Also, if that's why...

Subject: Also, if that's why...
Author: twistedwindowpane
Posted on: 2019-01-06 00:47:00 UTC

...Every Boarder Ever except my fellow ne'er-do-wells Snowblaze and 61516 avoided the Despatch question post, I'd just like to say that that post was an author spork request. From me. About a fic I wrote.

Now that I think about it, I'd really like to see where that goes to. Because the fic didn't involve Trans-Dimensional Hopping or Snatching, because canon characters weren't directly involved at all. Actually, it was about four OCs who were... reincarnations, I guess, it never really says, of four prominent villains from prominent continua. And had powers associated with them. And even though I as the author knew who the self-insert was (Kylie, the one who's the Emperor from Star Wars), there wasn't really that much self-insertion involved. Overall, it seems to be a would-be Despatch target of its own breed. Ignoring the question of whether it's sporkable, because apparently it's not as bad as it could've been, what would that have done to it?

-Twistey

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I just want to point out, we are officially Ten Years Hence. by Neshomeh on 2019-01-01 22:37:00 UTC Reply

Beyond, really, since the original TYH stories were all set in 2018.

So, hS, since you're the only one who's still around... is this officially canon now? If not, I challenge you to rewrite it so it is. I plan to do mine a little later this year. {= )

Everyone else: Wanna write one for your agents? Go for it! Bear in mind, TYH pieces have typically been short and fluffy and have often involved children, either current children grown up, or current agents with children. Check out this page for examples.

~Neshomeh

... am I really? by Huinesoron on 2019-01-04 16:04:00 UTC Reply

Well, that's... kind of depressing, actually. Huh.

Anyway: yes! That story remains once-and-future canon, and doesn't need rewriting; it's not perfect, but I'm still pretty fond of it.

But, to mark the occasion, I will offer a sequel of sorts, set... well, now, but keeping to the spirit of Ten Years Hence. So:

Ten Years Now

"Bonjour, maman!"

"AWWWWW! Elibabef, I was going to say it!"

"Now, now, girls." Elanor held her hands out placatingly. "Don't welcome me home by fighting, mes petites."

Mary's face hovered on the edge of crumpling. "But I! Wanted! To say it!"

Elanor smiled and knelt down in front of her black-haired daughter. "Then do. Or have you forgotten the words?"

Mary's incipient tears transformed into a scowl. "I neber forget," she said firmly. "Bon drawer, mum-on."

Elanor worked hard to keep her amusement from her face. "Very good; we'll make a French girl of you yet." Straightening, she walked over to Mortic and looked down at the baby in his arms. "And how about you, Mark?" she asked. "Anything to say to me?"

The not-so-little-anymore boy beamed at the sight of her. "Mmmm!" he babbled. "Mmmm!"

"There, you see?" Mort made a face that was at once exhausted and triumphant. "I've been coaching him all day, just so he could say maman to you when you got back."

"That's very sweet," Elanor said, patting her husband's cheek. "But I don't think 'Mmmm' counts."

"You question me?" Mort pulled back, frowning. "Me, who has seen nations rise and fall, yea, and the very mountains shift beneath-?"

"Stop exaggerating, o Mortic of the Order; it makes you look like a goose." Elanor took the baby from Mort's arms and smiled down at him. "And maman has been working hard, oui, she has; she has no patience for Daddy Goose."

"Mmmm!" Mark said again, reaching one fist up to grab at Elanor's blonde hair. "Mmmm!"

"Sorry, El." Mort rose from his seat, gesturing for his wife to take it. "So how was the mission?"

"Pas mal," Elanor said vaguely, watching Mark's face. "It was good to see the team again; there's not many of us who work in French slash, so we used to be pretty close."

"Are you thinking of transferring back?" Mort leant on the arm of the chair, shooting a quick, quietening look at Elisabeth and Mary as their noise level rose. "I thought you liked the Nursery."

"I do, I do." Elanor smiled up at him. "Fear not, this was just a one-time thing. But it's always nice to see old friends."

"I suppose so," Mort mused. He reached down to tweak his wife's hair away from their son's fingers. "And, you know if you do decide to move back, I'll-"

"Mmmm!" Mark stretched out for the stolen hair, his brow furrowing in concentration. "Mmmm!"

"Mmmmaman," Elanor said, taking his hand in hers. "Come on, mon petit - say maman."

"Mmmm," Mark replied, squeezing her finger. "Mmmm-"

"I think he's still too young," Mortic began.

