Subject: Yeah, that's a good question.
Author:
Posted on: 2019-03-30 11:16:00 UTC
If it's any consolation, the entire fic is a lot worse than what you saw here in the mission. *sigh* I really do wish sometimes that Bleepka were real.
Watch as Agents Melissa Hurley, May and Sean try to untangle a truly horrific crossover squickfic. (About Agent Sean's status: I had asked earlier if it was okay to use him, and the general consensus seemed to be yes, as long as I considered it carefully. If my using him in this mission is a problem, please say so, and I will take the mission down/rewrite it.)
https://rc746.dreamwidth.org/439.html
Many thanks to Quincy Jones, Badger421 and S.M.F. for beta-ing it.
Enjoy! ^_^
In which we see how the agents are adapting to life in HQ.
https://rc746.dreamwidth.org/691.html#cutid1
Once again, many thanks to Quincy, Badger and S.M.F. for their beta-work.
I really like how you use the piles of books to show the contrast in the two agents' reading interests, but also that they aren't what I expected each agent to be interested in. It's cool that May, the more calm and serious one, is into the more schlocky fiction, while Melissa, the less mature one, prefers the deep, rich fantasy settings.
It's definitely fun thinking about trades! As a community, we need to expand on the General Store more.
The author's note (heh) and gifts were cute. It reminds me of the LiveJournal RPs of old, where Artemis and Teena and such would hang out with their agents in universe. Good to know the authors are still keeping tabs on things, even if they don't swing around to visit any more!
—doctorlit
Very clever. ;)
Thank you for having us on as betas!
As for the fic itself... sometimes I wonder what in the name of very deity out there is wrong with some people!? This is the kind of thing that makes me want to scrub my brain out with a wire brush and acid...
If it's any consolation, the entire fic is a lot worse than what you saw here in the mission. *sigh* I really do wish sometimes that Bleepka were real.
It's a fun read!
"“RUN!!!!!!!” Melissa bellowed like a foghorn, spraying her comrades with excess punctuation."
Love the imagery!
--Ozzielot
That ought to get people's attention. ^~
And they ought to pay attention, because this was a good mission! The fic is godawfully disgusting and almost certainly a troll, but the mission handles it adroitly, providing just enough information to show that it's awful without dwelling on it enough to make the audience suffer. Not as much as the agents, anyway.
There were a few good moments that made me snicker, but I think my favorite is the unexpected scene transition. It was a brilliant way to extend the story without it feeling forced, and funny to boot. ^^
I mostly agree with doctorlit about Sean, too. I absolutely buy him being dazed, confused, and of little to no practical help. My one criticism is that, even dazed and confused, he should still be Agent Sean. I find it hard to believe he could have his face in a girl's cleavage after who-knows-how-long in that plothole and not so much as grin about it. There in particular, he reads less as "dazed" and more as "sedated." Remember, he dated Luxury, and he's the one of the pair who actually hit on Jay. He's about as much of a pervert as Lux is. {= )
That said, I did like his interactions with Melissa overall. They could all probably be played up a little more so they're presented as deliberate actions on Sean's part rather than as things that are passively happening to Melissa, but it's just the cleavage thing that really struck me as OOC.
... And oh god, it just hit me again... the poor Medical staff. Heck, poor Logan. (Or "Steve," lol, don't they know his name is Jimmy?) None of them deserved that. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. The agents had better help them out! But at least the Flowers won't lack for fertilizer anytime soon...
Good job, and here's hoping Melissa and May's next mission is not this horrible. {= )
~Neshomeh
I'm really glad to hear that you've enjoyed the mission. (Tell me, which were the parts that made you laugh? I'm not a native English speaker, and writing comedy in my second language is kind of tough, so I really appreciate any feedback on my work.)
And you're right, the cleavage thing is a character moment I should have caught while editing. Oh, well... I have plans anyway to feature Sean in the future, and hopefully by then I'll have a better grip on his character.
