfin; Nimloth, great-niece of Thingol, for the Sindar; and you.
The ship sails for weeks across the unnaturally-calm sea, the light of the Silmaril guiding its path, and comes clear through to the shores of Faery. You warn Dior, Brandir, and Turin that if they set foot in the Undying Lands, they may never be allowed to return to the mortal realm. Brandir listens to you. The others do not.
Leaving the heir of Haleth to watch the ship, the seven of you trek inland. You do not enter Alqualonde or Tirion, though the gates stand open, and awestruck faces watch from the walls as you pass. You enter the heart of Valinor, and come at last to the Ring of Doom.
You, personally, say nothing in the presence of the Valar, averting your eyes from them as your companions present their case. You sense the thoughtful gaze of Manwe Sulimo, the Elder King, boring into you, but he does not address you.
The Embassy's pleas are met with approval by the Powers. A Great Armament begins in Valinor. Contrary to your expectations, it is not Dior and Turin who are told they can never return home, but Celebrimbor. Though guiltless of the Oath, he has still violated the Ban on his House - and as punishment for his transgression and reward for his bravery and honesty, he will be sent into the heavens with the Silmaril, as a guard against the Void and a message to the Free Peoples.
The Host of Valinor takes three years to muster. Then it sails on Middle-earth, with the remnants of the Embassy in the foremost ship.
The War of Wrath is actually less destructive - and shorter - than in the unchanged timeline. The Host does not have to fight its way north from its very landing, but can march almost to the Pass of Sirion before coming to the territory held by Morgoth. With the hosts of Doriath, Nargothrond, Amon Ereb, and the Edain joining them, they break the Siege of Gondolin and march forth onto Anfauglith.
Some things go badly. At one point, trying to broker peace, Morgoth brings forth his highest-profile prisoners - including Gwindor of Nargothrond, and Hurin Lord of Dor-Lomin - and promises to free them if the Valar will depart. His offer is flatly denied, and their loved ones are forced to watch as the prisoners are massacred. From that point on, Turin (taking the name Acharn, 'the Avenger', and wearing the Dragon-Helm of Dor-Lomin) is a force of destruction on the battlefield. It is he who brings down Glaurung the Golden, and he - with the aid of multiple others, including a last-minute rescue from Celebrimbor and his ship - who destroys Ancalagon the Black, Morgoth's not-quite-mature superweapon.
The war comes to an end: Morgoth is taken captive and cast out. Southern Beleriand still stands above the sea, though it is bounded now by ocean to the north as well as the south. The ancestral homes of the Edain are all destroyed, so Numenor is still raised as a land for all three kindreds. Though the Valar intend Dior to take the kingship, by popular acclaim Turin is appointed instead - and to equally popular acclaim, he makes sure that his mother is recognised officially as First Ruling Queen, predating him on the throne. (At nearly 70, Morwen doesn't want to actually rule, but definitely appreciates the prestige.) Ultimately, Numenor is a peaceful and happy land, though in later years it develops a disturbing tendency towards near-kin marriages in the royal house.
The Ban is lifted, allowing the Noldor to return to Aman. Most of them choose not to. With Nargothrond and Gondolin still standing (though the latter is almost entirely surrounded by water), and even Himring still inhabitable, many of their people remain in Beleriand. Others migrate east (including Galadriel, who still chooses to set up shop in Eregion). Of all the Noldor of Finwe's line, only Maedhros himself chooses to journey into the West, accompanying the remaining two Silmarils and watching over them as they are laid to rest at the foot of the Two Trees whose light they bear.
As for you: the world is at peace. Morgoth is banished, Sauron fled, the Orcs and other works of evil scattered to the distant mountains. You can go anywhere in Middle-earth that you choose - but of course, we already know where you're heading.
The dwarves of Belegost aren't much interested in talking to you at first. But you'll bring them round.
You always do.
