Subject: New Mission!
Author:
Posted on: 2018-03-27 01:31:00 UTC
A Percy Jackson goddess in Narnia gets Jacques Bonnefoy sent on a mission with Ix Saibhir and Charlotte Webb. Overnight. In the cold. With just one tent to share. You can see where this is going.
(Despite the implications, mission is PG-13)
It was nice to see Ix opening up to someone more, and how that happened seems in-character for her.
I also wonder if Jacques's feelings at the end of the mission are going to become significant later.
- Tomash
I mean, you never know. Obviously it's part of his characterization, but past that--who knows? I mean, I do, being the author, but mystery is the name of the game here. Whether there's actually something to be mysterious about or not.
(Mystery aside, I'm not done writing Jacques, so... we'll see! I do unfortunately write rather slowly when it comes to finishing things and getting them out, so his next thing might take a while. I am working on things, though.)
Actually, speaking of getting things out: I'm pretty sure you're one of the betas for something I was working on, uh, last winter (the Abaddon-T'Zar interlude. I can relink you if needed). While I have your attention, could I ask you to take another look at it sometime this week? I need to go through it, which might or might not happen today like I want it to, but after that I think it might be close to ready to post.
~Z
Okay, so my big comment is that you did an excellent job of cowriting. Too often, Cowrite Disease strikes, and characters end up rattling off half-page paragraphs to which their temporary partners flawlessly respond point-by-point. (Not that I speak from experience, hem hem.) This story doesn't do that - it feels like all three agents got the opportunities they need to respond and to comment. (The advantage of having one person write the two in a relationship - when they start talking only to each other, it's for valid reasons!)
That said, time for a flashback: remember all my comments about missions that sound like MSTs? Well... you didn't do that either! The agents were definitely more than talking heads, and I don't feel like you over-quoted.
The vestige of MST-disorder that I did notice is that I had a hard time connecting where the agents were to where the Suvian was. Partially because I'm tired, of course (always tired), but it didn't feel like they were occupying the same space. I didn't flag any sneaking around, or having to peer through windows, or suchlike.
I want to throw a particular highlight on the scene in the middle, where I did know where they all were - the whole 'spend the night' section. It was an excellent portrayal of the agents, and kept them firmly anchored in the physical world. I couldn't say whether it's the best scene, but it's certainly the one that stuck in my head.
hS
It's amazing to hear that we did those things well, because I know exactly what you mean about both talking heads and Cowrite Disease--and I've actually been making a conscious effort to avoid them recently, especially the latter, so... basically, fantastic :D (And no, you most definitely don't speak from experience...not at all... :) What can I say, I was reading early Dafydd missions a month or two ago out of curiosity and because I suddenly wasn't sure I *had* read more than half of them. More likely it had just been a long time, but who knows?)
Anyway. Like Ix said, the fic wasn't too big on setting descriptions, but there are probably a good handful of places where we could add a bit more of "the agents landed in the next scene, made faces at each other, and ducked hurriedly behind a tree." I've already found one while going in to see about GMA's feedback, actually. If we can find some more spots that we both like, that can go ahead. There definitely is a bit of it in there already, though.
What else...ah, yes. I'm glad the section in the middle stood out to you; like I wrote to GMA, it's nice to hear you did specific things right. Especially if it's an entire section!
But yes. Thanks for the concrit (autocorrect wants that to be 'concert'; do you sing or play an instrument, by any chance?) and the comments! They're all appreciated.
~Z, somehow on a roll with responses. On to Tomash! And GLORY!
I could have sworn we'd included enough mentions of the agents hiding behind trees or in empty rooms? I'll go back and look, though. (Didn't help that the Sue was way too preoccupied with showing up to bother describing the settings, either, but that's no excuse on the mission's part. ^^;)
The tent scene was honestly my favorite to write—even if it wasn't the best part of the mission.
Thanks for the review!
Wow, you two really found a bad one this time. I don't have much to say that isn't incoherent squeeing at Ix coming out of her shell and Jacques's introspection at the end; I only noticed one thing to critique.
Near the end of the mission, Jacques summarizes the bit with Samanthea speaking French, but then that scene is quoted just a few lines later. I think it may have worked a bit better to just have the French scene and then the Agents reacting; the way it's written, quoting the fic just seemed a bit redundant to me. That's a really small thing in a long mission full of awesome, though, so great work!
Re: the critique, you have a point. I originally wrote in the description because I thought they really weren't going to get there in time to see that part of the scene; when we ended up putting in that they did, I didn't think to remove it. Good news is it looks like it can be cut out without changing a thing...which is probably as good a sign as any that it should go! I'll wait for Ix to wake up and have a spare moment, but I've marked it in the doc. Thanks for bringing it up!
Also, glad you liked the parts you mentioned :) It's always nice to hear you did specific things right.
~Z
Ix starting to come out of her shell was my favorite part about this, honestly—it'll be nice not having her spook every ten seconds talking to other people.
I'll grab Zing to take a look at that bit later. Thanks for the feedback!