Presenting the second episode on the not-so-long-running series, (Un)Intelligence, featuring everybody's favourite Spies!

The PPC was originally created by Jay and Acacia. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, The Counter-Strike series to Valve, Pokémon to Nintendo, and World One to itself.

I’d like to thank my beta readers firemagic, Lily Winterwood, KittyNoodles, and the Irish Samurai for their hard work.

Episode 2

“Expecto Patronum!”

Agent Yakov Minin lowered his wand and watched a little silvery armadillo scuttle across the floor. He was sitting on the storage chest in cubicle 5294 waiting for another fic to investigate along with Nasir and Gaspard. “Didja see that? Neat, eh?”

Gaspard, seated in front of the console (and looking uncomfortable on the mini-fridge: it was Angus’ place after all), smiled and said: “Well done sir, but shouldn’t you be filling out your reports instead of conjuring Patronuses?”

Yakov waved a bony hand in Gaspard’s direction as he pulled a bottle of Butterbeer from his battered travelling cloak. “I’ll do ‘em later. ‘Sides, this,” he gave the bottle a gentle shake, “is just waitin’ for me to drink it. Any of yew two want some?”

From his seat on the camping bed, Nasir shook his head. “Butterbeer implies alcoholic content. I cannot drink this, Yakov.”

Gaspard too shook his head. “Perhaps later, sir? I’m currently thinking up some emergency plans. What are you going to do when a raging Sueified elephant rampages through HQ? It pays to be prepared, you know.”

Yakov sighed, transfigured an unopened stack of printer paper into a wooden mug, and poured himself a drink. He silently sipped his drink in the uncomfortable silence that followed his attempt at a conversation. He flicked his wand at the console, which tuned itself to PPC Radio 2. The music programme was currently broadcasting a live concert featuring the DBS Philharmonic Orchestra in New Caledonia. In between a waltz and a symphony, Yakov spoke up: “So... What does your Patronus look like, Nasir?”

The Arabic man took his eyes off of his clipboard full of paperwork and looked over to Yakov, who produced a Muggle-use wand from a pocket.

“I don’t know. I’ve only been able to cast non-corporeal Patronuses during training,” said Nasir. He stared at the wand for a few seconds. “May I?”

“Yeah, sure,” said Yakov as he handed the wand over to Nasir. “I don’t know about the other Muggle-use wands, but Penny tells me this one is a lot more sensitive than the others. ‘Course, all of the Muggle-uses aren’t as powerful as the real deal, but yew jus’ might be able to pull one off. Go on, try it.”

Nasir closed his eyes and focused. What made him happy? Several ideas immediately popped into his head. He remembered when he first saw Juliane, his Eevee-turned-Glaceon. He shook his head. That was the memory he used last time, and was only powerful enough for a shapeless silver mist. What else? He thought of the first time he stepped into Pallet Town, feeling the thrill of adventure right before his first Intel run. He squared his shoulders and pointed the wand at the ground.

“Expecto Patronum.” A thin silver mist escaped from the tip of the wand. This memory was too weak for any type of Patronus.

The Spy focused on another memory. This time, he was standing on the bridge of a sky ship during an Intel run. The thought of sailing across the sky on a ship held aloft by a flight stone and carried by the winds blowing over the Edge still gave him shivers of excitement. After muttering the incantation, the wand twitched but didn’t even produce a wisp of smoke. Next try: buying one by one the hard-earned components of his gaming rig and assembling the computer in his RC. His chest still swelled with pride at the thought: it had cost him several weeks’ worth of salary and hours of painstaking assembly. No response from the wand. Becoming the top Counter-Strike player in the All-HQ MLG Club. The wand fizzled but didn’t do anything else. After a couple of minutes trying different memories, Nasir lowered the wand and sighed.

“I don’t think I’ve got the right memories for a strong Patronus, Yakov. Sorry,” said Nasir as he offered the Muggle-use wand to Yakov. The Russian agent shook his head and leaned away from the wand.

“Nonsense, man. Everyone has got a Patronus-worthy memory in them. You’re jus’ not focusin’ on the right things. I think of my great-grandmother when I cast this spell, if that’s any help,” said Yakov. “Yew quit too easily, Nas. That’s always been one of yer things. Put your back into it, come on!”