As for the next mission... it isn't *quite* as disgusting as this one, but that's a pretty low bar. All I'll say is that copious amounts of Bleepka are going to be involved. :D
This mission was some tricky subject matter, but I think you handled it well. You kept direct quotes from the fic down to a bare minimum, which gave me just enough information to know what was going on without forcing clear mental images on me. It's also a good choice in this case to have the agents check ahead and prevent some of the worst stuff from occurring at all—not just the scatological stuff, but also the nuclear explosion. Cleaning up a canon city from that kind of destruction could be an interesting interlude on its own, but would be a bit too much to tag onto the end of a short mission.
It's been a long time since I read any of Sean's previous appearances (I had forgotten he had blue hair and piercings), but I at least feel like you've done his character justice. It would have been a mistake to make him overconfident and domineering just because he's an Original Series character; I think keeping him meek and submissive, even towards the newbies, was the right way to go. Especially considering he's apparently been wandering Middle-earth for decades up until this mission. I do love that even after being gone for decades, the Queen Anne's Lace immediately sends him on a training mission right after he got back!
I like the pair of agents you've introduced, with a rash but active one and a more reserved but overly analytical one. I think they'll make for a good team going forward. I would like a little consistency on Hurley's name, though. In this short story, she's referred to alternatively as "Melissa" and "Hurley" throughout, and then says near the end to call her "Lissa." I would think she's more likely to bring up her preferred nickname when she first introduces herself to her partner or Sean. Keeping each character's name consistent helps the reader keep track of dialogue tags and action when a lot of characters are on-page at once.
I like that you included the moment where Hurley shows sympathy for Sam. I agree with her lack of fondness for the live-action Transformers films, but I also agree that this fic went way too far in its treatment of Sam, and I like that the narration there serves as both an in- and out-of universe acknowledgement of that.
I do want to point out that you sometimes split a single character's action and dialogue into multiple paragraphs. It makes for easier reading when those things are kept together. For example, in the exchange:
“This… that’s… oy,” she spluttered. “They’re giving us that for our first mission?!”
Melissa snarled.
“I’m going to kill someone,” she spat, and was out the door before May could react.
The first paragraph has May speaking. A new paragraph starts, which my brain expects to be about Hurley, and that proves correct. Then another paragraphs starts, which my brain expects to switch back to May, but instead, it continues Hurley-based action, with May only getting mentioned at the end. It would read better as:
“This… that’s… oy,” she spluttered. “They’re giving us that for our first mission?!”
Melissa snarled. “I’m going to kill someone,” she spat, and was out the door before May could react.
Keep an eye out as you write for places like that.
Also, one little typo:
"Scene change, God and the author only knows, and hey, Jean Grey’s arrived!"
That middle fragment has a plural subject ("God and the author"), so the following verb should be "know" instead of "knows."
—doctorlit, eating second breakfast
I'm very happy to hear that you liked the mission. As for the issues you mentioned, I'm afraid those turn up frequently in my fics. I'm Hungarian, and sometimes I tend to follow Hungarian spelling rules (such as separating actions and dialogue) instead of English ones. I do try to improve on that, though - I've looked over the mission and corrected the mistakes you'd caught.
Thanks for reading my intro to the PPC. :)
I didn't realize you weren't a native speaker. Interesting that Hungarian has a different rule for paragraphs like that!
—doctorlit learning something
To me, this was a most excellent first outing. That being said however I do have some complaints. And by some I mean two.
I feel like you should've spent slightly more time establishing setting in the beginning. To me it felt like I was just dropped into the story with no prior... I want to say agency.
Second, I feel like Sean should've been at least a little deadpan. A good John Mulaney "Same [crap] as always" here, a nice snark off there. He's a veteran teaching the ropes to some agents who don't quite know what they're doing yet, and the way you had him written felt off balance between the rest of the mission's cast.
...I don't entirely agree with you on Sean. I can definitely see where you're coming from, but I didn't really see him in TOS as a particularly snarky character, at least no more than Luxury is - and I feel that, after being lost for decades without even being aware of it (my headcanon is that time works funny in plotholes as well as HQ), maybe it is justified for him to be a little dazed.
Still, it's just that we seem to have different interpretations of the character, and I'm glad to hear that otherwise you liked the mission. Thank you for reading it. :)