Also enjoying the YW stuff you're writing above--and now it looks like you're bringing in a version of Kaitlyn! I'm excited to see more.
~Z
You've landed in a world of magic and mystery, of heroes and history, of wars and... something else ending in -stery. Sophistry, possibly.
The good news is, there are lots of places in Middle-earth where you won't be immediately killed. On the other hand, there are also lots of places you will be immediately killed. So with that in mind:
Is anyone trying to kill you?
-No.
-Grubby people.
-Pretty people.
-Short people.
-Really ugly people.
-Spiders.
((I should highlight at this point that even when 5/6 options point to 'yes', 'no' is still perfectly acceptable. The nature of the question means it looks loaded, but it's really two questions: 'is anyone trying to kill you', and 'if so, who'.
Obviously any of the yeses are also acceptable. ^_^
And yes, I cribbed this one wholesale from last year. Why not? If it worked then, it'll work now, and Mysterious Voices from Above don't make work for themselves. ~hS))
...but there's a small group of tall, pretty people trying their hardest to kill a bunch of really ugly people who are trying to return the favor? I'm kind of just hiding right now so I don't get caught in the crossfire.
~Z
Currently: in a fight.
It sounds like you've landed in a [b]war[/b]. This is one of the best places to be if you want to spend a lifetime discovering new things about your new home. The only downside is that said lifetime may be... rather short.
Now, keep yourself out of sight and let's see if we can get a few more details. The smaller group in front of you sound like Elves, who are generally good; the other set are Orcs, who are bad. For now, let's focus on the leader of the (probable) Elves.
Is the leader...
- Fair-haired?
- Red-haired?
- Black-haired?
- Black-haired, but also kind of glowing a bit?
- Radiant with the light of Iluvatar?
- A family group?
I would compare him to some distant relative of warner bros studio exec's oc Tauriel, but he just killed an Orc that was trying to bite my shins off.
It seems that you've stumbled into the presence of the legendary Maedhros, son of Feanor, sometime High King of the Noldor, and frankly the most with-it of House Feanor (maybe excluding Celebrimbor). The good news is that he is a mighty warrior, and won almost every battle he was involved in.
The bad news is, there was one time he failed spectacularly. But I'm sure you'll be fine!
Currently: watching Maedhros get his murder on.
Which hand is Maedhros using to wield his sword?
-Right.
-Left.
This informs us that we definitely shouldn't trust him.
Currently: watching Maedhros fight left-handed.
You'll be glad to know that Maedhros is definitely going to escape this fight. Don't worry about the fact that he's running on only one hand - the other one getting cut off was a whole thing, and ages ago now.
Now, as we said before, Maedhros is excellent at this fighting thing. If you wait around a bit, and keep out of sight, he and his warriors should easily be able to dispatch these Orcs.
...
How's it going?
-The Orcs are all dead.
-Brave Sir Maedhros is running away.
-The Orcs are all dead, but now there's a huge dragon.
-The Orcs are all dead, and he's started on the humans.
Currently: on the Eastern Front of either the Sudden Flame or the Unnumbered Tears
Congratulations, INSERTNAMEHERE - you are privileged to see Glaurung the Golden, Father of Dragons, devourer of Elves and Men, scourge of Dorthonion, Nargothrond, and Brethil, the Terror of the North. Isn't he cool?
No, by the way - he isn't cool. He's hot enough to burn the flesh off your bones.
Now that the Great Worm has shown up, Maedhros should be retreating soon (as is only wise!). I strongly recommend you tag along with him; while there's definitely going to be some awesome stuff happening here, it's pretty much going to end with the triumph of Evil. I mean, depending on which battle you're actually in, you could see an army of dwarves face down the dragon, an entire cavalry regiment set aflame, or the betrayal of Maedhros by... um... huh.
Say, while you're waiting for your unwitting guide to retreat, would you say you'd describe yourself as... maybe... 'swarthy'?
-Uh, no.