"-mmmum!" Mark looked startled, as if trying to squint at his own mouth, and hiccupped. "Mmum! Mmmum-um-um-um-um-um-um!"

"Mark said Mum!" Elisabeth ran over, dragging her sister by one hand. "Mummy, mummy, did you hear, he said mum!"

"Mum!" Mary repeated, beaming from ear to ear. "Go on, Mawk - say mummy!"

"Mum-um-um-um-um," Mark said solemnly. Then, abruptly, his cheeks puffed up, and he burst into tears.

"Oh, Mark..." Elanor looked up at her husband and held the squawling infant out. "Can you take him?"

"Of course, my heart." Mortic scooped the baby up and rocked him gently. "Come on, little one, it's all right..."

"It's not that all right," Elanor muttered, scowling down at the floor. "Three babies, and not one of them said it in French first? Honestly, I don't know why I even bother...!"

hS

Yee. ^. ^ by Neshomeh on 2019-01-04 17:23:00 UTC Reply

I don't think I knew Elanor was French. Neato!

And, well, I'm still here. I was just late to the party (as usual) with TYH, so I didn't make it into the original crop. {= )

~Neshomeh
Awww!! (nm) by Iximaz on 2019-01-04 16:41:00 UTC Reply

Ooh, so we're living in the future now? by the Irish Samurai on 2019-01-02 22:46:00 UTC Reply

I had suspected it for a little while. After all, we've got jetpacks, robots for doing household chores, and modern smartphones are actually more powerful than most older sci-fi imagined, but it's nice to get confirmation :)

My first thought on seeing that that we'd caught up with the date of a piece that was set in the future was 'It's like PPC history, but opposite'. I don't know why, but that amused me.

I do find it funny that we now catching up with the times that some older sci-fi is set. Not just the future, but the cyberpunk future: 2019 is the year the original Blade Runner was set, and 2020 has long been associated with cyberpunk. We're even approaching the earlier dates mentioned in the Ghost in the Shell backstory, I think that refers to events in the 2020s or 2030s.

-Irish

Yes we are! That's pretty cool. ^. ^ (nm) by Neshomeh on 2019-01-04 01:24:00 UTC Reply

I once came up with an agent whose missions would be TYH. by twistedwindowpane on 2019-01-02 01:20:00 UTC Reply

She was a random child who just showed up in HQ, and I'm not sure how anyone found out, but she was also the child of a pairing that was intrinsically breaking canon. She was adopted by a minor agent who then retired and eventually brought her adopted daughter back to HQ. Her partner was a "canon" from a cheap ripoff of a game, who had joined the PPC to escape said ripoff's destruction.

Think I've kinda ditched the idea now, in the process of rethinking all my agent ideas in preparation for a Permission request. Not only because I shouldn't start thinking about what TYH will look like if I don't even have Permission yet, but also from other factors.

-Twistey

Well, for one thing... by Neshomeh on 2019-01-02 02:13:00 UTC Reply

There's no reason you couldn't just write an agent who exists in the present and has that as her backstory—except possibly for the "just showed up in HQ" part, since a much less contrived option would simply be to have her be a badfic rescuee. {= )

As for the partner, a formally published property that is a ripoff of another property is still a canon, unfortunately. (A fangame would be another matter, I guess, if such a thing exists.)

~Neshomeh

Yeah, that makes sense. by twistedwindowpane on 2019-01-04 00:09:00 UTC Reply

Although,

1. The agent who was supposed to adopt her (who I'm probably going to write once I have Permission) was the former partner of a civilian in HQ (who tried to be an agent and failed) that I created (and also am still going to write) and who existed in the present, so that's what made it TYH.

2. "Formally published." No, not really. It was an Android game. I have witnessed that the App Store and the Android store(s) are very, very lax about the quality of apps that they let on. Actually, I don't even know if it was being sold on an official Android store. It was on apkpure.com, which I'm not even sure is legitimate. Also, y'all've recruited canons before due to extraordinary circumstances. But I understand the argument.

-Twistey
In case you're wondering, here is the ripoff:
https://apkpure.com/lichtspeer-adventure/com.lichtspeer.astroneer.starman
And here is the ripped-off game's official Google Play store page, for comparison:
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.noodlecake.lichtspeer&hl=en_US

Just because it's been done... / Also, re. Despatch by Neshomeh on 2019-01-04 01:18:00 UTC Reply

Re. the game, I don't know, but my instinct is that if it's not out and out plagiarism, it probably counts as a canon, much as we might wish it otherwise. Two-bit movie studios get away with this crap all the time; I don't see why it would be different for games.

