I’m not into the superhero genre, but I liked this enough to keep reading, and thus I must report some faults that caught my eye.

The redhead couldn’t help but to laugh at that, her laughter combined with the other girl’s cry, attracted the attention of the area’s personnel, who proceeded to escort them out of the area.

You got a comma splice between the sentence ending with "at that" and the sentence starting with "her laughter"; since these are independent sentences, the comma should be either a period or a semicolon.

Also, the comma after "cry" doesn’t make sense standing alone (what would be the main clause and what would be the sub-clause there?). You may want to either drop the comma or insert another comma after "her laughter", making "combined with the other girl’s cry" an insertion in the main clause "her laughter attracted the attention of the area’s personnel" (which is correctly separated from the dependent clause "who proceeded to escort them out of the area" by another comma).

Thirdly, I don’t like the repetition of "area" in this sentence, especially when the instances refer to different areas. The "area’s personnel" is obviously the Nursery personnel (but Kryptogirl, who is this sentence’s POV character, doesn’t know yet that this place is called "Nursery"?) while the area the girls are escorted out of appears to be a common room which is just a part of the Nursery-area just as well as the sleeping chambers they are escorted to. If you want to avoid the term "Nursery" here (although it was already used elsewhere), replacing the second instance of "area" by something more specific would help to clarify that the girls are not escorted out of the area’s personnel’s domain.


A few moments later, they found themselves in their designated sleeping chambers.
Since they are obviously in the same chamber, I don’t see why the plural form should be used here.

She found her bed rather quickly, took the temporary cardboard ID and tore into pieces, finishing with slumping on the bed and curling into fetal position, still sobbing.
Shouldn’t this be "tore it into pieces" and "curling into a fetal position"?


Apparently Kryptogirl was given a name on arrival in the PPC; she just doesn’t like it and thus tries to ignore the fact when she pretends that she doesn’t have a name. From the disclaimer, I conclude that she’ll change it later. *checking the wiki* Yep. *going to read the other interludes*

HG