-Yes, why?
-What the heck, Mysterious Voice from Above? Are you racist all of a sudden?!
((I find it oddly hilarious that 'Maedhros fights Orcs on Anfauglith and then Glaurung shows up' still isn't enough to narrow down which battle we're in... dude had a rough time of it. ~hS))
I mean, not even a moribund linguistics professor from the 1940s could describe me as swarthy, but it definitely has some capital-C Connotations. Then again, compared to a filthy ginger leaflugged poncey elven prettyboy, I probably count as something approaching mud. So we'll go with that.
Currently: not swarthy in the Bragollach/Nirnaeth
Right, I think by now Maedhros should be retreating. I strongly suggest you tag along. Unfortunately, I can't really guide you through escaping a battle - it's not like I can tell you there's an arrow coming, ha ha! - so I'll take my leave for a little while. If you manage to survive long enough to reach safety, I'll speak to you again.
Oh, um... to be on the safe side, if Maedhros or any of the other elves start paying attention to you, you should put your hands in the air and say "Eldameldo." It means 'elf-friend' in the Quenya that your new hopefully-friends speak, and it should tide you over until I can give you something more to work with.
You might need to say it fairly emphatically. And repeatedly. Um... good luck!
...
Oh, hey! You're not dead! That's awesome news, well done.
So... other than the land of the living, where has Maedhros led you?
-To a hilltop fortress.
-Deep into the woods.
-I got captured by Orcs and am now a slave in a mine.
-I got mixed up and ended up following some dwarves home.
((tbh I don't even know what Tolkien means by 'swarthy'.~hS))
((Basically, darkish-skinned and quite beardy - what we would now define as Mediterranean or Middle Eastern/Arabic.))
The good news is, I know where you are!
The less-good news is, you've just escaped the Nirnaeth Arnoediad, the Battle of Unnumbered Tears. What you witnessed was basically the final end of Elvish civilisation, and in particular that of Maedhros' army.
The thing is, Maedhros goes kind of off the wall at this point. He's going to be getting quite a bit more murder on in the near future, and not all of it on Orcs, if you know what I mean. (I mean he will be killing Elves.)
So... what do you want to do?
-Hang out here; I'm cool with Elf-murder.
-Go find one of the hidden Elven cities - Doriath, Gondolin, Nargothrond, the Havens of Sirion... yeah, there's a few.
-Track down Beren and Luthien! They're pretty close by, actually.
-Try and find some mortals (Elves are scary).
-Head for the hills; Beleriand isn't safe!
And dwarves are better.
Let's find some non-elves! Maybe Dwarves or something.
Currently: camped around Amon Ereb.
Wait, you don't have a compass, do you? Right, so east is the direction the sun rises in; if the sun's already up, put it to your right and get walking. You've got... oh, about a hundred miles to go, through dense woodland which is probably infested with Orcs, Ents, and Elves. Good luck!
... oh, but first you need to get out of Maedhros' camp. You can't really sneak (Elves have very good hearing), so I suggest waiting until everyone's busy and then just walking off.
How'd that go for you?
-I am now lost in the woods (yay!).
-Maedhros caught me and wants to talk.
-One or more really scary black-haired Elves caught me; I don't think they're interested in talking.
Of my three clients, you're definitely doing the best, if that's any consolation.
Right, so one way or another, we're going to have to talk to Maedhros. Obviously I'll have to feed you your lines - you don't speak Quenya! But before I can do that, I need to know how you want to play this.
What do you want to tell Maedhros?
-The truth - that you fell here from another world where he's a fictional character.
-That you're a mortal of Fingon's following, and got seriously lost in the battle.
-That you're newly-arrived from over the Blue Mountains (though not associated with his treacherous allies), and just want to go home.
-That you're actually a short Wood Elf and live just over the river.
-That you're from the PPC and are here to kill a Mary-Sue. Sure, it's a lie, but he doesn't know that, right?
