Subject: Ooh, ooh, the comically large box!
Author:
Posted on: 2018-12-07 03:53:00 UTC
Is it a refrigerator box? It might be a refrigerator box. It's so big that one roll of wrapping paper wasn't enough, and the natural-tone Christmas tree paper and cartoon snowmen on bright blue paper don't really go together. I suspect it contains an exasperating series of ever-smaller boxes.
~Neshomeh
Up on the housetop click, click, click...
Fell down the chimney and broke his d–
Anywho, today is December 6th, known in Poland as St. Nick's Day. It's on this day that we celebrate the Man with the Gifts, flying through the sky on a sleigh full of Christmas cheer, the patron saint of prostitutes (look it up)... Old St. Nick!
And because of that, I've prepared tons of gifts for you, my lovely PPC friends. You are one of the few fragments of joy in my life, and I can't imagine having better friends.
Now then, the rules are simple: Pick a gift, any gift. Describe the box you're choosing and I'll tell you what you get!
I'd like that moderately-heavy-looking brown square, please!
... Okay, so it's more of a rectangle, but still.
It's a zip file. My gift is a piece of software. I really hope it's another game development tool.
-Twistey
I want the one with the cute red snowman wrapping paper, please. :)
Dibs on the dark red rectangular box here in the bottom. The one which seems medium-sized. I've got a good feeling about this one.
Can I have that box with the night-sky-pattern wrapping paper, the one that's big enough for me to sit in?
Okay, it's not technically a flower, but... eh, it's green at least.
Also, hey! A free box house!
The small blue box, about 10 cm cubed.
The blue is peppered with small grey stars.
A meal and relaxation in one!
Just about palm-sized and not very tall. And it doesn't rattle when shaken!
One step to better physical health!
The blue and green one, please. Looks like a cylinder.
Been waiting for someone special!
I choose the package wrapped in blue and gold, with ornate patterns on the wrapping paper.
A great hunter like you deserves a trophy!
's adorable!
The long, narrow box.
Is the ultimate equipment for every tired agent... who is also in need of a weapon
I'll take the cubic one about a foot across, please. The forest green one with a silver ribbon. It smells nice, like an old book. But I've never seen a perfectly cubic book.
Unfortunately, only the paper was scented, I'm afraid :3
It's about the size of a softball, with gold Gallifreyan writing across the deep blues, and if I'm honest I just want to know how they managed to wrap a dodecahedron when I have trouble with a shoebox. (And where they got that paper, because that's gorgeous)
You use unknown Time Lord science magic to extract the contents without harming the vessel revealing... Well, the only thing a quick-thinker like you would enjoy
The Infinity-Sided Die!
If Probabilitor the Annoying is still voiced by Weird Al, I can get him to work on another season of Milo Murphy's law! It'll only take a little under an eternity to roll it, which is still technically, I suppose, an eternity, but who knows. Anywho, I'm off to go play the world's coolest game of Dungeons, Dragons and More Dragons with my new dice! Just gotta duck out of the year 9000, customs can get tricky. :P
My box is one cubit long, and three hands wide. It is wrapped in green, with a white silk ribbon wrapped around it. Occasionally, the paper shimmers.
And inside of the box, you see another box with a plastic see-through front. It's the cousin of the Magic Eight Ball that actually works!
I think it's the one that rattles and emits growling noises every so often, wrapped in golden wrapping and a blue silk ribbon, with holes on its lid that emit puffs of smoke.
Sure, it was waiting just for you! As soon as you whisk the smoke away, the box reacts to your touch and the lid pops up. Something quickly trots away, and faces you jumping and taping the floor nervously. It's..
A friend!
the cubical white box which feels extremely light.
which indeed feels light... because it's full of deflated plastic... is
Inflatable chicken rider costume!
How about the medium-sized box with the green wrapping paper covered in pineapples and Santas with Hawaiian shirts? I’m hoping for something summery (as I’m not really a winter person)!
There's a plastic bag containing...
Is it a refrigerator box? It might be a refrigerator box. It's so big that one roll of wrapping paper wasn't enough, and the natural-tone Christmas tree paper and cartoon snowmen on bright blue paper don't really go together. I suspect it contains an exasperating series of ever-smaller boxes.
~Neshomeh
Well, after just prying it a little bit open, the front explodes and buries you under a mountain of packing peanuts. Edible, if you need to know. However, inside it only one box... a big one. Opening this one you see...
A half-a-gallon hip flask!
That is... completely useless to me! Thanks, Santa Cipher! {= D
^_~
~Neshomeh
Nume: I could be.
No, you're not a fourth-wall breaker. I know we've walked up to that line sometimes, but do you really want to cross it?
Nume: I don't know. Will it get me off the damn back burner? I was hoping to complete a character arc sometime this century.
I'm wooorking on iiiit, jeeez...
Nume: Oh, really? Because from here it looks like Angsty McScarface is getting the lion's share of authorly attention, not to mention the self-indulgent Skyrim fic and assorted time-wasting BS. Why exactly does everyone but me get a fancy new RC, by the way? And don't say kids. Ilraen counts for at least two people and I can't drop half of him off at the Nursery; if anybody needs more square footage, it's us.
Okay, you know what, I have actual Real Life stuff to do today and I don't need to be whined at while I do it, so you're going back in the character box. Bye!
Nume: Do I at least get the big flask?
Sure, fine, take it. It's not practical at all.
Nume: Good thing I won't be needing to carry it while actually doing anything, then. Toodles.
Siiiigh.
See what you did, Ix? {= P
~Neshomeh
You could fill it full of shear-thickening fluid and strap it to a pair of braces for use as a cheap-ish bit of body armour... =]
...it's clearly very old, and whatever's inside it might have archeological value.
Is certainly some kind of statue... You gotta break the pot open to take it out. After a short struggle, you find
A statue commemorating The Great Gnome Massacre. The garden gnome population had only just started recovering from such appalling plights as the Great Gnome Plague of ’99, and the subsequent Great Gnome Depression of the early 2000s. Now as gnome-kind everywhere find themselves on the brink of stabilization, this 19-inches-tall statue brings back memories of the most heinous calamity to befall all those under a foot tall in the Earth’s history.
It's a knackered plastic carrier bag of the kind that costs fivepence and in so doing has saved Earth from the threat of climate change literally forever. One of the handles has torn in half and the other has disappeared. There's a worrying smell coming from inside the bag. I can't see what's in it, but I know that it's there.
Waiting.
Are five bottles of the finest alcoholic beverage any PPC agent could possibly think of... which is also the source of the smell
.
.
.
.
.
A completely flat, red envelope with my name hastily scrawled upon it. It's not even sealed properly.
Is a thin plaque made of metal. It contains the words of ultimate wisdom
It's about the size of a shelled coconut, and wrapped in silver paper with a blue ribbon.
Is indeed a coconut! However, the coconut is much lighter than average and you see the cut line. After opening the coconut, you see
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