Nasir grumbled in agreement and shifted his thoughts to his family. He remembered helping his mother and father build the café in New Caledonia right after moving in from Beirut. In his mind’s eye he saw their beaming faces, and felt how proud he was standing next to his parents as they looked at the two-storey building with large glass windows and a carved wooden sign reading Sana’s Café.

“Expecto Patronum.” The fog was much thicker now-- thicker than all of his previous attempts had produced. Nasir even thought he saw something move within it.

Yakov sat up and smiled. “Hey, not too shabby! Jus’ a lil’ bit more, you’re doing it!”

The Arab man nodded and focused. He was silent for a few seconds, then found the perfect memory. It was set in his parents’ café again, but this time he and his six other cubicle mates were enjoying a hearty meal. They had talked and eaten and laughed for a glorious hour just before the night shift. He remembered the setting sun casting orange light over their smiling faces, the smell and taste of the food piled in front of them, and... Agent Penny Chang, his long-time crush, sitting beside him.

He pointed his wand at the floor. “Expecto Patronum!”

A silvery hyena burst out of the wand, landing softly on the Generic Surface tiles. It padded around the limited floor space, looked at Nasir and Yakov, and sniffed at both the storage chest and the now-vacant mini-fridge. As Nasir let the memory fade from his mind, the hyena slowly dissolved into nothingness.

Nasir was ecstatic. “Yakov! Did you see that?”

Yakov took a swig of Butterbeer and nodded. “Sure did. I didn’t think ‘ee could vault that high, but he did.”

“What.”

“Didn’t yew see? As soon as he saw yer Patronus, Gaspard did this amazing jump up and over the cubicle wall. ‘Ow high is that thing anyways? Metre and a half... Metre seventy? Oh, and nice work with that spell, man. I knew yew had it in yew!”

Nasir sighed. “Thank you. You can come out now, Gaspard! The big scary thing with the teeth is gone.”

The junior agent peeked over a cubicle wall. “Sorry about that sir, but big things with sharp teeth spontaneously appearing beside people rarely mean any good.” A few seconds later he reappeared in the entrance to cubicle 5294 and retook his place at the console. Seconds later, it [BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]ed loudly.

Gaspard slapped a button and started typing commands as he browsed through the preliminary report on the console’s monitor. “Gentlemen, it’s a mission for both of you. Harry Potter and Pokémon crossover, set at Hogwarts and with Harry replacing Ash Ketchum. Here are your transcripts, preliminary report, and some extra bottles of Bleeprin. I’ve taken the liberty of setting your disguises to Generic Gryffindor students for ease of access to their common room.”

Nasir absentmindedly put down the Muggle-use wand on the table. “Yeesh. Character supplantation... that doesn’t sound promising. Let’s go, Yakov. Run final equipment checks.”

As Nasir reviewed the portal settings, Yakov picked up the Muggle-use wand and offered it to Gaspard. “How about it? Wanna give it a go when we’re gone?”

The junior agent shook his head. “No thank you, sir. I’m fine.”

The Russian man winked and set the wand back down on the table. “Suit yourself. Have fun,” he said before following Nasir through the portal that had opened beside the console.

As soon as the portal closed, Gaspard stood up and walked over to the cubicle entrance and peered outside. Nobody in sight. He looked over the walls. There were no people in the adjacent cubicles either. Somebody seeing him slack off on the job wouldn’t do any favours for him. If Yakov and Nasir wanted to waste their time, fine, that was their choice. But for him...

The junior agent reached for the wand and muttered to himself: “Well, let’s see if several weeks of practice will pay off. I gotta remember to properly thank Yakov for finding a good wand.”

He closed his eyes, thought of the time he was chosen second-to-last during a gym class soccer match, and muttered “Expecto Patronum.”

He felt a surge go through the wand, followed by a tingling sensation in his wand arm. He’d done it! At last! He opened his eyes, searching for his Patronus. The cubicle was empty. He stood up, checked under the bed and table, behind the console, peeked over the cubicle walls, and even opened the chest in hopes of finding the animal. It was nowhere to be seen.

“Yeah. Fat lot of good that was,” grumbled the Spy as he tossed the wand back onto the table. “It’s not like I’ll ever be good at magic. I’ve probably got some rubbish animal as a Patronus. Maybe a slug or something.”

If he had bothered to look up when searching, Gaspard might have noticed a little silver hummingbird silently hovering overhead.

- - - - - - - - - -

Fun fact: Gaspard’s Patronus was to originally take the form of either a cross-eyed platypus, a fainting goat, or a slug.