Tell the truth, but add in some grovelling and ego appeasement. He's an elven king, after all; one assumes they like to be flattered. Spin it so that our people still sing stories of his rule and reign, even though we are separated by great distance. Or something along those lines, anyway.
Not sure what address you're on these days.
hS
((Expect it from hheath 1992 at that service where the mail is hot. =]))
Aiya Nelyafinwë Poldórëa. Elelienyë exë randallo; tassë ilya Atani lirir randalyanen. Félen nucumna vélalyë, a óravala ar faila Ar-Aran nossë Fëanáro.
Rough translation: Hail Maedhros the Mighty. I come from the far future, where your Age is still sung of by all. I am humbled by your presence, o merciful and just King of Feanor's line.
I mean, that's what I hope it says. Quenya is a difficult language!
You'll want to listen closely to his answer. Keep an ear open for these words in particular:
Did you hear...
-'Randa'? ['Age']
-'Ulca'? ['Evil']
-'Moringotto'? ['Morgoth']
-'A nyarë'? ['Tell!']
-Pretty much just a lot of shouting and waving swords?
It sounds like Maedhros thinks you're evil. He might believe you're one of Ulfang the Black's treacherous followers; he might think you're a direct servant of Morgoth; or he might just think you're sketchy and untrustworthy and it's better to be safe than sorry.
Whichever it is, you should probably do something quick. House Feanor aren't noted for their ability to keep their tempers.
What do you want to do?
-Tell him something no mortal would know (though this might upset him more).
-Tell him the truth about his future.
-Lie to him about his future, ie, don't tell him he's going to be a psychopath who eventually commits suicide.
-Swear an oath by the name of the One that you're not evil.
-Fight 'im!
I mean, lying to him probably won't go over to well; it seems like this is my best bet so far. (Am I on a quest to break the canons? Yes. Yes I am.)
Right, if you're doing this, you're going to do it properly. Get to your feet and get your best proclaiming voice out, and tell him this:
Matimo, Nossenehtar, nel ata nahtuval Eldar i Silmarillinen. Carni maicar Lestanóressë. Narwa rúnya i Londessen. Ar Russandol colë i Noldomír i Nárenna.
"Matimo, Kinslayer, thrice more will you slay Eldar for the Silmarils. Red swords in Doriath. Red fire in the Havens. And the Red-haired to bear the Jewel into the Fire."
You've just tarred Maedhros with the worst name his people have to offer, pairing it with the names his mother and his siblings used for him, and told him he's going to earn it at least twice more (assuming his suicide doesn't count). I don't know what reaction you're going to get, but you're definitely going to get one.
How did he react?
-He just fainted in shock.
-He seems to think I'm a deity and has fallen to his knees.
-He's threatening me in Quenya.
-He's laughing.
((I really wanted to directly quote the Doom of Mandos here, but apparently Quenya doesn't have the words for 'Their Oath shall drive them, and yet betray them'. This ought to do the job, though.
((There is a Sindarin version out there, which renders that line as 'I ‘waedh tegitha hain, dan gweriatha hain'. It certainly sounds ominous! ~hS))
It looks like you've seriously intimidated Maedhros - now he thinks you're a Power. Oh, the things you could do with this.
What do you do with this?
-Alter the course of history! Persuade Maedhros to give up on the Silmarils and organise a mass exodus east over the Blue Mountains, leaving Beleriand to Morgoth.
-Take advantage of him! Elves are hot, and Maia/Eldar romances aren't entirely unheard-of.
-Accelerate the end of the war! Point out that if he sent a messenger (eg, you) to Beren and Luthien, they might be amenable to helping out a mission over the Sea to Aman, to call on the aid of the Valar in defeating Morgoth.
-Jut get out of there! Convince him that you absolutely need to head east to the mountains, for some Maia-y reason.
-Do the moral thing and make it clear that no, you're not a demigod, you're just from the future.