As for recruiting canons, just because someone did a thing in the past doesn't mean it was a good idea. Sometimes we learn from our mistakes and stop doing things. {= )

Which reminds me: you were asking about Despatch in a previous thread. I could write this down there, but eh, I'm here now.

So, the short answer is no, no one has done anything with Despatch in a very long time. The thing is, Despatch is tricky because it ostensibly deals with real people (self-inserted authors), and thus its missions would have to be handled with extreme delicacy. It's complicated.

Personally, I wouldn't object to seeing Despatch disbanded. Trans-dimensional Hopping and Snatching aren't bad concepts as they refer to the antics of fictional characters, but as such, they're already covered by the DIC and/or DMS. Despatch was always a bit redundant, and since the in-universe idea was that it split off from the DIC at a time of departmental growth, it would make sense for it to close at a time of departmental shrinkage. I think retconning it to have happened around 2006 (when the Lichen got bumped from the Board of Department Heads) or 2008 (when the Department of Author Correspondence was officially shut down) would make sense.

That's my headcanon, anyway.

~Neshomeh

Despatch still has a mission left by SATV-26S Athena on 2019-01-04 16:37:00 UTC Reply

One last hurrah. Go out with a bang. Sonichu must die.

But who will handle the missions Despatch undertakes? Floaters?

Er, no. by Neshomeh on 2019-01-04 17:02:00 UTC Reply

Sonichu's been regarded as off-limits basically forever, for the precise reason that it's nearly impossible to separate from its author and we do not attack authors. Especially not ones believed to be mentally challenged.

Normally you could make the argument that a fictionalized version of the author is not the same as the actual author and therefore this is as fair a target as any self-insert Suvian, but it's not worth it. Aside from the matter of scruples (which should be reason enough), there's also the fact that Sonichu is a beast, and it's a comic, so you'd have to be more insane than usual to want to take it on AND have a phenomenal level of dedication to pull it off. Trust someone who's been here over a decade: it weren't never gonna happen.

Anyway, scruples is also why no one would take over Despatch-type missions. Anything to do with real people is no longer in the PPC's jurisdiction, period.

And before anyone goes "what about historical figures that appear in fiction?", yes, that's usually different. Especially when the figure in question is long dead.

~Neshomeh

*has been thoroughly schooled* (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-01-06 00:30:00 UTC Reply

Also, if that's why... by twistedwindowpane on 2019-01-06 00:47:00 UTC Reply

...Every Boarder Ever except my fellow ne'er-do-wells Snowblaze and 61516 avoided the Despatch question post, I'd just like to say that that post was an author spork request. From me. About a fic I wrote.

Now that I think about it, I'd really like to see where that goes to. Because the fic didn't involve Trans-Dimensional Hopping or Snatching, because canon characters weren't directly involved at all. Actually, it was about four OCs who were... reincarnations, I guess, it never really says, of four prominent villains from prominent continua. And had powers associated with them. And even though I as the author knew who the self-insert was (Kylie, the one who's the Emperor from Star Wars), there wasn't really that much self-insertion involved. Overall, it seems to be a would-be Despatch target of its own breed. Ignoring the question of whether it's sporkable, because apparently it's not as bad as it could've been, what would that have done to it?

-Twistey

Hmm, could be WhatThe material. Or Improbabilities. by Neshomeh on 2019-01-06 05:54:00 UTC Reply

It's not exactly a crossover, since no other canon is really involved, either. And I wouldn't even call the characters Suvians, because they don't really do anything to break the reality they're in past the extent of the premise itself.

It could be cool to see Improbabilities make a comeback, come to think of it, and this certainly fits the bill.

As for dealing with the characters in the end... I don't know. ^_^; Maybe some kind of exorcism to purge what would otherwise be original fic of gratuitous canon connections? And/or neuralyzation of Kylie to the tune of "you are a normal preteen and this wacky, disjointed adventure was just a dream"?

~Neshomeh

That sounds good. by twistedwindowpane on 2019-01-08 22:54:00 UTC Reply

Should we put that on the Unclaimed Badfic page, then, so that Improbabilities can make said comeback? Does anyone have agents in that department?

-Twistey

P.S. Hehe, for my next installment of this series of posts talking about badfic I wrote when I was younger, I totally want to post a similar fic I had written earlier that's a lot worse. That one would make a DMS mission, I'm sure of it.