Subject: Re: mission
Author:
Posted on: 2018-12-17 18:33:00 UTC

Let's see. I like how you show that Hip and Hop grate on each other during down time and start to bicker, but then become a more cohesive team when they have a mission to complete. I also like how you made Hip stand as a contrast to Aeron. She starts out attacking and threatening her partner just before a scheduled medication to rein in her Sue nature, showing how a relatively minor, reformed Sue's attitude can affect those around her. Then, during the mission, we see how a fully blown, no-holds-barred Sue can distort everything around her. Hip getting embarrassed when reminded of her past shows the difference in level of actual personality between the two characters, and why someone like Hip can be recruited, and someone like Aeron needs to be assassinated.

One minor technical criticism: you didn't show the Voldemort replacement getting charged. Any assassination needs to be charged, even if they weren't a proper Sue in-story. I know it's a bit rote at this point, but it is one of Da Rules Jay and Acacia established, so.

And here are some basic typos:

"Her mask was now slightly crooked and the pointy hood of her robe was blew away."
"Blew" is the plain past tense form. With "was" at the front, the verb becomes "was blown."

"She walked up to the Replacement, grabbed him by the neck, lifted in the air, and raged at him for be ballsy enough to demand anything from her . . ."
1. "Lifted in the air" still needs an object for the verb "lifted." It should be "lifted him in the air"
2. Mmmmm I kind of forget the grammar rule on this one, but it should be "for being ballsy."

"The portal opened in the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the movie . . ."
The "the"s are redundant here. I would personally keep the first one, but the sentence still works either way.

—doctorlit, reviewing missions instead of playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

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