Subject: I rewrote it.
Author:
Posted on: 2019-01-11 17:48:00 UTC
I didn't change that much though, just incorporated the father/daughter structure into the first two verses, and scrapped the not-really rhyme scheme. I think it looks a little better now.
I've written my first ever poem in English (I've written poetry before, but English isn't my first language), and honestly, I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'd really appreciate it if someone took a look at it and gave me some feedback. Warnings for a scary atmosphere and implied nasty things, but overall nothing too explicit.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xOeCzMBdDg0gdPAneCrv_sP6qk3oZ5KfAXb5ZiL8k48/edit?usp=sharing
I think you've done a good job on the atmosphere, but the structure seems to have been developing as you wrote. The last 3 verse pairs have the same form: her lines start and end with a 'Father' invocation, while his all start with 'daughter'. You haven't quite stuck to that in the first two verse-pairs, and I think it would make it stronger if you did.
I'm also unclear whether there's supposed to be any rhythm in there. The accented 'condemnéd' suggests there is - ie, that you needed an extra syllable in that line to make it fit - but I can't find one by reading it.
hS
The structure of the poem is pretty experimental. The accent in 'condemned' was more a rhyme thing, but it probably sounds different in my reading than yours (I learned English from the internet, so my pronunciation is a cobbled-together version of about a dozen different accents). You're right though, some rewriting is definitely needed. I was more worried about the atmosphere, so I'm glad I got that one right ^_^
... I can't see a rhyme scheme anywhere. What's it supposed to be rhyming with, and is there a consistent rhyme scheme through the poem?
hS
Nothing I could call'consistent', anyway. I was trying to rhyme it with the previous line, hence the extra syllable, but you're right, it doesn't sound good. I was hoping that it would help the flow of the poem if there were some rhymes in it, but it's kind of half-assed if I'm not doing a proper rhyme scheme. I'll rewrite it as soon as I grt the chance.
I didn't change that much though, just incorporated the father/daughter structure into the first two verses, and scrapped the not-really rhyme scheme. I think it looks a little better now.
The invocation/response structure really makes it sound like she's almost praying to him (probably helped by the fact that in some churches, 'Father' or 'Heavenly Father' is used in actual prayers). The repeat of 'father' at the end of the verse also evokes a young child - they quite often repeat the name/title of whoever they're addressing if they're anxious.
And in specific imagery, I love the lantern eyes, which seem to go from an abstract metaphor ('the lantern-eyed giant in the mist') to a concrete reality ('I will break his lantern eyes').
hS
... is how much structure a poem needs to be, y'know, a poem.
At one end, you have the Shakespearean, totally formalised version, with so many beats to a line, a precise and unbreakable rhyme scheme, a set number of lines, the whole deal.
At the other end, you have that weird little plums poem that routinely does the rounds on social media, which is just two sentences broken up weirdly. But it's still a poem, I guess?
The key, to my mind, is intent:
The stair creaked
The door squeaked
Soft swished the sea on the shore
I've mixed rhyme and alliteration with wild abandon here, but that's because they're doing different things: the rhyme tells you that the stair and door should be considered together, while the sea line is designed to evoke the sound of waves, and to take you to a slightly different location. I needn't have a rhyme across the entire thing, nor make the whole poem alliterate - but I probably would need to use those things to mark similar moments when they occurred.
Which goes back to your father/daughter language. It's good structure, and with a little refining, it could run through the entire story. I have a poem bobbing around somewhere that ends each verse with a variation on 'the snow falls [white/deep/cold]', solely so that I could add an extra line after it at the end, 'but I am warm'.
hS
Commit, or don't do it at all. Anything else sounds bad.